Fork In The Road

Dinner was nice. Comfortable, even.

We decided on a restaurant in her neighborhood instead. Traffic was horrendous on the way there, so I figured it was better than trying to fight to get into the city at this time of night.

We talked over pork, eggrolls, and kimchi (sp?), while sipping green tea in this cozy little place. Every once in a while she'd mumble over the restaurant ambiance and I'd have to make out what she was trying to say, but I figured that we might be still a little shy around each other.

I kept wondering if I would ever get beyond this phase and onto something more intimate, but I just don't know. She seems to have a pretty busy life and travels quite a bit. There was something about her going to London sometime soon, but she told me not to ask about any details. Made me wonder if she's got a few other men in her life at the moment.

I recognized this feeling I had in the back of my mind. Yes. She does. Don't count on anything serious developing here. Just friends is all you can hope for.

Bummer. But at least I found out.

Truth is, I like hanging out with her, despite all that. But now comes the part where I need to decide how I want her to fit in with my life. I have a tendency to make time for women who don't have that kind of interest in me, and while I genuinely like this girl, it would be wise to step down a bit and re-think things again. I guess I'm still looking for someone special, and although I shouldn't worry too much about that part, I tend to get lonely sometimes. And all of my other girlfriends have significant others in their lives right now, which makes it hard for a guy when he wants female companionship. Especially around the holidays.

This puts me at a quandary. Which path will I decide to walk down with her?

We finished off the night with a little ice cream while I walked her to work. "We have a few things in common, don't we," she said, remarking on the fact that we both like mint-chip and Vietnamese Pho. "Yeah, I guess we do," I said back. As we walked down Carmine Street, she pointed out a few more Asian places she wanted to go with me to. "Maybe someday we can go all out and do a five-star place," she said.

Yeah. I would like that. And that's what confuses me a bit. I'm not quite sure how I fit into her life right now. I know that she likes me, and there's the feeling that it's more than just casually. But how do I explain the fact that she has a lot of guy friends? And I don't want to come right out and ask her-- it would spoil the illusion, so to speak. 'Cause it is an illusion right now. For me, anyway. Here is a woman that I barely know, who I'm interested in, who I'm not sure wants me. I get the impression that she sways back and forth where I'm concerned. Maybe she hasn't decided if she wants to get to know me more intimately yet. I don't know.

That's why I'm not sure if I should make plans with her this Friday. It wouldn't be a date-- there will be a girlfriend of hers coming along. But I would like to see her before she goes off on another trip again.

Ugh. Matters of the heart. And mind.

Truthfully, I don't have to decide right now. But my journey gets closer to that fork in the road. And I hope that this time I'll choose wisely.

Dinner Plans

I guess one of the things I noticed was kind of "weird" about her is the fact that she asks me to make a decision, then questions that decision, as if I said something totally foreign.

Prime example tonight. She messaged me, asking where I would like to eat tonight. I suggested that we go to Koreatown. She immediately asked, "Korean?"

A few weeks ago I suggested we go to the movies. She replied, "The MO-vies? Wow..., um, I guess..."

So we're making plans for dinner and that's what I suggested. And it's based on something she's told me before. She likes Asian food.

I totally don't get it. :)

Fascination

I wonder if I'm cut out for dating.

The current woman of my affections is a waitress at a quiet little lounge in the city. She's not someone I just met-- we actually know each other from another town (another life, it seems.) There's a slight feeling of familiarity with her, being that I've known "of" her for a few years now. Destiny has brought us together. Actually, "destiny" was in the form of a text message from a mutual friend saying, "...you should give her a call. She's in Manhattan, too."

So I did. And we went on a date a few months ago. It was, to say the least, fun. And awkward. Here I was, driving around Williamsburg, with a girl I barely knew. But you count in the many times we ran into each other and the many friends we have in common, and you're in a weird, familiar kind of pseudo-quasi-friends-but-not-really limbo. On one hand, all the first-date usual pleasantries are out of the way. On the other, you don't know if it's okay to try and get to first base.

Which brings me to tonight. Frequenting a bar once a week to catch a glimpse, a few flirty quips, (and a few drinks,) with a girl who, as of late, has completely enamored me. I don't know what to make of it.

And it's my continuing fascination with this vixen that brings me back. I don't know why. Besides being beautiful, she's intelligent, well-spoken, and weird. I don't know where she's coming from half the time. But I'm drawn, like a moth to a huge bonfire.

Part of me feels intimidated by her. I don't know what to respond to half the things she says. Tonight, for example, she rendered this lengthy explanation of what the protein in an egg white did (act as a membrane for the yolk,) and how densely packed the molecule was. All I could do was look into her eyes and get lost for a moment. That, and nod, "Yeah. I understand."

We have a date this Tuesday to make eggrolls. Apparently she's into Asian food and was pretty excited one night when I brought a couple of mom-made ones by.

I've never been so excited to make eggrolls in my life.

I don't even know how to make them. But if it's a chance to be with her for a while, then I'm sure as hell gonna learn.

Golddigger

Overheard a conversation walking around the floor today.

Girl 1: "...I was snooping around... and there were amounts, like, eighty-thousand, forty-thousand here, and so on."

Girl 2: "Oh my God, girl! Were they investments?"

Girl 1: "Yeah. I think they were personal investments."

Girl 2: "You know what that means-- he's set for life!"

Girl 1: "So, you know what I'm getting him for Christmas...?"

(...)

It's just the kind of thing a guy like me needs to hear at a time like this. Romance is dead it seems.

Bruised Ego

I guess it's still burning me up about last night.

So I'm on my way to my boss' birthday party and decide to stop at a bar to meet a few friends before we go in. We're just about ready to leave when I take notice of a few pretty girls that come in.

"No. Fucking. Way," I said loudly under my breath when I take notice of one of the girls. It was L, a girl who I dated earlier this summer.

"Who's that," my friend asked, taking notice of her as well. I told him what happened.

I kept glancing her way to see if she saw me. Nope. Nada. Then she went to the restroom. On her way back, I "accidentally" walked in her line-of-sight so she could look up at me. She did. Nothing. Not even recognition.

It dawned on me that this girl could be a pretty fierce look-alike. It's been known to happen, you know. And with almost 4 million women in the city, anything could happen, right?

We decided to leave. On our way out I, once again, glanced at her whilst passing by. I started to believe more in the possibility that she was just a doppleganger because it was easier to accept that than the fact that maybe she has COMPLETELY forgotten about me. No look. No glance back. Nothing. I did not exist to this woman.

It stung my ego a bit. But I guess that's fair, considering I never called her back after the stunt she pulled.

But still. Ouch.

Crush

I held her hand for a moment tonight.

It was strange, like I was 5 and she was my first crush. I could feel the familiar tingle of butterflies racing around my stomach. We fumbled hands for a second. I let go and grabbed her hand again, telling her that perhaps we could go out on Monday.

I could feel the redness of my cheeks after she walked away. I was sure she could feel it too, that she also blushed a little. We see each other so little, and when we do it's so uncomfortable. I never know what to say around her.

I feel more at ease sending her little texts back and forth. Just one or two lines at a time. It's like I can't be in the same room with her, yet I like watching her walk back and forth as she serves our table.

I smiled at her when she checked on our table. She gave a nervous smile back and waved. That's what it is-- we make each other nervous. I can't explain why-- we just do.

She looked so pretty. Dressed really simply in a white blouse and a black draped dress over. Her hair was up in a pony tail. And she smelled so nice, like a flower. Her skin was soft when I kissed her cheek.

I'm still blushing. I think I like her more than I want to admit.

I'm afraid she doesn't like me back the same way.

But I held her hand tonight. For a moment.

It makes me smile inside.

Picking Up The Pieces

My vacation is almost over and I haven't even gotten that much accomplished.

I did go to Florida for a wedding. A very fast, skin-of-our-teeth wedding, that came together just as the sun was setting. For me, it was a symbol of how determination can accomplish a lot of things, against all odds. And it wasn't out of character for the people getting hitched either-- they tend to operate like this all the time.

But other things haven't gone so well. Registering my car for New York has been a hassle-and-a-half. Stood in line for 2 hours at the DMV only to find out I was missing ONE piece of paper. That took me another 3 hours and 5 phone calls to finally get the right form sent, which will take another 5 business days. This means that my vacation will be over by the time I am ready to apply for my registration correctly.

That, and I won't be getting my driver's license for another 2-3 weeks.

That, and I found out that an error on my taxes will cost me $1400. That took about 4 phone calls to find out why.

And I haven't even started looking for work yet. I finally finished a resume today. I hope to put in at least 10 applications tomorrow. That will amount to a pretty busy day.

The only thing I really have to look forward to is camping with B this weekend. Perhaps I can get a few things off my mind.

There is the matter of the girl who cancelled on the date. Yup. It was a brush-off. I had been wracking my brain as to why she decided to cut things off with me. I guess I'm still taking things personally and I shouldn't. It might not have anything to do with me. But it still doesn't make me feel any better.

I decided to stop sulking because I realized that she wasn't exactly the best choice for me. And I also realized that I had been beating myself up for similar reasons in my personal life. I haven't always given myself the best chance possible. So why am I getting bent out of shape for nothing?

And it's because of this that I have a reason to start changing. I have to start playing fair when it comes to me. I think I might have better luck this way. It's not fair to beat yourself up, even a little bit, when you haven't given yourself a fair chance to try anything. And even then, it doesn't help to beat yourself up in the first place.

