Alaska, My Hometown

Going home to Alaska last week was one of the best vacations I have ever taken in the last few years.

In fact, this was my best visit home by a long shot.

The trip was mostly focused on family. It was actually the highlight of my vacation because it brought a lot of closure to questions that needed answering-- questions that I never really put into words. Well, maybe the best way to put it was that I learned to just accept certain things I realized I couldn't change.

For one, I reconciled with my the fact that my little brother is all grown up now. We had a few good talks, went out drinking-- even went to a strip club together. It's pretty cool when you can do the things with your younger sibling activities you would normally reserve for your close friends.

Other parts included accepting that although I'll never really understand my father or his mad-scientist approach to creating the next big thing, I truly do love him. And that, I guess, means that deep down I really do understand him. He showed me something that really amazed me: a book with every accolade, certificate, and letter of acknowledgment he's acquired over the last 40 years, complete with two crowning achievements-- his 98% graded soldering exam (up to NASA specs,) and a one-page account of his educational and employment history. I was floored that someone who only finished with a GED completed over 20 years of schooling and college courses (mostly in electronics and computers.) It's something I'll never forget.

Another highlight was just taking in all the scenery that Alaska has. Everywhere you drive, there's just you, the road, and the mountains (which are pretty darn close compared to most states.) It was awe-inspiring. And breath taking.

I think the better part of my trip was doing uncle-duty. I took my niece and nephew out for a few drives, some ice cream ala McDonald's, and watched them play soccer. It was there I realized that my nephew will never amount to a proper athlete (although for an eight-year-old he can draw some wicked pictures,) and my little niece is such an amazing little ball of fire. And a ham in front of the camera.

All in all, my trip was one of spending a lot of quality time. And I think that, combined with the scenic setting of Anchorage, was worth every minute of the 18-hour journey back and forth.

Why She's Not Right For Me, Vol. 1

We sat down for brunch a little after ten this morning, discussing her plans for moving here. She's in town for a week and wanted to see me before I leave to Alaska tomorrow, so brunch seemed like a good idea.

This would be our second time meeting in person. The first was over a month ago, only after weeks of speaking with her over the phone. We got to know each other pretty fast through our brief and flirtatious calls. Our first meeting was over dinner in her hometown in Florida, and although I was there to see other people, I made a side-trip to meet this intriguing, sultry woman over the phone. It was a wonder she was only 24.

Our meal was fine, punctuated with a few glasses of fresh-squeezed orange juice and coffee. We talked about her desire and drive to find a place in Manhattan over the next week, me offering her a little advice about apartment hunting.

Later, we drove and went to a few open houses, the whole while covering the main areas of Manhattan in the least amount of time possible. To save time, we looked up listings on my phone and called and e-mailed as soon as something fell into her price range. We drove through all the desirable areas-- Spanish Harlem, Upper East Side, Upper West, Alphabet City, Lower East Side, SoHo, Hell's Kitchen. We even took a side trip to Brooklyn and she squealed in excitement over her first trip over the Brooklyn Bridge while she called her mother, teary-eyed. It was a nice moment for me because I thought back to my first moments in the city almost 10 years ago.

We drove to the pier in DUMBO and took a little walk, while she explained her reasons for wanting to move here. I could feel something in the back of my mind bothering me, a subtle reason as to why I should give up this secret little crush I had for her.

I had wanted to like her. A lot. She's strong, vivacious, funny. Very intelligent. And driven. Qualities I like in a woman. And I found myself developing affection for her over the last few weeks since our first dinner together, making the time to talk to her here and there over the phone. But I couldn't deny that something was holding me back, and that little voice inside my head started talking again. You'll only be friends. Don't try too hard.

We finished our tour around three o'clock, with time for me to go home and start packing for my trip. She thanked me for the day, we hugged, said goodbye, and I drove off. I smiled knowing I did something useful today helping a new friend out.

My ride down the FDR was peaceful. I thought more about what it was about our last two meetings that made me decide to just be friends...

When the check came earlier today, she didn't offer to pay or leave a tip. And the first thing she said when we were on our way was that she didn't have any cash. I even suggested we go to an ATM and she balked, saying that she would rather go to her bank to save on the fees. Since her bank was out of our way, she declined my offer to drive her there. The only thing she paid for was the New York Times she picked up for today's classifieds, but that was after I gave her $1.25 and she realized the paper was $4.00. ($4? For a newspaper?!? C'mon, really?)

