Complete

Being shrouded in insecurity isn't exactly how I imagined being 26 would be like. I'm being sentimental tonight because tomorrow's Valentine's Day and I haven't got someone to share it with.

I've been taking stock of my life recently and have wondered why certain aspects of my life seem a little underdeveloped. Take relationships, for instance. In a lot of ways I feel that I am up to par when it comes to relationships. I can navigate my way through a lot of life's little problems that keep rearing their ugly heads between friends. But when it comes to intimacy with women, I sometimes feel like I'm 16 all over again.

I shouldn't be teetering back and forth between my feelings for a woman I haven't been intimate with. I started thinking about my situation with Party Girl. I haven't even gone on a "date" date with her and already I'm falling for her. I thought about all the other girls I've had similar feelings for. I spend up to two years pining for a string of lost-cause women. They're all great girls, but something's missing deep down for me. Unattainable on some level. They all end up becoming friends, but no romance. And I end up getting together with some random woman that I hit it off with inside of a week. A sexually intense couple of days ensue. But the week-long romance is just that, and I find myself finding all the faults in this one girl I've known for a fraction of the time versus the others.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

My fleeting romances are pseudo-intense. My mind usually wanders into thinking about our possible futures together. "Is this it," I ask myself, "or is this just for the moment?" All of a sudden I back off, thinking I'm going too fast. Then I start falling out of love with them. Done. Almost 2 years will pass without anything, except my chasing the unavailable.

I'm taking note of this because it's been 18 months since my last affair. Conveniently she had to move back to Romania. But I'm left with the few girls I've been pining for since then.

Where does this pattern come from? Why am I still desiring to go after the wrong girl, when the right one could be passing me by? And why am I so unwilling to break free from it?

I sometimes equate my dilemma to an episode of Friends. The girls would use Phoebe to find out if a guy was the wrong kind to be dating. Humorous but true in my case. Given my history. I am attracted to the wrong kind of girl.

It's not an absolute truth, but one that suits the situation. Especially over the last 10 years of my life.

I do however, have a rebuttal. The women I do tend to fall for all posses human qualities I want in someone. Rianna is always thoughtful and understanding. Jessica is independent but needed someone to be there for her. Mihaela is strong spirited. Jennie is hard-working and honest. Party Girl is kind and playful. B is caring and considerate. Angela is a great listener and has a very good voice of reason.

In fact, all of them have a little of each quality, which makes them great friends to have. All of them have qualities like my mother, which could be a Freudian thing. Like pieces to a puzzle.

I wonder when I get to meet the girl who has all these except the one piece missing.

Me.

(Somehow, I don't feel so insecure anymore...)