Decisions Made And Not Made (Yet)

I didn't take the offer.

I had to give my answer Monday, and even in the wee moments between calling and leaving messages, I honestly thought I would decide to leave. I had another job offer 2 months ago, and even though I strongly thought I would take that job, when I spoke to their HR Director, my answer to decline was pure impulse. Like someone put the words in my mouth and spoke for me.

I thought it would be the same, but that I would impulsively accept.

Thankfully, the Store Director for this job understood, expressed her disappointment, and offered us to stay in touch. I just didn't feel right for leaving-- not now. Not when things are going so well.

So I'm happy. I get to continue to work in a great job, with great people, and I'm still doing great at what I do, so the possibility of making more money somewhere else isn't enough for me to pack up and leave. The whole time, I remembered a past conversation I had with The Boss. She told me about how you cannot forget about your "quality of life," even though another opportunity might provide you with more money.

It was cool to realize that my feelings for The Boss didn't really factor into the decision, either. It was truly about me and what I value at the present moment.

(...)

And speaking of The Boss, I've been thinking a lot about her this past week. She's been on vacation, and I've been doing my best to leave her be.

It's challenging because I've had some time to evaluate my feelings for her. Admittedly, things are fun right now, having this underlying sexual tension amidst the light flirting. Things came to a head this week when a mutual friend asked me why I haven't considered the two of us dating. I deflected by stating the obvious-- she's my superior; "not a good idea." Something about her "casual" question gave me the impression that the two of them have talked about it before. I called the friend a trouble-maker before sending her off, knowing the two of them may be getting together this week sometime. And I know she'll bring it up.

That doesn't do anything to help matters, though. While I would like to believe she's been thinking of me a little here and there, the reality may be that she's probably getting her brains banged out by someone right now-- someone who is definitely NOT me.

Okay, that's a little harsh. But I have to be realistic. She's told me before she's been seeing someone for the last two years, and she's "crazy" about him. And, realistically speaking, it's quite audacious for me to assume that anything we could have would be worth sacrificing our jobs for. It would be fun-- yes, but only as long as NO ONE FOUND OUT.

That being said, the right thing to do would be to shut up and take it like a man.

So, for the most part, I've been keeping quiet.

A friend gave me some sound advice: "Don't talk about it, and let it happen, if it's meant to be." It's such a passive thing, but under these circumstances, probably the best course of action.

(...I hate doing the right thing, sometimes. For once, I'd like to do the wrong thing and have it work out...)

I keep thinking about this quote I read some time ago: "When you die, God and the angels will hold you accountable for all the pleasures you were allowed in this life that you denied yourself."

Is that what I'm doing right now?

Where I Want To Be

I'm moving. Again.

But this time, it's back to the neighborhood where it all started for me 10 years ago.

Back then, I came to New York with only $300 in my pocket. I lived in a hostel on the Upper East Side (UES for those who don't know,) and stayed for two weeks, up until I landed a job as a barista and ended moving to Harlem.

Now, after about 2 months of craziness trying to find roommates to no avail, I looked on the internet for an apartment. I found a listing and put a deposit down on a place smaller than the room I'm currently in.

After a week of grueling paperwork, and a rather large check to secure my new "apartment," (if you call it that,) I picked up the keys to a place that landed me 6 blocks away from my sister. Sure, it's expensive, but the benefits are many.

For the first time in a rather long time, I'm where I want to be.

It's a small alcove studio. Humble. But it's all mine.

And the sort-of-sucky part is that I have to pay rent on my current apartment as well-- which isn't so bad, since that'll give me a month (now 23 days) to move out. Slowly.

I haven't been this broke since 10 years ago. But in a way I'm happy. No roommates, no leftover dishes to drive me crazy, and no one else to answer to in my new apartment. Just me.

Another added bonus: I'm also 6 blocks away from The Boss.

(...)