It's about picking up the pieces and not giving up. A thing that I always knew about but never really tried.

Until now.

It hasn't been all that bad, though. I guess life will continue throwing me curve-balls. I'll just have to learn to swing better, that's all.

A few things that went right this weekend:

1.) The fact that I showed up at all to my friend's wedding really made his day, despite all others not coming through.

2.) I met a cute waitress at a Ruby Tuesday's in Tampa. I didn't get her number on purpose, because I think it'll be better if I got it next time I'm down there. But I did pretty good flirting with her. She thought my name was "lovely." I'm such a dork.

3.) I did get my resume typed up pretty well. And fast. Not bad for not-having-to-need-one in almost 8 years.

So this week wasn't all bad. I just like to sulk sometimes.

But picking up the pieces isn't that bad, either.

From Bad To Worse To Better

So life, like a rollercoaster, is full of ups and downs. And, just like the ride, there's a lot of waiting to get on, and wanting to get off while you're on it.

For me, this weekend has been one up/down after another. And I couldn't wait to get off this ride. I don't think I've ever been happier to see Monday come.

Starting with my day on Friday, it was a bummer. The lunch "date" I spoke of was a job interview. For a job that was no longer being offered. I showed up anyway and talked with a nice friendly lady in HR. Seeing as I was on my lunch hour, I asked to reschedule for next week sometime when I would come in with a resume and fill out an application for some "possible" openings next year. So the only real good thing about Friday was the fact that I would be going on vacation for the next 10 days.

Saturday was no better. The girl whom I had a second date with did give me the brush-off. This was accomplished by dramatizing the fact that she was "moving" this weekend. I did the gentlemanly thing and offered to help her with her moving. I was pretty sure she was telling the truth. However, when I asked if we would be doing anything this weekend there was no direct answer from her, yet she pleaded with me to keep my schedule open Saturday. And when I sent her a message saying "hi" later that night she didn't answer (she usually replies right away, even when she's at work.) All this nonsense just to avoid saying that she didn't want to hang out with me.

I went to a party to get my mind off things. Everything was going fine until one of my friends decided to lash out at me for PG's birthday snafu a couple of months ago. Mind you, PG and I worked things out-- we're cool. We're friends. Forgiven and forgotten. So I had no idea where this was coming from. All so she could tell me to "get over it" in public, I guess. I had to laugh, though.

Sunday was better, but fixing a corroded car battery and taking it to the shop to get tested is no way to spend a sunny afternoon. But it was either this or have no ride to the airport tomorrow.

So, if good and bad things happen in threes, then I guess I'll be having a pretty good week starting in a few hours. And I think I'll try and find a new ride to get on.

Today: Sunny, Chance Of Flurries (Of Change)

When change happens to me, it's usually in a flurry of events, one right after the other.

I just finally moved downstairs and I'm about 70% unpacked. I spent the last few days (nights) unpacking, organizing, and throwing away all the things I don't need.

I'm going out with a girl this weekend. Though this will be a second "date," we're not really dating, as much as we are two people who knew each other a long time ago getting to know each other again. She's not really a friend, more of an acquaintance. And I hope to define a better direction of this new relationship this weekend. (Hopefully it won't be the "friends" brush-off.)

And tomorrow I have a lunch "date" I'm really looking forward to. I can't say too much today, but I'll divulge tomorrow night, so as not to jinx the occasion-- after I go out with B and our friend J (haha-- B&J.)

Next week I'll be on vacation, to which I'll be registering my vehicle and getting my license for New York City. I'll be a "Noo Yawr-kuh" in a few days. Fuggeddaboudit.

So there's a lot to look forward to in the next few days alone. Keep you posted!

Everything Is Gone... Well, Not Everything

All my photos, music files, documents-- EVERYTHING is gone!

I'm a little perturbed by this. A little. I had a few things I was working on that were important to me. A few scripts, stories, and journal entries I had deemed "works in progress."

It sucks having to start over in this capacity. Two years doesn't really set you back, but in a lot of ways it does.

Couple that with all the papers and books I have yet to dry off and what I feel is a little more than annoyed.

Oh, and I have to finish moving in two days now.

(...)

On a (much) better note, there's another new girl at work that I've been avoiding. She's attractive. Definitely. But all the other guys at work are up in her business right now, and that's the last place I want to be at the moment. Quite honestly, even though it's a lost cause, I still prefer PG's unavailable company at the moment.

But, seeing as that things are "great" with her newly defined boyfriend at the moment (Side note: she called me drunk last night, in an almost break-down, and today things are "great" again,) I guess I can elaborate on this new, pretty face.

She's got a nice air about her. Polite. Intelligent. Well-spoken. Smooth voice over the phone (this is how I interact with her most of the day.) And she has that sweet "girl" smell about her, which smells like lip-balm, baby powder, and perfume. She's also very curvy, which is why she attracts a lot of attention from the guys at work at the moment.

Me, well, for me she's all right. I don't really know her at all, but that's because I've been really avoiding any and all opportunities to get to know her. Honestly, I don't need another woman in my life right now. My plan was simple: call her up when I only need to, ask her questions only pertaining to work, move on. Maybe a Hi or Good Morning, but nothing more.

Everything was going well. Until today.

I was upstairs doing my thing and I walked by her desk, noticing the new T-Mobile Sidekick 3 over a bunch of books. I just had to ask her about it, mostly because I'm in the market for a new phone. She let me browse around for a few minutes and we were talking about a few other phones. By the end of our little chat, I had a date with a like-new Blackberry phone that she might practically give to me (she got it for free) after I give it a go tomorrow.

So it's not really a bad thing that my plans of avoiding a pretty girl failed miserably. I got to chat with the new girl and get a new (maybe free) phone out of the deal.

I guess I'll have to live with the cards I'm dealt.

(Sigh.)

It Figures

The last 36 hours have been a great pain in my ass. If it weren't for my friend, K, I'd be a fuckin' wreck right now.

To start, I picked up K&K from the airport yesterday. We went out for a bite to eat then came back to the house. I was looking forward to getting a lot of work done with the move. That was about cut short we discovered a leak in the basement.

Right on top of the things I had just moved earlier that week.

So I've been doing about two days worth of laundry on a holiday weekend. Soooooooo fun, lemme tell you.

And to top things off, my computer crashed when I got back from doing laundry. I lost everything. Thank goodness my blog is online.

I would have figured that I'd be a wreck at this point, but what can you do, huh?

(...)

Well, gotta get back to drying off the books and papers.

Fun Weekend. Still Infatuated.

It has been an exhausting weekend.

I took the nieces from Italy out this weekend. I was pretty much Uncle-Tour-Guide all day Friday and Saturday. It was nice to see more of the city, even though I had been pretty much everywhere before-- just not paid much attention. The NYSE was new for me, though.

And I got to practice my Italian, in which I surprised myself in that I knew more than I thought I did. It was a neat learning situation-- they knew enough English to correct me, and I knew enough Italian (and supplemental hand gestures,) to help translate what they were saying. I don't think I've ever mentioned how much I love to learn languages, but I discovered that I really do enjoy learning very much.

(...)

I left a saucy message for PG the other night. I was out with one of our mutual friends. After a few drinks we both decided to call her. She answered our friend's call first, with our friend repeating, "You are NOT having sex right now (giggle, giggle!)" I got shot to voicemail and proceeded to leave the following:

"Hey fucker, you aren't having sex right now, 'cause if you WERE having sex then you wouldn't have time to answer the phone, would you? So why don't you do us all a favor and get up off your ass and come out for a drink? We'll be at (the place we were drinking,) and waiting for you to show up. And do me a favor, will ya? Get up off your knees and onto your elbows next time."

I don't know what came over me, but it felt good. I thought we had reached a level in our friendship where the shit-talking could commence. I used to have friends like this-- people who would talk amazing amounts of bullshit to me and it would be all for fun.

Needless to say when I saw her on Saturday, PG was not amused. I called on Friday to apologize for my lewdness, but also got voicemail. PG said she got both messages, but chose to "ignore" the first one.

But I also realized that my recent shift in aggression's because I'm jealous. I don't like the fact that she's unavailable anymore. Mind you, the irony is I didn't really take my chance when she WAS available, but it doesn't make the situation better. I still want her. It shouldn't justify my bad moments toward her, but it's an explanation nonetheless.

And I realized that my little comments are a bit brash at times. It started as a way to "hit back" with her sometimes scathing commentary to me, kind of a no-excuses thing during our bitching sessions. But now I can see when it stings a little too much.

While it's nice to have your friends bring you back to reality, nobody likes an asshole. And I don't want to ruin our friendship because I couldn't keep my mouth shut when I need to. Also, I would still like to explore the possib-- um, no. No, no, no!... I don't want to do this right now.

But I will try and work on being a better friend. I have also noticed her remarks are a little too ambiguous lately, like she's still trying to make passes at me... passively. I'm glad I'm right about that.

Odd And Ends

I just saw a girl walking a pig tonight.

Now it's not weird seeing a girl walking a pet at 10 o'clock in the evening in Brooklyn. Nor is it strange to see a rather large pig. But in the city?!? Do you see the strangeness in this?

(...)

