Am I Really That Wrong?

There's a line from one of my favorite songs:

"After all the crushes have faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong,
I'm jaded. I hate it."

Why am I so wrong about my love life? Why do we do that, anyway? I wonder if I should stop liking a girl when I realize I like her, because it's a sign that I'm liking the wrong person.

It's so confusing.

I'm just frustrated. I'm 26, alone, and haven't had any in, like, a year.

I don't want to be a 40-year-old virgin (or not have had any in so long it seems like I am one.)

What does that mean, that I'm getting in my way? Does it mean that I cockblock myself? Do I not try hard enough?

My friend Bri said that her first impression of me was that I was creepy, because I started calling her "sweetheart" without really knowing her. I wonder if I give off a weird vibe or something.

I like being alone, though I know there is a difference. I like being single. I like coming home alone and waking up by myself.

I have to be honest: I haven't ever really known what it's like to be in a relationship. I don't know what it's like to sleep with someone every night for a few years, or have a regular date to do anything.

But I don't think I'll need to worry about that. It's like that part of me's already taken care of, like I don't need any practice or anything.

Maybe I don't need any practice at all. Maybe it's just timing. I have to say about the girls I have been involved with, that it didn't seem like I was new at dating or sex, or anything like that. Maybe it's God's way of saving me all the trouble, stress, and heartache for no reason. Maybe I don't need anything like this right now.

Ah, who knows. I guess I want something to happen right now. But it doesn't feel like now is the time for anything in my life to be going that way, even in acting. It's like something has yet to happen to me before I'm ready for everything I always wanted.

I remember a tarot card reading I had 10 years ago. I had, like 11 of the 22 special cards, and the reader said that there was something big in my life that I had to either do or change before I could be truly happy.

But what?