My crush on her hasn't been easy. I'm still rather quite taken by her. I saw her tonight at a going-away party for another colleague. I had barely enough money to get her, the colleague, and myself one drink each (I curse this city sometimes,) but it was worth it.

But somehow, I feel like total crap. I think part of it may be that I'm afraid someone at work might have picked up on my feelings for her.

(...)

The other side of it may be because I'm thinking about leaving.

So another interesting development: My old employer has been recruiting me. Mostly because of The Old Boss, who I think is still responsible for my leaving in the first place.

Long story short: Supposedly he's also responsible for guiding my old employer to ask me to come back. So they have. And I'm seriously considering the job. It will pay a lot more money because I'll be selling a better product and working with a more sophisticated clientèle.

But the fact remains-- I was denied this very job a year-and-a-half ago.

So I don't know what's going to be my next move. Do I give up a new family who has accepted me and provided many more opportunities and successes over the last 15 months? Or do I go back to my old family, who shunned me away when I asked for an opportunity 15 months ago? Granted, a lot of it will come down to money, but there's one little thing...

Will leaving give me a better chance having a personal relationship with The Boss?

The situation is tearing me apart at the seams. On one hand, I can't lose, professionally speaking. If I take the job, I make more money. If I don't, I still have a good job (which I'm doing VERY well at, at the present moment.) And I'll still get to see The Boss every day. And I'll be in her neighborhood, so there's still a good chance there.

But, like someone said to me tonight, "It's good to be wanted."


I wish I knew which situation would allow me to have my cake and eat it too.

Limerence

I am miserable.

I've been having a bad week at work. Can't focus, concentrate, or sell.

But I know this feeling. I've been here before. Countless times.

I want (yet again) another woman I can't be with. And I've built up this unrealistic fantasy that I can have her.

The feeling is called limerence. I looked it up and found a pretty good explanation about what I'm going through (and have gone through) over the years.

Basically, it's something that manifests and hinges on the hope of romance, but intensifies based on hope and fear of rejection. The goal is reciprocity of feeling(s), but the condition continues because of a lack thereof. The balance between hope and fear of rejection keeps me constantly feeling "in love," for lack of better words.

As I read this article, I thought back to the many moments before. How I would replay little "moments" in my mind through my interactions with her, and how I've been looking into "hidden meanings" about those moments.

Now the key is that whether or not the feelings are mutual, the condition exists. Sometimes it does exist between the two people, but one party is usually more limerant than the other-- it would be safe to assume that this party has always been me.

It was true with PG. And B. And now The Boss.

There is a way out of this... To get over it. To realize that reciprocity may (or will) never, happen. And to forget about, "Well, maybe in the future," kind-of-crap. Let's face it: It's never worked out. In any case before, so why should it now?

Maybe The Boss does have feelings for me. Maybe all those moments are true. But reality says that we must continue to work together. And in order to do that, I have to get past this.

She's lucky. She has someone to help distract her.

I've been single this whole time. So I have to contend with myself.

And my heart has always won over my mind.

The good news is that I do eventually get over it. But this is the part of the crush that sucks.

Not Looking

Well, here I am. Back at a familiar place.

The fight continues with my feelings for The Boss. The irony of this whole thing is that I know I can get over her. And will. Before her, there was PG. And before PG, there was B. And before B...

Well, let's just say this is the pattern my love life takes-- yearning for someone I can't have.

It's the same exact story: I like her, and we can't be together. And we haven't been together. Now I have to deal with these feelings I have, which are all based on a collection of moments I've chosen to see a certain way.

And the reason I still fight back is because this time I think it's different. I'm sure she does feel the same way, even though it's not enough to break through all the reasons why we can't pursue a relationship. She's my superior. And I don't want someone to lose their job because we made a "bad decision."

A part of me thinks the lesson I need to learn is to let go. To accept and move on. Two things I have been able to do, but not easily.

The other part of me wants to believe that the real lesson is to fight; to go up to her, damn the "rules," and tell her how I really feel about her. And see what happens.

