Fork In The Road

Dinner was nice. Comfortable, even.

We decided on a restaurant in her neighborhood instead. Traffic was horrendous on the way there, so I figured it was better than trying to fight to get into the city at this time of night.

We talked over pork, eggrolls, and kimchi (sp?), while sipping green tea in this cozy little place. Every once in a while she'd mumble over the restaurant ambiance and I'd have to make out what she was trying to say, but I figured that we might be still a little shy around each other.

I kept wondering if I would ever get beyond this phase and onto something more intimate, but I just don't know. She seems to have a pretty busy life and travels quite a bit. There was something about her going to London sometime soon, but she told me not to ask about any details. Made me wonder if she's got a few other men in her life at the moment.

I recognized this feeling I had in the back of my mind. Yes. She does. Don't count on anything serious developing here. Just friends is all you can hope for.

Bummer. But at least I found out.

Truth is, I like hanging out with her, despite all that. But now comes the part where I need to decide how I want her to fit in with my life. I have a tendency to make time for women who don't have that kind of interest in me, and while I genuinely like this girl, it would be wise to step down a bit and re-think things again. I guess I'm still looking for someone special, and although I shouldn't worry too much about that part, I tend to get lonely sometimes. And all of my other girlfriends have significant others in their lives right now, which makes it hard for a guy when he wants female companionship. Especially around the holidays.

This puts me at a quandary. Which path will I decide to walk down with her?

We finished off the night with a little ice cream while I walked her to work. "We have a few things in common, don't we," she said, remarking on the fact that we both like mint-chip and Vietnamese Pho. "Yeah, I guess we do," I said back. As we walked down Carmine Street, she pointed out a few more Asian places she wanted to go with me to. "Maybe someday we can go all out and do a five-star place," she said.

Yeah. I would like that. And that's what confuses me a bit. I'm not quite sure how I fit into her life right now. I know that she likes me, and there's the feeling that it's more than just casually. But how do I explain the fact that she has a lot of guy friends? And I don't want to come right out and ask her-- it would spoil the illusion, so to speak. 'Cause it is an illusion right now. For me, anyway. Here is a woman that I barely know, who I'm interested in, who I'm not sure wants me. I get the impression that she sways back and forth where I'm concerned. Maybe she hasn't decided if she wants to get to know me more intimately yet. I don't know.

That's why I'm not sure if I should make plans with her this Friday. It wouldn't be a date-- there will be a girlfriend of hers coming along. But I would like to see her before she goes off on another trip again.

Ugh. Matters of the heart. And mind.

Truthfully, I don't have to decide right now. But my journey gets closer to that fork in the road. And I hope that this time I'll choose wisely.

Dinner Plans

I guess one of the things I noticed was kind of "weird" about her is the fact that she asks me to make a decision, then questions that decision, as if I said something totally foreign.

Prime example tonight. She messaged me, asking where I would like to eat tonight. I suggested that we go to Koreatown. She immediately asked, "Korean?"

A few weeks ago I suggested we go to the movies. She replied, "The MO-vies? Wow..., um, I guess..."

So we're making plans for dinner and that's what I suggested. And it's based on something she's told me before. She likes Asian food.

I totally don't get it. :)

Fascination

I wonder if I'm cut out for dating.

The current woman of my affections is a waitress at a quiet little lounge in the city. She's not someone I just met-- we actually know each other from another town (another life, it seems.) There's a slight feeling of familiarity with her, being that I've known "of" her for a few years now. Destiny has brought us together. Actually, "destiny" was in the form of a text message from a mutual friend saying, "...you should give her a call. She's in Manhattan, too."

So I did. And we went on a date a few months ago. It was, to say the least, fun. And awkward. Here I was, driving around Williamsburg, with a girl I barely knew. But you count in the many times we ran into each other and the many friends we have in common, and you're in a weird, familiar kind of pseudo-quasi-friends-but-not-really limbo. On one hand, all the first-date usual pleasantries are out of the way. On the other, you don't know if it's okay to try and get to first base.

