A Good Year

Did an early photo shoot for a friend this morning. It felt great to be behind the camera once again, since it's been almost 3 years since I did any serious photography.

Which brings me to something interesting. I think with my recent cycle of connecting with the past, it's kind of spurning my old high school interests, like graphic design, photography, and music. I want so badly to find a saxophone and start playing again.

(...)

Aaron, Katie, and I will be taking a short trip to Long Island today. It's been cool, because we hung out last night and did more catching up. Aaron's on break from his tour for a moment, and will be heading upstate tonight or tomorrow. We laughed as we relayed news of so-and-so, who got fat, who got skinny, and how everyone else has babies, except for us. I'm glad that they're here now, though Aaron's got to go back to touring in a few days. But it's been fun so far.

I guess this year wasn't so bad after all. I spoke with Angela the other day and it brought to mind on how much I feel I've changed over the last 12 months. I've become more introspective and feel more solid about who I am than I ever have. There are still quite a few things to work out, but I'm doing pretty good right now. My life is great, and I'm thankful that I'm still here in New York.

I just wish I had that sax.

A Silent Night

I never thought I would enjoy being alone on a major holiday.

It all started last Christmas. It was kind of by default, actually, but I was by myself, watching movies and keeping an eye on my friend's apartment.

I had offers to go out and meet my friends and family tonight, but I declined for the pleasure of cooking my own meal at home. I spoke with a few loved ones, sent out a ton of text messages, and now I'm just waiting for the gravy to finish so I can enjoy dinner. I even baked a walnut pie, my first ever, just for the occassion.

I'm finally enjoying being alone, and the withdrawl has been great for me to become more introspective. There's a silent relief not having to worry about "getting home" after visiting people outside in the world tonight, and though some people miss me out there, I wanted the opportunity to spend tonight with someone I've been ignoring for a while-- me.

So, Happy Thanksgiving. And if you're alone tonight as well, may you enjoy yourself. Just don't scald the gravy...

Reunion-- Good. No Girlfriend Yet-- Bad.

The other night was a lot of fun. My sister and I went to the venue where we decided to meet. After the few of us got together and finagled a few tables we dispensed the hugs and reacquaintences and started the chatting.

This monkey was happy to see his old friends, whom after almost a decade, look exactly the same after all these years. I don't know if its the psychology of remembering the past or something in the water these days, but everyone seems to age pretty well these days.

The band, Jupiter Sunrise was great. I was really impressed and happy to see that Aaron still pursues music, and equally thrilled that Dan and Katie are pursuing acting. It's funny to me, because we were all promising young actors and musicians in high school, but only a few of us are still with the bug (me, I seem to be waiting for something, but still have the dream.) After the show, Aaron came and found us and another round of hugs and chatting ensued.

The night winded down, and we had to go our separate ways for the time being. Numbers were traded and programmed into our cell phones and we bid each other a good night.

(...)

I'm happy that this part of my life is starting to take shape again because I've been so out of touch from it all. Aaron was pretty surprised to hear that I've only been home twice over the years (I guess everyone else made it home more than I did.) Katie seems pretty settled down during her first few weeks in the city. Dan has been here for five years and loves it here. It's nice to know that there are a few Alaskans out here doing our thing, because the city seems so big sometimes, though it's really a small world in some sense.

It's given me some things to think about, like where I want my life to go in the next few years. I really do want the same things I did 10 years ago, and it's just more of a priority to get to a place in my life where I've freed myself up enough to start doing said things.

(...)

In other news, B and I played some pool last night. We had a good time, though I was expecting more of the work crew to show up. It's funny how fast people change their minds, because I was pretty bummed out that no one else decided to show. Oh well. I let B have a pretty good handicap by shooting with my weak hand, though I have to say I didn't do that half-bad. Maybe I'll end up becoming good shooting with both hands because of it. The important thing was that she felt good about kicking my ass 3-2. I'll let her have that one.

We also met up for some baby shower shopping today. There was a funny moment where I was passing the chair section and it seemed that all the guys were taking a seat while the women were hurredly looking for baby things. (I think I'll use that in my writings somewhere...)

B really wants to have kids. She's been talking about her relationship with her boyfriend in a way that makes me think they won't last. Alluding to joining matchmaking websites or commenting that so-and-so is hot. I've stopped responding to her about that, because I've pledged to not get involved.

She's also been paying more attention to me in certain ways, like she made a comment about not liking my haircut last night. She's really one of my best friends out here in the city. I'm happy about that, too.

(...)

