Oh, And The Other Reason...

As to why yesterday was pretty awesome.

I got a call from Offer #2. Now while I don't know for sure, I'm pretty certain that it's for a job offer. If I work for this other company, there's a very good chance that I could double my income, just on sheer volume.

And making a LOT of money right now does kind of appeal to me.

All In All, A Good Day

Today was awesome!

First thing I did when I got to work: Paid off my car!!!

For those of you who know what it's like to finally pay off a big loan, I shared that feeling with you. I made my final payment on a 5-year car loan that I was more than happy to get rid of. I mean (at least) from here on out, that every paycheck I earn from this moment on will be that much more I'm saving. For trips, hopefully. And dates. And to start putting away for the future.

And speaking of dates-- I met this really cute girl at work. She was a customer that needed a simple top. And being that she was pretty hot, I devoted a little more attention to her, running the gamut of my expertise in choosing something to fit her request. At first, she seemed a little standoff-ish (as I would expect most women would be toward me.) But it seemed like I won her over, as she allowed me to see her in the tops and offer my opinion. I found out that she had just moved to the City a few months ago and was working in retail around the corner from my shoppe. It was in the end when I realized that she might be interested. After I got her information, I joked that I would be calling her cell phone a lot. "Maybe you should," she flirted back, half-blushing.

"Let's start with me coming to visit you," I offered. "How about I come tomorrow?" She seemed all right with that. I noticed that I started blushing, as the temperature started getting a little warmer from where I was standing. I walked her out as she expressed how impressed she was by my service.

The end of tonight was okay. I met B and a few of the girls from her office out. I noticed her tone with me was a little harsh in between comments she made. When she got up for a smoke, her girlfriend mentioned that we might want to talk about something. For the rest of the night, B and I sent texts back and forth (even though we were sitting across from each other.) I asked if we were okay. She said we were "not really okay." Since the other girl was headed her way, I couldn't really talk to her. But the other friend was there. I made sure not to try and get anything out of her, complimenting our friendship and how much I loved her (as a friend.) Her friend said it might be over "something stupid."

Then she asked the dreaded question. We were at the platform and she said, "So, did you ever have feelings for her? Romantically?"

I froze. Oh fuck. Not THAT question. I paused for a moment. I was about to answer, then she did. "Probably right from the beginning, huh?" I acknowledged, making sure to mention that a lot of it had to do with the fact she was dating my friend at the time, BEFORE I knew her, so I had to move on. I explained the way guys sometimes think about women who are taken by another friend. "Chris Rock said it best," I started. "If you meet a girl that your (boy) is dating, you think, Wow. She's nice. I'm sure I could meet a girl like her. Now when a woman meets a man that her girl is with, she thinks, I want... him!!!." The friend looked at me. "Hmmm," she said. "That makes sense."

All I kept thinking was, SAFE! No foul! I felt that it was the best way to put my feelings for B, albeit the truth, which in itself is really complicated and back-and-forth over this matter. Ultimately, yes, I realize that B and I would never be compatible romantically. But my answer is a half-truth, mostly because my feelings for her come and go. There are times when I wish things could work. And there are many times that I understand why we're not together.

And regardless of this, my only concern is that we work things out. I want her in my life. I don't know why, though. I just like having her there. She's my most objective friend, and it's her objectivity (her sense of plainly telling her point of view) that I value her. I love her. But it's more platonic than anything. And I know that she would never admit that she liked me, even in the slightest. So I have to accept her as my friend. And while I might get jealous if someone else comes into her life, it just makes sense not to lose her over my feelings. Not this time. Not ever.

I might change my mind in the future. I might. But I'm not to the point of being THAT fed up over the matter. So staying in the background is what works for me. I'll 'fess up, but only if she does.

And it's also the same with PG. And with her, I know there's something there. But she's just as stubborn.

I admit it. It's about power.

I just don't want to give up mine. I've realized that (at least) for me, that's when I truly lose with women.

All in all, it was a good day.

Why I Work In Sales

I did a little reading on escorts the other day.

(Sidenote: About 97% of the things I learn today are found on the internet.)

The courtesan has always been of interest to me, especially since I read The Art Of Seduction, by Robert Greene. Seduction has also been a huge fascination for me, but even more are seductive women. I've known many, many women who use their guile to acquire things they want and need. And like most people, I'm also taken with people (especially women) who are sexually charged. It fascinates me how we can use sex as a tool. And how some people can separate emotion from intimacy. Sometimes I don't think I am capable of accomplishing this, although I often find myself realizing otherwise. It led me to believe that seduction and power are more related to your state of mind situationally versus something that is part of your moral constitution.

