Things Getting Back To Normal

So today, The Boss wanted to "chat" with me.

It always makes me nervous when she wants to chat. The first thing that ran through my mind was whether or not she found this page and discovered everything I've been writing about her. "Oh God," I thought. "We're gonna have The Discussion. And I'm gonna get fired, because I've made her uncomfortable, and Oh God,..."

I went through all the possible ways I could cover my ass. Deny. Yep. Just deny everything. It's not my blog. I've been vague. I didn't write those things. I'll just delete everything when I get home.

Then I remembered that we have never had a bad chat. No, almost every time it's been about work and how I've been making her look good lately, and perhaps this chat is about something that would be nice...

We sat down after a spell and she started talking. It was about work. And I've been asked to make a presentation before her (our) superiors over the things I do with clients. She went on and on, just smiling and talking. Like our previous conversations relating to this, she turned from the flirty, sexy, winky boss to more of a proud mother. What's funny is that I could sense the detachment she makes. And as we talked, I started to feel as if this crush I've been having was fading away, lost under a more professional relationship, although I was thinking about how pretty she was today, and how her smile is so beguiling, and how her neckline was so seductive in her v-neck blouse.

She offered to talk outside of work, after I get back from vacation, perhaps over a coffee or something. I thought no, let's not. But I didn't answer. This could be a window. A window to get to know her better.

I left the meeting and had a cigarette. The sun was nice and warm outside on the terrace.

Then, later in the day, she came on the floor and I saw her talking with other people from the office. I sent her a message telling her how much I was glad she was nuts. She then replied, "That's why u love me."

And it's true. That is why I do. She's silly and accessible. Tangible. Those are qualities I find so attractive in a woman. Someone who can take me out of my serious self and bring out this silly little kid I have in me, even for a moment. And I realized that is the dynamic which puts her above all the other women in my life for the moment. She's like a little kid, too, and she is not afraid to share that.

I think, though, that for the most part things are back to the way they used to be. I left today not wanting her, not thinking about how much I may be thinking about her over this trip. Even after her saying she will miss me, and the kiss on the cheek, I left feeling right as rain.

This is how it's supposed to be, I thought.

The Stand-In/Getting Over It (A Little)

So the girl from work and I hung out again last night. I picked her up from school and we went to a little bar where my friends work.

I was still a little put off about the day's events, because, after all, I don't have too many experiences where a new female in my life (especially one I work with) wants to spend the better part of a whole day with me.

We sat down for drinks and continued our conversation from earlier.

Then, somewhere after we started our second cocktail, the truth came out.

"Well, see, as you know, my boyfriend and I aren't getting on well," she started.

"Yeah," I started to say. I could see something was about to be said I wasn't going to like very much.

"And, well, I have a few admirers I could call, but I just didn't want to go through that today..."

"Which is why you wanted to hang out with me," I finished. "Someone new."

"Yeah," she said sheepishly.

I thought about it for a minute. It was true-- I didn't like the statement, but that was beside the point. It was true about most of my life with women. It seems whenever a girl is having trouble in her relationship she calls on me. And I guess it doesn't matter whether or not I know them very well. Apparently, from this last experience, they just seem to know that I'm that guy.

A fucking stand-in.

The rest of the evening was all right. I don't remember much, because my mind was still back at the bar, thinking of all the cases where women have used me for emotional support. I don't think I'm fond of this idea of being an emotional crutch for these women. Friend, yes. But I don't think I want this stigma following me around anymore.

And if it wasn't for this last girl, I guess I wouldn't have known.

(...)

A little more progress on my closure with The Boss. I started realizing today that despite all the flirtatious gestures and inside jokes we share at work, not once has she accepted my advances. There was the time I asked her to come and join a few of us for a drink after work; she politely declined. There was the time I offered to split a cab with her on our way home from another Christmas party; she also declined, rather adamantly I seem to remember. Then it also occurred to me that she's only called me once not relating to work, and that was to thank me for her Christmas present. All the other times I've called her, she's never answered the phone or even acknowledged why she didn't answer.

Now it could be that she's just a busy woman and has a lot to do, but I think the real reason is pretty simple, and I'm just not admitting it yet: She's not into me.

Why can't I relegate this under the heading of Done, Over, and Let's-Move-On? Because she still says nice things to me. And she still shoots flirty glances. And, truthfully, I'm a hopeless romantic-- key word here being "hopeless."

I know I'll get over it. But not today, it seems.

...Just Friends, Or What?

The last week or so has found me in somewhat good spirits. Even though The Model and I haven't gone out (yet) per se, women have been taking an interest in my life. Perhaps it's just me noticing, but it seems like I'm getting a few more looks and glances from the opposite sex.

Which kind of brings me to today.

I finally talked to a new girl at work. It's been almost a month, and aside from the usual hi and bye that we have during business hours, I really didn't make time to get to know her. That was, until last week. We sat down for lunch and got to know each other better.

Which lead to us taking the train home a few days later, to where I invited her out for a drink with my buddy. She ended up not coming but I found out we live only a station away from each other and also go to the same gym.

Which lead to her asking me to work out with her today. Which we did. And then had lunch.

Over chocolate pancakes, fries, omlettes, and coffee, she asked if I would go with her (again) to the gym tonight. I agreed, but only if she'll run an errand with me afterward.

I don't think I've made friends so fast. And I noticed something about myself today. I always do the same thing when I'm getting to know a new girl: I fight this little battle in my head about whether or not I'm attracted to her.

She is very attractive, by the way. Great eyes, great smile, a killer body, and a charming accent (she's from South Africa.) Of course, she has a boyfriend, who we talked about a little today.

What I think is pretty strange, though, is her willingness to hang out so often with me in one day, especially someone she just met. I guess what's going through my head is whether or not she's interested in me in that way. I mean, it could be her just wanting to be friends. And maybe no one's taken in interest in me that boldly in a while, so I'm just wanting to see it that way.

Any thoughts?