Yea, it's that time of the year again. Time to look back on the last 364 days of our lives and make bold, new goals for the next 365.
This Monkey has decided to look ahead to his future and make some choices. It's something I haven't done in a long time-- writing my goals down. And it's funny why I haven't because it seems like I can get a lot more done this way.
So here goes:
RECESS MONKEY'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
1.) Do one thing each week to get closer to acting professionally.
2.) Quit smoking.
3.) Drink. On occassion.
4.) Exercise. Run, join a gym, whatever. Just get in shape.
5.) Pay off all my debt.
6.) Start a savings account.
7.) Start a small investment.
8.) Read more books.
9.) Get an instrument and start playing again.
10.) Lose 10-15lbs.
11.) Get a pet.
12.) Travel more. Chicago. San Diego. San Francisco. Alaska. Seattle.
13.) Quit unavailable women (Lucky "13".)
14.) Call my family once a week.
15.) Continue writing; work on script once a week.
16.) Brush twice a day.
17.) Take more risks.
18.) Learn more about NYC. Take a walk/drive to somewhere new once every two weeks.
19.) Become more honest with myself. Dig deeper.
20.) Listen more.
21.) Be more willing to make new friends.
22.) Take on less responsibility.
23.) Laugh more.
24.) Smile more.
25.) Drink more water.
26.) Open more doors.
Since I'm 26, I'll stop there. Next year, it'll be 27.
Okay, well, I'm off. It's an occassion tonight, so I've resolved to drink.
Happy New Year!
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday, December 30, 2005
A Little Less Conversation
Still getting used to being here. It amazes me that I'm in The Big Apple and it's over a year now. Time moves right along as I walk past all the shops on Madison Avenue. A sensation comes over me.
I am home.
This is a familiar feeling. The kind where you're watching the same movie and it's like the first time all over again. I have to stop and remember because it freaks me out that I could live anywhere in the world I wanted to and I chose here.
(...)
I had coffee with Party Girl after work tonight. It's her turn to buy. We sit outside. I ask her about the guy she's seeing and her face lights up as she tells me how he lets her down. I smile because her story reminds me how I like that feeling of love. The kind of love that keeps eluding you, frustrating your every attempt to make sense of anything, keeping you on your toes about the next part of the story. It can be addicting to be in the throes of desire, at the whims of someone else's fancy.
I listen some more and ask questions, not quite ever changing the subject. There's a hint of flirting between us; a little cat and mouse between a boy and girl. Her subtle passes at me are flattering and unassuming. I smile. I volley back a few suggestive comments.
We joke about going on a date, but the laugh was uncomfortable enough to mean a little more. I pretend to take notes on my hand on how to please her in bed. "Do you spell 'satisfied' with one 'i' or two?" She says it's a bad idea to date people from work. "Well, maybe...," she coyly says while she looks at me.
It's light and playful right now. Fun. We look at each other passing in the halls of the store today and her glance hints at the mini-fantasy she's playing in her mind of us. For a minute I see the same thing. Mmmmmm.
I'm not out of reach for her. Then I catch myself and wonder if it's part of her game. But there's a little truth in it, too. She gives me those things to think about. If this is part of a devious plan, then I like the bait.
I like where I'm at with her. It's tangible, yet distant. She makes me think we have a good fit and there's room for us to play. Everything in our friendship is punctuated by what we don't say to each other. I sense that she accepts me for who I am. That her affection for me is genuine and real. There doesn't seem to be any manipulation in her manner.
No-- Not right now. I don't want to spoil the fantasy. The chase is what excites me. The ebb and flow. It's romantic in a way. There will be time later for everything else. And even if not, it is what it is.
Fun.
I am home.
This is a familiar feeling. The kind where you're watching the same movie and it's like the first time all over again. I have to stop and remember because it freaks me out that I could live anywhere in the world I wanted to and I chose here.
(...)
I had coffee with Party Girl after work tonight. It's her turn to buy. We sit outside. I ask her about the guy she's seeing and her face lights up as she tells me how he lets her down. I smile because her story reminds me how I like that feeling of love. The kind of love that keeps eluding you, frustrating your every attempt to make sense of anything, keeping you on your toes about the next part of the story. It can be addicting to be in the throes of desire, at the whims of someone else's fancy.
I listen some more and ask questions, not quite ever changing the subject. There's a hint of flirting between us; a little cat and mouse between a boy and girl. Her subtle passes at me are flattering and unassuming. I smile. I volley back a few suggestive comments.
We joke about going on a date, but the laugh was uncomfortable enough to mean a little more. I pretend to take notes on my hand on how to please her in bed. "Do you spell 'satisfied' with one 'i' or two?" She says it's a bad idea to date people from work. "Well, maybe...," she coyly says while she looks at me.
It's light and playful right now. Fun. We look at each other passing in the halls of the store today and her glance hints at the mini-fantasy she's playing in her mind of us. For a minute I see the same thing. Mmmmmm.
I'm not out of reach for her. Then I catch myself and wonder if it's part of her game. But there's a little truth in it, too. She gives me those things to think about. If this is part of a devious plan, then I like the bait.
I like where I'm at with her. It's tangible, yet distant. She makes me think we have a good fit and there's room for us to play. Everything in our friendship is punctuated by what we don't say to each other. I sense that she accepts me for who I am. That her affection for me is genuine and real. There doesn't seem to be any manipulation in her manner.
No-- Not right now. I don't want to spoil the fantasy. The chase is what excites me. The ebb and flow. It's romantic in a way. There will be time later for everything else. And even if not, it is what it is.
Fun.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Okay, That Was Awkward...
So the girl from Christmas Eve was there again last night.
My whole weekend was going fine, then she shows up.
It was as if she was put here by a higher power to taunt me. Someone up there said, "Okay, let's taunt Monkey-Boy over here by putting in front of him a beautiful girl who isn't available and make her friends with his sister so she could invite her to Christmas. Then, just for kicks, we'll make her boyfriend a semi-recovering jerk (who won't invite her to his parent's house for the holiday, forcing her to the same Christmas party Recess Monkey is at,) and we'll throw in a little jealousy and see what happens... Boy, that's gonna be a lot of fun."
The whole night we're avoiding each other aside from the obligatory hi/kiss. I distract myself by playing with the kids, but it only works for a while. Soon, the appetizers are gone and we're all sitting down on the couch. At this point, since she came with my sister, I can assume that she's told she and my brother-in-law everything, because it seems like the two of them are staying close to her to keep her away from me. This doesn't make me feel good about myself. Then, when we sit down for dinner, she sits in between the two of them, thus making me feel more shut out and like a shit.
The whole time I'm thinking of ways to excuse myself from dinner. I have to work tomorrow guys, so I'll see you around. Thanks so much. I can't bring myself to do it, and the longer I sit there the more I get angry because I cannot do anything about it. And I know everyone can tell, but they're being polite about the whole thing.
The worst part is, I look like the fucking bad guy.
I don't know what to do. Why does it feel that if I did the "right" thing by walking away, then I feel like the culprit to this whole experience gone wrong? And my sister's the kind of person who won't be honest with me. Well, I don't really know, but I'm willing to bet based on how I've seen her deal with other situations before.
Maybe it's my own insecurity getting in the way of things. Maybe nothing went wrong and I'm just imagining everything. Maybe I'm right, and I'll just have to be the bad guy on this one. But I shouldn't have to prove to my sis that I did the honorable thing in the end. Of course, it wasn't the honorable thing from the start, and that's probably where it should count for me.
The whole thing makes me feel bad because I don't know what my sister thinks and I value her opinion over everything and everyone in this case. It would hurt me if she looked at me differently based on the last couple of nights, especially because it was a mistake on my part. A mistake that didn't play out like it could have.
But nonetheless, a mistake.
My whole weekend was going fine, then she shows up.