I'm going through one of my funks again. I always get despondant around the holidays because I haven't had a special girl to share them with. I've always mentioned a girl or two that I would hang around, but never brought anyone "home" to meet my family since I was sixteen. My sister asked if I ever had feelings for Katie earlier today. I think she's worried that I've never mentioned a serious girlfriend before. What can I say, no one's been that special in my life so far.

She's out there, though. Probably wondering why she hasn't met the right guy.

Well, I'm here, waiting for her to show up. Or bump into somewhere.

A Little Reunion

So there's the exciting-yet-scary prospect of meeting some old friends from high school coming up tomorrow night. I'm going through with it, but all these insecurities keep creeping up on me during my idling moments.

Like in the shower, I thought, "Maybe you'll end up making yourself look like a complete ass." Or while walking to work it was, "You're still the same dork they knew in high school."

WTF, you know? It's been over 9 years! There's this scene from one of my favorite movies, Gross Pointe Blank, where Jeremy Piven shows up to the dance and brags about how he's all grown up and stuff, then goes whimpering like a dog when the hot girl from high school walks by. She totally ignores him while he's trying to get her attention. I have dreams like that sometimes. I guess I was a mess in high school because I knew a lot of people, but didn't have a lot of real friends.

It's not like that with these guys, though. These kids I'm meeting up tomorrow were always cool with me. In fact, though every school had their cliques and such, we were in fucking Alaska, so nobody was really that snobbish. But I still felt like an outsider.

I know it's going to be fun tomorrow. We'll show up, have a few laughs over a few beers, ask about so-and-so, then exchange numbers, only to never call each other for yet another long block of time...

I'm being fecitious, but speaking of which, why do we do that anyway? Why do we go through the motions of meeting people up only to realize that we've gone our separate ways over the years and decide not to catch up? It's kind of stupid, if you ask me, but I'm one to talk. I'm guilty of it, too.

I decided that I'm not going to do that tomorrow. I really do want to reconnect with these people. I've been waiting for this a long time. I've occasionally thought of my old friends from high school and wondered what they were up to, but didn't really pursue finding anyone until this year. And I've been pretty lucky so far. I guess I'm ready to talk about the past and rehash.

So, music, beer, friends from Alaska, and old times. And pictures. Should be a good night.

Restless Monkey

I've been able to put B aside this week since I've come clean. I have to say though, that as a precaution, I did delete the posts regarding that. I had an eerie feeling that someone at work would indirectly find my blog and figure out who I was writing about. Call me a chickenshit, but I just wanted to be safe.

That being said, I've been able to put things aside and move on.

So I had a drink with SI tonight, which wasn't entirely enjoyable for two reasons: one-- we had a drink across the street from where I work, and I lied to my boss about wanting to leave early, so I was distracted the whole time; and two-- the chef from the coffee shop we went to sat himself down and kept talking to SI, and pretty much cockblocked me. What was even more annoying was that I was too distracted to tell him to bugger off so I could enjoy the 20 hurried minutes we had before she had to catch her bus.

It sucks that it was the first chance I've had since I met her to have an opportunity to get to know her, and it was completely fucked up for those two reasons. It sucks because she's been "busy" and has put off meeting up for a few months now. And it sucks because I've been interested in her for a while, and might not get another chance like this again.

Note to self: Next time I pick the place. And no annoying cooks.

We had a nice walk home, though she kept talking about being annoyed at how much attention she gets. That's what has kept me from taking it anywhere with her-- another girl keeping me at bay. I can't tell if she's just venting or is also trying to tell me, "Don't."

(...)

On another note, I wanted to hang out with Party Girl, but I don't feel like going out tonight. I just can't seem to relive the not-so-old-days right now. My body seems to send out a resounding "No!" whenever I hear about going out on a "school night," and I momentarily shudder at the thought of waking up groggy and disheveled, smelling of beer and cigarettes. I like my routine right now. I sleep. Like a normal person should. Don't want to lose that now.

She's another one I've had my eye on. Still can't figure out what turns me on about her. We seem to have a little cat-and-mouse game going on where we'll pretend not to notice each other at work. Then I'll catch her looking my way or I'll touch her arm passing her by. She'll wink at me from across the room. Today, she poked me with her pen while heading upstairs, not looking back. I could feel her smile as she felt me looking at her walking away. I smiled, too.

She called me last night on her way back from the airport to ask me to come out, but she didn't call back. I was flattered that she thought of me for that moment, which makes me think she's a little interested in me.

(...)

I guess there are worse things than liking more than one girl at the same time. Which reminds me-- there is a cute *New Girl* at work. Very petite and nice. Mmmmmmm. I'm such a bad monkey.

