Decisions Made And Not Made (Yet)

I didn't take the offer.

I had to give my answer Monday, and even in the wee moments between calling and leaving messages, I honestly thought I would decide to leave. I had another job offer 2 months ago, and even though I strongly thought I would take that job, when I spoke to their HR Director, my answer to decline was pure impulse. Like someone put the words in my mouth and spoke for me.

I thought it would be the same, but that I would impulsively accept.

Thankfully, the Store Director for this job understood, expressed her disappointment, and offered us to stay in touch. I just didn't feel right for leaving-- not now. Not when things are going so well.

So I'm happy. I get to continue to work in a great job, with great people, and I'm still doing great at what I do, so the possibility of making more money somewhere else isn't enough for me to pack up and leave. The whole time, I remembered a past conversation I had with The Boss. She told me about how you cannot forget about your "quality of life," even though another opportunity might provide you with more money.

It was cool to realize that my feelings for The Boss didn't really factor into the decision, either. It was truly about me and what I value at the present moment.

(...)

And speaking of The Boss, I've been thinking a lot about her this past week. She's been on vacation, and I've been doing my best to leave her be.

It's challenging because I've had some time to evaluate my feelings for her. Admittedly, things are fun right now, having this underlying sexual tension amidst the light flirting. Things came to a head this week when a mutual friend asked me why I haven't considered the two of us dating. I deflected by stating the obvious-- she's my superior; "not a good idea." Something about her "casual" question gave me the impression that the two of them have talked about it before. I called the friend a trouble-maker before sending her off, knowing the two of them may be getting together this week sometime. And I know she'll bring it up.

That doesn't do anything to help matters, though. While I would like to believe she's been thinking of me a little here and there, the reality may be that she's probably getting her brains banged out by someone right now-- someone who is definitely NOT me.

Okay, that's a little harsh. But I have to be realistic. She's told me before she's been seeing someone for the last two years, and she's "crazy" about him. And, realistically speaking, it's quite audacious for me to assume that anything we could have would be worth sacrificing our jobs for. It would be fun-- yes, but only as long as NO ONE FOUND OUT.

That being said, the right thing to do would be to shut up and take it like a man.

So, for the most part, I've been keeping quiet.

A friend gave me some sound advice: "Don't talk about it, and let it happen, if it's meant to be." It's such a passive thing, but under these circumstances, probably the best course of action.

(...I hate doing the right thing, sometimes. For once, I'd like to do the wrong thing and have it work out...)

I keep thinking about this quote I read some time ago: "When you die, God and the angels will hold you accountable for all the pleasures you were allowed in this life that you denied yourself."

Is that what I'm doing right now?