A Year From Now

My latest obsession: Sudoku.

I have a tendency of catching on to fads just after they've gone over big. It's just that I'd rather discover something on my own and choose to like it, rather than like it just because everyone else does.

So I've been spending a few of my idle moments using my clever powers of deduction and mental prowess to solve the puzzles that are Sudoku. It makes me feel smart knowing I can reason myself into figuring out where, why, or why not a "9" should go in a little square. I catch myself saying out loud, "Well, it can't go here or here, but over here..." I actually feel like my brain has started to replace a few of it's missing cells that were lost during "The Seven-Year Binge of '99."

Just a little something I'm doing to try and improve myself.

(...)

I wish I were smart enough to follow my own advice sometimes.

I shouldn't say smart enough. Maybe brave.

It has been almost a year since I've met PG and I can't seem to shake my fondness for her. Even though she's miserable about these two guys she is currently seeing. Her recent melancholy at work has been kind of a turn off for me, but I find myself still wanting to care. And that, in turn, is making me care.

We still go to lunch together. She still splits the bill with me. We're still making plans to hang out and grab coffee. And we're still making plans on doing something nice for each other's birthdays. Hers is this weekend; mine is past.

She is so blind about the fact that I still have a crush on her. She just thinks I'm making passes at her to be funny. And I am. Partially. And I don't know if the "feeling" I have that she likes me back (but doesn't know it yet,) is really just a fairy tale I'm telling myself just because I don't want to let go of an impression I had almost a year ago. Some days I really do believe that it's the truth-- other days I'm cynical and think I'm the one that's nuts.

I still don't think this is a good time to come clean. It would only get lost in the shuffle of her own turmoil. And I've listened to her problems; the shit she's going through right now is very typical of the kinds of things I went through a few years ago. It took me a few years to get my head out of that mess. If anything, all I learned is that you have to ask yourself in any given situation, Will all this really matter a year or two from now?

And that is what I'm asking myself now. The usual answer is always No.

But there is a small part of me that hopes for the Yes.

Even after all these years.