It was as if she was put here by a higher power to taunt me. Someone up there said, "Okay, let's taunt Monkey-Boy over here by putting in front of him a beautiful girl who isn't available and make her friends with his sister so she could invite her to Christmas. Then, just for kicks, we'll make her boyfriend a semi-recovering jerk (who won't invite her to his parent's house for the holiday, forcing her to the same Christmas party Recess Monkey is at,) and we'll throw in a little jealousy and see what happens... Boy, that's gonna be a lot of fun."
The whole night we're avoiding each other aside from the obligatory hi/kiss. I distract myself by playing with the kids, but it only works for a while. Soon, the appetizers are gone and we're all sitting down on the couch. At this point, since she came with my sister, I can assume that she's told she and my brother-in-law everything, because it seems like the two of them are staying close to her to keep her away from me. This doesn't make me feel good about myself. Then, when we sit down for dinner, she sits in between the two of them, thus making me feel more shut out and like a shit.
The whole time I'm thinking of ways to excuse myself from dinner. I have to work tomorrow guys, so I'll see you around. Thanks so much. I can't bring myself to do it, and the longer I sit there the more I get angry because I cannot do anything about it. And I know everyone can tell, but they're being polite about the whole thing.
The worst part is, I look like the fucking bad guy.
I don't know what to do. Why does it feel that if I did the "right" thing by walking away, then I feel like the culprit to this whole experience gone wrong? And my sister's the kind of person who won't be honest with me. Well, I don't really know, but I'm willing to bet based on how I've seen her deal with other situations before.
Maybe it's my own insecurity getting in the way of things. Maybe nothing went wrong and I'm just imagining everything. Maybe I'm right, and I'll just have to be the bad guy on this one. But I shouldn't have to prove to my sis that I did the honorable thing in the end. Of course, it wasn't the honorable thing from the start, and that's probably where it should count for me.
The whole thing makes me feel bad because I don't know what my sister thinks and I value her opinion over everything and everyone in this case. It would hurt me if she looked at me differently based on the last couple of nights, especially because it was a mistake on my part. A mistake that didn't play out like it could have.
But nonetheless, a mistake.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Why Does The Same Lesson Suck Learning Again?
The night started out innocently enough. I got to the party at 7 after going on a last-ditch effort by my sister to get her husband a gift (she calls me at 5pm just as I'm leaving,) all punctuated by, "Can you do me a favor? Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaase!" In Christmas Eve rush hour traffic, no less. I missed the Cingular store by just a hair.
So, I drive upstate and get to the party. I walk in and there she was.
Talking to my sister is this cute blond girl with a tan. Braces. Big, doe eyes. Just adorable. She is introduced to me and I shoot a look at my sister. Is this her idea of a setup?, I thought. It's just too easy. Cute girl. Me. Every one else is married. Hmmmm. Now my sister has tried to set me up before, but mostly through comments like, "You should go out with So-and-So. You'd have beautiful babies." No, this was a pretty monumental effort. And I'm thinking, How in the fuck did she lure a cute babe out here?
The night moves on. She's from Florida. A waitress. They met dining out at her restaurant where she works. Had a good time. Invited her to come up for the Holidays. So far, so good. I'm thinking to myself, She couldn't have just said, "You should meet my brother. You'd make cute babies," Did she?
The two of us continue talking. It's pretty obvious the champagne is setting in because her moves are getting closer to me. We go outside for a cigarette. She's never seen snow before, which I think is just cute, being that I'm from Alaska. I make her a snowball with the little patch of snow from the lawn. We throw a few snowballs at the tree. We're just two kids having fun, talking away. I was thankful to my sister for setting me up. She set the trap and I went for it. Hook. Line. Sinker.
Then it happened.
Somewhere between the champagne, oysters, cigarettes and snowballs came the words, "My boyfriend and I..." Whoa. Hold up. Back up a second.
At first I wondered why he wasn't here with her. Maybe she came alone to NY. Well, something could still happen, I guess. Maybe if he wasn't...
"...visiting his folks Upstate. And oh, you should see the ring he got me today..."
The rest of the night was tainted with more wine. There was still a lot of light flirting going on. We were having a great time. Maybe the boyfriend thing doesn't matter, I thought. She got really drunk, then passed out on the couch. We finished dessert then headed back to the City. I drove her to her hotel. We walked around for a bit unable to find a bar, so we headed back to her room. Everything was going pretty smooth. I was gonna get lucky. Whoo-hoo! There is a God up there. She looked at me and started to ask a question.
Uh-oh, I thought, here it comes.
"Can I use your phone?"
The night droned on for another hour, her calling him, them fighting about her being in the City with a strange guy, and whether or not their relationship was still worth it. I could tell this was going nowhere. Here I was, sitting in this girl's hotel room while she's lying to her boyfriend, about to cheat on him. With me.
After about an hour of this I couldn't take any more. What the fuck was I doing, anyway? I got my things, kissed her goodnight (while she was lying in bed half-asleep on the phone with him,) and snuck out the door so as not to make a sound.
I got in my car and headed home, cursing at myself the whole way for being so stupid. When I got home, I lit a final cigarette and felt better that I didn't go through with the whole thing. No harm, no foul. I was gonna do something wrong, but it didn't work out. I think I felt shitty because I didn't walk away from it until the last minute, and that was only because they were still on the phone together. Fuck. Saved by default. By a technicality. Not by choice.
My best friend thinks differently. He says that it was a choice and I should be grateful. Well, maybe he's right.
The best thing for me at this point is just to get up, get dressed, and go play with the family today. Let. It. Go. Lesson learned.
Again.
For the seven-hundred-and-nineteenth time.
So, I drive upstate and get to the party. I walk in and there she was.
Talking to my sister is this cute blond girl with a tan. Braces. Big, doe eyes. Just adorable. She is introduced to me and I shoot a look at my sister. Is this her idea of a setup?, I thought. It's just too easy. Cute girl. Me. Every one else is married. Hmmmm. Now my sister has tried to set me up before, but mostly through comments like, "You should go out with So-and-So. You'd have beautiful babies." No, this was a pretty monumental effort. And I'm thinking, How in the fuck did she lure a cute babe out here?
The night moves on. She's from Florida. A waitress. They met dining out at her restaurant where she works. Had a good time. Invited her to come up for the Holidays. So far, so good. I'm thinking to myself, She couldn't have just said, "You should meet my brother. You'd make cute babies," Did she?
The two of us continue talking. It's pretty obvious the champagne is setting in because her moves are getting closer to me. We go outside for a cigarette. She's never seen snow before, which I think is just cute, being that I'm from Alaska. I make her a snowball with the little patch of snow from the lawn. We throw a few snowballs at the tree. We're just two kids having fun, talking away. I was thankful to my sister for setting me up. She set the trap and I went for it. Hook. Line. Sinker.
Then it happened.
Somewhere between the champagne, oysters, cigarettes and snowballs came the words, "My boyfriend and I..." Whoa. Hold up. Back up a second.
At first I wondered why he wasn't here with her. Maybe she came alone to NY. Well, something could still happen, I guess. Maybe if he wasn't...
"...visiting his folks Upstate. And oh, you should see the ring he got me today..."
The rest of the night was tainted with more wine. There was still a lot of light flirting going on. We were having a great time. Maybe the boyfriend thing doesn't matter, I thought. She got really drunk, then passed out on the couch. We finished dessert then headed back to the City. I drove her to her hotel. We walked around for a bit unable to find a bar, so we headed back to her room. Everything was going pretty smooth. I was gonna get lucky. Whoo-hoo! There is a God up there. She looked at me and started to ask a question.
Uh-oh, I thought, here it comes.
"Can I use your phone?"
The night droned on for another hour, her calling him, them fighting about her being in the City with a strange guy, and whether or not their relationship was still worth it. I could tell this was going nowhere. Here I was, sitting in this girl's hotel room while she's lying to her boyfriend, about to cheat on him. With me.
