Chickenshit!

So I get word today from my boss that I am to make a pick up at a stylist's apartment for a client return. Thankfully the place is only three blocks away, so I gladly go up there.

Before I leave, Boss hands me the address on a piece of paper. "You're going to David's apartment," he says and waits for my response.

It takes me a moment to realise whom he is referring to. "David?" (Pause. Pause.) "You mean that David?"

"Yeah, sweetie. That David."

A quick flashback to 8 years ago. David was a fellow assistant with me when I last worked here. He was a nice kid and we hung out here and there. It turned out that he was gay (which didn't bother me,) and he liked me (which didn't bother me,) until he tried to make a move on me (which did bother me,) one day while we were hanging out.

I had let that one go, for obvious embarassment reasons. But I made the mistake of entrusting him with my personal effects (my expensive camera and saxophone) when I left New York unexpectedly. I trusted him because after everything I felt he was a friend I could count on, and he promised he would look after my things until I sent for them. I sent for my things a few months later, only to hear David bumble some random excuses about how he gave away those things to his roommates and how he was sorry.

I decided to forgive him for that. But that was 8 years ago. Now, it seems he knew I was back working for the company and I would be stopping by today to make the pick up.

So I get to the place. The doorman calls up. I was expecting to see him, but the elevator opened with just the clothes inside. I wasn't really surprised. What did I expect?

Chickenshit.

The Back And Forth Of Things

So I just finished watching a movie by Woody Allen-- Manhattan. It's a really great film, especially for being 26 years old.

Aesthetically, the fact it was shot in black and white just romanticizes New York City for me. The landscape of the city hasn't changed much in the last almost three decades. But the movie is about relationships (like most movies are,) and that's why I'm writing.

What really grabbed my attention about the movie is how people tend to leap back and forth through relationships, regardless of their being "wrong" or "right." There is a love triangle in the film between Allen, Diane Keaton, and Michael Murphy, who is already a married man.

It got me thinking about my hesitations in love. Granted, I admit I have this tendency to like the "wrong" kinds of girls, but I shouldn't be hesitant to throw myself out there. What's the worst that can happen? I'll probably learn something about myself.

I still hold on to this ideal of falling in love though. I don't know why-- I just still believe, I guess. I don't want to end up the guy who bounces back and forth just because I want to be with someone. I'm holding out.

But I don't have an answer to how to break free of my "pattern" yet. I guess for now I can assume if I'm attracted to someone, it's because something's wrong.

That's kind of a negative way to look at things, but it's the truth.

Anyway, the movie had a melancholy ending. Allen tries to stop Mariel from leaving to London when the woman he left her for rekindles her affair with the other guy. Throughout the film, Allen keeps convincing Mariel that she's better off without him and eventually breaks her heart by confessing about him seeing another woman. So after almost no contact with her, he catches her just as she's about to get to the airport to London.

He tries to tell her not to go but he's too late.

I don't want to be too late.

What can I do?

A Floor Full Of Tissue

So I got a little sick over the past 36 hours. At least I'm in bed.

I haven't moved except for making meals and "taking care of business," so I've been doing a lot of... nothing. Watching movies, browsing MySpace, and doing some graphic design (like the new logo?). All in all it's been nice, but I have a nagging voice inside of me, telling me to do some laundry or at least take a shower and shave.

Ick. I've been sniffling all day. I think I've just about exhausted the roll of toilet paper I use for tissue.

(...)

In other news, I went out on Friday with The Intern, B, and a few other girls from work. We had a good time watching our friend at the Improv, then going out for a little pool. The whole night was going great. Intern was snuggling up to me during the show, teasing me with little looks and her silly faces. I thought that I had a chance to pick up where we left off a month ago. Later when we were playing pool she started to flirt with me a little more, feeding me bits of her sandwich, making sure she had my attention.

Of course, B had to tell me her opinion of Intern, which in short order, wasn't a good review. "You shouldn't be going after someone like her," she flatly said while Intern went to the bathroom. "She's a little too young for you. God! I feel like I'm in high school when I'm around her."

I settled with her comment, deciding not to let it interfere with my possibly getting lucky tonight.

"Oh, and you shouldn't be wasting your time with Party Girl either," she throttled. "From what I hear, she's bad news."

I wasn't really looking to get into this kind of conversation as I'm out with 4 really hot girls from work, especially since I wanted to make a move on Intern tonight. And what did Party Girl have to do with this anyway? She wasn't even here. Before I opened my mouth I looked to see if anyone was around.

Intern and the others had meandered off to another table to flirt with a group of boys. Fuck. B's right. So much for my plan.

The night ended pretty early for everyone expect B and I, because Intern had a "date" to go on (with another guy) and the other girls were going as "moral support." We waited for B's boyfriend to show up then the three of us got our drink on in a nice little place called Loreley, where you can get a beer the size of your head.