Yet the other part of me foresees the consequences of that logic: I tell her, things get "weird," then one of us eventually goes. And let me tell you, it's not gonna be her. I wouldn't let that happen, especially since I'm the one with little to lose.

So I choose to try and accept that she is just another example of someone who I must get over and move on from. She's unique and beautiful, and stands out from all the other women before. And I'm crazy about her.

But I just don't know...

Which tells me that it's not time yet.

If life has taught me anything, it's that things fall into place when the time is right. That's why I even find myself working with her in the first place. I was patient, and just when I wasn't looking, this job called. And I knew I had to move.

Hmmmmm... Maybe that's what I need to remember. Not looking.

Hmmph. Easier said than done.

She Wants Me

She came on to me.

Last night, I invited The Boss to grab a drink with me and our friend from work. She had plans that fell through, so I thought she would like to join us for a bit.

I kept bringing her wine, with no pretenses (okay, maybe a little.) We talked about work, who's fucking who at work, and other things about work.

Then it happened.

I went to grab her another drink, and she said, "I love you more than I should." Later, in between one of the rounds, I leaned over and she kissed me. Then it happened again. It was *soooo* good. Later, I was sharing more about me vs. women, and how hard it is to date in New York. She started, "But you're so... sexual...," while she put her hand on my thigh. Yes! She definitely wants me.

It was innocent enough. We held hands, kissed a little bit more, then I put her in a cab. I wanted to go home with her. It was probably my chance to. And she was giving me all the signals-- especially suggesting that I was "doing something" to her, by her body language. But it was not a good idea. And it was enough that her feelings for me came out.

I called to make sure she was home. Then I went to another bar before going home.

In the morning, she called. It took a little bit to get it out of her, but she was worried that our friend from work saw something-- which he didn't because he went home before anything happened. It was the Damage Control Conversation. She asked if she was a jerk last night. Did she make out with me? Did she say anything inappropriate? She apologized profusely.

Then she told me about a guy she's been seeing for the last two years, someone she's "ga-ga" over. It was the usual-- "He's an asshole, but I LOVE him, and if work found out, then he would find out..." I could tell that she was hiding something, something more about her feelings for me. I didn't want to give up my feelings for her because, well, then it would get weird, and weird is something I don't need.

But last night was what I hope to be the start of something really, really good. And secret.

The Dominatrix

So she DID come in again today...

And was wearing this top which made her cleavage unbelievable. But she also brought this latex, studded blouson which really garnered the attention while she tried on the shoes we looked at yesterday. All I can say is that people started calling her "The Dominatrix."

All my colleagues were looking. Even The Boss came down for a gander. It was obvious she was interested in what was going on, because not only was she down by me, looking on for about 15 minutes with her assistant, her comment in the back went something like, "I don't think I could even compete with that!" It kind of affirmed my feelings about her and how I think she has a secret crush on me. (Yes!)

A few of them joked I would be on the receiving end of some serious S&M. The Boss came to my rescue and said if it came down to it, she'd vote for me being able to handle myself. That was cute. And flattering considering she probably visualized me getting punished sexually.

Anyway, back to The Dx. The tension was still there, but it was replaced with a little aloofness. We spent the better part of an hour looking at a few more shoe models. Then she had to leave suddenly.

All my work-mates were making passing comments, threatening to hurt me if I didn't get her number. And so I did. And I ended up giving her my cell (again) which she called later in the evening. She decided to put everything on hold (again!) and will be deciding tomorrow. I made a play and told her The Boss said I was in trouble for holding sale merchandise, and she called me back. We chatted for a minute, and then I told her I had to go because I was half-naked and getting dressed.

She then told me I was cute and said she would love to be my first client whom I go out with.

But we had to leave it off there because she was out with a "business partner" and I had to finish up for the night.

So here I am, stuck with a bunch of merchandise on hold and a possible date with a wild dominatrix...

???