I'm overly excited about some tarp-blue Adidas basketball tear-off pants I bought the other day. So excited that I've been wearing it with a bright orange jacket around town over the last few nights. I seem to love the fact that my pants are tarp-blue-- it's like that really bright cobalt blue that you only see when you're camping. Or if you're looking at my pants.

(...)

My brother-in-law has charged me with taking his two twenty-year-old nieces from Italy around the city this week. He didn't seem too keen on the idea I proposed of taking them to a strip club. It was worth the laugh.

It seems that my energies have been taken up with people traveling in and out of the city. I'm B's ride when she comes in/out of town. The same with my friends K&K (they're inseparable,) and they travel once a week to and from Florida. And I've been cat/dog sitting for different people. Now I'm a tour guide.

I should find a way to parlay this into some serious money-making, huh?

Glad I'm Not Him

While I was out today I saw a couple walking by on the street.

The woman was blonde, attractive, and bronzed. She was a little too old for my taste, but she was pretty nonetheless. She walked about with kind of an I'm-hot-and-I-know-it aura about her that I thought was interesting. Following behind her was a much shorter bronzed man. He was older, kind of handsome, and had salt-and-pepper hair. He had an athletic build and was casually dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.

But it was the look on his face that said it all. He had a sullen, defeated look about him as he carried all the shopping bags. He followed behind her by a few paces and seemed to make sure he gave her enough room to change direction. He definately did not wear the pants in this relationship.

The relationship I saw between the two of them instantly gave me an impression. My imagination ran wild for a few moments. She's with him for the money, I thought, and he knows it. I imagined him catering to her every whim, buying any and everything she asked for. He had been pining after her for so many years with extravagant gifts and dinners, only to find himself with a sex-less marriage and a pile of bills. He'll eventually divorce her, once he finds out that she's been having an affair, and he will be left with almost nothing. Poor sap.

It got me thinking about why I'm still single. Had I not experienced so much rejection over the years, I guess I would be just like that guy I imagined. Pining after some woman whom I thought would make me happy, only to be bamboozled into an unhappy life.

Hell no! I think I like things better right now, even though the bed's a little cold at night. I could probably wait a little longer to find that girl of my dreams.

(Sigh.)

Crash, Burn, And Learn

I never used to understand why I wouldn't seem to have much luck when it comes to dating. It was an all too-common scenario: I meet a girl, I ask for her number and date (getting better at that,) we go on the date(yessss!,) then we never reconnect after that (curses!) It would frustrate me as to why things would never progress beyond the first encounter.

Tonight was a little different, though. Although it was a total bust (I'll explain as to why in a bit,) I noticed that I was a lot more observant than I had been in previous dates. And the other part that was different: I learned where I went wrong-- of course, it hit me on the way home, kind of like an, "Awwww, shit!," moment.

These two things alone make everything seem all right in a way. It means that I'm learning, which in turn means I'll have a better chance of "getting it right" for the next time. It also means that my confidence is not too shaken since I realized that I messed up, and it wasn't anything that I meant to do. But first impressions are everything in this case, and the thing I have learned so far isn't to take things personally.

I met this really pretty girl at a friend's dinner two weeks ago. We had brief introductions, then I had to scoot off to meet friends from Alaska (a much higher priority in my book.) Last week, I asked my friend to invite her to dinner and brought along PG as my wingman. It was a good thing because we were all friends with each other through different ways. Dinner was great and at the end of it I asked this girl for her number and a date to get some coffee.

So we met for coffee tonight. I thought we were doing pretty good, but I realize in retrospect that I wasn't as into her as I thought last week. And things were kept pretty short and sweet-- we only met for about an hour. Toward the end, I got up to use the restroom. When I got back, all of a sudden, she had to "get going." I said I had to meet friends for dinner as well (little white lie,) and we walked to our respective trains.

It was when I walked her to the station that I realized that we wouldn't be seeing each other again in this capacity. All of a sudden, the "friend" whom she was hanging out with earlier today (from our conversation,) became "the boy she was seeing." I thought it was funny for a second, then I got the message. Her tone suggested that she was "happy" and "wasn't interested." I wondered why it happened that this detail suddenly switched.

On the train ride home I figured things out. I recalled a few of the comments I had made which poked a little fun at her. I guess she didn't find them so funny after all since we hadn't known each other that well. And I guess I came on a little too strong saying things like, "I'll just put this on your tab,"-- I bought drinks the other night and coffee tonight, though it was supposed to be her treat. And I think I was a little too talkative. So all in all, she must have gathered that I was an asshole.

But that's the best I came up with. I'm 99% sure she's not interested in me that way. And I know now to be careful about what things I choose to say to be funny. Maybe next time I'll try some generic jokes or something.

Like I said, I learned pretty quickly tonight, so I'm not too torn up about it.

Too bad, though. She was pretty cute.

The Company You Keep

You can always tell what kind of a person someone is by the company they keep. Or, in my case, you can tell the kind of new friends you'll make by the friend you have in common.

My good friend SMG was in town this weekend with her girlfriends. While it was a little bit of a reunion for the two of us in over four years, I had the pleasure of meeting some pretty amazing people this weekend. All of them were young, successful, and real. Just genuine people.

The experience has given me hope in such a cynical city like New York. I'm sure there are a lot of great people out here, but maybe I haven't thought so because of how I'd been introduced to them. Sometimes your friends are like catalysts in that they make or break your first impressions of people when making new friends. And the way these girls introduced me to their mutual friends in NYC made it seem like I'd known these people for years.

And now I seem to have a few new friends who seem like people I want to hang out with. It's a nice change for me after the last two years, especially since the few friends I have are mostly from work. That and I wonder if the success they have in life will help inspire me to find my own.

(...)

That reminds me about how I have been experiencing confidence lately. I've noticed that I've been having little moments of amazingly unfaltered self-esteem, but it only lasts for a little while. Then I fall back into a frumpy mood. But it's such a huge swing back and forth sometimes. I seem to remember being a lot more balanced in life.

What the fuck happened?

The First Step

I went to the first acting thing I've done in almost 3 years today. I say "thing" because it was an improv group of sorts.

The group was put together by the brother of an old friend from home. I met up with this old friend last weekend since he was in the city to visit his family. Long story short, we caught up and he invited me to this get together.

It was cool. The group was small (7 of us,) and it allowed me to be less intimidated during the exercises. I haven't posted about my acting before, but all I can tell you is that I was able to become more free and expressive than I have in years. It might have been due to my excitement about doing acting again.

At the end of the "class," I asked the group a few questions on where to start. I mostly talked with this older guy named Ben, who I gave a ride to on the way home-- it seems that my car has enabled me to make a lot of friends lately (I shall post on this.) Ben and I talked a lot for a while, exchanged numbers, and I offered to meet him up next week to get more information.

The experience paid off because I made contact and I got to practice again which helped my confidence. I still don't know how I'm gonna go about pursuing my dream in the big city, but I'm more certain that I can and will do it. I just have to get started.

It seems that I just did.

A Desire

In the last few days, I have run into three people I know who are in love. Well, technically, two people-- the third one was a phone call.

It makes me happy to hear my friends tell me of how wonderful they feel. I know what they mean although they don't say it; it's in how they say such things to me. And I know that it's the little things that make them in love with the object of their affections.

I want to make someone feel like that. I want someone to make me feel like that.

Changes

I feel change coming again.

I usually get like this when I am ready to let go of something. I don't know what exactly I will be letting go of, but whatever it may be I hope it's because I'm ready for something better.

In a related matter, there is a luster about PG that isn't quite there anymore. She played a great wingman on Sunday; she looked quite amazing, in fact. But I noticed today that I'm starting to get over my affection for her. Maybe it's because of the birthday incident a few weeks ago, being that it was the last of many final straws for her. I think I'm getting tired of trying to start something that needs to find it's own time to begin. This could be a very good thing, in fact, because I won't be investing energy somewhere it doesn't need to be for the moment-- if that makes any sense.

It could also be my job. I noticed that Boss has taken more care to inform me about what is and is not my job. It isn't anything more than how he's been saying things to me lately. There have been a lot of corporate staff changes lately and that has prompted us to move in a different direction, which is a vague way of saying I need to start watching my ass a little more carefully.

I could also be getting complacent. My friend's acting on Sunday (a play at the Lincoln Center,) was hugely inspiring for me. I was so proud to see someone I know making it so far in the acting world, and it got me thinking about my own path for making my dreams come true. I need to get the ball moving. Soon.

So that's pretty much what's been on my mind. I'll have little time to think about things over the next month because I've got a full calendar of events, friends from out of town, and moving apartments to do over the next few weeks.

And I still haven't gone to the beach more than once this summer.

The Aggressive Girl From The Bronx

Another wave of new girls has come through the store this week. The week hasn't even been up yet and I was asked out by one of them tonight.

It's a funny thing because it seems like over the last few years I've been encountering a lot of aggressive women here in New York. L was pretty aggressive with me (even though that was disappointing.) PG is pretty aggressive even as a friend. (I almost don't have to do any work. Then again, I never really went after the girl-- they tend to come to me. It's not an ego thing. I think a lot of it has to do with me being passive. And a little shy.)

Now here's another one. And I shouldn't say aggressive-- more like, assertive. Bronx (where she's from,) has only known me in passing this whole week. Just Hi and Bye in the hallways and at lunch. We were walking the same direction on Fifth Avenue yesterday after work, so we took a moment to talk a bit. By the time I headed off to the train, she offered to give me her phone number. By the time I got to B's house to check on her cat, she called me and asked me out.

