Moving On

My last day will be Friday.

I accepted an offer today. It's not the one I was hoping for, but it's definitely a good one. There's no issue of a "transition period" because we're slow right now. My replacement will start Monday, no worries.

I'm not sure why Boss didn't really put up a fight this time. I seem to think he was trying to call my bluff to see if I was serious. He started making jokes, as he always does, about me leaving. I guess that's his way of saying goodbye.

I asked my GM not to make an announcement. Personal reasons, I guess. I'm uncomfortable with goodbyes, and I don't want Friday to be weird. She'll announce it Saturday, when I'm off. Plus I'm at ends with a few people right now and I think this would just be the best thing for everyone.

One of them is still PG. We're still not talking. Not looking. Not anything. I still catch her avoiding glances-- she catches mine. We've graduated into the gloss-over-walk-by kinds of passings now. I met eyes with her once, and we locked glances for a moment, but that was that.

What puzzles me is that I texted her last week for her to stop being upset and for us to stop fighting. I'm not surprised that she didn't respond. But I thought we would at least be talking by now.

But the more and more I went through the history of our friendship-- good, bad, and all in-between, it just sucks that we should end like this. We should be cracking jokes and sharing lunch for our last few days together. And it's more than that. I have never felt that I mattered that much to her, not since that first day we met.

And so, in a way, I'm fine we're not speaking. Until that changes, I'm not giving in anymore. I care for her, sure, but I'm done. Maybe a little separation will do us some good. I did everything, made every effort-- both times. That's enough. It's sad that I might have to let a friendship go because of this, but I think I'll be fine with it. It's the lesson that will be important this time.

I was taking the train with a new co-worker who just started and she asked me why I wasn't in a relationship at the moment. I replied that I realized where I went wrong in the past and I am now willing to change. And it's girls like PG and the way I've let them treat me that account for a lot of my misery over the last 10 years. I even saw a photo of another girl, KD, from my distant past. Same story. I liked them, they didn't like me back, and I kept trying until it hurt. Sometimes it hurt too much. And even when it hurt, I didn't stop trying. I went too far sometimes.

It's the process of moving on that I need to improve upon. I have moved on from these women. Eventually. But I'm getting the hang of things. I have to be a little more guarded next time. And I can't keep expecting friendship to turn into romance.


So, two more days. And then a little vacay before I start my new job. Perhaps Offer #3 will call. We'll see. Fingers crossed.

Relaxing For A Change

My growing love for cooking has been good for doing something constructive with my time. It has been more of a stress-reliever lately (a double benefit considering I get to eat the proceeds,) versus doing something out of necessity. Yesterday I made baked mac 'n cheese and caught up with a few movies. Tonight, I couldn't wait to get home and make some lemon peppered chicken with potato-- a feat that will prepare my lunches for the next week.

I wondered if my recent culinary foray has made me a little more wussy. Then I remembered that most of the world's most celebrated chefs are men. I felt a little better. Whew! My masculinity is still intact. What a relief! And it's a plus, I guess, if I ever find myself on a "cooking date" scenario.

Besides, my favorite pastime- driving- is not always available to me. The most driving I did today was finding a parking spot, a task that isn't very relaxing after all. Plus it's only enjoyable when there's no snow on the ground.

I need every opportunity to relax at the moment. I'm still waiting for Offer #3 to come through. And I need to give Offers #1 & 2 an answer this week. That will hopefully buy me a few more weeks until I can know for sure.

But now the thing I'm working out is a back-up plan. Would Offer #1 or Offer #2 be better? One involves me leaving my location, the other doesn't. Frankly, I don't know right now. I'm trying to work out the figures and it seems like a dead heat-- the real dilemma is working out the "political" advantages.

I guess it's enough to make me wanna... put something in the oven.

At least working off stress this way smells delicious.

Playing Hookey

Great.

I'm with the flu (sort-of) and have been holed up for the last two days. The cold medicine I took to put me to bed somehow made me wake up after an hour of sleep. And so here I am, wide-awake, surfing and blogging until I go to sleep.

I called out of work the last two days hoping to get a quick recovery, but I still haven't shaken this stupid cold. Nor has the blemish on the MIDDLE OF MY NOSE decided to go away yet. How embarrassing.

Research of the last few days has lead to a few important questions I thought I would share:

1.) When did Claire Danes get so hot? I came across a photo of her in New York Magazine the other day, and-- holy fuck! I couldn't stop staring. I just couldn't.

2.) And the same with Christina Ricci. When did she get so hot as well? What hole have I been hiding in the last few years? All I know is that I'm going to see Black Snake Moan when it comes out. Hell. Yes.

