Decisions Made And Not Made (Yet)

I didn't take the offer.

I had to give my answer Monday, and even in the wee moments between calling and leaving messages, I honestly thought I would decide to leave. I had another job offer 2 months ago, and even though I strongly thought I would take that job, when I spoke to their HR Director, my answer to decline was pure impulse. Like someone put the words in my mouth and spoke for me.

I thought it would be the same, but that I would impulsively accept.

Thankfully, the Store Director for this job understood, expressed her disappointment, and offered us to stay in touch. I just didn't feel right for leaving-- not now. Not when things are going so well.

So I'm happy. I get to continue to work in a great job, with great people, and I'm still doing great at what I do, so the possibility of making more money somewhere else isn't enough for me to pack up and leave. The whole time, I remembered a past conversation I had with The Boss. She told me about how you cannot forget about your "quality of life," even though another opportunity might provide you with more money.

It was cool to realize that my feelings for The Boss didn't really factor into the decision, either. It was truly about me and what I value at the present moment.

(...)

And speaking of The Boss, I've been thinking a lot about her this past week. She's been on vacation, and I've been doing my best to leave her be.

It's challenging because I've had some time to evaluate my feelings for her. Admittedly, things are fun right now, having this underlying sexual tension amidst the light flirting. Things came to a head this week when a mutual friend asked me why I haven't considered the two of us dating. I deflected by stating the obvious-- she's my superior; "not a good idea." Something about her "casual" question gave me the impression that the two of them have talked about it before. I called the friend a trouble-maker before sending her off, knowing the two of them may be getting together this week sometime. And I know she'll bring it up.

That doesn't do anything to help matters, though. While I would like to believe she's been thinking of me a little here and there, the reality may be that she's probably getting her brains banged out by someone right now-- someone who is definitely NOT me.

Okay, that's a little harsh. But I have to be realistic. She's told me before she's been seeing someone for the last two years, and she's "crazy" about him. And, realistically speaking, it's quite audacious for me to assume that anything we could have would be worth sacrificing our jobs for. It would be fun-- yes, but only as long as NO ONE FOUND OUT.

That being said, the right thing to do would be to shut up and take it like a man.

So, for the most part, I've been keeping quiet.

A friend gave me some sound advice: "Don't talk about it, and let it happen, if it's meant to be." It's such a passive thing, but under these circumstances, probably the best course of action.

(...I hate doing the right thing, sometimes. For once, I'd like to do the wrong thing and have it work out...)

I keep thinking about this quote I read some time ago: "When you die, God and the angels will hold you accountable for all the pleasures you were allowed in this life that you denied yourself."

Is that what I'm doing right now?

Where I Want To Be

I'm moving. Again.

But this time, it's back to the neighborhood where it all started for me 10 years ago.

Back then, I came to New York with only $300 in my pocket. I lived in a hostel on the Upper East Side (UES for those who don't know,) and stayed for two weeks, up until I landed a job as a barista and ended moving to Harlem.

Now, after about 2 months of craziness trying to find roommates to no avail, I looked on the internet for an apartment. I found a listing and put a deposit down on a place smaller than the room I'm currently in.

After a week of grueling paperwork, and a rather large check to secure my new "apartment," (if you call it that,) I picked up the keys to a place that landed me 6 blocks away from my sister. Sure, it's expensive, but the benefits are many.

For the first time in a rather long time, I'm where I want to be.

It's a small alcove studio. Humble. But it's all mine.

And the sort-of-sucky part is that I have to pay rent on my current apartment as well-- which isn't so bad, since that'll give me a month (now 23 days) to move out. Slowly.

I haven't been this broke since 10 years ago. But in a way I'm happy. No roommates, no leftover dishes to drive me crazy, and no one else to answer to in my new apartment. Just me.

Another added bonus: I'm also 6 blocks away from The Boss.

(...)

My crush on her hasn't been easy. I'm still rather quite taken by her. I saw her tonight at a going-away party for another colleague. I had barely enough money to get her, the colleague, and myself one drink each (I curse this city sometimes,) but it was worth it.

But somehow, I feel like total crap. I think part of it may be that I'm afraid someone at work might have picked up on my feelings for her.

(...)

The other side of it may be because I'm thinking about leaving.

So another interesting development: My old employer has been recruiting me. Mostly because of The Old Boss, who I think is still responsible for my leaving in the first place.

Long story short: Supposedly he's also responsible for guiding my old employer to ask me to come back. So they have. And I'm seriously considering the job. It will pay a lot more money because I'll be selling a better product and working with a more sophisticated clientèle.

But the fact remains-- I was denied this very job a year-and-a-half ago.

So I don't know what's going to be my next move. Do I give up a new family who has accepted me and provided many more opportunities and successes over the last 15 months? Or do I go back to my old family, who shunned me away when I asked for an opportunity 15 months ago? Granted, a lot of it will come down to money, but there's one little thing...

Will leaving give me a better chance having a personal relationship with The Boss?

The situation is tearing me apart at the seams. On one hand, I can't lose, professionally speaking. If I take the job, I make more money. If I don't, I still have a good job (which I'm doing VERY well at, at the present moment.) And I'll still get to see The Boss every day. And I'll be in her neighborhood, so there's still a good chance there.

But, like someone said to me tonight, "It's good to be wanted."


I wish I knew which situation would allow me to have my cake and eat it too.