Anyway, about the article. It was this girl from Iceland. (I have an affinity for anything Icelandic, so I was thrilled to be reading this.) As I got into the article, Lara's life seemed reminiscent of some other people I personally know. One of them is a girl whom I recently met up with again and went on a date. Even though I decided to end my friendship with her, Lara's article brought up a few suspicious thoughts I had filed away regarding my friend's unwillingness to divulge details. This in regard to her London trip, a few other out-of-town weekends , and the general person I'd seemingly known for the last 6 years. (How else can a girl survive in New York City waitressing 3 nights a week?)

But there are other types of modern-day courtesans. One of them is another girl I know, Marie, who has a continual string of beaus. In fact, I count almost 5 or 6 over the last three years, each one succeeding the other after a break-up. To my knowledge, Marie has also never held a steady job in the last few years, at one time holding 3 jobs simultaneously. I think that Marie has boyfriends as a means for financial stability, especially since she told me her new boy just moved in after the other one broke up and moved out.

The point in all of this is that I realize why a lot of us acknowledge women as the more superior species. Granted, a lot of ideals are changing in the wake of the feminist movement, but a woman's instinct for survival of lifestyle in this day and age are truly remarkable. In fact, when I think about it more, a lot of the women I personally know have had a continual rotation of beaus.

The other point about courtesans and escorts is it had reminded me of a time when I had strongly considered becoming a part of the World's Oldest Profession. This was a long time ago, almost out of high-school, when sex was fast becoming all I would think about. I wanted to be a lover to many women, very Don Juan, et al. Back then I had a lot of moral issues (as one does) and decided against it.

But my encounter with Kim the other day and my recent reading has brought the subject back, just to have something to think about. Me Today would probably consider it if I didn't think it would ruin my chances at finding a special girl. Believe me, having a job where I pleased many women sexually and got paid for it would be pretty fun. That's why, I guess, I don't mind my current occupation: selling clothes to them.

Minus the sex, it's a lot of fun.

Choosing To Be Happy

It's funny how accomplished I feel today even though I did very little.

I think the only thing I really did today was cook. And move my car.

I have noticed a marked increase in my appetite. I have been eating (huge) salads for lunch at work, prefaced with a decent breakfast, and "elevensies"-- a term an English friend of mine likes to use. And after that, I still have to eat another meal around 5 o'clock, then usually something when I get home.

Despite all the eating, my stomach has been getting a little more trim. This is a very good thing. I just find it funny that I've progressed into eating almost 5 times a day, mostly because I have been eating pretty healthy. And it's only been a month since I've changed my "evil" ways.

Perhaps it's the act of cooking and cleaning up afterward that makes me feel so accomplished. So grown up. I'm proud of the fact that I can look after myself. I have adopted the idea of going to the grocery more than once a week. And doing my chores regularly makes me feel like I'm ready for the next part in my life: involving someone to share it with.

Still working on this part. I seem to be of the mind that I will be ready for this when mind, body, and soul (and chores) are in sync. I have yet to accomplish a regular exercise routine. Granted, it's a work in progress. But finding the joy in doing such "mundane" activity is very fulfilling.

I think this means overall that I'm pretty happy with my life. Or have chosen to be.

And that's all that really matters.

Still Got It

Kim was my last customer before we closed. Petite, sexy, and maybe mid-to-late-thirties. She blew in and picked out a whirlwind of clothes. "I make up my mind quickly," she said, rushing into the dressing room. I ran like Superman, bringing new pieces and having her pick out the ones she liked.

I didn't realize how brazen this attractive woman was. On her first few items she invited me into the dressing room and disrobed her top, revealing a washboard stomach and black satin bra. When I came back with more trousers, she comfortably revealed her black lace panties. Considering my prior employment, I'm no stranger to women taking their clothes off in front of me-- just not sexy, smoking financial firm managers.

She rushed on about the time. "I'm going on a blind date," she blurted to me through the menagerie of tangled garments. It was 6:40. "And I'm late," she continued. "And he's texted me asking where I am." She seemed a bit perturbed about her date being a little pushy for their first night, then again, I don't think I would be shopping for clothes minutes before a first date. I acknowledged her predicament and asked for her information so I could ring her up.

A few minutes went by and she came out just as I produced her receipts. She was about to walk away, then came back and gave me her cell phone. "I want to come back and shop pretty soon," she hurriedly said. I thanked her for the visit and gave her my card.