So the only way I got lucky that night was on my bar tab. Sheesh.

The Waxing (And Waning) Of Infatuation

Yeah, as soon as Party Girl has a day off and The Intern shows up, all is forgotten.

I call her The Intern only because she will be with us until this Saturday and then she'll be interning somewhere else. Interestingly enough, she's Party Girl's roommate.

They don't say the best things about each other when the other's not around but that's forgivable because what roommates don't? It's funny how when people tell me about another's "flaws" I take a moment to imagine them doing that very thing on the projector inside my head.

Intern: "That PG is so crabby around me!"
Me: "She's not really that way around me..."
Intern: "Well, you don't live with her!"

(A pause. I see flashes of PG being "crabby," ignoring me while we were waiting in line, disappearing in a crowded club for a while, then re-emerging with a pissed-off look. Wait. That was a month ago when we went out...)

Me: "Yeah, I can see that now..."

I haven't talked much about The Intern because of the little fact that she's got a boyfriend. Intern had a thing for me a little while ago and me her, but after I found out about "him" I decided to back off. My resolution of "No women with boyfriends" clause was in effect. Thus, not that many entries. She is pretty hot, though...

Anyway, we're getting a group together to go out and play pool tomorrow night. There should be a nice bunch of us. B is coming, but this time she won't be the ONLY girl. At least I'll have someone to flirt with.

(...)

I noticed there are awkward moments when I talk to Intern that always drive me crazy. Like I should be saying something... or something. But I'm not really a crack-a-joke kind of guy, and I refrain from toilet humor as much as possible (stay away from the dick jokes...) So there are these pauses between us that just feel so out of place sometimes. Ack!

I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

Despite the boyfriend thing, I admit that I am taken with her a little. She's nice to talk to. And we make goofy faces at each other or play that hand-slapping game (I always take the playfulness as a good sign.) I can't really read her though. I don't know if she's too much of a princess (she comes from a pretty wealthy family,) or if she's down-to-Earth. I sometimes think I bore her (because of the awkward silences,) yet she manages to "look" for me during work, and makes an effort to say hi to me. So I don't know.

Definately cute, though.

It's infatuation. But this is always the case in my life. Next week it'll probably be PG again. Unless another girl comes along...

The Truth Doesn't Hurt So Much When You Knew It All Along

Sometimes you just don't wanna hear the truth.

I'm told my friend today that I really dig Party Girl. We all work together, so I figure he could give me some insight or helpful advice.

Instead he tells me that she's not really the kind of girl I should be going for. "I don't think she's looking for love," he tells me. "It's more like she would be happy with a guy who gives her his credit card. 'Okay, I'm gonna go to work, you do your thing, and we'll live happy ever after.'"

I think that would sum it up pretty good. Party Girl's been seeing some guy for a while and he's pretty successful from the sound of things. And I don't think my friend meant she's out for money, but rather she doesn't know what she wants right now because she's still young (like 21 or something.) So a guy who's good-looking and has money is pretty much her type right now.

"Yeah, but I like her," I insisted.

"Why? Okay, if you had your choice of any good-looking woman in the store..."

We both agreed on this other woman, who is single-handedly the most beautiful woman. Ever. And nice. A regular dream girl. This woman-- we'll call her Tracy-- is a 100% pure Puerto Rican Goddess.

But that's not who our story is about.

"Tracy. By far. But she's got that boyfriend...," I started to say.

"Yeah. Me too."

"But I like PG. It's not about looks as much as it is how we get along."

And that's what it is. But it got me thinking about how I've been wrong so many times before. It's always the personality that piques my interest in a girl but the girl more often than not ends up being the wrong kind. For me. I wondered later if my radar is calibrated wrong. Maybe when I end up liking a girl I should realize that it's because she's the wrong kind of girl.

We talked about B, because that's his girlfriend. "B's a different kind of girl. See, it wouldn't matter if the two of you lived in a shack. B doesn't care, as long as you're hers. She doesn't care about money."

He made a good point about PG. And it didn't really dent my feelings because I guess I knew it was true. If I were to get involved I'd end up getting hurt. A few flashes of the heart-wrenching past just flew through me. Ack.

"Yeah," I ceded. "I guess you're right"

And that's what I'm looking for. A girl with PG's personality and B's moral compass. And Tracy's looks.

God, is it too much to ask for? Please?

I guess it's time to move on. Again. This would be the kind of thing I would expect to be a test. To see if I can let go of the inevitable and try and go for the right kind of girl. I would think that with my track record, I'd be an expert of the wrong kind of girl by now.

Her Little Comment

So my sister called me up today and asked me to lunch. About five minutes later, Party Girl comes into the back and asks whether or not I'll introduce us. "How did you know I was going to meet her," I asked with a stupid look on my face. "I didn't tell you."

