Weighed, Measured, And Found Wanting

Today was review day at work. Not something I was looking forward to. Actually, the reviews were done a few weeks ago and now it was time for the managers to dole them out. I kept going through scenarios about how I would react based on the positive/negative points of the asessment. I rehearsed my surprised/angry/inquisitive looks (in my mind) for a few minutes.

Then I remembered something. I haven't been reviewed in almost 10 years. This was due to the fact that I worked for private bar owners who don't care about your "effectiveness" or "team-building skills." All they wanted was money in the register and happy customers.

Well, the review was hum-drum. I did well, according to my boss and my manager, who were both there. They kept congratulating me on how well of a job I was doing, though we lightly skipped over the more avarage parts of my evaluation. I kept a very normal face, to my surprise, and just smiled and nodded when appropriate. It's just a piece of paper, I kept telling myself. It means nothing more. Just get it done.

At the end of it all, I did ask about a raise. My manager seemed to proudly present me with a little scrap of paper, then proceeding to explain how the big corporate budget only allocates a certain... blah, blah, blah. It all translated into (drum roll...) fifty cents.

I was a little purturbed. For all the crap I put up with, fifty cents doesn't seem like a huge reward. Especally for someone who was recieving praises for being "so valuable to the company," et al. I pursued the issue, asking is there was a way for me to make more commission. Well, I'd have to take it up with the GM. Tomorrow.

Eh. I think I will. Maybe a fifty-grand raise would be nice, but not fifty cents. I should have had that after my first day of signing my life over to these people. They seem to forget that they need me more than I need them. Me, I could (and would) find another occupation in a heartbeat if I ever got fed up with what I'm doing. But I happen to like this job. And it pays the bills enough for me to only need a single job.

(...)

On the part of Wanting. PG and I are in this weird kind of uncomfortable groove right now. All the pleasantries of being co-workers, yet no flirting or little jokes or laughs like we used to. No lunches together. No chatting. It's like we've both backed off in a way. I sense something in her, a sadness. It might not have anything to do with me. I know that I want to clear the air with her, but I don't know if I'll get the chance now.

I'm not sure what I want from her right now. I have to keep reminding myself that she's got no room for someone like me.

I have been able to let things go a bit. Each day that I'm around her, the butterflies that were in my stomach have seemed to flown off somewhere else. I'm starting to look at her more like another person I just happen to know, rather than a girl I fancy. It's working. I just can't help but think there's something unrequited that needs to be put to rest. I want to tell her how I've felt about her. I just don't think this is the time or place for that now. Maybe never.

So there's where it is. Two more weeks. I'll be in Denver. Maybe I'll be over her by then.

It's sad, though. Sad because I've never really ended a friendship like this before. Sad because the hopeless romantic in me wants there to be a happy ending. I can tell she doesn't want this, either. But why can't she just tell me how she feels? Be pissed at me! Something! Anything! Don't just pretend like there isn't anything there.