I was pretty flattered because it happened so fast. No games, no wait-a-few-days, none of that. Just: boom. Direct. Kind of refreshing (plus for her.)

It makes me wonder if that's what I need to do with women nowadays. Become more assertive. Just go for it and stop playing these stupid games. If you're in, you're in. If not, see-ya-bye. Then again, maybe I shouldn't do anything and just let them come to me.

So we met up tonight. It was a goodbye work thing for her since she just started with us, and I was the only one who didn't know anyone before tonight. By her second drink we were dancing. By her third drink she was all up in my shit. Grinding my leg. Grabbing my neck. Arms around me. Hand holding through the club. Rubbing my head (and I do have very soft monkey hair.)

It kind of threw me off a bit because it was almost too assertive. We talked on the phone last night while I was cat-sitting. All I could get from her was that she was looking for a relationship and that she gets a lot of guys who end up looking for more than a friendship. It was a mixed message to me because on the one hand, she pursuing me. On the other, am I supposed to think that she's not interested?

So I decided to play along tonight. Since I'm getting up for a date with PG tomorrow anyway, it gave me an opportunity to leave early, which I hope gave her the message that I'm not clingy. Since she was a little tipsy I asked how she was getting home. One of her homeboys would be sharing a cab with her tonight. So I thanked her and left.

I think she's really pretty, but I'm not initially "gung-ho" for her. Now, going with the theory that my radar is backwards and I'm usually really attracted to jerk-women right off the bat (like L, for example,) I wonder if this would mean that she might actually be someone I should be interested in.

I don't know yet. There is the work thing, but we work on different floors, so I wouldn't see it as a problem. But I should figure out if she just wants to be friends and was just a little too friendly tonight because of the Coronas (another plus for her.)

Bronx has my attention so far. She made it clear that she is available to talk any time. And she's made it clear that she's interested in me on some level. So we'll just have to see what happens next.

(...)

On a side note, I am expecting to see that girl from back-home tomorrow, the one I used to like. PG will be coming as my wingman/smokescreen (and to up the I'm-not-really-available-factor; I know, Mind Games again.) Also a good move for me because she'll be a way out should things get uncomfortable. That, and we just patched things up the other day, so I want to also test the waters regarding her and I (another post on that.)

It'll be an interesting week starting tomorrow.

Am I There Yet?

I remember a tarot card reading I had almost ten years ago.

It was a Saturday, and I was working at the local market. There were a lot of vendors selling their wares, but I came to notice a special tent with a sign for readings only $5. I had always had an apprehension about the spiritual plane outside of religion, but this was due to my father's own point of view that such things were "of the devil."

Still, curiosity got the better of me and I took a break to enter the tent. There was nothing special about this tent-- it was your run-of-the-mill psychic expert tent, complete with exotic looking rugs and incense. The lady behind the table was homely with kind eyes. You could tell she was an easy-going person.

She offered me the cards and asked me to shuffle. I did like I was told and she drew the cards for the reading. Judging from her reaction, I had done something pretty unique; I pulled 11 of 22 "special" cards, which was a little unusual for a first-time reading. Maybe she was joshing me, I don't know, but I listened intently.

I don't remember a lot of the reading, but I do remember her mentioning how I would need to overcome a certain obstacle in my life before I can truly be happy.

(...)

I sometimes think about those words when I have days like this. It makes me wonder if I've learnt what I was supposed to yet, because life isn't too happy right now.

But it was only one tarot card reading.

Gestures

I can't imagine that the three cups of coffee I had 10 hours ago should be keeping me awake right now.

I just got back from B's place, where I checked on her cat while she's been away. I had criticized her for being a "bad mom" since she's been leaving the poor thing all alone for days at a time over the last month. Mind you, she leaves plenty of food and water, but how much entertainment is there for a cat all alone?

Her recent absences have been due to a lot of traveling lately, and I offered my services because I feel bad for the cat. We've become better friends over the last few months since we made up, and she's really taken a shine to me in a good way. She also seems a lot happier, which I think is due to her getting over her ex.

Just the same, I thought that somebody should check on her cat to make sure she didn't die, or anything.

She is such a slob, sometimes. I decided to straighten out the little messes that had been left since my last visit, which was about a week ago. I washed a few dishes, folded a few blankets, and cleaned out the litter box. It all took about 10 minutes.

It was when I started cleaning up that I had a twinge of a second thought. Rolled up in the sheets was a string bikini.

I didn't think B would mind, but it did occur to me that she might not jive with the idea of me touching her intimates. I simply thought it would be nice that I cleaned up for her a little, seeing that I understand how frustrating it is to come back to a dirty home.

I hemmed and hawed for a moment, decided I was being an idiot, and folded the damn thing up, anyway. I played with the cat for a few hours, watched a movie, took out the trash, and was on my way.

(...)

On the drive home I realized how important gestures are to me in the terms of a relationship. I think it matters what you say to and about each other in any relationship, but it matters more what you do. And it's the little things that really speak volumes to me.

It's frustrating sometimes, because I try to do those little things for people and it seems like they go unnoticed. I've become less sensitive over the years about it, but I cannot change this part of me. I will always do the little things that I think count between two people.

But I don't think B will disregard my actions, big or small. I think she's one of the few people in my life who do notice these things because she's done them for me in the past. That was one of the reasons I wanted to fight to keep her around.

I'm glad she decided to stick around.

Diner Of Doom/She Blinked First

I must never go to Coffee Shop again.

It is a minefield of beautiful women. Sensory. Overload. Every female employee there, in almost every ethnicity, was. Fucking. Hot. And the majority of the female customers were beautiful as well.

Food was pretty good. A little expensive. Service was good. The wait for our food sucked.

And the bevy of gorgeous women more than made up for it.

Believe me. I used to work in a strip club. I knew a lot of pretty hot girls who danced. But these women-- not a hint of plastic anywhere. Each one was 100% natural, just like my OJ-- a plus for me when it comes to diners (the OJ, I mean.) I needed an extra glass just to cool down.

So I must never go there again, because I must have fallen in love, like, every 25 seconds.

...

I think I'll have brunch there next week. ; {)

(...)

This more than offsets last night, when PG showed up at a party I was already at. It was bound to happen, I guess-- the party was for a co-worker. But I thought the twinge in my stomach was due to the fact that I was expecting to run into L since I was in her neighborhood. (Update: L had e-mailed me when she got back from her trip a few weeks ago. I have not replied or called her back. I think she got the message.)

So, just like all week at work, we didn't look at each other or make conversation. We greeted each other with a kiss on the cheek during introductions, just to be polite. It was interestingly uncomfortable and fun at the same time. It was a small party of no more than 10 of us, but I kept talking to other people and not PG.

Then it happened.

I caught her stealing a quick glance at me. It was in a brief moment and she tried to pass it off like she was looking elsewhere, but it was so obvious. I had looked at her, too, but I made sure she didn't notice.

Later, when everybody else got up from us, there was a slight lull of weird silence. I kept my head turned toward the TV and watching sports. (Note: I never watch sports.) She decided to speak to me.

Her: "So, my friend, (so-and-so,) is coming."

Me: "Oh, that's cool."

Her friends came over. The friends came over to talk to me, breaking the ice by commenting about my jacket. I sat down on the arm of the chair PG was sitting in, my back to her. She reached out and pinched my butt. I looked at PG and smiled, but only briefly, and looked away.

I was having so much fun ignoring her, I almost felt bad, so I decided to test the waters a little bit. PG and I were sitting kitty corner, and her foot was touching my leg. I paused my conversation for a minute, looked at her deadpan and said:

"Excuse me, but could you please stop touching me?"

The look on her face was funny because I scared her. She mumbled "I'm sorry," quickly and looked away. I turned and slapped her knee playfully to let her know I was joking.

It was then I realized that I was still in control of this situation. Whatever I've been doing (by not doing it) is working in my favor. So it was no surprise to me that when we got to the club we were supposed to be at, PG and her girls went in with us, and briefly left a few minutes later. I'm sure she had other places to be, but being around me wasn't high on her list of priorities.

No matter. There were some cute girls from a bachelorette party seated next to our table.

And on their way out they passed me in line for the restroom. Even though PG just walked by me, her friend gave me a kiss on the cheek. That was a nice touch.

The Stand-Off

PG and I haven't talked since Saturday's fucked-up-ness. She tried to call me on Sunday. I didn't pick up and messaged her to "Enjoy the rest," of her weekend. She tried to call me again. I told her "We'll talk later." And that's been the end of it.

I didn't want to take her call because I was too angry for what she did, which was straight out diss me-- again.

But now it's turned into the I'm-not-talking-to-you-right-now game. The last time PG dissed me, I didn't talk to her for a week. She seems to have remembered that as our passings at work have been minimal and we've gone into a "professional-only" kind of banter. Other than that, she will leave the room I'm in and vice-versa. And whenever we do cross each other, we're not looking at each other. Forcedly. It's like a staring contest to see who blinks first.

(...)

Now I'm not really used to this, but I kind of like it. To me, it presents a new area of exploration for my relationships-- tension. I didn't used to like tension. I would always be the first to blink. This was because my esteem depended on people liking me. I would do almost anything to "fix" a problem between me and my friends, regardless of fault. But I realized that sometimes the relationship would fail anyway, and for almost no reason.