3.) How exactly will Sun-Tzu's The Art Of War help me become successful in a sales world? I can't exactly envision my co-workers as "the enemy," and I can't really see myself crushing them into oblivion. And I'm not sure chariots and soldiers will be necessary for dominating Madison Avenue.

4.) How many axioms of Robert Greene's 48 Laws Of Power has Boss mastered? Jesus. Maybe that's why I sometimes get mad with him. 'Cause he seems to get the better of me EVERY TIME. Fuck. I could swear that he's got that book memorized to the T. The T.

These are the questions that have been on my mind the last few days. Important, yes, I know.

Caught up with Nicole earlier today. These days find her with a new job and a pretty good relationship, though she confessed that her mind has been "wandering" lately. Same old Nicole. Not unlike a wild stallion. I guess it was a good thing I didn't end up with her after all.

(...)

I was thinking about the meanings of my recent observations of body language. How, in one instance last week, PG purposely turned away from me as I approached a table she was nearby. It was like she did it so I would notice. It's funny how that moment sticks out in my mind, because it was purposeful. Deliberate. It's just fascinating to me. Not because of the whole PG thing, but because I'm interested as to what that one motion means. And how my on-going interest in body language relates to this.

Okay. I think I'm ready for bed now.

Opportunity Knocked Today

I met with the third prospect today.

For starters, he's someone I respect and admire. We've known each other for almost 9 years, and though we didn't work together all nine of them, I've always held him in a high regard.

Our meeting today was good. Relaxed. Easy. It wasn't really an interview. He told me what the project was: a new product line. As we talked and shot questions and answers back and forth, something inside me told me that this is the opportunity I was waiting for. In fact, it would all be easy for me-- training, clients, etc. It wasn't even about money, though it seems that it might be even more than I could expect to make my first year at my other prospects.

"I want you to work for me," he said flatly. Yes, I accept, I said in my head. But there was no offer. No contract. I can't move just yet. He thinks I've got the talent he needs for his venture. I want to be a part of this. But I don't have an offer. Yet. And it behooves me to be wise in this matter, especially with an unknown venture like this one.

We talked some more. I noticed that I was mirroring his movements and gestures, down to the nervous shake in my hands. I started saying "We," as if I had already accepted the position and was on-board.

I checked the time. I decided to meet him before work, so that I would avoid suspicion and not have to use a "doctor's appointment" excuse. But I had also run 15 minutes over and was now running late. So I thanked him, and we walked to the elevator. "You know," he said just as the doors were opening, "I wish I could choke you right now, telling you that this is the job you need to take." He mimed a little "choke" around my neck as we nervously laughed. I thanked him again, shook his hand, and hurried off to work.

I was tittering with excitement in the cab ride over. I've been in this situation before. I've opened quite a few new businesses and am familiar with the prospective ups and downs. This was very exciting to me. But even more so was the realization that things have worked out in this way. That, in spite of me seeking work elsewhere, was the one opportunity that sought me.

The more I think about it in this perspective, the more it seems clear what I should do. And it also gives me hope for the other areas of my life where things seems darker. I wonder how things will unfold in the next few weeks?

What The Matter Is, Anyway

"I think you gave her too much attention."

This was Boss' assessment as to why PG and I aren't speaking. I generally trust his insight in moments like this because he's good at finding things out, most often for his own reasons. I didn't even ask him about it, but I figured he would catch on sooner or later and approach me.

We were at a bar last night, work friends and all, celebrating a going-away for two of our managers. Boss had come up to me after observing PG chattering on the other side of the room. His observation confirmed that there is something wrong. His advice was simple and something I like: Just ignore her. She'll come around.

Still, the whole matter puts a bad taste in my mouth. I'm curious as to why, after almost 2 years, is she now deciding to be all bitch about things. It's not like I wasn't obvious (and yet subtle) about my feelings for her. After the incident on my birthday, her birthday, then all the moments after that, I'm puzzled as to why it's becoming an issue now. We were fine in our friendship up to about last week. Lunch every day and everything (though lately it's been just sharing lunch and not eating together.)

Something like this happened almost 10 years ago. It didn't end well for me. It was mostly because I kept pursuing and trying to "fix" things. And it's not even funny how parallel this situation is starting to feel to the past. History is repeating itself. And though I won't elaborate on the past, there's also a girlfriend of hers I like and one I don't. I don't do well with trifectas, so I should just back off this time.

A moment of self-examination-- what should have I done differently?

(...)

I knew what would follow if I decided to stay: we would proceed to get a little too drunk, thus prompting the few of us left standing to drink some more. I would awake in my own bed, alone, and feeling quite worthless today with a $200 hole in my pocket. And to be quite honest, I'm not ready for another unnecessary shortage of cash on account of my drinking habits.

So I decided to leave. Being the fact the we practically ignored each other the whole night anyway, there was no real reason to stay. Besides, I got what I came for anyway-- five minutes with the parting manager who wants to interview me for what could be my next career move.

