What Happens Now?

It seems like I didn't do a good job of "letting go" of the situation from Saturday.

I don't know why I can't just forget it and move on. I guess I haven't been the forgiving type lately. I just cut her off today. We talked for about 30 seconds. I wouldn't look her way, look for her, not even look her in the eye. Nothing. We did meet eye to eye for a brief moment passing though the hall, and I caught a smile from her eyes-- the way she usually looks at me. I looked away, and I could see her change inside, like she knew I was still upset. It was only a brief moment. I was pretty fascinated how true it is about the eyes being the window to the soul, because I felt that I understood everything about that look.

I think what irked me the most is that Party Girl's blowing me off wasn't the first or second time. More like the fourth. I guess I'm really angry at myself. She did call to apologize, but even so, there is only so much you are willing to put up with. I take it personally because I allowed myself to like her and only set myself up for disappointment. And thus, was disappointed.

I set myself up. It wasn't her. She didn't give me a real reason to put that much faith in her. But it's the chance I took.

So why am I still angry about it?

I think it has to do with the lesson I'm supposed to be not learning again. A friend told me today that it was God's way of making sure I learned the lesson. Well, if I'm pissed off about the situation, then maybe I haven't learned it yet.

It would be so easy to leave it there. There seems to be more to this. Sometimes I tend to project that, but I really believe in a reason for everything. It could be that I'm here to teach her a lesson, no?

Either way, it's what I'm feeling right now. Do I want her as my friend, in the true sense of the word? I remembered when I went through this with Ri and we turned out fine. Angela, too. I just sense that there's more between us that is worth waiting for. We click a little too well in certain ways. I like that I can read her, just like I did when we were passing by. I want it to work, I really do.

And I really do like her. I just don't know how much yet.