Truth be told, my guess is that she just likes to dress up and isn't into the hardcore S&M stuff. But you never know, I guess. After all, this is New York...

Did I Mess Things Up?

One thing I dislike about meeting women at work is I get too flustered.

My last client today was an attractive, slim, strawberry-blonde, with a killer body and a cute personality. At first our flirting was purely superficial-- winks here and there, the extra long glance into each others' eyes. But then our light conversation started to turn when she started to make inferences about me. She sensed that I had a hobby outside of work, which I told her about my photography. I was really impressed with her intuitiveness.

Things were wrapping up at work and I had plans. And she kept browsing. I really wanted to stay with her and flirt more, but I needed to meet this friend of mine for coffee. I kept things light and walked her to the door.

Then she asked if I would be leaving because she wanted to walk with me. I told her I needed to do some work. My instinct told me I should wait with her, so I wrote my phone number on my business card and told her I would see her tomorrow.

So why am I kicking myself right now?

I think a large part of this is due to the sexual tension I was getting from her. I could tell she was interested by our conversation, but it was too much for me to process at the moment.

I admit, I got flustered and confused. I haven't been hit on like that in a long time, so I didn't know how to handle myself.

Fuck!

I guess we'll see what unfolds tomorrow...

Oh, But The Drama!

It turns out that The Intern had a date with someone else from work, but apparently ditched him to hang out with me.

This came to light after a very confusing series of interrogations by said ditched party. He pulled me aside to want to talk to me about something. I thought it may have been because I invited too many people to go out for our get together tomorrow evening.

"So, what I want to know is," he started, "is what you said to her to make her leave with you last night?"

Imagine the rather confused look on my face. It took a good five minutes to realize he was talking about The Intern. How the fuck did he know we went out last night, I kept thinking to myself. And what about the other girl he's dating at work? He came up to me a few times after, seeming to accuse me of doing something underhanded. I told him the truth: She was waiting for a minute, then we walked toward the train, then she decided she wanted to hang out with me. So we went out. End of story.

It took a couple of hours before I could finally put together this little confusing puzzle together, albeit me being a little hungover from last night. Explaining everything to my sister put things into perspective.

"He thought that maybe you told him about his girlfriend, that's why he asked you that first question," she said rather wisely. It all made sense after that. He thought I convinced her to ditch him because he had a girlfriend, and so he was pissed and trying to tie up loose ends. "You know, cheaters have that mentality," she continued. "He was guilty so he was trying to blame you for everything, even though you didn't know about any of it." That's why I was so confused.

"And you're not that kind of a person to be dishonest, so you don't think that way." That was a nice thing for her to say, even though she's my sister.

Earlier tonight I sent The Intern a few texts, saying I had fun and we should hang out again. "If you had a good time with her, don't let his bullshit get in your way," my sister advised. "Sometimes good relationships come from bad ones, you know." She then advised me that next time we go out, I should explain to her to be upfront and put this behind us, so it will be a dead issue.

Damn, my sister rocks! The Intern replied that she had a good time, too, and apologized for the mess. I told her no worries, and we should do it again soon. And for her to call me.

I don't know if we'll see each other again, but here's what I learned about myself last night: For the first time, I felt pretty good about dating someone. Like I said before: no pretenses, no expectations. The unexpected helped open me up to behave more like, well... me. And I did feel more like myself than I usually do on dates. I was funny. Charming. Easy-going. Things went great.

I hope this means I am ready to start dating. To have fun.

And the cool thing is, some family friends want to set me up with another girl, one who works near my job. I told them I would be open to meeting this girl sometime soon. So we'll see what happens from here.

Date With An Intern

So last night while leaving work, I found an intern waiting outside the entrance. I went over to casually chat with her before heading to the train. We started walking in a general direction, me thinking about heading home to bed after the beating I took today with customers, then she said, "Okay. Where are we going?"

I thought it was pretty smooth, especially coming from someone younger than me. We settled on some sushi, then went to my friend's restaurant for a glass of wine.