Now I know where I went wrong. If someone had wronged me in the past, I would just excuse the matter for the sake of saving the friendship.

I realize now why this is wrong. A part of relationships (for me) is about setting boundaries.

This brings me into how I'm choosing to handle PG. I want to "deal" with her. On my terms. I don't want to talk to her at work. I don't want to talk to her on the phone. I want a drag-out-let's-bitch-it-out-face-to-face, kind of talk.

And I want to win.

So I'll wait. I know that somewhere down there, she wants to talk to me, too, but is fronting because she's trying to be tough about it. I also didn't want to talk to her right away because I know she'd be passing the buck.

And now that it's been almost a week, I also realize that the point is not really to win the battle. The point is also to see if I'm willing to stand up for myself this time. And to see if she'll rise to the challenge.

If not, then at least I'll have my answer.

But I think it'll just be a stand-off for now. There'll be a gun fight at noon.

I just don't know which day.

Besides, a little tension is good now and then.

Why Am I Surprised?

I hate clubs.

It's a strange twist of irony. I used to work in nightclubs. I used to bartend in them. I use to manage nightclubs. I even want to own one someday.

But I hate going to them.

I don't mind paying for cover. I don't mind paying for drinks. I don't mind paying for a bottle of alcohol.

But I hate waiting in line. I hate being on someone's "list," because it almost never works out. (By the way, people, there is no "list." That's just a scam to get people in early. If the "list" is only for 20 people and you're the 21st, guess what? You're fucked.)

And I hate having to "work things out" with the people who invited me and my friends out, just because one of us arrived a few minutes late.

(...)

I've said it before. PG is a different person when it comes to nightlife. It's like she goes from being a sweet, funny, fun-loving gal at work to a total social bitch. And she pulled the same shit tonight that she did 6 months ago.

I'm not mad that myself and the little group of friends from work I came with were asked to leave. This was because we renegged on buying $550 (2 bottles) worth of alcohol-- this was because PG left our group outside when we were ALL IN LINE TOGETHER!

I'm not mad about that. I was ready to pay a cover charge for us to get in. But I wasn't gonna have a repeat incident like last time-- having to wait outside for over an hour while PG feigns helpless.

So I took a chance and told the doorman we were going to get a table.

It didn't work out. We were asked to leave if we weren't buying any bottles. I even got lectured by the doorman with a bouncer standing right next to me. I just let the kid spout off to me about how he was a drug dealer and I couldn't get one over on him. Yada-yada-yada.

Whatever.

I'm not even upset that PG invited us out and didn't even look out for us getting in. We would have paid the cover. We would have chipped in for the table. But it was our managers, the girls from work, and us.

I'm pissed because she didn't look out for the people who constantly take care of her. The other kid I was with always buys her Starbuck's or Jamba Juice at work. Almost every day. The other guy, who was outside, cuts her hair for free. She and I share lunch almost every day. And guess who were the guys left standing outside?

Why am I surprised, then? Maybe I thought this wasn't going to happen. But she made a choice. Take care of the managers and the girls (they had just come from dinner,) forget the others. I'm pissed because she invited us all out and said we were going to be all right if we got in as a group.

I'm not so surprised. A part of me wants to tear her head off. But she's not worth it. I know come Monday she'll be trying to weasel her way as to how much she tried to get us in, and why couldn't we wait just a little longer, and how I shouldn't have said we were going to get a table.

The truth is she wants to have a lot of friends. But she wants to keep them separated. There are a few of them from work that cross over into her life outside. But it just became clear tonight that I must not be that good of a friend to her.

I have my separate groups of friends, too. But I don't invite you out unless I'm ready to take care of you-- just in case. If you're the last one outside, I'm getting you in. If you've got no money, I'll pay your way. Leave no one behind. But we work this shit out before-hand.

(...)

I guess I should re-evaluate how much PG really means to me. I was *this* close to putting all the other asshole shit behind and willing to give her another shot. And maybe I am taking this all a little too personally, but I just feel that when you're making such an effort with someone it should count for something. And I felt that we were becoming better friends.

Perhaps we're just not meant to be the kind of friends that I deserve to have in my life. And I don't have any more room for half-assed friends anymore.

A Year From Now

My latest obsession: Sudoku.

I have a tendency of catching on to fads just after they've gone over big. It's just that I'd rather discover something on my own and choose to like it, rather than like it just because everyone else does.

So I've been spending a few of my idle moments using my clever powers of deduction and mental prowess to solve the puzzles that are Sudoku. It makes me feel smart knowing I can reason myself into figuring out where, why, or why not a "9" should go in a little square. I catch myself saying out loud, "Well, it can't go here or here, but over here..." I actually feel like my brain has started to replace a few of it's missing cells that were lost during "The Seven-Year Binge of '99."

Just a little something I'm doing to try and improve myself.

(...)

I wish I were smart enough to follow my own advice sometimes.

I shouldn't say smart enough. Maybe brave.

It has been almost a year since I've met PG and I can't seem to shake my fondness for her. Even though she's miserable about these two guys she is currently seeing. Her recent melancholy at work has been kind of a turn off for me, but I find myself still wanting to care. And that, in turn, is making me care.

We still go to lunch together. She still splits the bill with me. We're still making plans to hang out and grab coffee. And we're still making plans on doing something nice for each other's birthdays. Hers is this weekend; mine is past.

She is so blind about the fact that I still have a crush on her. She just thinks I'm making passes at her to be funny. And I am. Partially. And I don't know if the "feeling" I have that she likes me back (but doesn't know it yet,) is really just a fairy tale I'm telling myself just because I don't want to let go of an impression I had almost a year ago. Some days I really do believe that it's the truth-- other days I'm cynical and think I'm the one that's nuts.

I still don't think this is a good time to come clean. It would only get lost in the shuffle of her own turmoil. And I've listened to her problems; the shit she's going through right now is very typical of the kinds of things I went through a few years ago. It took me a few years to get my head out of that mess. If anything, all I learned is that you have to ask yourself in any given situation, Will all this really matter a year or two from now?

And that is what I'm asking myself now. The usual answer is always No.

But there is a small part of me that hopes for the Yes.

Even after all these years.

Sweet Dreams

I don't know what's going on with me but I went from needing 8 hours of sleep a night to waking up after only 5 hours. Maybe I finally caught up on all that sleep I missed out when I was bartending...

Anyway, today's call to the Land of consciousness was due to a little dream I was having about work, which turned into me thinking out new ways to get what I wanted. First, I was imagining what would happen if my job had strong-armed me into changing my day off.

The answer was simple. I would quit.

Then I wondered what I would do if they didn't honor my request for a significant raise (have been in the same position for 2 years and all I got was a stinkin' 50 cent raise!) See ya, bye!

Then I was thinking about how I would go about asking for such a significant raise. Arguments like, "I've proven myself," and "I love my job," and "You need me more than I need you," started coming up. And I instantly felt better. Yes, there would be no way that they could say no to that. "Here you go, RM, $10,000 raise!" My plan was flawless.

It was just about at that point when I started coming to. The only flaw in my plan was that IT WAS JUST A DREAM! Curses!

But at least I feel rested now.

Wanting The Last Laugh

I'm a little excited about the coming few weeks.

An old friend from high school will be coming into town for a visit in a few weeks. I would normally be excited to see anyone from high school since it's been almost ten years, but I'm a little more enthused about this one. See, she was one of those girls that got away.

It was your typical boy-meets-girl/girl-doesn't-like-boy/they-become-friends, then-enemies/then-friends-again kind of relationship. The part where she didn't like me was pretty bad. The part where we had a pretty big fight was even worse. I was pretty broken up about it. But I came through for her at a party sometime later and was instantly redeemed. Then when I first moved to New York, she was there for me during my time of need. So we've been cool ever since.

Actually, we've been "friends" since the 8th grade, but I lost touch with her over the last 7 years or so. Over the last two years, though, I've called her a few times for her birthday and have chatted with her here and there.

I spoke to her today for a belated birthday wish and she brought up the fact that she'll be coming into the city soon. She invited me for a drink.

It's funny, but after all these years, I still want to see if we can hit it off. Even though we live, like, 3000 miles away from each other. But I want to see if I can get her. Just so I can say that I can. Or I did. Yeah! I got the girl that got away! I'm fuckin' pimp, man!

It's like I have something to prove. I've noticed that. I think somewhere inside of me is a guy who has a big chip on his shoulder and wants to take on the whole world just because of it.

I don't even know what she looks like or if I'll find her attractive, but a part of me still wants her.

Just to get the last laugh.

Travel Tips

On Flight Check-In/Baggage:
The internet is a wonderful tool when it comes to travel. It is always a good idea to use the online links to confirm your reservations at least 24 hours before your flight leaves.

However... Just make sure the computer has a printer (with paper) attached. That way you're not scrambling to cut to the front of the line to get your boarding passes printed at the last minute, thus angering other passengers.

On Travel To/From The Airport:
It's always nice to have a friend(s) who are willing to pick you up and take you to the airport, that way you can save valuable time and money on public transportation/taxis/airport shuttles. But I especially recommend using long-term parking if you have a vehicle. If you think about it, it's worth the $40-50 bucks in parking for a few days versus the same in cab fare.