The whole thing makes me restless. So I do what I only can do in a situation like this.

I blog.

Woodbury... The Land Of The Discount

Today a group of us conquered Woodbury Commons. It was a *looooonnnng* day of shopping (we met up at 10am and I just got home at 8pm,) but a beautiful day, so it's justified. I feel so accomplished because I set out to only buy a pair of Timberlands, but ended up with a few nice cardigans, a few pairs of jeans (including my first black pair, and my first Levi 517's,) some Ray Bans (<--inset: aren't they cool?), and a skull cap.

I'm pretty stoked about what I spent. I never like shopping because it's endless looking around and not finding anything. But boy, was I on a mission. Shminker and I hit up SIX stores in 30 minutes, 'cause I was speed-shopping for some Oxford shoes. I never knew I could do that. Didn't find them this time, but there's always the day after Thanksgiving.

So all in all it was a pretty good day. I had to curb my distaste for long lines in favor of great bargins, but sacfrifices must be made for the greater good.

In all reality, coming out here is a good idea. Prices are so good for designer clothes, it's worth it despite having to troll through a lot of haystacks just to get your needle. A word to the wise: target the more middle-priced stores early, because that's when the lines are the smallest. And forget about trying to leave after 5pm. It's an hour to get there from Manhattan but two hours back (yikes!)

There's always next time... And I've got a plan.

Note to self: Remember to take GWB to 95-N to 17-N to 87-N, then exit 16 for Woodbury.

Got My Camera...

I finally got a loner camera from a friend at work. Today, I was trying to make it out early so I could buy the replacement battery and charger. Made it to the store just before it closed. Yes!

So now the battery's charging and it's only a matter of time until I can start posting pics on this blog. I'm so pumped! I'm looking forward to start taking pictures again. And with the instant gratification of digital... I'm so excited!

I've also been dabbling with graphic design again. Working on a few ideas for a friend's album cover and logo design. Pretty stoked about that as well.

We'll see how this direction will go. I've always done something with graphic design and there might be a future in it for me. Another artist friend of mine was talking about merchandising if I can come up with something for him and a clothing line.

Never thought I'd be doing it professionally.

Hmmmm.

Chili and Insecurities

I'm such a cleaver little monkey.

Tonight I'm making chili for the lunch the next few nights. I've never been intuitive about cooking until recently. I was shopping at the grocery while doing my laundry ('cause I'm a multi-tasker,) I was trying to figure out how to make the chili from the ground turkey, onion, and green pepper I had from last week. So I bought a can of crushed tomatoes, a red pepper, and chicken broth.

Started the pot at home, added the stuff from last week, the ingredients from this week, some beans (black and red kidney, of course,) and...

Mmmmmm... It smells *soooo* good! Preliminary tasting confirms. Yes... I AM cleaver.

(...)

So today I came across another realization about myself: I'm insecure. Well, maybe it isn't so much a realization rather than another part of me I'm willing to face now. (I've been on a roll with that sort of thing, no?)

As much as I said I shouldn't be hanging with her, I've been trying to get to know Party Girl a little better. I know-- I'm a glutton for punishment. So I thought I would ask her to join me for lunch.

When I got down to ask her, though, Shminker (the kid I work with) was already in the lunch room with her. That sneaky bastard.

Later, when I got back from lunch, Boss was telling me about two of our disgruntled clients who were disputing card charges with our General Manager. He advised me to stay away from the room they were in. According to him, they claimed I was "rude" and refused them to see Boss when they came to visit, that I had an "attitude problem."

I was floored. I seem to remember the three of us laughing and talking about Virginia and Colorado during their visit. Then I got a flash of anger. I'm NEVER disrespectful to a client. It can be frustrating sometimes, but I don't lose my cool in front of them (it's always behind close doors.)

Long story short, I admitted to myself that I was both jealous and defensive about the two accounts today, which brought me to conclude about being insecure. It's funny about this year, because I feel more challenged than I've ever been before. More situations keep knocking me down, and I realize how much more I have to grow up.

So I guess I have a few more things to work on, except for the chili, which is pretty damn good.

Hothead!

I didn't realize until this year that I have quite a temper.

I always thought of myself as a passive, patient kind of guy. It's just that lately, people at work (and customers) seem to know how to get me fired up.

It always happens the same way. Somebody says something to me, I shut up, get angry, turn red, then start blowing up.

I remember my acting coach always trying to get me more "emotional." But I would never budge. Now it seems like my switches are easily turned on.

This is a new area for me, I admit, because I never let myself lose my "cool."

Though I have to say, I rather enjoy letting loose once in a while.

It's kinda fun.