(To offer a little perspective on this, being single I've been out with my share of women, young and older, and not just in New York. Friends and dates alike, they always offer to leave something after dinner, if not deciding to split the bill. More impressively are the ones who pay alternately with me. Even PG would buy for me.)

And the last time we went out it was the same thing: she didn't pull out her card or anything. And it was her suggestion to meet for dinner. Both times she kept quiet until I paid, then thanked me.

And while discussing how much to budget for living here each month, when I brought up the subject of going out and setting aside money for that she said, rather princess-like, "Well, I'm a girl, so I shouldn't have to pay for drinks."

It made sense. She was... shrewd. And while it's a quality I admire in some people, I found it to be mildly irritating with her, like a blemish that's noticeable yet doesn't (entirely) ruin a pretty face. But it does turn you off. A bit.

So that being said, I have a plan next time we decide to go out. We'll see if I can get her to pay for dinner and a movie. I'll even make it easy on her-- dinner can be catered by a hot dog vendor.

Apartment Hunting, Alaska, and Getting Closure

I have a lot on my mind for 6:30am on a Sunday.

I went to bed early in anticipation of meeting a friend who's here on an apartment-finding trip. She'll be moving here rather soon (pretty cool,) and will be transferring jobs to my location (even cooler,) and quite possibly work in my department (fuckin' awesome!) Anyway, she wanted to meet up and asked we do breakfast and a little apartment hunting. This will be my only day to see her before I leave home to Alaska this week.

Needless to say, I woke up early, but realized soon after that it wasn't the anticipation of our meeting that excited me.

I started browsing online, looking for things I was thinking of today. (Seriously, I don't know what I would do without the internet.) Caught up on light reading (blogs.) Checked out a synopsis for the new Jet Li/Jason Statham movie (saw an ad on the train today.) Checked my messages (MySpace.) Something wasn't clicking.

Then it came to me. Today is PG's birthday. With the exception of the last three parties I ran into her at, one of which was last week, we haven't had a decent (or polite) conversation in almost 6 months. I guess there's nothing to figure out. This kind of thing happens-- people just stop talking to you, for no apparent reason. It's just life. They don't return your calls, they don't call you to say hi, they just cut you out of their lives.

I never get used to this kind of thing because I'm a person that needs closure in my relationships. But it's something that happens to me. And it never gets any easier. What makes matters worse is I tend to personalize things and end up thinking it's somewhat my fault. So it's the guilt that hurts, the possibility that I may be responsible for these write-offs that occur.

But it's not just PG, it's been happening with a few people in my world. I end up thinking that people just hate me for no apparent reason, at least no obvious reason.

But like I said, it's something I haven't gotten used to. I don't like being this venerable. I don't like being this sensitive about it.

It's times like these I was cut from a more rigid cloth.

(...)

To make matters more interesting, it'll be more of the same when I go home this week. I never thought I would be looking forward to seeing everyone again. I am, but only because it's been 10 years. The past is just that-- past. I sent out a few e-mails and got a few numbers, but I don't know if seeing everyone will be a good thing.

And while I'll be seeing those people who reached out to me, I think it's a good idea to let bygones be bygones. Sure, I'll go out to the local bars and shit, but if I run into those other people, well, we'll see.

There is one thing I looking forward to-- going to my favorite spot at home. It's a little bluff at the bottom of a neighborhood not too far from my parent's house. The sunsets there are pretty cool.

And, of course, family time.

Maybe that's all the closure I really need.

Suggestions

Sometimes all you need is a good wingman. Even if they don't know they're being one.

I took a new friend to a party with my old co-workers. I didn't think about it at the time, but it turned out to be a very good idea, because I ignored the urge to try and talk to some people I really shouldn't be talking to.

It didn't turn out to be a very social setting. We were in a lounge that was playing loud rap and hip-hop so the two of us ended up in a corner talking to each other. And things got pretty boring after an hour, so we left. On our way out, a girl I met a few times came up to me and we chatted for a minute and made polite introductions. After she left, my unbeknown wingman suggested that I ask her out. I thought that was a pretty good suggestion.

But the two of us ended going back to Brooklyn and just spent time talking. We were introduced through a mutual friend, so we had much to talk about. Before we knew it, four hours had wizzed by, so we called it a night.

Our conversation was a good one, because my new wingman lent some perspective on some things about dating in New York. Things that I would love to get into detail now, but I really have to go. See, as soon as I got home, I ran into my neighbor, who suggested I come up for a drink.

Another really good suggestion tonight.

So I'm off...