However... Be sure said friend(s) are reliable so you're not having to make last-minute plans to take public transportation to get to the airport. At three in the morning. Very. Bad. Idea.


On Dining Before You Leave:
If you're on vacation or just passing through, it's a good idea to pick up a guide to find interesting places to dine. They usually offer coupons and discounts to make your dining experience a good one.

However... Try not to dine at any restaurant OUTSIDE OF THE AIRPORT two hours before your flight leaves. Fast-food, maybe. But it's a bad idea to eat at a sit-down place that close to flight time. (You might be saying to yourself, "Well, duh!," but some people, like myself, actually thought there was enough time.) You'll not only avoid (barely) making your flight by the skin of your teeth, but you'll avoid having to run across the airport on a full stomach. And you won't have to drive back to an out-of-the-way airport the next day to retrieve your bag.


On Flying With Other People's Children:
I cannot believe parents today. It's one thing when you see a parent struggling with an upset child. You forgive their kid's kicking and screaming-with-reckless abandon. Sure, they're not used to flying. Or they wanted chocolate and not pretzels. Or they wanted to watch Spongebob with Billy (who's sitting in the aisle on the other side.)

However... I have very. Little. Patience. For parents who are adept at tuning out their own children, thus subjecting myself and the other annoyed passengers on the plane to shouting every five minutes, getting up to the bathroom every ten, and having a screaming match to quiet their own kids down. And Mom is just quietly sitting and reading her magazine, while Dad is fussing with the twins. I do recommend you purchase an MP3, though. With the volume ALL THE WAY UP.

And I think I should look into those noise-canceling headphones. I think they go for about $50 in the in-flight store.

But so does a few bottles of Jack. That should about cancel any noise.

Whatever

So I'm here in Florida on vacation and something keeps bothering me.

PG is also here visiting family. It's come up that her mother wanted to know if I would be coming to Orlando for a visit.

It all kind of started as a joke when I met PG's parent's a few months ago. They came by the store, and I kind of said something about coming over for dinner. Now it's a more of a question about whether or not it's the right thing to do.

I talked it over with PG a few times before last week. She didn't sound too receptive to the idea. We talked about it again when I landed and I only said I hope to see her, but only if it works out.

So it puzzles me that she would ask me yesterday when I'm lying out on the beach as to when I'm coming over. So I call her back and tell her I have to talk it over with my friends (who are also my ride.) I tell her I'll call later in the evening.

She doesn't answer. I call again this morning. No answer.

I guess she doesn't want me to stop by. Oh well.

A Little Detail About A Little Relationship,,,

Okay people, I have a very simple question to ask you:

At what point do you decide to disclose that you're in a serious relationship with someone else while you're "seeing" another person?

So, between the second and third bites at brunch today, I asked L with whom she was going to Mexico with over the 4th of July weekend. This was our second date in two weeks, aside from the little coffee break we had the other night.

"Oh," she said. "My boyfriend."

It was the sound the DJ makes when he winds down the record that went off in my head. I think my ears popped a bit, because the music got a teeny bit louder.

I'm not upset with this new little piece of information I just received. I'm a little more bothered by the fact it wasn't said to me the other night when I made a move to kiss L (and was deftly denied by the cheek.) I wasn't subtle about it, either. I fuckin' went for it. Twice.

Excuse me miss, but WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?!? It occurred to me that if I hadn't asked about her trip today she probably wouldn't have said anything either. And the flirting and the midnight phone calls would have ensued.

I played it off today just fine. We even went for an ice cream afterward before I dropped her off at home. We had talked about going to the movies when she gets back from her trip, even.

But I think I'll decidedly become "busy." That's if she calls back. It's a bummer, too, because I thought she was someone I could get into.

Be-Foe You Wreck Yo-Self

Ack. I just caught myself.

I thought I had pledged to not put all my "eggs" in one basket anymore, and to stop pining for just one girl. The point of this was to avoid getting all wrapped up like I used to do over said girl.

But I was doing just that.

I mean, I would put L at the top of my list. I haven't really gone out with anyone else yet, but that's because I'm flat broke and can't even afford a hot dog right now.

So I better just check myself.

Right. Now.

Am I Up For This?

She's playing hard-to-get.

She's playing hard-to-get, or she's not interested.

After about 5 days of silence, I get a text message reply from L. I had left her the following message after calling her on Thursday:

Me: Can't tell if it was your phone or mine, but there was a lot of static when I called. How are ya? Playing hard to get already?

A whole day passes.

Her (reply after 24 hours): Lol no silleee isn't it gorgeous out

I sent her another message, telling her I was searching for glass repair shops for my car window. I didn't get a message from her until 3 hours later, when I was sleeping, and her phone sent the same message 6 times. I couldn't be fucked to send her another text so I just went to sleep.

I feel like I'm too old for this shit. I don't mind a little gameplay here and there. I don't mind the little poke-me games and hot/cold I get from PG... because she's 21. And I didn't get the impression that L was like that. I thought she was someone who knows what she wants. She did make the first move after all and decided to invite me online.

Eh. I'm also too tired to figure this out right now. All I know is that she's 30 and could be playing games and I'm 27 and don't want to be played (again.) So I guess it's up to me to shit or get off the pot. I hope I'm wrong about this whole thing, but the voice inside my head is calling it like it sees it-- just like it did with PG. She likes you man, but she's probably playing games with you to find out how serious you are. Are you up for this? You gonna let her win at this game?

I honestly don't know. I don't even think I would know how to turn the tables in my favor.

I also hate playing games. But it's like that hate you have for something but do it anyway.

Nothing Personal

I'm faced with a kind of weird limbo in Dating World. It feels like a multiple-choice question.

Q: You've just had a date with an amazing woman last Friday. You've both made plans to see each other again. When you call her to make plans on Monday, you leave a voicemail. It's now Thursday night and she hasn't called back. Which is most likely to be the reason she hasn't replied?

a.) She's lost her phone and your number at a party on the Jersey Shore. She'll probably call you at the beginning of next week when she gets it back. Next time leave your phone number on the message, silly!

b.) She's really tied down with work right now. She'll probably call you this weekend to make plans and apologize for being too busy to drop a line.

c.) Ouch! You made a bad impression on her during your date together and she is blowing you off this week so you'll get the message that she's not interested. She'll probably call you in a month or so and say that she's been "busy" so that you won't feel so bad, then invite you to a "friendly" barbecue or something. Sorry, brother!

d.) She really did have a great time on your date and is trying not to be too eager (just like you are) to make plans with you for next time. She'll call you (6-day rule) this Saturday and invite you to a laid-back, chillin' activity. Like a barbecue or something.

e.) Sorry, dude. She's been seeing other guys and you've just been voted The Weakest Link. Better luck next time! Go dust yourself off and meet some more women.


(...)

There could be a million reasons why a girl doesn't call you back. It doesn't suffice it to even go into the kind of frenzy my esteem has been experiencing over the last few days. And it doesn't help that the model I asked to coffee today was married. (But at least that was something out of my control-- I can't help it if you're married, you know?) A few weeks ago I had just turned 27 and was feeling like I could ask out any woman and they would say yes. Today I feel like a teeny, tiny, little (rejected) turd.

Granted, my date, "L", and I have only known each other a few weeks. But even before our date, L would at least call me the next day and reply to my message, so this prolonged silence seems odd.

I'm baffled. A little. I sent her another text message tonight, but no reply.

I'm pretty sure nothing bad's happened to her. And I was pretty sure we had a good time. And I was pretty damn sure we were going to have another date. So why the sudden brush off?

I guess I'm all right. Not too shaken up about it, especially since we haven't known each other that long. But I guess it could be foretelling of the long and rejected road of dating that I have yet to experience. What better way to prepare for acting than this, right? I always wondered if my love life and my career would be one and the same.

If she doesn't call by Monday I will leave her a message with my number. If I don't get a call back this time next week, I can assume it's not gonna go anywhere. Besides, I'll probably be having dinner with this cute ex-personal trainer that lives in my sister's building. No. Hard. Feelings.

And that's the way I'll have to look at dating from now on.

Nothing personal.

An Extra Helping Of Life

Just when you think you've had enough on your plate, life comes along and gives you a few more helpings.

Between dating, working, and trying to find a new place to live-- of all things, my car gets broken into the other night. It's not the first time this has happened, but it's one of those things that makes you wonder why you need that one more thing on top of everything else.

I have more pressing matters to worry about, like when I'm going to ask the hot Czech model out for coffee today (last chance to do it.) Or when I should buy my next vacation ticket. Not how much a new window will cost me, or whether or not I should price one out at a junkyard.

It's a funny thing, too, because in my perspective on money, something always happens right when I need a little extra money for something else.

But I guess that's just how life has been going for me lately. Always keeping my head right above the water-- never really getting out of the pool. And I guess you could say I've been getting better at swimming.

Now, on to more pressing matters. Do I shower now, then make breakfast? Or should I shave first, then make an omlette?

Life is so hard sometimes.

Huh?

I was having a great day. This was because of a wonderful weekend on a date with a new girl (will be posting that soon,) and meeting two other newer girls I will be making plans with in the near future.

But somehow, whenever I'm in a pretty good mood, PG is in a pretty bad one. Not all the time, but we're sometimes pretty opposite like that. And vice versa.