After about an hour of this I couldn't take any more. What the fuck was I doing, anyway? I got my things, kissed her goodnight (while she was lying in bed half-asleep on the phone with him,) and snuck out the door so as not to make a sound.
I got in my car and headed home, cursing at myself the whole way for being so stupid. When I got home, I lit a final cigarette and felt better that I didn't go through with the whole thing. No harm, no foul. I was gonna do something wrong, but it didn't work out. I think I felt shitty because I didn't walk away from it until the last minute, and that was only because they were still on the phone together. Fuck. Saved by default. By a technicality. Not by choice.
My best friend thinks differently. He says that it was a choice and I should be grateful. Well, maybe he's right.
The best thing for me at this point is just to get up, get dressed, and go play with the family today. Let. It. Go. Lesson learned.
Again.
For the seven-hundred-and-nineteenth time.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
The Road More Traveled (For Now, At Least)
Ah, the morning commute. Forget those disturbed mornings of running after the bus, fighting for a seat on the subway, waiting in overcrowded cars pressed up against someone you'd rather not be-- all for the pleasure of trudging to work (then home) in the cold of winter.
Yes, forget those days, New York City.
Welcome to my world.
Just about everywhere else in the US do workers experience the pleasure of driving. Yes-- the sloth-like crawl to the interstate, fighting over the last 3 inches between your bumper and the guy in front, only to have some jerk-off sneaking his way in front of you; and let's not forget, the stop-and-go-2-mile-an-hour pace down the roads, catching every red light.
Brings back memories, all right.
I might be the only guy who doesn't mind driving into work, despite the agony of traffic. I love my car. We've been through a lot harder journeys than this. But I would have to say that it's about the only thing I like about the TWU strike-- the chance to drive.
It would just have to happen at the most inconvenient time: a week before payday. I'm all out of money until Friday and it worries me because if this is any indication of what I will have to face, I'm gonna be a broke-ass Monkey before next payday. And a tired one, too, because I have to get up extra early to pick up a few people from work.
It's not so bad because B has been catching rides with me. But it's the planning from day to day about who I'm taking with me. One good thing about it is I get to know Brooklyn a little better.
It would be nice when this thing ends. At least I can go back to getting a little more sleep.
Yes, forget those days, New York City.
Welcome to my world.
Just about everywhere else in the US do workers experience the pleasure of driving. Yes-- the sloth-like crawl to the interstate, fighting over the last 3 inches between your bumper and the guy in front, only to have some jerk-off sneaking his way in front of you; and let's not forget, the stop-and-go-2-mile-an-hour pace down the roads, catching every red light.
Brings back memories, all right.
I might be the only guy who doesn't mind driving into work, despite the agony of traffic. I love my car. We've been through a lot harder journeys than this. But I would have to say that it's about the only thing I like about the TWU strike-- the chance to drive.
It would just have to happen at the most inconvenient time: a week before payday. I'm all out of money until Friday and it worries me because if this is any indication of what I will have to face, I'm gonna be a broke-ass Monkey before next payday. And a tired one, too, because I have to get up extra early to pick up a few people from work.
It's not so bad because B has been catching rides with me. But it's the planning from day to day about who I'm taking with me. One good thing about it is I get to know Brooklyn a little better.
It would be nice when this thing ends. At least I can go back to getting a little more sleep.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
All Right, She's Cool
Okay, maybe I was a little harsh about Party Girl.
I saw her at work today and we're cool. I guess I was pissed about the whole thing because I'd been there a few times before and that's just how I react.
I still stand by my instinct, I don't like that about people when they blow you off like that. And she is still a flake. But I still like her, and I'm still interested in getting to know her better.
That's something I want to work on this year-- my temper. I tend to fly off the handle or take things a little too personally. It might be my Aries rising, who knows? I just know I'm quick to anger when it comes to personal attacks, comments, etc. Anything else, you couldn't change my face of stone, but yeah, I tend to flare up pretty quick on the personal front. I figure it's okay to tease, but don't use personal information against someone unless it's just the two of you.
I'm always angry for the moment, then I calm down either the next day or so. But I tend not to remember things like that, which makes me a terrible arguer, and a better forgiver.
Well... Temper, temper.
I saw her at work today and we're cool. I guess I was pissed about the whole thing because I'd been there a few times before and that's just how I react.
I still stand by my instinct, I don't like that about people when they blow you off like that. And she is still a flake. But I still like her, and I'm still interested in getting to know her better.
That's something I want to work on this year-- my temper. I tend to fly off the handle or take things a little too personally. It might be my Aries rising, who knows? I just know I'm quick to anger when it comes to personal attacks, comments, etc. Anything else, you couldn't change my face of stone, but yeah, I tend to flare up pretty quick on the personal front. I figure it's okay to tease, but don't use personal information against someone unless it's just the two of you.
I'm always angry for the moment, then I calm down either the next day or so. But I tend not to remember things like that, which makes me a terrible arguer, and a better forgiver.
Well... Temper, temper.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Definately Not Cool
I found out what it is I didn't like about Party Girl.
So last night a friend and I went out to meet Party Girl and her roomie. We ended up meeting at the place they were at, only to find they were leaving.
We met up with the roommate, and decided to go to another place. When we grouped up for a cab we found out Party Girl already took off by herself. No big. Maybe she got bored. Maybe she was pissed off.
So we took a cab and went to the next place. Party Girl ignored me, saying hi to my friend and went along her business trying to get into the place. After about 10 minutes in line, the group decided to go to another place.
When we got there, everyone rounded up for the queue. Party Girl got in front, and all the girls in the group went ahead of us. The bouncer counted everyone in, then left my friend and I outside the line. Party Girl's friend who knew the bouncer didn't acknowledge us and the group just went in without us. I mean, it was pretty cold how it went down. They all avoided looking at us, just rushing to get inside.
My friend and I waited outside for 20 minutes. It was obvious we weren't getting in. One thing about New York City hotspots-- you either have to be a hot girl or be with 3:1 girls/guys to even stand a chance of getting in. We suddenly went from the former to the latter, so we were screwed.
The roomie texted me that they would be next door because the clubs were connected. So my friend and I queued up at the next place. We were outside for another 20 minutes. Same scenario. Finally, the roomie shows up and convinced one of the promoters to let us in.
We had fun the rest of the night. Party Girl had fun with us, too, but didn't mention anything about leaving us in the dust. We broke off for the night and headed home.
The next day at work, my friend tells me that Party Girl said she tried to call, like, 10 promoters to let us in but no one would come down to fetch us. A likely story. It sounded like a bunch of shite to me. That's like saying you had to wash your hair all night. One of the oldest excuses in the book.
But it's that kind of thing that I don't like about her. She's selfish. And she lies. Excuses about why she didn't call me to hang out or why she didn't return my call. I don't know what to call it, but at least I have put my finger on why she's not someone I would like to be friends with outside of work. She reminds me of some of the girls I used to know when I was a bartender. You have to have "something" they want: drugs, hook-ups, money, etc... I have none of those things, therefore I'm not useful to those kinds of people.
It isn't so bad, because now I know what kind of a person she is. Hey, in all honesty, maybe she thinks I wanted something from her, and I'm not her "type." But that's no reason to pull a dick move like she did last night. Maybe it's because I'm not like a lot of other guys she knows and it intimidates her. It's easy to see that she needs constant stimulation and she gets bored pretty easily. And she's one of those that makes a lot of empty promises. But I still don't understand why those kinds of people do that kind of thing. It's just not right. Don't tell me you want to hang out and then don't call. Don't flake on me if you make plans or if you ask me to hang out. It's that simple. Just because you're a girl doesn't mean I want to have sex with you. I would have THOUGHT about it but that's all. Everybody thinks about sex. Big f'n deal.