Just as Kim was walking out the door, I wished her Good Luck on her blind date. Then she turned around, smiled, and asked in front of the whole store, "So what about you?" I hollered back that we'll talk about it sometime, realizing right at that moment why she gave me her private number just a moment ago. Just as she left, I caught the surprised looks from a few of the girls at work.

"Guess she wants to come back," I shrugged. The sale wasn't that great, but it was pretty clear to see that Kim made my night.

I think I'm going to like working here.

Dear Torvo,

I don't like the fact that I cannot read your blog anymore. I'm sure you need a minute to straighten some things out. Please don't take it out on your Monkey friends.


Sincerely,


RM

Settling In

The first week is almost at a close. Had a nice sale today, which puts me in 2nd place for high sales this week. Not bad for a rookie in the first week.

And don't get me wrong. It might sound like I'm tooting my own horn but I've got something to prove. I feel there is a lot riding on my shoulders in terms of me doing well. It's only because I want to make a good first impression that I'm trying to short circuit all the pleasantries and get down to business.

But for all things considered, I will give myself a little pat on the back. Just a little one.

I hope that each day will be as fun as today. I picked up a really attractive (married) woman about 2 hours into the shift. Tight. Hot. And from Miami. I think she was Cuban-American. But I hope to be helping a lot of women just like her. Easy. Simple. Decisive. She knew what she wanted, so I let her lead the sale. I brought her probably 1/3 of the store but it was worth the effort. Some of the training kicked in again and took over my instinct. It was nice that she wasn't put off by my being a regular guy. And that goes to prove that perhaps I am cut out for this job.

And so my last shift for the week will be tomorrow. I'm a little put off that it's the Sunday AFTER St. Patrick's Day. I hope that my ex-GM will come in and shop. And that I can start pulling some of the girls from corporate down to see me. I think it will create a nice buzz and help jump-start my business.

I must get off-line so I can start developing a business plan. Back to work, right? At least it seems like I'm hitting the ground running.

First Day

Today was a good first day.

I remember going over a few pointers on the train ride this morning. Behind my steel gray Ray-Bans, I mentally chanted a mantra, "Keep your mouth shut, Monkey. Keep your mouth shut." See, I have a tendency to passively come across like a know-it-all, a virtue I am all too aware of yet don't like to admit. It's plagued me since I was in high school. I've always felt like I had something to prove. That I wanted to be the best.

Today was no different. I found myself chanting today (in my mind!) because I was wisely advised by my friend and ex-coworker, Pinchie, to do so a few weeks ago, after the assuage of a few well-placed beers. She assured me it was for my own good and that I should tone down my know-it-all-ness.

I figured I was doing pretty well. All day long I listened intently to my managers and new co-workers. I said nothing, aside from a few friendly (read: corny) jokes. I did a lot of nodding and question-asking (two other virtues I am proud of, as they tend to soften the know-it-all in me.)

I had been stepping away from customers all day long, allowing other people to sell and had decidedly taken a more observatory route. Things were going smoothly.

Then it happened.

I helped a couple of ladies in need of a dress. I was showing the daughter a few pieces. All of a sudden, my instinct took over and I was suddenly selling to her mother and the girl. The next thing I knew I had two customers instead of just one and it turned into a pretty nice sale. Not bad for a first day.

I thought I was going to get reamed. Mostly because it seemed like I was supposed to be "hanging back" for most of the day. Partly because I worked without any real coaching. And that part of me that took over was a little bit of the know-it-all. Thankfully nothing happened. No harsh words came to pass.

But I thought back to my interview with my (now) managers. They wanted someone to shake things up, to hit the ground running. I told them I was their man.

Nothing wrong with keeping one's word.

Can't Sleep

It's almost four in the morning.

I live in one of the greatest cities in the world and I'm home alone, wide-awake, on a Saturday night, in bed. Alone.

That's not the issue though. Tonight was actually more enjoyable than most. I think it's because I realized that I saved a few hundred dollars by not going out and getting drunk. I watched a few flicks, ate some cookies, and browsed the 'net.

This could all be a side-effect of being older. It probably is. Knowing that my night is better spent home alone rather than being out with people and getting wasted. Knowing that I'm being-- no, choosing to be more responsible with my life than in the past.

I did throw some things out. One of those things was my attachment to PG.

I have come to realize that I can no longer be afraid to let go. Especially when it comes to feelings that aren't based on anything tangible. Sure, the feelings are real. Were real. But they were never founded on anything solid.