We've managed to remain pretty cool to each other over the last few weeks, despite the fact that I've not been hanging out with her during lunch like I usually do. I finally decided to move on from my crush on her, and have since been exploring new options (like dating women outside of the workplace.) However, my recent aloofness had caused me to notice a slight hostility between us. I think it's got something to do with us hanging out on my birthday and me leaving her apartment, choosing not to pursue her beyond us being just friends, and not confessing the fact that I fancied her. I don't know if that's the reason, but since that day, PG has been acting a little more coquettish with me, playing the hot/cold angle here and there.

Now PG has been keeping an active social-butterfly lifestyle since I've known her. And I know that she's dating other people here and there. And we haven't even crossed into that situation ourselves. But there exists a tension between us that I'm sure has something to do with, well... us.

But I've been wrong before. And as it stands now, it just doesn't add up for me to try and get involved.

So today after work I offered to help her with a pretty large delivery that needed to be taken up the street. Afterward, we walked to the subway. I tried to catch up with her during those brief few minutes. She invited me to a party tomorrow night. I said I'd think about it.

Then I jokingly launched into how we used to get along. I decided to use a tactic B says to me all the time. "Blah, blah, blah... So, don't hate me if I'm hot," I said.

"Oh no," she replied. "That's not the reason I hate you."

"Well I'm sure you'll tell me why when the time is right."

"Maybe," she replied.

We parted ways because she had to meet up with her father. She thanked me for the help with her delivery and we kissed on the cheek and said we would see each other tomorrow. As I was walking away, the last little exchange we had started to sink in. It seemed like it was all a joke, but suddenly it wasn't. All her little snaps at me over the last few weeks that I didn't really notice started to make sense.

And then I got really, really confused.

Huh? What the fuck did I do? Was she joking?

I couldn't tell. And maybe her responses were designed that way-- to throw me off and confuse.

But as they say: There's a little truth to every joke.

Are They Just Assholes Or Am I Over-Sensitive?

I used to think that when you were friends with someone, there is a line you should never cross. Some people are just sensitive about certain things, and one should not go there out of respect for one another.

It seems like some of the people I've chosen to be friends over the last two years seem to think it's okay to take little jabs at my esteem. I don't know why I chose to be friends with such spiteful people, but I intend to fix that. Quickly.

Example: I've told a friend at work that I liked PG. Now this, of course, was in confidence, but I also told him because he tends to get a little too "friendly" with women at work and makes sexual comments and stuff. This doesn't bother me, nor does it seem to bother them. It's that he's making them at her that bothers me. While I'm in the room.

Now I realize a few things here:
1.) In lieu of everything, PG isn't my girl. I realize that this is the important thing to remember.
2.) That is part of his accepted behavior at work. I've heard how women think he's "harmless," or it's "just Him," etc. I won't go into detail about it, but it's beyond the usual flirty, double-meaning/innuendo banter. No groping, but definitely touching.
3.) It might be that I'm jealous.
4.) Or that I find it to be a slap in the face to me.

I have approached said friend about his behavior, but he has either chalked it up to, "Oh, well, PG and I have an 'understanding,'" or "That's just who I am." Then he would dodge the subject by talking about something they shared about me. Like his behavior is a small price to pay for the "inside information" he can get to tell me. Or, he's just laughed it off.

This is the problem that I see: YOU'RE FUCKING COCK-BLOCKING ME, ASSHOLE!!!

Case in point. Another girl at work, with whom he does those same "things" to, has decided to ask him out. Now this girl has a boyfriend. We'll just say that I don't think she's asking him out for a cup of coffee. And I think a lot of it has to do with his so-called "behavior."

Personally, I don't do those things because it's gotten me in trouble before. Almost-getting-fired-in-trouble. I learned my lesson years ago: It's just better not to go there. Sure, you'll find someone you like and the two of you will hit it off. But do that stuff outside of work. Or at least when no one is around.

Anyway, I started thinking about this only because the other day it happened that he made a comment about her ass while I was in the room. She blushed, called him an Ass, laughed, and left. I tried to block it out, but after they both left I started seeing red. Did he just make a pass at her? In front of me?!? I've seen him do other things before. He's grabbed her to tickle her. Smelled her hair. It's like he's marking her as territory. I just see a huge dog peeing all over the woods. Mine! Mine! Mine! I think that's why it's pissing me off so much.

A part of me says to just toughen up. Things will play out the way they're supposed to. On the one hand, it only matters whether or not PG and I end up together. On the other, if it doesn't happen, it just wasn't meant to be.

But in either case, I'll have to be careful from now on. He's proven to me that he isn't really my friend. And I think that's really the point in all of this.

Secrets

B and I had it out the other night.

After a series of misunderstandings, fuck-you-hang-up phone calls, and text messages, we finally met up on Thursday. The way I saw it, our friendship was in serious question, and I got the feeling that the only person who would take it badly was me. So I decided to do something about it.

We met up for a drink at my favorite (cheap) watering hole called Subway Inn, which is a great name considering it's right across from the train station. That way we both had a way out in case things went bad. I got our first round of shots and B started into me.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

Cute. Well, what did I want to talk about? It was complicated. Our misunderstanding was the result of her ex-boyfriend's penchant for secrecy-- some things of which I haven't been privy to. I wanted to defend myself under the basis of "plausible deniability," but it wasn't so clean-cut. I argued that I was friends with them both and they've both told me secrets they didn't want the other to know. "Well, technically, we were broken up," she replied. Whatever.

It took a couple of rounds of cheap whiskey, but we finally worked things out. I told her that I didn't think the last year we spent together was worth throwing away because of a little he-said/she-said. She opened up after a while, explaining the reasons why she could cut people off from her life. She has some real deep-seated trust issues which pretty much explained everything.

Then things got really interesting. "You know what's funny," she started, after taking her 5th shot. "I told some friends we were meeting tonight and they thought you would be confessing that you had feelings for me. Isn't that funny?"

I smiled and said nothing. Fuck. I didn't want to broach that subject with her, though the thought did cross my mind. "Because," she continued, "I don't think you feel about me that way, and I sure don't feel that way about you..."

I didn't say anything for a while. I had been thinking about where I stood with my feelings for her over the last few days. The truth is I wasn't sure. Maybe a year ago there was a pretty big crush, but now? I thought back to when it started to fade away, but that only reminded me about how much I really do like her. I had just decided that it wasn't worth getting into it with her.

Later, we took a cab home. She started to get queasy during the ride and had rolled down the window. We held hands while she tried to get a grip on her spinning head. "You know, I love you," she started to say. I didn't know what she meant by that because it was the first time she said anything to me so endearing. I was a little tipsy, too. "Hah," I said, "you slipped." I thought about my feelings again. A drunken cab ride home didn't seem like the place to say anything.

We got to my house and I put her in my car. I sobered up and drove her home. After putting her to bed, I slept over for a few hours and drove back home in the morning.

The whole way I thought of where we would go from here. I knew that eventually I would have to say something about this. We agreed that from here on out, our friendship would be about just the two of us. No more now-ex-boyfriends. I realized that what happened that night was a good thing, and I would have to be careful about building trust between us from now on.

But I still wonder if I should have come clean about my feelings for her.

PG And The (Sort-Of) Lunch Disaster

PG came to lunch today with my sister and niece. I didn't really intend on inviting her; she kind of invited herself.

Me: "So, I don't know if you included me in your lunch plans, but I'm eating out today."
PG: "Okay. Where do you want to go?"
Me: "Well, I'm meeting my sister out."
PG: "Great! I'll come."

I couldn't help feeling that the invitation was pretty sly, but I decided it was fine because I'd been taking an interest into getting to know her better as a friend. And what better way to get to know someone than by exposing them to your family, especially cute little nieces. I remembered a story my friend Tommy would tell me about using his niece at the mall to get dates. I thought a cute little niece would be perfect in getting PG to go out with me.

Little did I know things would not go well as planned.

I suffered a few embarrassing moments at lunch today. The first one was trying to garnish a kiss from my niece, who had decidedly become coy. The second was trying to pay for lunch, which resulted in me borrowing 20 bucks from my sister and PG covering the rest (because they didn't take cards.) The third was egging on my niece to give PG a compliment, which was met with resounding silence. So much for trying to charm her.

Lunch was good though. My sister and PG got on pretty well. My niece calmed down a little bit and kept taking big sips from my apple juice. Before we knew it, lunch was up and we had to get back to work. Upon tucking her in the car seat, my niece finally gave me a kiss and a cute little smile, as if to say, "Sorry to ruin your plans." Little turd.

PG looked really cute today with a new haircut she got over the weekend. A few hours after lunch she started flirting with me like she used to a few months ago. I can't figure that girl out sometimes. But even though a small part of me still likes her, it's been easier to work with her since I've taken a few steps back. I can't help but think she's taken a renewed interest in me as well. Maybe it's because I told her I was hanging out with some other girls at work over the last few weeks.

And I guess my plan worked a little bit. On the walk back, PG suggested we go to dinner sometime. After she graduates next month.

Do I Give Off The Wrong Vibe?

A funny incident happened to me the other day at work.

I was walking by the sunglass case and saw two young girls. Now, seeing younger clients isn't strange for the store I work in, let alone young people checking out designer sunglasses.

I decided to go and help them while I was on my way to send a fax. So I called out to them, asking if they needed assistance.

