Limerence

I am miserable.

I've been having a bad week at work. Can't focus, concentrate, or sell.

But I know this feeling. I've been here before. Countless times.

I want (yet again) another woman I can't be with. And I've built up this unrealistic fantasy that I can have her.

The feeling is called limerence. I looked it up and found a pretty good explanation about what I'm going through (and have gone through) over the years.

Basically, it's something that manifests and hinges on the hope of romance, but intensifies based on hope and fear of rejection. The goal is reciprocity of feeling(s), but the condition continues because of a lack thereof. The balance between hope and fear of rejection keeps me constantly feeling "in love," for lack of better words.

As I read this article, I thought back to the many moments before. How I would replay little "moments" in my mind through my interactions with her, and how I've been looking into "hidden meanings" about those moments.

Now the key is that whether or not the feelings are mutual, the condition exists. Sometimes it does exist between the two people, but one party is usually more limerant than the other-- it would be safe to assume that this party has always been me.

It was true with PG. And B. And now The Boss.

There is a way out of this... To get over it. To realize that reciprocity may (or will) never, happen. And to forget about, "Well, maybe in the future," kind-of-crap. Let's face it: It's never worked out. In any case before, so why should it now?

Maybe The Boss does have feelings for me. Maybe all those moments are true. But reality says that we must continue to work together. And in order to do that, I have to get past this.

She's lucky. She has someone to help distract her.

I've been single this whole time. So I have to contend with myself.

And my heart has always won over my mind.

The good news is that I do eventually get over it. But this is the part of the crush that sucks.

Not Looking

Well, here I am. Back at a familiar place.

The fight continues with my feelings for The Boss. The irony of this whole thing is that I know I can get over her. And will. Before her, there was PG. And before PG, there was B. And before B...

Well, let's just say this is the pattern my love life takes-- yearning for someone I can't have.

It's the same exact story: I like her, and we can't be together. And we haven't been together. Now I have to deal with these feelings I have, which are all based on a collection of moments I've chosen to see a certain way.

And the reason I still fight back is because this time I think it's different. I'm sure she does feel the same way, even though it's not enough to break through all the reasons why we can't pursue a relationship. She's my superior. And I don't want someone to lose their job because we made a "bad decision."

A part of me thinks the lesson I need to learn is to let go. To accept and move on. Two things I have been able to do, but not easily.

The other part of me wants to believe that the real lesson is to fight; to go up to her, damn the "rules," and tell her how I really feel about her. And see what happens.

Yet the other part of me foresees the consequences of that logic: I tell her, things get "weird," then one of us eventually goes. And let me tell you, it's not gonna be her. I wouldn't let that happen, especially since I'm the one with little to lose.

So I choose to try and accept that she is just another example of someone who I must get over and move on from. She's unique and beautiful, and stands out from all the other women before. And I'm crazy about her.

But I just don't know...

Which tells me that it's not time yet.

If life has taught me anything, it's that things fall into place when the time is right. That's why I even find myself working with her in the first place. I was patient, and just when I wasn't looking, this job called. And I knew I had to move.

Hmmmmm... Maybe that's what I need to remember. Not looking.

Hmmph. Easier said than done.

She Wants Me

She came on to me.

Last night, I invited The Boss to grab a drink with me and our friend from work. She had plans that fell through, so I thought she would like to join us for a bit.

I kept bringing her wine, with no pretenses (okay, maybe a little.) We talked about work, who's fucking who at work, and other things about work.

Then it happened.

I went to grab her another drink, and she said, "I love you more than I should." Later, in between one of the rounds, I leaned over and she kissed me. Then it happened again. It was *soooo* good. Later, I was sharing more about me vs. women, and how hard it is to date in New York. She started, "But you're so... sexual...," while she put her hand on my thigh. Yes! She definitely wants me.

It was innocent enough. We held hands, kissed a little bit more, then I put her in a cab. I wanted to go home with her. It was probably my chance to. And she was giving me all the signals-- especially suggesting that I was "doing something" to her, by her body language. But it was not a good idea. And it was enough that her feelings for me came out.

I called to make sure she was home. Then I went to another bar before going home.

In the morning, she called. It took a little bit to get it out of her, but she was worried that our friend from work saw something-- which he didn't because he went home before anything happened. It was the Damage Control Conversation. She asked if she was a jerk last night. Did she make out with me? Did she say anything inappropriate? She apologized profusely.

Then she told me about a guy she's been seeing for the last two years, someone she's "ga-ga" over. It was the usual-- "He's an asshole, but I LOVE him, and if work found out, then he would find out..." I could tell that she was hiding something, something more about her feelings for me. I didn't want to give up my feelings for her because, well, then it would get weird, and weird is something I don't need.

But last night was what I hope to be the start of something really, really good. And secret.