Ida know, maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe there's something else I'm missing. Maybe her deal is that she likes the attention for her self-esteem. But this isn't high school anymore. Go play Miss Popular with someone else. This Monkey doesn't have time for stupid little games anymore.
Anyway, I got it off my chest. Now maybe I can get some rest.
So last night a friend and I went out to meet Party Girl and her roomie. We ended up meeting at the place they were at, only to find they were leaving.
We met up with the roommate, and decided to go to another place. When we grouped up for a cab we found out Party Girl already took off by herself. No big. Maybe she got bored. Maybe she was pissed off.
So we took a cab and went to the next place. Party Girl ignored me, saying hi to my friend and went along her business trying to get into the place. After about 10 minutes in line, the group decided to go to another place.
When we got there, everyone rounded up for the queue. Party Girl got in front, and all the girls in the group went ahead of us. The bouncer counted everyone in, then left my friend and I outside the line. Party Girl's friend who knew the bouncer didn't acknowledge us and the group just went in without us. I mean, it was pretty cold how it went down. They all avoided looking at us, just rushing to get inside.
My friend and I waited outside for 20 minutes. It was obvious we weren't getting in. One thing about New York City hotspots-- you either have to be a hot girl or be with 3:1 girls/guys to even stand a chance of getting in. We suddenly went from the former to the latter, so we were screwed.
The roomie texted me that they would be next door because the clubs were connected. So my friend and I queued up at the next place. We were outside for another 20 minutes. Same scenario. Finally, the roomie shows up and convinced one of the promoters to let us in.
We had fun the rest of the night. Party Girl had fun with us, too, but didn't mention anything about leaving us in the dust. We broke off for the night and headed home.
The next day at work, my friend tells me that Party Girl said she tried to call, like, 10 promoters to let us in but no one would come down to fetch us. A likely story. It sounded like a bunch of shite to me. That's like saying you had to wash your hair all night. One of the oldest excuses in the book.
But it's that kind of thing that I don't like about her. She's selfish. And she lies. Excuses about why she didn't call me to hang out or why she didn't return my call. I don't know what to call it, but at least I have put my finger on why she's not someone I would like to be friends with outside of work. She reminds me of some of the girls I used to know when I was a bartender. You have to have "something" they want: drugs, hook-ups, money, etc... I have none of those things, therefore I'm not useful to those kinds of people.
It isn't so bad, because now I know what kind of a person she is. Hey, in all honesty, maybe she thinks I wanted something from her, and I'm not her "type." But that's no reason to pull a dick move like she did last night. Maybe it's because I'm not like a lot of other guys she knows and it intimidates her. It's easy to see that she needs constant stimulation and she gets bored pretty easily. And she's one of those that makes a lot of empty promises. But I still don't understand why those kinds of people do that kind of thing. It's just not right. Don't tell me you want to hang out and then don't call. Don't flake on me if you make plans or if you ask me to hang out. It's that simple. Just because you're a girl doesn't mean I want to have sex with you. I would have THOUGHT about it but that's all. Everybody thinks about sex. Big f'n deal.
Ida know, maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe there's something else I'm missing. Maybe her deal is that she likes the attention for her self-esteem. But this isn't high school anymore. Go play Miss Popular with someone else. This Monkey doesn't have time for stupid little games anymore.
Anyway, I got it off my chest. Now maybe I can get some rest.
It's Too Early
Sometimes, you know what the outcome of a situation will be.
I'm talking about when you know you're gonna hook up with someone. Sometimes you just know it will be an eventuality. A done deal. Monkey in the bank.
There's a girl I've been idly chatting with here and there and we met up tonight for drinks and dancing. What would have been a night of cold, standing-in-line pissed-offness turned into a little fun. And there was a lot of that tingly tension that felt so good tonight.
I know this girl is into me. I can feel it. It's pretty obvious to me, though I'm not one to rush into anything. The last thing I want is something like this to turn out bad. And it could. Real bad.
So I'm adopting a new strategy. I'm gonna lay back. And wait. She'll come over to play.
I'm being vague right now. It's mostly because there's so much going through my head right now. I'm going over all the signs tonight, deciphering all the messages, trying not to read too into things. But so far, I like the end result.
All answers point to "yes." Maybe in this case, "Ohhh."
Just a matter of time.
I'm talking about when you know you're gonna hook up with someone. Sometimes you just know it will be an eventuality. A done deal. Monkey in the bank.
There's a girl I've been idly chatting with here and there and we met up tonight for drinks and dancing. What would have been a night of cold, standing-in-line pissed-offness turned into a little fun. And there was a lot of that tingly tension that felt so good tonight.
I know this girl is into me. I can feel it. It's pretty obvious to me, though I'm not one to rush into anything. The last thing I want is something like this to turn out bad. And it could. Real bad.
So I'm adopting a new strategy. I'm gonna lay back. And wait. She'll come over to play.
I'm being vague right now. It's mostly because there's so much going through my head right now. I'm going over all the signs tonight, deciphering all the messages, trying not to read too into things. But so far, I like the end result.
All answers point to "yes." Maybe in this case, "Ohhh."
Just a matter of time.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Been Vacationing On MySpace...
Don't know if I have any readers out there but I've been consumed by MySpace. A lot.
It all started innocently when I logged on to find some friends from Alaska. Two weeks later, and I have full-blown internet addiction. I guess there are WORSE vices to have, but this one's pretty bad. I haven't had so little sleep since I was partying full time. It's amazing how a few missed hours of sleep sometimes feel like a night of boozing it up...
So, my new found love for the internet comes with a price. And I'm trying to find a happy, moderate way to keep my health AND my sanity, but I'll have to see this one out like my other habits-- full-blown until I get sick of it. Good thing I don't have that many, eh?
Speaking of which, I've been getting a little sick of smoking all the time, so that's a plus. I'm on the path to cutting back even further, I hope. And I think I'll be cutting back on the drinking as well. I have to face facts; I don't like it as much as I used to. And getting FUBAR just doesn't hold the same romantic luster it used to when I was partying as a bartender back in the day (yeah, *waaaaaaaaaay* back in '04...)
I started working out. Just a little ab routine in the morning. I'm by no means fat, but I haven't seen my abs in, like, 4 years. Yeah, and I owe it all to 8 Minute Abs. So I should be Herculean in no time ("no time" being something like 3 months.) Well, maybe not that long.
(...)
I'm dreading the next few weeks. Money's going to be tight. I have to go to court in a few weeks for the 6 traffic tickets I GOT AT ONCE. And I've got to pay for the new expensive dentist bills I've just acquired (NOTE TO SELF: Do not let your boss refer you to his dentist, especially if he makes 10-15 times more than you do, AND if they shop in your high-end retail boutique.) Life sucks for me at this time of the year. Without fail. It's always those last few bills that pile up right before the end of the year. 'Tis the Season For Giving (Money to "The Man!")
(...)
Okay... Time to go. I'll be posting my resolutions coming up. That is, IF I can get off MySpace long enough to do it.
It all started innocently when I logged on to find some friends from Alaska. Two weeks later, and I have full-blown internet addiction. I guess there are WORSE vices to have, but this one's pretty bad. I haven't had so little sleep since I was partying full time. It's amazing how a few missed hours of sleep sometimes feel like a night of boozing it up...
So, my new found love for the internet comes with a price. And I'm trying to find a happy, moderate way to keep my health AND my sanity, but I'll have to see this one out like my other habits-- full-blown until I get sick of it. Good thing I don't have that many, eh?
Speaking of which, I've been getting a little sick of smoking all the time, so that's a plus. I'm on the path to cutting back even further, I hope. And I think I'll be cutting back on the drinking as well. I have to face facts; I don't like it as much as I used to. And getting FUBAR just doesn't hold the same romantic luster it used to when I was partying as a bartender back in the day (yeah, *waaaaaaaaaay* back in '04...)