Which brings me to tonight. Frequenting a bar once a week to catch a glimpse, a few flirty quips, (and a few drinks,) with a girl who, as of late, has completely enamored me. I don't know what to make of it.

And it's my continuing fascination with this vixen that brings me back. I don't know why. Besides being beautiful, she's intelligent, well-spoken, and weird. I don't know where she's coming from half the time. But I'm drawn, like a moth to a huge bonfire.

Part of me feels intimidated by her. I don't know what to respond to half the things she says. Tonight, for example, she rendered this lengthy explanation of what the protein in an egg white did (act as a membrane for the yolk,) and how densely packed the molecule was. All I could do was look into her eyes and get lost for a moment. That, and nod, "Yeah. I understand."

We have a date this Tuesday to make eggrolls. Apparently she's into Asian food and was pretty excited one night when I brought a couple of mom-made ones by.

I've never been so excited to make eggrolls in my life.

I don't even know how to make them. But if it's a chance to be with her for a while, then I'm sure as hell gonna learn.

Golddigger

Overheard a conversation walking around the floor today.

Girl 1: "...I was snooping around... and there were amounts, like, eighty-thousand, forty-thousand here, and so on."

Girl 2: "Oh my God, girl! Were they investments?"

Girl 1: "Yeah. I think they were personal investments."

Girl 2: "You know what that means-- he's set for life!"

Girl 1: "So, you know what I'm getting him for Christmas...?"

(...)

It's just the kind of thing a guy like me needs to hear at a time like this. Romance is dead it seems.

Bruised Ego

I guess it's still burning me up about last night.

So I'm on my way to my boss' birthday party and decide to stop at a bar to meet a few friends before we go in. We're just about ready to leave when I take notice of a few pretty girls that come in.

"No. Fucking. Way," I said loudly under my breath when I take notice of one of the girls. It was L, a girl who I dated earlier this summer.

"Who's that," my friend asked, taking notice of her as well. I told him what happened.

I kept glancing her way to see if she saw me. Nope. Nada. Then she went to the restroom. On her way back, I "accidentally" walked in her line-of-sight so she could look up at me. She did. Nothing. Not even recognition.

It dawned on me that this girl could be a pretty fierce look-alike. It's been known to happen, you know. And with almost 4 million women in the city, anything could happen, right?

We decided to leave. On our way out I, once again, glanced at her whilst passing by. I started to believe more in the possibility that she was just a doppleganger because it was easier to accept that than the fact that maybe she has COMPLETELY forgotten about me. No look. No glance back. Nothing. I did not exist to this woman.

It stung my ego a bit. But I guess that's fair, considering I never called her back after the stunt she pulled.

But still. Ouch.

Crush

I held her hand for a moment tonight.

It was strange, like I was 5 and she was my first crush. I could feel the familiar tingle of butterflies racing around my stomach. We fumbled hands for a second. I let go and grabbed her hand again, telling her that perhaps we could go out on Monday.

I could feel the redness of my cheeks after she walked away. I was sure she could feel it too, that she also blushed a little. We see each other so little, and when we do it's so uncomfortable. I never know what to say around her.

I feel more at ease sending her little texts back and forth. Just one or two lines at a time. It's like I can't be in the same room with her, yet I like watching her walk back and forth as she serves our table.

I smiled at her when she checked on our table. She gave a nervous smile back and waved. That's what it is-- we make each other nervous. I can't explain why-- we just do.

She looked so pretty. Dressed really simply in a white blouse and a black draped dress over. Her hair was up in a pony tail. And she smelled so nice, like a flower. Her skin was soft when I kissed her cheek.

I'm still blushing. I think I like her more than I want to admit.

I'm afraid she doesn't like me back the same way.

But I held her hand tonight. For a moment.

It makes me smile inside.