Don't Look Back In Anger

You should never go to bed drunk and angry. You get a 3:30am wake-up call when you least want or expect it. Now I'm up and have 4 hours until I have to get ready for work. I think I'll do some laundry and shopping.

I've been having a hard time getting over my feelings for PG. A lot of it has to do with the fact that we work together. We'd been talking a little bit here and there, but I've been making sure not to offer anything personal. She even brought up the fact that I renegged on the bet to quit smoking. I wondered why she even tried to find out. She offered that she broke the deal too, after going out last night after her mid-terms. I said nothing and just smiled.

Anyway, I'd been making sure to just be friendly around her and go about my business. I tried a suggestion from Angela to think little affirmations while I'd walk by her all day. I think it backfired because she snapped at me passing on the staircase. "Why do you keep looking at me like that?!?" Oops. Maybe I came off creepy instead of friendly. This was in front of a few people, so I said nothing and just kept walking on. I realized that I was embarrassed about it, so I left work rather quickly, hoping to avoid an confrontation. She's leaving to Florida today anyway, so that's better for me to have a few days to get over the whole thing.

It's a lost cause. For one, I'm beginning to realize that the best thing is to let sleeping dogs lie and forget trying to forge a friendship with her for now. Her little snap at me made me think of my time with Becca and how it didn't end well, and the last thing I need is for this to escalate into something involving people at work. I was pretty upset that she blew me off (again) last week, but I don't think PG will not try to understand where I'm coming from. I gave her enough chances. I tried to be a friend, even. She's going to continue being a bitch in self-defense instead of apologizing. She can and will try to use my feelings to her advantage, so I'd best lose them. Quickly.

Obviously I like her more than she likes me and I mistook her friendliness for affection. That I can take responsibility for. That I can do something about. I really don't have any room for people like her in my life right now. She's got too much going on and I don't think I want to be friends with a flake. It's okay. I did give things a fair shot. Maybe there will be something in the future. But not today.

I'm bitter about the whole thing because I'm disappointed and I can't seem to get her off my mind. The heart wants what it wants, though. I'm also upset at me because it's the same fucking story all over again. Each one of the women in my life are there with a friendship forged out of heartbreak and pain. It started out as something I wanted more than they did, then a fight to keep a friendship after that line was crossed. It's great that they're in my life, but it was such a hard path to take. I don't need to go through this right now, though I feel that we're heading in that direction.

And I'd been praying for a way to get over this, so maybe it's gonna have to be this way. So. Fucking. Hard. I can be sure that everything will work out fine. But I'm not sure I want to go through another roller-coaster ride. Again. I'll be thinking about how I can do things differently this time.