I started working out. Just a little ab routine in the morning. I'm by no means fat, but I haven't seen my abs in, like, 4 years. Yeah, and I owe it all to 8 Minute Abs. So I should be Herculean in no time ("no time" being something like 3 months.) Well, maybe not that long.
(...)
I'm dreading the next few weeks. Money's going to be tight. I have to go to court in a few weeks for the 6 traffic tickets I GOT AT ONCE. And I've got to pay for the new expensive dentist bills I've just acquired (NOTE TO SELF: Do not let your boss refer you to his dentist, especially if he makes 10-15 times more than you do, AND if they shop in your high-end retail boutique.) Life sucks for me at this time of the year. Without fail. It's always those last few bills that pile up right before the end of the year. 'Tis the Season For Giving (Money to "The Man!")
(...)
Okay... Time to go. I'll be posting my resolutions coming up. That is, IF I can get off MySpace long enough to do it.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Dude, Where's Her Blog???
I'm pretty upset that I can't find one of my favorite blogs, The Company Bitch. Gotcha, the author of said blog, was a pretty neat gal. I checked into her writing daily, only to find myself laughing my ass off at her acerbic wit and self-depricating humor. It wasn't all a laugh on herself, though. She just had a way of laughing at her situation. Sarcastically.
It kind of reminded me about how we all need to laugh at ourselves once in a while. Why waste time being so serious?
Gotcha sounded like someone I would like to meet. It's funny how you can get an idea of a person by how they write. She sounded like someone interesting. Sexy. Funny. Intelligent. But I'm still kind of weary about meeting someone from the social online world (even though she DOES live in New York...) I would never be so presumptuous, at least not right now. That would be kind of creepy, no? "Hey, your blog sounded interesting, wanna get together for a drink?..."
I guess it just seems kind of wierd, that people connect online before meeting in person. I don't buy it. But I'm curious, so I got onto MySpace and booked a profile. Found a lot of kids from home and Denver. A few from NYC. Pretty bitchin'. I might change my mind about it someday.
I digress... I wonder if her server's down or if Gotcha decided to delete her blog? I wonder why? Maybe Perky found out and decided to use it against her, so she had to destroy all evidence? Maybe Ex-Boyfriend found out and got really pissed? Eh, who knows...
Or maybe it's a ploy to develop a larger fan base... Hmmmmm... Pretty clever.
Anyway, I'm still kind of miffed that I can't read the blog. Too bad.
I was a fan...
It kind of reminded me about how we all need to laugh at ourselves once in a while. Why waste time being so serious?
Gotcha sounded like someone I would like to meet. It's funny how you can get an idea of a person by how they write. She sounded like someone interesting. Sexy. Funny. Intelligent. But I'm still kind of weary about meeting someone from the social online world (even though she DOES live in New York...) I would never be so presumptuous, at least not right now. That would be kind of creepy, no? "Hey, your blog sounded interesting, wanna get together for a drink?..."
I guess it just seems kind of wierd, that people connect online before meeting in person. I don't buy it. But I'm curious, so I got onto MySpace and booked a profile. Found a lot of kids from home and Denver. A few from NYC. Pretty bitchin'. I might change my mind about it someday.
I digress... I wonder if her server's down or if Gotcha decided to delete her blog? I wonder why? Maybe Perky found out and decided to use it against her, so she had to destroy all evidence? Maybe Ex-Boyfriend found out and got really pissed? Eh, who knows...
Or maybe it's a ploy to develop a larger fan base... Hmmmmm... Pretty clever.
Anyway, I'm still kind of miffed that I can't read the blog. Too bad.
I was a fan...
Sunday, November 27, 2005
A Good Year
Did an early photo shoot for a friend this morning. It felt great to be behind the camera once again, since it's been almost 3 years since I did any serious photography.
Which brings me to something interesting. I think with my recent cycle of connecting with the past, it's kind of spurning my old high school interests, like graphic design, photography, and music. I want so badly to find a saxophone and start playing again.
(...)
Aaron, Katie, and I will be taking a short trip to Long Island today. It's been cool, because we hung out last night and did more catching up. Aaron's on break from his tour for a moment, and will be heading upstate tonight or tomorrow. We laughed as we relayed news of so-and-so, who got fat, who got skinny, and how everyone else has babies, except for us. I'm glad that they're here now, though Aaron's got to go back to touring in a few days. But it's been fun so far.
I guess this year wasn't so bad after all. I spoke with Angela the other day and it brought to mind on how much I feel I've changed over the last 12 months. I've become more introspective and feel more solid about who I am than I ever have. There are still quite a few things to work out, but I'm doing pretty good right now. My life is great, and I'm thankful that I'm still here in New York.
I just wish I had that sax.
Which brings me to something interesting. I think with my recent cycle of connecting with the past, it's kind of spurning my old high school interests, like graphic design, photography, and music. I want so badly to find a saxophone and start playing again.
(...)
Aaron, Katie, and I will be taking a short trip to Long Island today. It's been cool, because we hung out last night and did more catching up. Aaron's on break from his tour for a moment, and will be heading upstate tonight or tomorrow. We laughed as we relayed news of so-and-so, who got fat, who got skinny, and how everyone else has babies, except for us. I'm glad that they're here now, though Aaron's got to go back to touring in a few days. But it's been fun so far.
I guess this year wasn't so bad after all. I spoke with Angela the other day and it brought to mind on how much I feel I've changed over the last 12 months. I've become more introspective and feel more solid about who I am than I ever have. There are still quite a few things to work out, but I'm doing pretty good right now. My life is great, and I'm thankful that I'm still here in New York.
I just wish I had that sax.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
A Silent Night
I never thought I would enjoy being alone on a major holiday.
It all started last Christmas. It was kind of by default, actually, but I was by myself, watching movies and keeping an eye on my friend's apartment.
I had offers to go out and meet my friends and family tonight, but I declined for the pleasure of cooking my own meal at home. I spoke with a few loved ones, sent out a ton of text messages, and now I'm just waiting for the gravy to finish so I can enjoy dinner. I even baked a walnut pie, my first ever, just for the occassion.
I'm finally enjoying being alone, and the withdrawl has been great for me to become more introspective. There's a silent relief not having to worry about "getting home" after visiting people outside in the world tonight, and though some people miss me out there, I wanted the opportunity to spend tonight with someone I've been ignoring for a while-- me.
So, Happy Thanksgiving. And if you're alone tonight as well, may you enjoy yourself. Just don't scald the gravy...
It all started last Christmas. It was kind of by default, actually, but I was by myself, watching movies and keeping an eye on my friend's apartment.
I had offers to go out and meet my friends and family tonight, but I declined for the pleasure of cooking my own meal at home. I spoke with a few loved ones, sent out a ton of text messages, and now I'm just waiting for the gravy to finish so I can enjoy dinner. I even baked a walnut pie, my first ever, just for the occassion.
I'm finally enjoying being alone, and the withdrawl has been great for me to become more introspective. There's a silent relief not having to worry about "getting home" after visiting people outside in the world tonight, and though some people miss me out there, I wanted the opportunity to spend tonight with someone I've been ignoring for a while-- me.
So, Happy Thanksgiving. And if you're alone tonight as well, may you enjoy yourself. Just don't scald the gravy...
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Reunion-- Good. No Girlfriend Yet-- Bad.
The other night was a lot of fun. My sister and I went to the venue where we decided to meet. After the few of us got together and finagled a few tables we dispensed the hugs and reacquaintences and started the chatting.
This monkey was happy to see his old friends, whom after almost a decade, look exactly the same after all these years. I don't know if its the psychology of remembering the past or something in the water these days, but everyone seems to age pretty well these days.