The whole time we caught up on little nothings, mostly because I only worked with her a few days during her internship-- one which just ended two weeks ago. I liked the fact our date was so casual and laid back. A lot of laughing and making fun of each other. And I thought it was neat that I didn't worry about the fact she was a bit younger than me-- about 9 years.

It was nice meeting a normal girl, going out on a normal date, and doing normal date stuff like holding hands, which we did a little last night. No pretenses. No expectations. Just having a ball.

We hopped over to Grand Central, missed her train, then went to another friend's bar for a quick cocktail. Then we went to Grand Central (again), missed the next train, then went for some Wendy's. By the time we made her train going upstate, it was 1am, and it the wine and sake was starting to kick in. I hailed another cab and went home, just feeling fun and buzzed.

"That was nice," I thought to myself. "Finally. A cool, nice girl."

I hope we'll go out again. Or I start finding more cool, nice girls. I just hope they aren't all so young.

Things Getting Back To Normal

So today, The Boss wanted to "chat" with me.

It always makes me nervous when she wants to chat. The first thing that ran through my mind was whether or not she found this page and discovered everything I've been writing about her. "Oh God," I thought. "We're gonna have The Discussion. And I'm gonna get fired, because I've made her uncomfortable, and Oh God,..."

I went through all the possible ways I could cover my ass. Deny. Yep. Just deny everything. It's not my blog. I've been vague. I didn't write those things. I'll just delete everything when I get home.

Then I remembered that we have never had a bad chat. No, almost every time it's been about work and how I've been making her look good lately, and perhaps this chat is about something that would be nice...

We sat down after a spell and she started talking. It was about work. And I've been asked to make a presentation before her (our) superiors over the things I do with clients. She went on and on, just smiling and talking. Like our previous conversations relating to this, she turned from the flirty, sexy, winky boss to more of a proud mother. What's funny is that I could sense the detachment she makes. And as we talked, I started to feel as if this crush I've been having was fading away, lost under a more professional relationship, although I was thinking about how pretty she was today, and how her smile is so beguiling, and how her neckline was so seductive in her v-neck blouse.

She offered to talk outside of work, after I get back from vacation, perhaps over a coffee or something. I thought no, let's not. But I didn't answer. This could be a window. A window to get to know her better.

I left the meeting and had a cigarette. The sun was nice and warm outside on the terrace.

Then, later in the day, she came on the floor and I saw her talking with other people from the office. I sent her a message telling her how much I was glad she was nuts. She then replied, "That's why u love me."

And it's true. That is why I do. She's silly and accessible. Tangible. Those are qualities I find so attractive in a woman. Someone who can take me out of my serious self and bring out this silly little kid I have in me, even for a moment. And I realized that is the dynamic which puts her above all the other women in my life for the moment. She's like a little kid, too, and she is not afraid to share that.

I think, though, that for the most part things are back to the way they used to be. I left today not wanting her, not thinking about how much I may be thinking about her over this trip. Even after her saying she will miss me, and the kiss on the cheek, I left feeling right as rain.

This is how it's supposed to be, I thought.

The Stand-In/Getting Over It (A Little)

So the girl from work and I hung out again last night. I picked her up from school and we went to a little bar where my friends work.

I was still a little put off about the day's events, because, after all, I don't have too many experiences where a new female in my life (especially one I work with) wants to spend the better part of a whole day with me.

We sat down for drinks and continued our conversation from earlier.

Then, somewhere after we started our second cocktail, the truth came out.

"Well, see, as you know, my boyfriend and I aren't getting on well," she started.

"Yeah," I started to say. I could see something was about to be said I wasn't going to like very much.

"And, well, I have a few admirers I could call, but I just didn't want to go through that today..."

"Which is why you wanted to hang out with me," I finished. "Someone new."

"Yeah," she said sheepishly.

