A Few Missed Opportunities

So last night I went out with a few people from work. Let me preface the evening:

First of all, it kind of irks me how work people plan to get together, then all flake out at the last minute. Our get-together last night was the result of three attempts to make something work out for the sake of a girl's birthday. Actually, it was for two girls, but one of them (we'll call her Staten Island,) kept flaking out at the last minute.

I've gone out quite a bit with people from work over the last year. It's understandable, as they are the closest I have to friends since we work together every day.

What started getting me mad was that SI kept flaking out in the last minute. I've hung out with her here and there at work, and once on a night out. She's cool, but her flakiness as of late were really getting on my nerves. She even lied to other people, saying that she didn't know about our plans for dinner, etc... WTF??

Needless to say, she didn't come (and I think we don't need to invite her next time...)

But B did come, and that was cool.

Dinner was great. There were six of us there. B went to dinner for someone else's b-day (another girl we used to work with,) and met us up for a drink later.

I thought our bartender was pretty cute. She made French Martinis for the girls. As I went to pay our tab when our table went up, I told her to use orange vodka next time. It was kind of forceful and cocky, and I remember thinking how I never talked to a girl like that before. One of the guys next to me said, "Sure, the good-looking guy comes and talks to her..."

Now, I secretly think of myself as "dashing," but never in a James-bond kind of way. I would never say "hot." But something about that made me feel very confident. The bartender handed me the tab, saying, "Here you go, Mister ____________." She even used my first name, which threw me off for a bit. We had a bit of an exchange.

ME: And you are?
HER: Miss P_____ (didn't catch that.)
ME: Is that Greek?
HER: Yes. But call me Pamela.
ME: Nice to meet you, Pamela.
HER: I've never made it with orange vodka.
ME: Yeah. It's like you make it with a kamikaze.
HER: I never made one of those before.

Now I could have said a few things here, like, "Well, maybe I could show you sometime, if you'd like to get a drink?", or, "Perhaps you'd like to tell me your favorite drinks after work or something?" But, no, I didn't say anything.

I missed my chance (again.)

We then went to a Halloween party. There were a few hundred people crammed into this large loft. I immediately went to the loo and as I passed, a really cute girl in a bunny outfit reached out for me. Because I was a little buzzed, I wasn't paying attention, but she liked the fact I had bunny ears on. As I was waiting in line, I was checking her out-- she was pretty hot. But I didn't say anything-- again.

Hypocritical Monkeys, And The Girls Who (Sort-Of) Flirt With Them

Today, while I was on the way home a girl caught my eye. She was mouthing the words to her ipod, singing silently. I kept thinking about how silly she was for the moment, until I realized that I, too, was also singing a silent song while listening to my music.

I had to laugh for a minute, because I caught myself being a hypocrite. Heh. Stoopid Monkey.

I've been having little self-realization moments like this lately. I find I get critical of others and forget that I'm being a turd for getting annoyed at something trivial.

It's like that saying goes, "What you don't like about others is usually what you don't like about yourself." Or something like that.

So do we reflect on ourselves when observing other people? I had a banana while pondering this (like you do when pondering things) and I guess that it's true.

I'm trying to be a better person, but I keep finding things about myself that I want to change.

(...)

So Party Girl (formally New Girl,) asked me to join her again tonight for free food and drinks. I keep trying to figure out what it is I like about her. We always seem to run into each other, but I only notice it because I like her. She kind of flirts with me in a playful way, like the way you do when you're kids. Teasing, kicking each other's knees out, pretending not to notice each other.

Maybe she's just being nice. She keeps talking about her dates with boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, and boy toys, so I don't think she's intrested in me. I just think she likes the attention. I also notice she flirts with all the guys at work, so that's why I think it's the attention. But every once in a while I catch her looking at me while I'm pretending not to notice and it makes me feel funny. Good funny, though.

I definately know when a girl isn't looking at me in that way --it happens all the time. But I get that burning in my face when I know a girl is, and that's what throws me off. (I remember catching a look like that from B a few weeks ago. I looked right at her eyes in that moment, and I got a flash of something that made me blush inside a little.)

Then she does the "invite-out-but-we'll-see" kind of thing. The kind of plan where there's a half-commitment. Which is why I don't think she's going to call tonight.