As I left, Boss called out to me, standing in front of PG and a few others. I quickly waved and kept walking-- a bit dramatic, I know, but I'm one for dramatic exits after all. Gives people something to talk about.

There's always Monday.

Changes Coming

It seems that my prediction of changes to come is starting to materialize.

For one, it seems that there are more than two options for me to make my "move," as posted earlier. At first, I had only one prospect to move on to; now I have four.

It's exciting, but nothing's really been offered yet. No solid offers yet. Just interviews.

That's why I can't jump the gun, because there's nothing on paper. But I'm about to do something I've never done before-- I am going to consider all options first, then make a decision.

I need to learn this skill, mostly because my life at this point has been one succession after another, without any real fork in the road, so to speak. It's a very exciting time right now, because things are looking up-- really up.

To talk about PG for a minute. I can't figure out why we're not speaking. I think she's upset with me, but I don't know why. She's done a good job of not acknowledging me all week. I'm choosing to do something different in this case as well-- I'm not gonna press the issue. She can come to me for a change.

Same thing with this new girl at work, JB. She's gorgeous. Sexy. Smart. Sensual. A little young, but the kind of young you can make an exception for. She's been flirting with me since Day One (about three weeks ago,) but I've been giving it right back to her. And she's trying to break me, too. Today she hollered at me, "Do you have a crush on me?" I scoffed, only because it was cute. "No," I said, then walked away smiling. But I do like her. People think she looks like B. I just like her because she's all those things I said earlier. And playful. And I want that in a woman. I want someone to have fun with, even if it's passing glances back and forth.

So I'll play the game for a bit. She just wants a lot of attention right now. But I think she also is interested in me.

So PG can wait. We're not talking, and to be quite frank, that's all right with me. One less thing I need to worry about.

Drunken-Posting... (Yikes.)

Okay, I'm a sappy-sap.

Geez! That's what happens with champagne. It goes straight to your head.

While I won't retract my last post, I will say that (for a change) it was better than the usual drunk-dialing that would commence after 10 drinks. I'm not proud of what I wrote last night. I shouldn't have been so knife-in-heart about things, though. In all reality, I haven't done anything to foster a romantic connection between PG and I in a very long time. So I shouldn't be surprised.

But, there's something to be said about a self-placed pity-party. And I guess it was one of those moments of emotional relapse I allow myself every once in a while.

Right. So. Time to get on with things.

And go to work.

Chess Game

PG hasn't talked to me all week.

It's been passing glances in the hallways. I haven't said anything to her-- it's her game. Her rules. I dare not break conduct and try and talk to her first.

After the first few hours I began to get the sense that she wasn't talking to me because she thinks it's my move. I got this idea after we passed glances in the shoe room yesterday. It was simple-- we walked toward each other, she looked at me, I looked at her-- we walked by each other, and we walked on. No passing glances back. No interim glances. Just that simple.

The other day, in the middle of an after-work meeting, she was venting about her personal problems. The most I could get from it was that she broke up with her boyfriend of 7 months. The reason she was making a big deal about it was that he was a boyfriend of more than 1 month, and that she "gave it her all." I ignored her (and have been for the whole week,) but, honestly, enough to where I've involuntarily heard all of this.

The real question is whether or not I still love her.


I do.


But why?

Today I saw her. I wondered if she would have a special card for me. I passed her in the room. Nothing. Then I came back 5 minutes later. There was a little card from her. "Fuck," I thought to myself. I love this girl, but I really had to top her...

So I went outside. In freezing weather. To get her the most favorite cupcake she likes. And an apricot tarte. But all of this because I have feelings. For her. I love her.


And I love her still.


Still...


I do not know the answer to that question. All I know is (I think) I still love her. Truly. Madly. Deeply. I can look at her and fall in love. All over again. And every time. I want to understand. But I don't. I want her. All over again... With. All. My. Heart.

But it's a continual game of chess. Who makes the next move? Do I buy her lunch tomorrow (no!)... But does she? Will she want to? Will she anyway?

Does she recognize that I'm waiting for her? In every way? In every moment? In every possibility of embrace?

Too poetic. Too stoic. Too artsy-fartsy for now. Now I sleep. Anew. Awakened...

Adieu!

Valentines-Schmalentines!

My distaste for tomorrow and all things Valentine has reached new lows. I will even temporarily suspend my love for chocolate for one day, just because I've come to hate the holiday so much.

It didn't used to be so. 10 years ago this was my favorite holiday. I even ranked this holiday higher than Christmas (that's right-- the holiday where you actually get presents.) Yes, I used to be one of those poor saps making cards (making them!) and handing them out to all my "loves" just to be a sweet guy for one day. Just to get a few more kisses.

