Limerence

I am miserable.

I've been having a bad week at work. Can't focus, concentrate, or sell.

But I know this feeling. I've been here before. Countless times.

I want (yet again) another woman I can't be with. And I've built up this unrealistic fantasy that I can have her.

The feeling is called limerence. I looked it up and found a pretty good explanation about what I'm going through (and have gone through) over the years.

Basically, it's something that manifests and hinges on the hope of romance, but intensifies based on hope and fear of rejection. The goal is reciprocity of feeling(s), but the condition continues because of a lack thereof. The balance between hope and fear of rejection keeps me constantly feeling "in love," for lack of better words.

As I read this article, I thought back to the many moments before. How I would replay little "moments" in my mind through my interactions with her, and how I've been looking into "hidden meanings" about those moments.

Now the key is that whether or not the feelings are mutual, the condition exists. Sometimes it does exist between the two people, but one party is usually more limerant than the other-- it would be safe to assume that this party has always been me.

It was true with PG. And B. And now The Boss.

There is a way out of this... To get over it. To realize that reciprocity may (or will) never, happen. And to forget about, "Well, maybe in the future," kind-of-crap. Let's face it: It's never worked out. In any case before, so why should it now?

Maybe The Boss does have feelings for me. Maybe all those moments are true. But reality says that we must continue to work together. And in order to do that, I have to get past this.

She's lucky. She has someone to help distract her.

I've been single this whole time. So I have to contend with myself.

And my heart has always won over my mind.

The good news is that I do eventually get over it. But this is the part of the crush that sucks.