I thought about it for a minute. It was true-- I didn't like the statement, but that was beside the point. It was true about most of my life with women. It seems whenever a girl is having trouble in her relationship she calls on me. And I guess it doesn't matter whether or not I know them very well. Apparently, from this last experience, they just seem to know that I'm that guy.

A fucking stand-in.

The rest of the evening was all right. I don't remember much, because my mind was still back at the bar, thinking of all the cases where women have used me for emotional support. I don't think I'm fond of this idea of being an emotional crutch for these women. Friend, yes. But I don't think I want this stigma following me around anymore.

And if it wasn't for this last girl, I guess I wouldn't have known.

(...)

A little more progress on my closure with The Boss. I started realizing today that despite all the flirtatious gestures and inside jokes we share at work, not once has she accepted my advances. There was the time I asked her to come and join a few of us for a drink after work; she politely declined. There was the time I offered to split a cab with her on our way home from another Christmas party; she also declined, rather adamantly I seem to remember. Then it also occurred to me that she's only called me once not relating to work, and that was to thank me for her Christmas present. All the other times I've called her, she's never answered the phone or even acknowledged why she didn't answer.

Now it could be that she's just a busy woman and has a lot to do, but I think the real reason is pretty simple, and I'm just not admitting it yet: She's not into me.

Why can't I relegate this under the heading of Done, Over, and Let's-Move-On? Because she still says nice things to me. And she still shoots flirty glances. And, truthfully, I'm a hopeless romantic-- key word here being "hopeless."

I know I'll get over it. But not today, it seems.

...Just Friends, Or What?

The last week or so has found me in somewhat good spirits. Even though The Model and I haven't gone out (yet) per se, women have been taking an interest in my life. Perhaps it's just me noticing, but it seems like I'm getting a few more looks and glances from the opposite sex.

Which kind of brings me to today.

I finally talked to a new girl at work. It's been almost a month, and aside from the usual hi and bye that we have during business hours, I really didn't make time to get to know her. That was, until last week. We sat down for lunch and got to know each other better.

Which lead to us taking the train home a few days later, to where I invited her out for a drink with my buddy. She ended up not coming but I found out we live only a station away from each other and also go to the same gym.

Which lead to her asking me to work out with her today. Which we did. And then had lunch.

Over chocolate pancakes, fries, omlettes, and coffee, she asked if I would go with her (again) to the gym tonight. I agreed, but only if she'll run an errand with me afterward.

I don't think I've made friends so fast. And I noticed something about myself today. I always do the same thing when I'm getting to know a new girl: I fight this little battle in my head about whether or not I'm attracted to her.

She is very attractive, by the way. Great eyes, great smile, a killer body, and a charming accent (she's from South Africa.) Of course, she has a boyfriend, who we talked about a little today.

What I think is pretty strange, though, is her willingness to hang out so often with me in one day, especially someone she just met. I guess what's going through my head is whether or not she's interested in me in that way. I mean, it could be her just wanting to be friends. And maybe no one's taken in interest in me that boldly in a while, so I'm just wanting to see it that way.

Any thoughts?

A Day Full Of Women

Today was a pretty good day, mostly because I accomplished all the errands I usually do on my days off. You know, laundry, gym, that kind of stuff.

That, and a woman asked me out today.

This girl I've been e-mailing/IM'ing with over the last week or so sent me a text saying we should do drinks the next time she's in New York. Now, for starters, she lives between here and Philadelphia. I helped her with a pair of shoes several months ago, and she left me her business card. She happens to be a professional model.

She recently came by the shoppe, to which I idly chatted with her about how she likes our new store. She was quite stunning and it didn't occur to me that I already had met her.

That was until after about an hour after she left. "Oh, shit," I said to myself, scrambling for the envelope where I keep business cards. "That was her..." I found her card and e-mailed her saying I just remembered who she was, how was she doing, and she should come back for another pair of shoes sometime.