I remember there was one year I made almost 150 Valentines for all the girls in school. And I think there were only two of the last 27 years of my life where I've even had a Valentine!

Phooey! I'm done with this stupid holiday. It isn't even a "real" holiday, right? (Isn't that what every one else in the world thinks?)

The Principle Of Things

The anticipation is killing me!

I'm a few days away from an interview (this Wednesday,) and I'm already ready to leave. I haven't even landed the job, much less gone to the "audition," and I want to get the hell outta there.

I'm getting Two-Weeks-Notice-Syndrome, that all-too common disease that plagues us when we know we're leaving a job. You just stop caring about doing your job 100% because you're outta there in a matter of days/weeks.

I started noticing the other day. I'm becoming more complacent at work. I've started to allow myself to get distracted. Letting things slip. It's too early to know, yet I think I'm ready to call it quits.

Truth is, I do care. I have to do my best to fight this because nothing has been offered or guaranteed yet. I don't even know if I'll accept this position.

I don't think that's the only thing bothering me lately. Something else that's been getting on my nerves is the fact that B has been in contact with her ex-- the very same guy that almost cost us our friendship. 10 months ago it was all about how he was such an asshole, blah, blah, blah... And their break-up made conflict with our friendship, all because of which "side" I was on.

Now, all of a sudden, they're talking regularly. They're hiding behind the premise of "working together," because they really don't have to communicate with each other outside of a professional e-mail. And today I was asked by him to bring her $40.00 because he owed her money for gloves that she bought for him the other day.

Gloves? I have a big problem with this. I'll just get down to the point-- this was a guy who supposedly cheated on her, caused her a lot of hurt, and caused me a lot of hurt in the process, and she's going to go out of her way to do him a favor. What's the big deal?, you may ask. She has no business doing something like this! Mind you, she's supposed to be "done" with him, she has a new boyfriend, and we all "work" together. But this is really about her wanting to do this. To me, this means that she's willing to take him back. It might not make any sense, but it's one of those give-them-an-inch kinds of things.

The other thing is that if they do get back together, even for a minute, then it means that he wins. He's the asshole, he did the deed, and he still gets the girl.

And I think it's that part of the story that hurts someone like me. I wouldn't ever hurt a woman in that way. I've made my (somewhat smaller) mistakes with women, and they've always made it a point to make sure I know that I've scorned them. I've always had to pay. But guys like him, they always get off scott-free.

So in a round-about way, I'm upset with doing this "favor" for them even though it has nothing at all to do with me, except for something that I tend to believe in. And I'm upset with it because of principle.

Which is something I've noticed that sets me apart from a lot of people. My principles. It's a trait that I always knew was there, but I didn't realize that it was such a large part of my life. Principle shapes a lot of my beliefs because it means that some things aren't always so black-and-white for me, while others are very matter-of-factly. It's what tends to give me a little insight into people's true intentions, the results of which I tend to find distasteful (as explained above.)

I'm no angel myself, but it's situations like these that tend to undo the very fabric of my calm, little center. I almost found myself seeing red today!


And, speaking of principle, promotion or not, I need to get my own ass in gear and stop slacking off. I will finish this job with flying colors! For the sake of doing a good job, if nothing else.

Making My Move

So it's come down to this: It's time for me to move on from my current position.

There's nowhere else for me to go, just up. I guess that wouldn't be such a bad thing for most people and most situations, but I was kind of hoping I would be able to make more money doing what I'm currently doing. I can't, it turns out. I've "maxed out" my position and pay scale. So I've no choice but to get promoted.

Oh. Dear me. I have to get promoted. Woe is me.

It took a minute to marinate over the weekend. The more I thought about it, the more I decided it would be a better thing in the long run. Truthfully speaking, I need a change of pace, and this might just be the change I was looking for.

The promotion will be into sales. And it will be within the same company, just a different division. According to my superiors, given the training I've had the last 2 1/2 years will enable me to "kick ass" in this new position. So I'll step out from being an assistant into being my own boss, relatively speaking.

I can't get my hopes up just yet. I'll have to interview with the GM of the other store. Hopefully soon. I think there's a pretty good chance I'll get the job. I'm thinking that realistically I'll be moved right around the end of March. So by my count that gives me about 8 weeks to fine-tune my skills before leaving.

I'm excited, because it gives me something to look forward to. I wish it could happen sooner than later, but I'm all right with waiting because I can get some vacay out of the way before the transition.

I think my boss is really gonna miss me. He keeps asking me every other day if I'm sure I want to do this. Ironically, it was his idea for me to take this very position, which we talked about a year ago to the day. I think maybe he figured I would be around for a bit longer. I'm sure I'll get harassed a little more about it before the day comes.

It's time, though. I'm ready to spread my own wings.