Can't Sleep

It's almost four in the morning.

I live in one of the greatest cities in the world and I'm home alone, wide-awake, on a Saturday night, in bed. Alone.

That's not the issue though. Tonight was actually more enjoyable than most. I think it's because I realized that I saved a few hundred dollars by not going out and getting drunk. I watched a few flicks, ate some cookies, and browsed the 'net.

This could all be a side-effect of being older. It probably is. Knowing that my night is better spent home alone rather than being out with people and getting wasted. Knowing that I'm being-- no, choosing to be more responsible with my life than in the past.

I did throw some things out. One of those things was my attachment to PG.

I have come to realize that I can no longer be afraid to let go. Especially when it comes to feelings that aren't based on anything tangible. Sure, the feelings are real. Were real. But they were never founded on anything solid.

Here's the truth: she never called. She never reciprocated. She never let me know that she was interested beyond being friends. And even then, she didn't do a good job of it either. I don't know how many times I asked her for a cup of coffee. Even one time I said it with more gravity (I wanted to tell her I was leaving.) She never replied. Even my last message to her, when I asked that we stop "fighting," she never replied.

Is that the kind of person I want in my life? Is that the kind of friend I want in my life?

No.

Not anymore.

So I have to let go. It's not that it's painful to do so. It's just that I don't like the idea of writing someone off. But I hate being lied to-- and she lied to me a lot. Excuse after excuse. About how she was too busy to call back, or how she didn't get my call/page. And I knew she was lying because she said it with a rushed indignation each time. That she was justified for not replying and that I should just accept it.

And I did try. I gave it my best. Boss was right-- I gave her too much attention.


(...)

This will eat at me for a while. Only because I know that I will play out every scenario of us working it out. And every possible "happy ending." I will hope for the best, as I always do. But the truth will show itself again: I loved someone who didn't love me back.

We did have that moment. Once. When we worked things out. But I don't know about this time. We've had quite a few stand-offs in the last year.

It's not fair. I didn't ask for this. To have this ability to care for women who don't ultimately deserve my capacity to love. I know the problem lies with me, with my power of choice.

I just have to get better at choosing.

I will go through a period of self-doubt. But this time I hope it will be short-lived.

I also wish I didn't have to let PG go. Underneath it all, she would still make a nice friend.

See, there I go again.

Ugh.