We had an exchange for a few e-mails then nothing, until a few nights later after I got home late with some friends. She sent a (rather quite thoughtful) message, saying she would come in this week for a makeup bag and that she didn't want me to think she forgot about me. I teased her about writing so late, and she replied with laughter, to which I added her to my BlackBerry messenger (I love that thing!)

We've since corresponded a few times. She sent me a photo of her during her shoot this week, which I thought was pretty cool. And today, I asked her what she was doing in PA. More modeling stuff.

A few hours went by. I was home taking a nap, when she sent a message, asking me out for drinks. I said fine, and that's been that.

Did I mention she was a model?!?

Then the war between my head and penis began. Again.

I fought all impulses to try and reply something cleaver. Even cutesy. I already had a separate situation this morning to learn from: I went to the gym and was walking to the stretching/mat area, where one of the (really hot) staff trainers was hanging on the stretch machine I use. The following exchange occured:

She: Do you need to use this? I'm just standing around killing time.
Me: Oh, no, that's okay. (In a deeper, comical tone:) I'll just stretch another part of my body.
She (Walking away, a little puzzled, but still smiling:) (...)

Yes, I really said that. And about a second later I realized I said something rather creepy, even though I was trying to be funny. Thoughts of B came rushing back. (B once confessed that when she met me she thought I was creepy.) I think all the color drained from my face, because I had a stupid, scolding look while I was stretching. "Idoit," I said to myself. "I'll stretch another BODY part?!? You've GOT to be kidding!"

I got over that soon enough. Later, when I went to get my haircut, the cute shop girl who sweeps up the hair, brought me a few M&M's (peanuts, too, my favorite!) and some orange slices. She's this adorable girl from Russia, and though we didn't say much, she sat across from me. I could feel her looking at me, and it made me feel good. We met a few months ago, when she washed my head before my last haircut. The only reason I haven't made a move is because I think she's my stylist's girlfriend.

But that's okay. She's still nice.

Then I get asked out by The Model.

So one out of three isn't bad.

(...)
And my relationship with The Boss is somewhat back to normal. We have private moments in the same room here and there, just the two of us, alone. I try not to think about how much I want to rip her clothes off (especially when she wears skirts-- she's got great legs.) Over the last few days, I've tried to keep conversation light.

But I wonder if she's dropping hints. Yesterday, I see her and she offers a hello. I immediately offer her a piece of chocolate, to which she accepts. She blurbed something while I was making a call on the phone, something about how the chocolate will take her mind off her shoulder. And it might be me reading into it too much, but it sounded like it was delivered in a way that I would be offering to give her a rub.

I don't know. Perhaps I am reading into it too much. I so want to date this woman. I don't care that she's 10 years older than me. I think she would be a great lover. She intrigues me. I want to get to know her better. My mind keeps playing back the moments she may have been trying to tell me: The time at the bar when she pecked me on the lips goodbye; the time in the elevator when she joked the piece of paper in my hand was a note asking her out; the time at the Christmas party when she took my arm; the time at the other Christmas party when she tried to kiss me, but I gave her the cheek instead.

Aaaauuuuggggghhh! Enough! She gets me hot, and I really don't need that right now.

(...)

On another note, I don't think I've written about so many women in one day. I wonder if this will be a trend?

A Familiar Feeling

This is the part of the crush I hate the most.

Today I came back to work and on my way down to the floor I saw her walking by. My stomach jumped.

It's the familiar feeling for me. I get it when I'm starting to really like someone. I'm sure we all get it from time to time.

What I don't like about it is what it means: I really do like this woman.

I was off the last few days and spent some time trying to forget about her. I rationalized why it's a bad idea to fall for a woman I work with, especially a superior. I kept telling myself to let these feelings go, that going through with this would end up not-so-great. For either of us. I worked out scenario after scenario, and the end result was my deciding to try and get over it.

I tried to make sense of it all. Yet my heart still won over my mind.

Yes, today, after a few days off, putting forth some effort to really move on, my stomach still jumped inside when I saw her.