The band, Jupiter Sunrise was great. I was really impressed and happy to see that Aaron still pursues music, and equally thrilled that Dan and Katie are pursuing acting. It's funny to me, because we were all promising young actors and musicians in high school, but only a few of us are still with the bug (me, I seem to be waiting for something, but still have the dream.) After the show, Aaron came and found us and another round of hugs and chatting ensued.
The night winded down, and we had to go our separate ways for the time being. Numbers were traded and programmed into our cell phones and we bid each other a good night.
(...)
I'm happy that this part of my life is starting to take shape again because I've been so out of touch from it all. Aaron was pretty surprised to hear that I've only been home twice over the years (I guess everyone else made it home more than I did.) Katie seems pretty settled down during her first few weeks in the city. Dan has been here for five years and loves it here. It's nice to know that there are a few Alaskans out here doing our thing, because the city seems so big sometimes, though it's really a small world in some sense.
It's given me some things to think about, like where I want my life to go in the next few years. I really do want the same things I did 10 years ago, and it's just more of a priority to get to a place in my life where I've freed myself up enough to start doing said things.
(...)
In other news, B and I played some pool last night. We had a good time, though I was expecting more of the work crew to show up. It's funny how fast people change their minds, because I was pretty bummed out that no one else decided to show. Oh well. I let B have a pretty good handicap by shooting with my weak hand, though I have to say I didn't do that half-bad. Maybe I'll end up becoming good shooting with both hands because of it. The important thing was that she felt good about kicking my ass 3-2. I'll let her have that one.
We also met up for some baby shower shopping today. There was a funny moment where I was passing the chair section and it seemed that all the guys were taking a seat while the women were hurredly looking for baby things. (I think I'll use that in my writings somewhere...)
B really wants to have kids. She's been talking about her relationship with her boyfriend in a way that makes me think they won't last. Alluding to joining matchmaking websites or commenting that so-and-so is hot. I've stopped responding to her about that, because I've pledged to not get involved.
She's also been paying more attention to me in certain ways, like she made a comment about not liking my haircut last night. She's really one of my best friends out here in the city. I'm happy about that, too.
(...)
I'm going through one of my funks again. I always get despondant around the holidays because I haven't had a special girl to share them with. I've always mentioned a girl or two that I would hang around, but never brought anyone "home" to meet my family since I was sixteen. My sister asked if I ever had feelings for Katie earlier today. I think she's worried that I've never mentioned a serious girlfriend before. What can I say, no one's been that special in my life so far.
She's out there, though. Probably wondering why she hasn't met the right guy.
Well, I'm here, waiting for her to show up. Or bump into somewhere.
This monkey was happy to see his old friends, whom after almost a decade, look exactly the same after all these years. I don't know if its the psychology of remembering the past or something in the water these days, but everyone seems to age pretty well these days.
The band, Jupiter Sunrise was great. I was really impressed and happy to see that Aaron still pursues music, and equally thrilled that Dan and Katie are pursuing acting. It's funny to me, because we were all promising young actors and musicians in high school, but only a few of us are still with the bug (me, I seem to be waiting for something, but still have the dream.) After the show, Aaron came and found us and another round of hugs and chatting ensued.
The night winded down, and we had to go our separate ways for the time being. Numbers were traded and programmed into our cell phones and we bid each other a good night.
(...)
I'm happy that this part of my life is starting to take shape again because I've been so out of touch from it all. Aaron was pretty surprised to hear that I've only been home twice over the years (I guess everyone else made it home more than I did.) Katie seems pretty settled down during her first few weeks in the city. Dan has been here for five years and loves it here. It's nice to know that there are a few Alaskans out here doing our thing, because the city seems so big sometimes, though it's really a small world in some sense.
It's given me some things to think about, like where I want my life to go in the next few years. I really do want the same things I did 10 years ago, and it's just more of a priority to get to a place in my life where I've freed myself up enough to start doing said things.
(...)
In other news, B and I played some pool last night. We had a good time, though I was expecting more of the work crew to show up. It's funny how fast people change their minds, because I was pretty bummed out that no one else decided to show. Oh well. I let B have a pretty good handicap by shooting with my weak hand, though I have to say I didn't do that half-bad. Maybe I'll end up becoming good shooting with both hands because of it. The important thing was that she felt good about kicking my ass 3-2. I'll let her have that one.
We also met up for some baby shower shopping today. There was a funny moment where I was passing the chair section and it seemed that all the guys were taking a seat while the women were hurredly looking for baby things. (I think I'll use that in my writings somewhere...)
B really wants to have kids. She's been talking about her relationship with her boyfriend in a way that makes me think they won't last. Alluding to joining matchmaking websites or commenting that so-and-so is hot. I've stopped responding to her about that, because I've pledged to not get involved.
She's also been paying more attention to me in certain ways, like she made a comment about not liking my haircut last night. She's really one of my best friends out here in the city. I'm happy about that, too.
(...)
I'm going through one of my funks again. I always get despondant around the holidays because I haven't had a special girl to share them with. I've always mentioned a girl or two that I would hang around, but never brought anyone "home" to meet my family since I was sixteen. My sister asked if I ever had feelings for Katie earlier today. I think she's worried that I've never mentioned a serious girlfriend before. What can I say, no one's been that special in my life so far.
She's out there, though. Probably wondering why she hasn't met the right guy.
Well, I'm here, waiting for her to show up. Or bump into somewhere.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
A Little Reunion
So there's the exciting-yet-scary prospect of meeting some old friends from high school coming up tomorrow night. I'm going through with it, but all these insecurities keep creeping up on me during my idling moments.
Like in the shower, I thought, "Maybe you'll end up making yourself look like a complete ass." Or while walking to work it was, "You're still the same dork they knew in high school."
WTF, you know? It's been over 9 years! There's this scene from one of my favorite movies, Gross Pointe Blank, where Jeremy Piven shows up to the dance and brags about how he's all grown up and stuff, then goes whimpering like a dog when the hot girl from high school walks by. She totally ignores him while he's trying to get her attention. I have dreams like that sometimes. I guess I was a mess in high school because I knew a lot of people, but didn't have a lot of real friends.
It's not like that with these guys, though. These kids I'm meeting up tomorrow were always cool with me. In fact, though every school had their cliques and such, we were in fucking Alaska, so nobody was really that snobbish. But I still felt like an outsider.
I know it's going to be fun tomorrow. We'll show up, have a few laughs over a few beers, ask about so-and-so, then exchange numbers, only to never call each other for yet another long block of time...
I'm being fecitious, but speaking of which, why do we do that anyway? Why do we go through the motions of meeting people up only to realize that we've gone our separate ways over the years and decide not to catch up? It's kind of stupid, if you ask me, but I'm one to talk. I'm guilty of it, too.
I decided that I'm not going to do that tomorrow. I really do want to reconnect with these people. I've been waiting for this a long time. I've occasionally thought of my old friends from high school and wondered what they were up to, but didn't really pursue finding anyone until this year. And I've been pretty lucky so far. I guess I'm ready to talk about the past and rehash.
So, music, beer, friends from Alaska, and old times. And pictures. Should be a good night.
Like in the shower, I thought, "Maybe you'll end up making yourself look like a complete ass." Or while walking to work it was, "You're still the same dork they knew in high school."
WTF, you know? It's been over 9 years! There's this scene from one of my favorite movies, Gross Pointe Blank, where Jeremy Piven shows up to the dance and brags about how he's all grown up and stuff, then goes whimpering like a dog when the hot girl from high school walks by. She totally ignores him while he's trying to get her attention. I have dreams like that sometimes. I guess I was a mess in high school because I knew a lot of people, but didn't have a lot of real friends.
It's not like that with these guys, though. These kids I'm meeting up tomorrow were always cool with me. In fact, though every school had their cliques and such, we were in fucking Alaska, so nobody was really that snobbish. But I still felt like an outsider.
