Always A Gentleman

So I just got back from PG's apartment. It started out us going to coffee and I suggested that we take the train over to her place so that she wouldn't be wiped out having to go home afterward. She was pretty bent today after going out last night.

We went to a Starbuck's for a few hours. Talked about this and that. I learned a little bit more about her. She used to be a horse rider. Owns a pony-horse still. Baystar. My mind was trying to see if we'd be compatible. On one hand there are similarities. Band geeks. Sports injuries. Ambition. Wanting more from life than the others around us. Having higher standards. Our upbringings are mismatched. She comes from a pretty good family. Part of me was playing the devil's advocate. Nothing that couldn't work itself out. But she's a few years younger than I. Meaning that her perspective could change over the next few years. Maybe not.

I decided to walk her the few blocks home. She turned to kiss my cheek but offered me to come up. We unfolded on her couch and flipped on the TV to a movie. Walking Tall. Cheesy but entertaining. You could just see the whole movie unwrap in typical Hollywood style. Good guys, bad guys. Plot. Next step. Moral. Everything.

I had a forty. Then a half. The movie ended. I took my cue to leave. Didn't want to be the friend that "didn't want to go home," you know. Washed out my bottles. Changed the TP. Offered to get her something. Bundled up and went home.

Right before I left my thoughts went to a comment she made. She started to get drowsy after her grande mocha. "My bed's calling," she said. "Yeah," I replied. "Your bed''s calling me, too." She smiled a little and laughed as if to say, "Nice one." Then I smiled the way my niece does when she's being cute for doing something naughty, something she got from my sister. "Just kidding," I recovered. She started, "You know, it's nice to fall asleep next to someone." I thought for a second. Yeah, it would be nice to fall asleep next to you. But not tonight. I could see that maybe this was an impasse into something down the road that could be, rather than take the bet now and lose. Not a big loss, but one you can't recover from.

So I was on my way out. I took a moment. Was this an invitation to stay? Well, there weren't any real signs. She didn't move closer to me while watching the movie. We didn't touch in that suggestive way to invite me to her bed. Even if it was calling her. No. I should go.

I tried one more question. "Don't forget to lock me out." She replied, "It's okay. The door self-locks." Dammit. Oh well, better go.

And I left. The whole time to the train I retraced my steps, making sure I didn't miss a beat. No, this was how it was supposed to unfold. I would go home tonight, alone. Maybe another time. I felt like Neo after Morpheus explained his first visit to the oracle. "What was said was for you and you alone." It couldn't have played out any other way. I got my cookie and was on my way. Except the cookie was a nice buzz from the beer.

I did get a sense that we would be friends from here on out. I made a reference to the friends I've "collected" over the years. Genuine ones. She will have a place in my life like these others. Forever. No matter what happens in the future.

No. Tonight I go home a gentleman. I would want to be remembered as the guy who didn't mistake a friendship for something more. At least this time. I'm sure she's had a few of those. But, that's not to say that it wouldn't be different unless she decided so.

I got the sense that she's been trying out her options in a way. She had a brief affair with a model-type guy who ended up being a dick. It sounded like she wanted more. Now there's this other guy who's promising. But my gut tells me it won't work out. She could tell I don't like him. I mean, how could you go out with someone for four months and not know his last name?

Anyway, I'm home now. Another step into the Friend Zone.

For now.

We'll see. In my experience, coffee ends up being more.