My efforts were in vain. No amount of logic would prevail in this battle between the heart and mind. The heart wants what it wants... How true a statement.

My only recourse in the matter is to see it through. To quietly keep my feelings at bay, allowing time to run its course. Eventually I'll get over her. But not today.

At least, that's the message my stubborn heart told me today.

And I realized something: This is the pattern my feelings go through. With every woman-- past and present. And future? Well, we'll see...

The Bubble Theory

It's like the two of us share a secret together. And the one thing that would ruin everything would be to talk about it.

Maybe this perception is only unique to me. Or it could be that she did have feelings for me at one time but things are different now. Perhaps she did have a crush on me like I her, only to resolve to move on for risk of losing her job.

And I never knew because she didn't tell me. Wouldn't. Could not, really.

What would be the point of that?

I feel myself making an effort to keep things moving forward. And I can see her affection toward me is more related to her style of managing. Fun and playful, but authoritative when she needs to be.

Here's my theory: There is a nice, little fantasy I've created for myself with this woman, encased in a delicate bubble. I make bubbles like this all the time, because they give me something to think about, to occupy my mind in the fantasy of love.

And the only thing to keep reality from destroying it is to keep things fun and playful. Professional, but fun and playful.

Which means never telling her how I feel about her. Never dropping hints. Never bringing this little crush up.

After all, this is probably why I even like this woman in the first place: My feelings for her aren't based on anything real. Tangible, yes. But not real.

(...)

I decided to be realistic about things related to love. In this case, I realize I've built this entire crush on a few moments I interpreted to be her making passes at me, rather than realize that she just behaves flirty like that-- it's all in my head.

Because, the reality of it is, if it were real, it's quite possible we would decide to not begin an affair at risk of losing a pretty good thing (like our jobs.)

Related to this are a lot of missing posts I never blogged. But the fact remains: It is not real.

(...)

And perhaps that is the purpose of this relationship. To help me stop behaving in this way. This is what I've done for so many years, with so many women. The last one was PG. And my current muse is not alone, I have quite a few of these bubbles going on.

(...)

Today was a pretty good example. I had lunch with another co-worker, one who's been really affectionate toward me. It seemed like she had been advancing on me since she started, despite her admission that she has been involved with a man for the last 4 years. A lot of this comes out in her being touchy-feely with me in passing.

So while we were having lunch today, I brought up how men and women make advances on me in my life-- this part is not made up, I swear. She said the same thing happens to her. "I think it's because I'm really friendly, I think," she said.

Her comment didn't really make sense right away. Then 10 minutes later, while we were sitting on the couch and talking, it sunk in. In those few words, she made sense, and I realized I was doing the same thing all over again.

I decidedly moved myself away from her about a few inches. And the little bubble I made up just for her went *pop* like that.

(...)

That being said, I don't think I want to break the bubble with my boss just yet.

Love, Eventually

Of course, she would be dating someone. Just the latest info about someone I fancy quite a bit.

At work. Again.

I honestly tried to keep it form happening, which is probably why it's happening. It doesn't help that she flirts with me in little ways. I tell myself that she likes the attention from men, much the same like I flirt because I love the attention from women. The flirting is subconscious, but the effect is very conscious and very real. I'm being seduced with every glance, every little smile, every little laugh. Sometimes when she's passing by, she touches me, like on the arm or the neck. It's very charming.

I just can't win. I cannot talk myself out of liking this woman. It just makes me more amorous.

So it would make sense that after all this time I've been building up my feelings for her, she would say in passing that she was seeing someone.

Worst part is, that doesn't matter. See, from the time I arrive to the time I leave I am clocked in to a fantasy-affair 5-days-a-week. She is the woman I love for 1/3 of my day, and the woman I am currently dreaming about the other 2/3.

It doesn't make any sense. The only thing I can do now is see my feelings through. Like B, like PG, I have to let love run its course. It will fade. I will move on. But eventuality will come one day.