Here's the truth: she never called. She never reciprocated. She never let me know that she was interested beyond being friends. And even then, she didn't do a good job of it either. I don't know how many times I asked her for a cup of coffee. Even one time I said it with more gravity (I wanted to tell her I was leaving.) She never replied. Even my last message to her, when I asked that we stop "fighting," she never replied.

Is that the kind of person I want in my life? Is that the kind of friend I want in my life?

No.

Not anymore.

So I have to let go. It's not that it's painful to do so. It's just that I don't like the idea of writing someone off. But I hate being lied to-- and she lied to me a lot. Excuse after excuse. About how she was too busy to call back, or how she didn't get my call/page. And I knew she was lying because she said it with a rushed indignation each time. That she was justified for not replying and that I should just accept it.

And I did try. I gave it my best. Boss was right-- I gave her too much attention.


(...)

This will eat at me for a while. Only because I know that I will play out every scenario of us working it out. And every possible "happy ending." I will hope for the best, as I always do. But the truth will show itself again: I loved someone who didn't love me back.

We did have that moment. Once. When we worked things out. But I don't know about this time. We've had quite a few stand-offs in the last year.

It's not fair. I didn't ask for this. To have this ability to care for women who don't ultimately deserve my capacity to love. I know the problem lies with me, with my power of choice.

I just have to get better at choosing.

I will go through a period of self-doubt. But this time I hope it will be short-lived.

I also wish I didn't have to let PG go. Underneath it all, she would still make a nice friend.

See, there I go again.

Ugh.

Clutter

I started getting rid of shit today. Part of the stuff I have thrown out so far was ruined in the flood from earlier last year when I first moved down here. Mold. Yuck.

I'm in that phase where everything is awry and all over the floor. I hate this part. But shelves are making their homes in the proper cabinets and, in turn, books are making their new homes there. Well, for the moment, there are all of less than 10 books. That's okay.

I hope to attack and finish the rest of this by tomorrow. My vacation is almost over. Just the weekend now.

But it's been a nice week.

The All-Mighty Allah

I used to be a crusader. You know, one of those religious-types that would go around and convert people to my religion, all the while thinking I was racking up points for my eventual entry into "heaven."

I would say that was during a more idealistic phase of my life (maybe it was because I was twelve.)

Tonight's cab ride proved insightful into the other side of things, especially how I must have seemed so long ago. It all started with a simple question. I asked my driver, "Did you say you just got done praying?" It was, after all, 11pm at night. I mean, who prays at 11 at night?

This lead into the history of the Muslim faith. Mind you, this was a ride to Brooklyn, with my driver explaining everything from the creation of man to the 124,000 prophets of Allah. The whole ride I kept silent, mostly because I couldn't get a word in edge-wise, other than me pointing for the next turn. My passionate little missionary proceeded to make arguments about how many people converted to Islam after 9/11 and how it is necessary for Muslims to make a pilgrimage to Mecca every year. And even why, allegedly, men "don't have bones in their pee-pees" anymore. No really. He went there. (Apparently, it was the work of an angel.) The whole time I thought Adam only lost a rib, but I guess that was wrong. (And to think this whole time...)

Yes, even after we stopped, I endured another 5 minutes of explaining all to come to the point of what I learned by tonight's dissertation, that I should walk away understanding that "Muslim" means "submission," as in "all things in the world are in submission to Allah." And then I got handed a few (five) little pamphlets with an invitation to join my newfound "friend" when I wanted to convert to his church.

A very nice man, indeed. One thing, though. I never got to ask why you need to pray 5 times a day to Allah. Had it not been for my lesson in the Muslim faith, I think I would have had the chance to ask that.

I guess some things are better left un-asked.

And I guess some people have to pray at 11.

Psyche!

I decided my last day would be today.

It was a last minute thing. Asked for tomorrow off through Boss and got it approved. Got a form signed for all next week, too.

I thought about it. People started talking. And I know that tomorrow would be hell. I would not be able to stand another 8 hours there. I'd be all distracted and stuff. I think this would be better.

So the other assistant and I went for beers after work. It's been almost 7 months since we went for a drink, and it made it better that we weren't working together anymore to be able and hang out.

We went to the local dive and started pouring them down. Good times. She's all pissed that I'm skipping out on the "last day," seeing that tomorrow is a store meeting. Personally, I think I made the right move. Just chill and not talk to anyone, which is what I'll be doing today.

That way I still get the upper hand. And I don't have to worry about the rumors going out early.

Ha ha ha.

It's fitting for me this time.

See ya, sucka!