Not Looking

Well, here I am. Back at a familiar place.

The fight continues with my feelings for The Boss. The irony of this whole thing is that I know I can get over her. And will. Before her, there was PG. And before PG, there was B. And before B...

Well, let's just say this is the pattern my love life takes-- yearning for someone I can't have.

It's the same exact story: I like her, and we can't be together. And we haven't been together. Now I have to deal with these feelings I have, which are all based on a collection of moments I've chosen to see a certain way.

And the reason I still fight back is because this time I think it's different. I'm sure she does feel the same way, even though it's not enough to break through all the reasons why we can't pursue a relationship. She's my superior. And I don't want someone to lose their job because we made a "bad decision."

A part of me thinks the lesson I need to learn is to let go. To accept and move on. Two things I have been able to do, but not easily.

The other part of me wants to believe that the real lesson is to fight; to go up to her, damn the "rules," and tell her how I really feel about her. And see what happens.

Yet the other part of me foresees the consequences of that logic: I tell her, things get "weird," then one of us eventually goes. And let me tell you, it's not gonna be her. I wouldn't let that happen, especially since I'm the one with little to lose.

So I choose to try and accept that she is just another example of someone who I must get over and move on from. She's unique and beautiful, and stands out from all the other women before. And I'm crazy about her.

But I just don't know...

Which tells me that it's not time yet.

If life has taught me anything, it's that things fall into place when the time is right. That's why I even find myself working with her in the first place. I was patient, and just when I wasn't looking, this job called. And I knew I had to move.

Hmmmmm... Maybe that's what I need to remember. Not looking.

Hmmph. Easier said than done.