And she said she wasn't into games...

(...)

Lounging Around...

My brother turned 21 a few days ago. It will be his golden birthday.

God! I can't believe we're all adults now. I've been wondering about this for a while, you know, about being all grown up and stuff. He's going to Vegas for a few days and I wish I could be there with him.

(...)

Well, the movie was good, but now I just don't want to go and do chores. But if I don't, then I don't eat for the next week, and that would just suck. And I would stink, too, and that would suck as well.

(All right, all right, I'm going.)

Alaska Isn't So Far Away Anymore

I just got in touch with another old friend today.

This is great because she lives in Chicago and I'm going there sometime next year to visit someone else. And while chatting with her, I found out two more old high school friends are in the City as well!

This is awesome because I've been wondering for the longest time if there was anyone else out here. It's yet to be seen if I'll be able to hook up with anyone for a drink and such, but so far, so good!

It's funny that all this is happening, because I've been thinking about not going to my reunion, which is in the next two years.

Ah well.

Now, a tough decision. Do I march out into the Sunday afternoon fray to get laundry and shopping done with all the other folks, or wait until later tonight?

Hmmmmm. Don't know. I'd rather not wait endless moments for parking, cashiers, and washer/dryers.

I think I'll watch a movie for now.

Another Saturday Night

I remember when I was in high school that there was a party going on at some kid's house.

I was at home on a Saturday night just like this one, waiting for my friend Joe to call. I remember being excited because there were going to be all these cute girls from school, and I hadn't really been to a party before. I mean, it was Anchorage, and there's not a lot to really do up there.

So I waited. Joe was my friend. We worked out together. We hung out at school, but only once in a while. He was a lot more popular than I was, especially 'cause he was good-looking. Since I didn't have Dan anymore (because he was abroad,) I spent my free time hanging' with Joe.

I waited longer. It was getting to be around midnight. I called his house. No answer.

Then a sinking feeling came over me. That feeling was that I got left behind.

It really hurt because I thought that part of my life where I would get rejected by my peers was over. Even in elementary school there were the taunts about four-eyes, and being a "dog."

(...)

Well, I've since had that feeling. I always wanted to be part of a group, but it's hard when you're a loner. I guess you could say that it's an oxymoron.

I was never meant to be part of a group.

Tonight I have that feeling again. It's not as strong as before especially because this kind of thing happens once in a while, but it still sucks.

What can you do, eh? I wish I wouldn't take it so personally.

Solitary Confinement

So today, I asked New Girl what she was doing after work. She offered for me to come out when she and her friends go club-hopping, right after this loft party they were going to.

I was thankful for the invite, because I didn't have anything to do and I wanted to go out.

A few hours later, New Girl comes in and tells me there's a change of plans because they were gonna stay at their loft party all night, and that tomorrow's gonna be big, so I should go out Saturday.

Now I don't know New Girl that well, but she strikes me as a person who doesn't stay in one place for too long. So I think she was trying to artfully un-invite me without really doing so. All the while she had her hands in her pockets, a glazed look in her eyes, like she was just out last night until 10 this morning, and that kind of I'm-so-stoned-right-now demeanor. That, and she deftly left the room once I started getting paged and called. Actually, it was quite cleaver, if not coincidental, that she came in during the only lull I had that day.

I think this is the part where I should realize that she isn't the kind of person I want to be hanging out with right now. I did all of that when I was a bartender. And I don't need to be friends with a person who I can tell will let me down. Maybe I'm wrong, but the signs are all there, and I'm just calling a spade "a spade."

I guess it doesn't help that B is kind of giving me the brush-off as well. I only think so because her replies back to be are, like, two or three hours after I message her, and she's been "too busy" or "tired". It's likely that she's at home watching TV, but it doesn't help the fact that I'm still bored.

I don't like it when I'm bored. I start getting lost on a tangent of loathing for about thirty minutes, when really it's that I just didn't have concrete plans tonight and that nothing's wrong with me, and I should just go to bed.

Besides, I'm kind of enjoying these early Saturday mornings. I've a lot to do today, anyway.