I know it's going to be fun tomorrow. We'll show up, have a few laughs over a few beers, ask about so-and-so, then exchange numbers, only to never call each other for yet another long block of time...
I'm being fecitious, but speaking of which, why do we do that anyway? Why do we go through the motions of meeting people up only to realize that we've gone our separate ways over the years and decide not to catch up? It's kind of stupid, if you ask me, but I'm one to talk. I'm guilty of it, too.
I decided that I'm not going to do that tomorrow. I really do want to reconnect with these people. I've been waiting for this a long time. I've occasionally thought of my old friends from high school and wondered what they were up to, but didn't really pursue finding anyone until this year. And I've been pretty lucky so far. I guess I'm ready to talk about the past and rehash.
So, music, beer, friends from Alaska, and old times. And pictures. Should be a good night.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Restless Monkey
I've been able to put B aside this week since I've come clean. I have to say though, that as a precaution, I did delete the posts regarding that. I had an eerie feeling that someone at work would indirectly find my blog and figure out who I was writing about. Call me a chickenshit, but I just wanted to be safe.
That being said, I've been able to put things aside and move on.
So I had a drink with SI tonight, which wasn't entirely enjoyable for two reasons: one-- we had a drink across the street from where I work, and I lied to my boss about wanting to leave early, so I was distracted the whole time; and two-- the chef from the coffee shop we went to sat himself down and kept talking to SI, and pretty much cockblocked me. What was even more annoying was that I was too distracted to tell him to bugger off so I could enjoy the 20 hurried minutes we had before she had to catch her bus.
It sucks that it was the first chance I've had since I met her to have an opportunity to get to know her, and it was completely fucked up for those two reasons. It sucks because she's been "busy" and has put off meeting up for a few months now. And it sucks because I've been interested in her for a while, and might not get another chance like this again.
Note to self: Next time I pick the place. And no annoying cooks.
We had a nice walk home, though she kept talking about being annoyed at how much attention she gets. That's what has kept me from taking it anywhere with her-- another girl keeping me at bay. I can't tell if she's just venting or is also trying to tell me, "Don't."
(...)
On another note, I wanted to hang out with Party Girl, but I don't feel like going out tonight. I just can't seem to relive the not-so-old-days right now. My body seems to send out a resounding "No!" whenever I hear about going out on a "school night," and I momentarily shudder at the thought of waking up groggy and disheveled, smelling of beer and cigarettes. I like my routine right now. I sleep. Like a normal person should. Don't want to lose that now.
She's another one I've had my eye on. Still can't figure out what turns me on about her. We seem to have a little cat-and-mouse game going on where we'll pretend not to notice each other at work. Then I'll catch her looking my way or I'll touch her arm passing her by. She'll wink at me from across the room. Today, she poked me with her pen while heading upstairs, not looking back. I could feel her smile as she felt me looking at her walking away. I smiled, too.
She called me last night on her way back from the airport to ask me to come out, but she didn't call back. I was flattered that she thought of me for that moment, which makes me think she's a little interested in me.
(...)
I guess there are worse things than liking more than one girl at the same time. Which reminds me-- there is a cute *New Girl* at work. Very petite and nice. Mmmmmmm. I'm such a bad monkey.
The whole thing makes me restless. So I do what I only can do in a situation like this.
I blog.
That being said, I've been able to put things aside and move on.
So I had a drink with SI tonight, which wasn't entirely enjoyable for two reasons: one-- we had a drink across the street from where I work, and I lied to my boss about wanting to leave early, so I was distracted the whole time; and two-- the chef from the coffee shop we went to sat himself down and kept talking to SI, and pretty much cockblocked me. What was even more annoying was that I was too distracted to tell him to bugger off so I could enjoy the 20 hurried minutes we had before she had to catch her bus.
It sucks that it was the first chance I've had since I met her to have an opportunity to get to know her, and it was completely fucked up for those two reasons. It sucks because she's been "busy" and has put off meeting up for a few months now. And it sucks because I've been interested in her for a while, and might not get another chance like this again.
Note to self: Next time I pick the place. And no annoying cooks.
We had a nice walk home, though she kept talking about being annoyed at how much attention she gets. That's what has kept me from taking it anywhere with her-- another girl keeping me at bay. I can't tell if she's just venting or is also trying to tell me, "Don't."
(...)
On another note, I wanted to hang out with Party Girl, but I don't feel like going out tonight. I just can't seem to relive the not-so-old-days right now. My body seems to send out a resounding "No!" whenever I hear about going out on a "school night," and I momentarily shudder at the thought of waking up groggy and disheveled, smelling of beer and cigarettes. I like my routine right now. I sleep. Like a normal person should. Don't want to lose that now.
She's another one I've had my eye on. Still can't figure out what turns me on about her. We seem to have a little cat-and-mouse game going on where we'll pretend not to notice each other at work. Then I'll catch her looking my way or I'll touch her arm passing her by. She'll wink at me from across the room. Today, she poked me with her pen while heading upstairs, not looking back. I could feel her smile as she felt me looking at her walking away. I smiled, too.
She called me last night on her way back from the airport to ask me to come out, but she didn't call back. I was flattered that she thought of me for that moment, which makes me think she's a little interested in me.
(...)
I guess there are worse things than liking more than one girl at the same time. Which reminds me-- there is a cute *New Girl* at work. Very petite and nice. Mmmmmmm. I'm such a bad monkey.
The whole thing makes me restless. So I do what I only can do in a situation like this.
I blog.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Woodbury... The Land Of The Discount
Today a group of us conquered Woodbury Commons. It was a *looooonnnng* day of shopping (we met up at 10am and I just got home at 8pm,) but a beautiful day, so it's justified. I feel so accomplished because I set out to only buy a pair of Timberlands, but ended up with a few nice cardigans, a few pairs of jeans (including my first black pair, and my first Levi 517's,) some Ray Bans (<--inset: aren't they cool?), and a skull cap.
I'm pretty stoked about what I spent. I never like shopping because it's endless looking around and not finding anything. But boy, was I on a mission. Shminker and I hit up SIX stores in 30 minutes, 'cause I was speed-shopping for some Oxford shoes. I never knew I could do that. Didn't find them this time, but there's always the day after Thanksgiving.
So all in all it was a pretty good day. I had to curb my distaste for long lines in favor of great bargins, but sacfrifices must be made for the greater good.
In all reality, coming out here is a good idea. Prices are so good for designer clothes, it's worth it despite having to troll through a lot of haystacks just to get your needle. A word to the wise: target the more middle-priced stores early, because that's when the lines are the smallest. And forget about trying to leave after 5pm. It's an hour to get there from Manhattan but two hours back (yikes!)
There's always next time... And I've got a plan.
Note to self: Remember to take GWB to 95-N to 17-N to 87-N, then exit 16 for Woodbury.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Got My Camera...
I finally got a loner camera from a friend at work. Today, I was trying to make it out early so I could buy the replacement battery and charger. Made it to the store just before it closed. Yes!
So now the battery's charging and it's only a matter of time until I can start posting pics on this blog. I'm so pumped! I'm looking forward to start taking pictures again. And with the instant gratification of digital... I'm so excited!
I've also been dabbling with graphic design again. Working on a few ideas for a friend's album cover and logo design. Pretty stoked about that as well.
We'll see how this direction will go. I've always done something with graphic design and there might be a future in it for me. Another artist friend of mine was talking about merchandising if I can come up with something for him and a clothing line.
Never thought I'd be doing it professionally.
Hmmmm.
So now the battery's charging and it's only a matter of time until I can start posting pics on this blog. I'm so pumped! I'm looking forward to start taking pictures again. And with the instant gratification of digital... I'm so excited!
I've also been dabbling with graphic design again. Working on a few ideas for a friend's album cover and logo design. Pretty stoked about that as well.