"It doesn't matter," she said, grinning at me. "So, are you going to bring her by?"

"Maybe. It depends on where we're going."

"Well, I have to meet my future sister-in-law, right?"

I dismissed the whole thing as she walked out the door. The I popped out my head and said, "Well, we have to start somewhere, right?" She smiled back at me and went back to attending clients.

It's obvious we like each other. Later today, we were talking about later plans. Party Girl asked me if I wanted to go out to a hotel bar. That way I could meet the guy she's been dating. We then joked about a devious plan to incite jealousy by pretending that I was her "Monday-Friday" guy. I painted a scenario where I would swoop in, kiss her a little too friendly, then go for the snatch-and-grab, all the while looking at him like we were cool like that. Pretty asshole-ish, but you get the idea. The whole time she kept egging me on, like it was a good idea.

It's really funny. She definately likes me. And I know she's thought about me in that way. But still nothing's happening. There's the jokes and all, but something's in the way. Could it be work? I know I have my reservations about that. She has a way of singling me out, though.

And I doubt myself, too. The protective side of me says that I should wake up and smell the red flags. She's dating somebody else. Nah, I say to myself, she's not exclusive. There's still a chance. And I argue with myself like this about women all the time. She's got a boyfriend. But she's unhappy. There's still a chance.

I'm just tired of fighting like this. I like her. That's established. But maybe that's just how I feel and that's the end of it. There are other girls. It could be that now's not the time, but if things were different...

Whatever. But her comment today. It leaves me thinking there's something more. The cynic in me thinks that it was designed that way, that it's her nature to flirt like that. But how much do we say that we don't mean? And how many times have I been guilty of flirting like that? But the difference is, I wouldn't take it that far. I try not to say things I don't really mean.

But as they say, you know: There's a little truth in every joke...

Not Too Much To Say

It just turned cold all of a sudden. What happened?!? It was so nice outside. I went out in just a blazer. On a Friday!

Anyway... I finally had a day off. This week will be the Schminket's last one. Then I'll be by myself again managing a multi-million dollar business.

I'm kind of scattered today. Don't know what to think about or to write about. I started a part of my resolution list by starting to read a book on acting. Miesner's book is pretty interesting. I've owned it for a few years now, but never really read it before.

Too distracted. Write later.

Oh, The Humdrums Of Life...

I'm in a rut.

I can't seem to get out of bed early enough to go to work. Work is a pain in the ass. (And my boss has been on vacay for the last two weeks-- you'd think things would be going smoothly.) I find myself getting more and more complacent with my situation.

I'm begging for a change. I need a little excitement. This has led me to a lot of fantasy daydreaming, which spurns on my need to flirt with anyone female. Lately I've been turning my affections toward PG, but even this is getting old.

I have to say, though, that I'm pretty smitten with her. She has this cute look she gets when she laughs or I make her smile. We still trade half-glances at each other. It's funny, I don't need to say hi to her-- we just look at each other or we know the other is around. There's an informality between us that I like. I keep telling myself it would never work, but my body tells me otherwise. I just like her. Period. I've had crushes before, but I like the subtle crush I have on PG. It's friendly. I've grown to accept her, despite what I've said about her before.

But that's not the point. The point is the rest of my life. I yearn for something more. I really need to break out of this, to consume my energy toward my dreams. But how? It seems like I'm too tired to get the day started and too tired once it ends. I just want to unwind for a few hours and go to sleep, only to repeat the pattern all over again.

Ack! I don't know what to do about my sitch. It's the thought process that keeps me in the dregs and it just perpetuates the digging even further.

(...)

I finally finished The Art Of Seduction. A *long* read, but some very interesting lessons to be learned. I think the most valid point about it is to remember that seduction is only temporary and only works when your targets are missing something in their lives. I would be an ideal target. I'm unhappy with my life. I fantasize about every aspect, where I want to go, whom I want to love, and who I want to become. There's a lot of room for me to be seduced. I desire this, too, but really all I want is to get on the right track with myself. I feel like I'm walking next to the road I'm supposed to be on but I don't know how to step over to the right path.

This ultimately frustrates me.

(...)

On a lighter note, B's birthday is coming up. That should be a little fun.

Turning Point

I don't know what happened, but I've been thinking quite fondly of Party Girl the last couple of days.

It might be all in my head. I've been reading a book about seduction and I read today about insinuation, how your actions and words should be left with a lot of room to interpret by your target. I have noticed that my affection for PG has been growing stronger, yet I have nothing that validates this.

It's all in my head.

This is a familiar part of the seduction for me. This is the part where I usually start falling for the girl, thus screwing things up by becoming too clingy. Well, I'm going to be different this time. Admittedly, I rather fancy PG a bit, but I need to change course. Yeah, it would be great and all, but not right now.

I would like to turn the tables a little. Have her come after me for a change.