Twenty-six And Nowhere To Grow

Yesterday the new girl from work asked me to join her for a night out of drinks and food. On a Monday.

Normally, I would be apprehensive about going out on a "school night." But I decided "What the hell," and met her out. Besides, she was kinda cute.

It turned out to be pretty cool. I met up with her and her friends at a place somewhere in Alphabet City. Every time I go to a new bar, it makes me think of the places I want to own someday.

The atmosphere was cozy and laid back. There were girls everywhere. Not bad for a Meximo, I have to say. And the drinks and food were FREE. Definately not bad.

What was funny was the whole night I was sitting in front of these younger girls and something was striking me funny. They were cute and all, but a little on the kiddie side of things. One of them kept scooping ice cubes into her sangria. The other one didn't really talk much but kept giggling next to her friend. And the last one couldn't help but talk about how grown up she was.

Then it hit me after the second drink. These girls are only 18, I thought to myself. Is that what 18-year-olds sound like?

I instantly felt old. Not really like I should be retiring old, but just a wee bit out of place.

Then my friend from work kept poking fun at me when I said I needed to go home. It was 1am. I had to be up for work in 5 hours, and all she could say was that I was a pansy. Ohhhh, that's when it really started to hit.

But I'm 26, I thought. I'm not THAT old, right?

Right?

I feel so accomplished.

I finally got those little things done that were pissing me off for the last few months. Maybe that's why I've been so cranky at work lately, 'cause I hadn't taken care of the little things.

I got my haircut, as planned. Went totally short. I had a friend tell my boss that I shaved my head bald. It was funny, 'cause he said, "What's wrong with that boy?"

Then I got my closet organizer. It took all day and about three trips to Lowe's but it's finished. Ironically, I didn't need half the shelves, so I could have saved even more money, but it's too late now. Besides, I had been fucking with it for 7 hours.

I got that annoying running toilet fixed. The new mechanism sounds so much quieter now.

I scrubbed the tub. And the bathroom.

I installed the mini hanger in my room, so I now have a place for my coats. All both of them!

I finally got bedsheets! Blew $200 bucks on 'em, but sooooo worth it!

I got the blind for the kitchen window.

But the best part was setting up the convection oven, 'cause I needed an oven today.

I realised that I don't think I've ever made myself breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in the same day until today. I like to cook, actually. Hmmmm.

Yeah, this has actually been a great, relaxing weekend. I did all my chores, and then some, and I feel soooooooooo good and ready for bed.

I guess I never had a "normal" day in so long, it almost feels like a treat. I guess it was a good thing that B didn't call, 'cause I would have never gotten anything done (again.)

Now I've got to start working out.

One For My Homey

Right about now I'm usually at B's house smoking a pack of cigarettes and watching TV. It's funny when you get used to doing something.

But tonight I'm at home, drinking a Corona and smoking alone, and I realize that I'm not with my trusty side-kick.

It's like Shaggy without Scooby. Like Tom without Jerry. Like Batman without the Boy Wonder (though technically, Batman always went solo, except for that series in the 60's.) As Forrest Gump would say, "We was like peas and carrots."

I miss my carrots!

Maybe she just needs to be alone right now. She just dumped her boyfriend (but I don't think it's for real, because her mom's coming to town tomorrow.) We've been hanging out religeously for the last three months, so it feels funny that I haven't talked to her at all since last week.

What's funny is that I know I could text her and we'd be blissfully doing nothing right now. Together. But if she needs a little space, then I'll just wait for her to buzz me.

On another note, tomorrow there are changes afoot. I'm giving up on growing out my hair and just cutting it all off. And I think a closet organizer is in my future. Mmmmmm. Wire shelving. And bed sheets. Definately some bed sheets.

To B, (sip of Corona,) here's to you, homey.

Airport, ho!

To think that I drove here from Colorado, all for the pleasure of having my car and taking "excursions" or "vacations" to exotic locales on the East Coast. Like Philadelphia, for example.

Boy was I ever wrong.

Instead I get to drive to the always exciting and enthralling journey to... JFK! (Somebody, hold me down from all the excitment--I can't wait to go!)

