The Bubble Theory

It's like the two of us share a secret together. And the one thing that would ruin everything would be to talk about it.

Maybe this perception is only unique to me. Or it could be that she did have feelings for me at one time but things are different now. Perhaps she did have a crush on me like I her, only to resolve to move on for risk of losing her job.

And I never knew because she didn't tell me. Wouldn't. Could not, really.

What would be the point of that?

I feel myself making an effort to keep things moving forward. And I can see her affection toward me is more related to her style of managing. Fun and playful, but authoritative when she needs to be.

Here's my theory: There is a nice, little fantasy I've created for myself with this woman, encased in a delicate bubble. I make bubbles like this all the time, because they give me something to think about, to occupy my mind in the fantasy of love.

And the only thing to keep reality from destroying it is to keep things fun and playful. Professional, but fun and playful.

Which means never telling her how I feel about her. Never dropping hints. Never bringing this little crush up.

After all, this is probably why I even like this woman in the first place: My feelings for her aren't based on anything real. Tangible, yes. But not real.

(...)

I decided to be realistic about things related to love. In this case, I realize I've built this entire crush on a few moments I interpreted to be her making passes at me, rather than realize that she just behaves flirty like that-- it's all in my head.

Because, the reality of it is, if it were real, it's quite possible we would decide to not begin an affair at risk of losing a pretty good thing (like our jobs.)

Related to this are a lot of missing posts I never blogged. But the fact remains: It is not real.

(...)

And perhaps that is the purpose of this relationship. To help me stop behaving in this way. This is what I've done for so many years, with so many women. The last one was PG. And my current muse is not alone, I have quite a few of these bubbles going on.

(...)

Today was a pretty good example. I had lunch with another co-worker, one who's been really affectionate toward me. It seemed like she had been advancing on me since she started, despite her admission that she has been involved with a man for the last 4 years. A lot of this comes out in her being touchy-feely with me in passing.

So while we were having lunch today, I brought up how men and women make advances on me in my life-- this part is not made up, I swear. She said the same thing happens to her. "I think it's because I'm really friendly, I think," she said.

Her comment didn't really make sense right away. Then 10 minutes later, while we were sitting on the couch and talking, it sunk in. In those few words, she made sense, and I realized I was doing the same thing all over again.

I decidedly moved myself away from her about a few inches. And the little bubble I made up just for her went *pop* like that.

(...)

That being said, I don't think I want to break the bubble with my boss just yet.