Some Renewed Vigor

I gave my new online dating profile a face lift.

I had just thrown something up the other day to get it up and running. I didn't like what I wrote about myself. I sounded like such a pansy. I'm not all that "shy and brooding" either, I admitted after a little reflection. Also, I think the Meximo bit might get lost on some people.

So after a few hours of fumbling around with ways to sum up who I was, who I'm looking for, and my ultimate purpose for being here (to get dates!), I logged off pretty satisfied with a job well done. For now. I've never done so much editing for only a few simple paragraphs. I don't even really edit my blog. No, the natural flow of things permeates my desire to package everything nicely with a few deft Ctrl-X/V keystrokes. I think mostly because I just follow my thoughts here and write.

I had a tiny epiphany today, which occasionally happens when I'm in the midst of crushing on a girl (PG.) It all started with my desire to breathe life into my love-life... You know, I should put this much passion into acting as well. Hmmmm. There's a new thought. But it's true. I should. Maybe I'll be met with a better chance for success on both fronts. I decided that the waxing and waning of my feelings for a girl I haven't really dated probably means it won't work out, save a nice little affair. I thought back to all the other botched romances in my life. Yup, I thought, after a few painful shudders. Experience has given you a few road signs. You should be watching the road.

So I guess I just need to find a way to get over it. I wondered briefly if maybe my heart just likes being in this kind of limbo because it's something to do. That might be true. I tried to imagine what I was like a year ago, when I didn't desire to be with anyone. It was a simpler time. But I was freer.

PG and I had lunch today. We sat and shared a 3-cheese sandwich on 7-grain bread. After about 10 minutes, she got paged. She got off the phone, finished her last few bites and headed off. "It's my friend, Ricardo," she said, a little smile on her face. "Sorry so short, but I gotta go. Thanks for lunch." And with that, she walked upstairs.

It didn't really bother me until later. That's what got me started on this whole tangent. Sure, we might stand a chance of dating each other. But I'd have to share her with all these "guy friends," and I'm a little too experienced to know what that means. The whole thought process had a way of making me feel like a little puzzle piece in that Jenga game. And a little familiar feeling started to brew inside me. Wait... I've been here before. Why am I getting jealous? They're only her friends. We're not even dating!!! Why do I feel this way?

I have been here before. On both sides of the fence. I, myself, have a lot of girlfriends. A lot. I know what it is to have a lot of friends whom you have tiny, little crushes on. The dynamics of a boy-girl relationship is riddled with sexual tension, regardless of how you choose to act on it. It's why a lot of us become friends in the first place. Some of it is readily there, while other kinds are underlying. It's also why a lot of us end up losing friends. Fortunately for me, I haven't had too many in the latter. Unfortunately, it's taken the wind out of my sails when it comes to making bold moves with girls.

PG has a lot of guy friends. It's just the way it is. Some she would have been intimate with. A lot of others she hasn't. At least I think I know her well enough for this to be true. I later realized I was (yet again) being ridiculous, and let the whole thing go. But my little episode today made me realize how insecure I can be sometimes. And why it's important for me to start dating. Other people.

And quickly, too. I'll be logging on to see if my profile's made any new friends...