As I approached, fax in hand, a funny thing happened. I stopped about three feet away from them and the case, offering to open it up. One of the girls looked at me, then looked me up and down. With a strange look in her eyes, she stepped closer to her girlfriend, then the two of them uncomfortably grabbed hands and stood there, like deer in headlights.

I was practically baffled. One, because all of that happened in a matter of a moment and it was a pretty distinct message. Secondly, their message suddenly made me feel like I was a creep, even though I could swear I wasn't looking at them that way. They weren't even my type.

(...)

Another thing happened today. I went to a play with a co-worker today. While the whole thing was pretty cool, every time I tried to be cordial to her she flat out refused.

Me: "Are you thirsty? Would you like something to drink?"
Her: "No thanks."
Me: "Are you sure? It's gonna be a few hours."
Her: "I'm fine."

Later, during intermission, I offered her my jacket to cover her. It was unusually cold in the theatre (which was also strange,) and she only came dressed in a leather jacket and jeans. And the tightly crossed legs and arms were a sure sign that she must be freezing. Same thing-- complete refusal, as if I was asking to sleep with her. And the whole thing made me feel like a jerk.

I guess I'm not used to women acting so guarded around me. I don't know what's up. It might be just a few strange cases in the last few days, but I can't be sure. In an unrelated conversation, I even asked a new girl at work the other day about whether or not I make people feel weird. She said the only reason why she talks to me is because I don't look at her like a piece of meat.

So I'm at a loss.

But maybe it's something that has nothing to do with me. Right?

On Probation

So, B and I have patched things up a little bit. Actually, it was quite a bit considering we're pretty much back to our routine friendship after yesterday.

I'm here tonight, crashing on her couch, as per usual. We had a fun night of bowling, drinks, and a hella-long drive to Jersey to bring a girl from work home so she wouldn't have to ride the train and bus tonight.

Last night, I called B to ask if she wanted to partake in tonight's festivites for the co-worker who's last week it was. When we decide to go out together, we always carpool. So I popped my usual question of whether she or I were to take a car into the city. I called her at her office, and she said she would get back to me later.

I got a page from work later from the front door and called the proper extension. "You're driving," said the voice. Pause.

"Huh," I said, taking a minute to register. B was downstairs, talking with her now ex-boyfriend-- don't ask me, it's weird about those two, and I joined them for a minute.

The next thing I know, I'm being dragged to Bloomingdale's to help B shop for a handbag. We decided to take the train home together, then decided to get off at my stop to get my car. The whole way home to her house we chatted. As if nothing had happened over the last two months. Things were pretty much back to normal.

Considering that the last ride we took together was pretty much silent space, I decided to ask about our status as friends. "Am I on probation," I joked. "Yeah," she said with a smile.

Which brings us to tonight. On the way to her car, the lot of us grabbed a slice of pizza. B and I were in queue for the rest room and I decided to drive her home. (We switched cars this morning because she couldn't drive stick.) B was a little fucked up from the shots she had, so I bargained for the keys. I also made a deal that she would respect my honesty from now on. "On one condition," I started. "You have to tell me why you were mad at me."

"It wasn't what you said that made me mad," she answered. "It was that you got offended."

Offended? For being honest?? Her drunken-yet-honest answer was yes.

I still can't wrap that one around my head. But the important thing is that we're friends again.

(On a side note, the ride home was pretty funny. The whole way back from Jersey, she was passed out, but managed to mumble "Cold!" whenever I rolled the window down too low to have a smoke. After the fifth time (it was a long drive,) it became pretty funny. For me at least.)

Buono Pasqua

Easter Sunday.

I'm only slept a couple of hours because I went to bed at 6 this morning. I went to a friend's wake for his late sister yesterday, and by the time I got home at 2 a.m. I couldn't sleep, so I did laundry at the 24-hour laundromat.

While I was doing laundry, I managed to speed through the latter half of The Da Vinci Code, so by the time I got home at 4 a.m. I had about 60 pages to go. I simply couldn't put this book down without finishing, so I did precisely that.

I went to bed, knowing I accomplished two things very difficult to do (on a Sunday) for me: laundry (weekend traffic,) and finishing a book.

(...)

About 3 hours later, my phone rings. It's Boss, wishing me a Happy Easter, but in Italian.

Now I'm awake and the bags under my eyes are protesting. I am of a more adventurous mind, however, and have decided to do something unprecedented in all my Sundays: get up.

I don't think the holiday has anything to do with my sudden interest in wanting to enjoy this day.

But I'm feeling pretty religious after last night's wake and the book, so who knows.

(...)

I met some nice people at last night's gathering. My friend Arthur has surrounded his life with some pretty great folks. You can just tell that all the people in his life have good natures within themselves. I went there to dispense a few beverages, but ended up staying all the way through cleanup. I watched as Arthur's friends just kept the party going, serving food, taking plates, cleaning up. It was a little congested and confusing at times while Arthur and his mother doled out requests to the help, but things had their own way of settling in to a natural groove.

Between serving drinks and helping myself to the most amazing collection of food (yes, baked mac & cheese was there,) I just sat down off to the side. People just started talking with me, and I listened. Each one had a smile inside themselves that was hard to miss. They had some great stories, too. By the night's end I had met 6 new people, but felt like I'd known them for years and we were just catching up.

It's interesting about Arthur. He's one of those people who are so giving in their lives. You can see that his generosity comes from his upbringing and that he enjoys bringing people together. It's a refreshing sight to see especially when it comes to the way our world is today.

(...)

Normally I don't give money to people who ask, but last night was an exception. I'm getting ready to get back in the laundromat. It's 3:45 a.m. Only three people, including me, around, with the exception of the two police cruisers around the corner and the random passerby.

As always, as if out of nowhere, out comes this guy from around the corner. I've been in this scenario a million times since I've lived here. These people (not really homeless or in need,) have improved their approach over the last few years. You can tell by the look in their eyes that they're talking to you. And the "Excuse me," is also a dead giveaway. Now, you've turned and acknowledged them, because they have been so polite, giving them the chance to tell their sob story.

Now, I'm a bastard. I had decided a while ago that instead of just giving money to everyone who asks or to no one at all, I'm gonna weigh my decision to donate on whether or not I believe their story. It might have something to do with my appreciation for acting, but it's been my stance ever since. That, and after you keep seeing the same few panhandlers every other week, the whole thing gets old. Quickly. I remember a New York Post expose last year that found a woman who wrapped herself in a blanket on the city streets in one photo was found jogging Central Park in the next. And her panhandling skills apparently yielded enough dough to furnish herself in a nice Upper West Side apartment. Her discovered income was in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, and my distaste for people preying on the good nature and generosity of others was firmly established from that moment on.

So I decided to give this guy a shot. He was well-spoken, albeit a semi-drunken stupor. Dressed in worn, but not homeless, clothing, he then launched into a pretty lengthy story of his demise. Apparently, he was a just-returned soldier from Iraq, who had been the victim of a thieving hooker. Now a truck driver with only his identification, he required me to buy him a ticket to Upstate New York in order for him to get home and report for work. His elaborate plan to enlist my help involved me taking his commercial driving license as collateral for his fare, then mailing my reimbursement, provided I mail him back his id.

Now, like I said, I'm a bastard. But I'm not stupid. His story was a good one, despite a lot of things that didn't make any sense at all. But I was not about to put my life in any jeopardy on account of trusting some random dude, regardless of whether he was a soldier or not. And I wasn't about to question the validity of his alleged service to our country. That would be cynical and smart, but rude in a way. I also realized that exposing my money to a stranger was a pretty stupid move on my part.

So I decided to give him a dollar. "And how long would I have to wait for this dollar?" he asked. "Just a minute," I said. "I need to use the bathroom."

So I did. Then I gave him what I promised, thinking about how I was going to defend myself if things all of a sudden got weird. When he left, I felt a tinge of relief that he was gone. It was almost 4 a.m. and I was in the middle of a deserted Brooklyn parking lot, with only the attendant of the laundromat looking on. To be alone again was a relief.

(...)

So now I guess I'll get up and try to enjoy the rest of this day. Seems like a good day to visit The Bridge.

So Hard To Party

It is so hard to get people in this city together to do something.

Before I moved here, whenever we wanted to get together to do something in Denver, it was much simpler. A few phone calls, a common meeting place, and a few short hours later, Bam!: Instant Party.

Here in New York, a simple activity of, let's say, bowling, somehow involves a lot more time and involvement to execute.

My current frustration is trying to get a few of us together to send off one of our co-workers. Alas, he's decided that retail doesn't pay enough and will go back to waiting tables. So I took it upon myself to try and organize a little get together to celebrate his last day.

So far I've been met with a lot of frustration trying to get said get together going. It's hard enough to have an occasion to get together for, let alone trying to get people to commit to going. And since I'm the one with the idea in the first place, I'm alone in trying to get this little thing accomplished. Which, at the current rate, sucks.

I somehow wonder if there's a secret formula I'm missing out on.

A Declaration-- Of Sorts

I am officially giving up on women.

No-- this does not mean I'm forgoing the opposite sex. It just means that girls are mean and I'm going to try and enjoy being single, rather than try to enjoy chasing after them, which is not really enjoyable after all.

I think the only rule I'll have is to stop pursuing women for the time being, outside of calling friends. I don't know how long I will keep this up-- it's just for now.

So, starting today, I am a monk, if you will, and will consider myself restrained.