It wouldn't be so bad if I could go there, make my pick up (or drop off,) and be home in an hour's time. It takes about 25 minutes to drive there (no problem,) then AN HOUR to get from the exit to the terminal, then ANOTHER HOUR to get out of the terminal.

Now, all things aside, this only happens during heavy rainy nights.

Oh, what's that I hear? Is that the pitter-patter of the rainiest day we've had this year?

(...)

I know what's going to happen. I'm going to get my friends, come home, and tomorrow when I get to work, my boss will accuse me of "drinking" the night before, which is what he always does when I look "tired", when in fact, I haven't had enough "sleep." (Though he is right most of those times...)

Sometimes, you're just damned if you do.

Yeesh...

Maybe what I'm waiting for is a big slap upside the head, 'cause I sure haven't sounded like myself lately.

Maybe it's all the tuna fish I've been eating. Might need to switch to Chunk White instead of Chunk Light.

Okay. Chunk White Tuna. Slap Upside Head.

Got it.

Am I Really That Wrong?

There's a line from one of my favorite songs:

"After all the crushes have faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong,
I'm jaded. I hate it."

Why am I so wrong about my love life? Why do we do that, anyway? I wonder if I should stop liking a girl when I realize I like her, because it's a sign that I'm liking the wrong person.

It's so confusing.

I'm just frustrated. I'm 26, alone, and haven't had any in, like, a year.

I don't want to be a 40-year-old virgin (or not have had any in so long it seems like I am one.)

What does that mean, that I'm getting in my way? Does it mean that I cockblock myself? Do I not try hard enough?

My friend Bri said that her first impression of me was that I was creepy, because I started calling her "sweetheart" without really knowing her. I wonder if I give off a weird vibe or something.

I like being alone, though I know there is a difference. I like being single. I like coming home alone and waking up by myself.

I have to be honest: I haven't ever really known what it's like to be in a relationship. I don't know what it's like to sleep with someone every night for a few years, or have a regular date to do anything.

But I don't think I'll need to worry about that. It's like that part of me's already taken care of, like I don't need any practice or anything.

Maybe I don't need any practice at all. Maybe it's just timing. I have to say about the girls I have been involved with, that it didn't seem like I was new at dating or sex, or anything like that. Maybe it's God's way of saving me all the trouble, stress, and heartache for no reason. Maybe I don't need anything like this right now.

Ah, who knows. I guess I want something to happen right now. But it doesn't feel like now is the time for anything in my life to be going that way, even in acting. It's like something has yet to happen to me before I'm ready for everything I always wanted.

I remember a tarot card reading I had 10 years ago. I had, like 11 of the 22 special cards, and the reader said that there was something big in my life that I had to either do or change before I could be truly happy.

But what?

No More Saturdays!

Aaaaaarrrgh!

It really sucks that I have to work Saturdays again. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't so busy.

I knew this would happen eventually. But I want to have Mondays off, and my boss says, "We'll see." I mean, a simple YES would do. I don't have to keep waiting on the edge to see if I'll get one simple day off.

It totally sucks!

I Dream Of Iceland

I guess I realised that one of my dreams is to live in Iceland for a year.

I just have to save enough money to do that.

Why can't I win the lottery, so I can have the money to do what I want for the rest of my life.

If money wasn't an issue, I'd move to Iceland for a year, perfect my Icelandic, then travel Europe for another year or so, then work on becoming an actor.

Maybe I should really look into making that happen in the next few years...

Have We All Gone Our Separate Ways?

I got an e-mail tonight from an old friend from home. I wrote her back and all, trying to decide what to disclose and what to keep for later.

But while I was writing it all, I kept thinking about how long it's been since I've seen anyone from home.

I mean, there have been a few people here and there. But on the whole? Butkus.

Have I been that bad of a friend? It's funny to think that there were some people in my life who were what I considered close to me. We think that we'll never lose touch, then one day, it's almost 10 years later. And we're so quick to go, "Oh well, that's life..."

I'm not saying I want to hold on to the past, but I don't want to give up so easily. There are a few people in my life I want to keep around, but do they want to keep me?

I have to start somewhere. One friend at a time. I cannot be the same friend I was (I don't even remember what kind of a friend I was,) but maybe someone from my past will become a part of my everyday life.

That would be nice, I think.