We'll see how this direction will go. I've always done something with graphic design and there might be a future in it for me. Another artist friend of mine was talking about merchandising if I can come up with something for him and a clothing line.
Never thought I'd be doing it professionally.
Hmmmm.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Chili and Insecurities
I'm such a cleaver little monkey.
Tonight I'm making chili for the lunch the next few nights. I've never been intuitive about cooking until recently. I was shopping at the grocery while doing my laundry ('cause I'm a multi-tasker,) I was trying to figure out how to make the chili from the ground turkey, onion, and green pepper I had from last week. So I bought a can of crushed tomatoes, a red pepper, and chicken broth.
Started the pot at home, added the stuff from last week, the ingredients from this week, some beans (black and red kidney, of course,) and...
Mmmmmm... It smells *soooo* good! Preliminary tasting confirms. Yes... I AM cleaver.
(...)
So today I came across another realization about myself: I'm insecure. Well, maybe it isn't so much a realization rather than another part of me I'm willing to face now. (I've been on a roll with that sort of thing, no?)
As much as I said I shouldn't be hanging with her, I've been trying to get to know Party Girl a little better. I know-- I'm a glutton for punishment. So I thought I would ask her to join me for lunch.
When I got down to ask her, though, Shminker (the kid I work with) was already in the lunch room with her. That sneaky bastard.
Later, when I got back from lunch, Boss was telling me about two of our disgruntled clients who were disputing card charges with our General Manager. He advised me to stay away from the room they were in. According to him, they claimed I was "rude" and refused them to see Boss when they came to visit, that I had an "attitude problem."
I was floored. I seem to remember the three of us laughing and talking about Virginia and Colorado during their visit. Then I got a flash of anger. I'm NEVER disrespectful to a client. It can be frustrating sometimes, but I don't lose my cool in front of them (it's always behind close doors.)
Long story short, I admitted to myself that I was both jealous and defensive about the two accounts today, which brought me to conclude about being insecure. It's funny about this year, because I feel more challenged than I've ever been before. More situations keep knocking me down, and I realize how much more I have to grow up.
So I guess I have a few more things to work on, except for the chili, which is pretty damn good.
Tonight I'm making chili for the lunch the next few nights. I've never been intuitive about cooking until recently. I was shopping at the grocery while doing my laundry ('cause I'm a multi-tasker,) I was trying to figure out how to make the chili from the ground turkey, onion, and green pepper I had from last week. So I bought a can of crushed tomatoes, a red pepper, and chicken broth.
Started the pot at home, added the stuff from last week, the ingredients from this week, some beans (black and red kidney, of course,) and...
Mmmmmm... It smells *soooo* good! Preliminary tasting confirms. Yes... I AM cleaver.
(...)
So today I came across another realization about myself: I'm insecure. Well, maybe it isn't so much a realization rather than another part of me I'm willing to face now. (I've been on a roll with that sort of thing, no?)
As much as I said I shouldn't be hanging with her, I've been trying to get to know Party Girl a little better. I know-- I'm a glutton for punishment. So I thought I would ask her to join me for lunch.
When I got down to ask her, though, Shminker (the kid I work with) was already in the lunch room with her. That sneaky bastard.
Later, when I got back from lunch, Boss was telling me about two of our disgruntled clients who were disputing card charges with our General Manager. He advised me to stay away from the room they were in. According to him, they claimed I was "rude" and refused them to see Boss when they came to visit, that I had an "attitude problem."
I was floored. I seem to remember the three of us laughing and talking about Virginia and Colorado during their visit. Then I got a flash of anger. I'm NEVER disrespectful to a client. It can be frustrating sometimes, but I don't lose my cool in front of them (it's always behind close doors.)
Long story short, I admitted to myself that I was both jealous and defensive about the two accounts today, which brought me to conclude about being insecure. It's funny about this year, because I feel more challenged than I've ever been before. More situations keep knocking me down, and I realize how much more I have to grow up.
So I guess I have a few more things to work on, except for the chili, which is pretty damn good.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Hothead!
I didn't realize until this year that I have quite a temper.
I always thought of myself as a passive, patient kind of guy. It's just that lately, people at work (and customers) seem to know how to get me fired up.
It always happens the same way. Somebody says something to me, I shut up, get angry, turn red, then start blowing up.
I remember my acting coach always trying to get me more "emotional." But I would never budge. Now it seems like my switches are easily turned on.
This is a new area for me, I admit, because I never let myself lose my "cool."
Though I have to say, I rather enjoy letting loose once in a while.
It's kinda fun.
I always thought of myself as a passive, patient kind of guy. It's just that lately, people at work (and customers) seem to know how to get me fired up.
It always happens the same way. Somebody says something to me, I shut up, get angry, turn red, then start blowing up.
I remember my acting coach always trying to get me more "emotional." But I would never budge. Now it seems like my switches are easily turned on.
This is a new area for me, I admit, because I never let myself lose my "cool."
Though I have to say, I rather enjoy letting loose once in a while.
It's kinda fun.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
A Few Missed Opportunities
So last night I went out with a few people from work. Let me preface the evening:
First of all, it kind of irks me how work people plan to get together, then all flake out at the last minute. Our get-together last night was the result of three attempts to make something work out for the sake of a girl's birthday. Actually, it was for two girls, but one of them (we'll call her Staten Island,) kept flaking out at the last minute.
I've gone out quite a bit with people from work over the last year. It's understandable, as they are the closest I have to friends since we work together every day.
What started getting me mad was that SI kept flaking out in the last minute. I've hung out with her here and there at work, and once on a night out. She's cool, but her flakiness as of late were really getting on my nerves. She even lied to other people, saying that she didn't know about our plans for dinner, etc... WTF??
Needless to say, she didn't come (and I think we don't need to invite her next time...)
But B did come, and that was cool.
Dinner was great. There were six of us there. B went to dinner for someone else's b-day (another girl we used to work with,) and met us up for a drink later.
I thought our bartender was pretty cute. She made French Martinis for the girls. As I went to pay our tab when our table went up, I told her to use orange vodka next time. It was kind of forceful and cocky, and I remember thinking how I never talked to a girl like that before. One of the guys next to me said, "Sure, the good-looking guy comes and talks to her..."
Now, I secretly think of myself as "dashing," but never in a James-bond kind of way. I would never say "hot." But something about that made me feel very confident. The bartender handed me the tab, saying, "Here you go, Mister ____________." She even used my first name, which threw me off for a bit. We had a bit of an exchange.
ME: And you are?
HER: Miss P_____ (didn't catch that.)
ME: Is that Greek?
HER: Yes. But call me Pamela.
ME: Nice to meet you, Pamela.
HER: I've never made it with orange vodka.
ME: Yeah. It's like you make it with a kamikaze.
HER: I never made one of those before.
Now I could have said a few things here, like, "Well, maybe I could show you sometime, if you'd like to get a drink?", or, "Perhaps you'd like to tell me your favorite drinks after work or something?" But, no, I didn't say anything.
I missed my chance (again.)
We then went to a Halloween party. There were a few hundred people crammed into this large loft. I immediately went to the loo and as I passed, a really cute girl in a bunny outfit reached out for me. Because I was a little buzzed, I wasn't paying attention, but she liked the fact I had bunny ears on. As I was waiting in line, I was checking her out-- she was pretty hot. But I didn't say anything-- again.
First of all, it kind of irks me how work people plan to get together, then all flake out at the last minute. Our get-together last night was the result of three attempts to make something work out for the sake of a girl's birthday. Actually, it was for two girls, but one of them (we'll call her Staten Island,) kept flaking out at the last minute.
I've gone out quite a bit with people from work over the last year. It's understandable, as they are the closest I have to friends since we work together every day.
What started getting me mad was that SI kept flaking out in the last minute. I've hung out with her here and there at work, and once on a night out. She's cool, but her flakiness as of late were really getting on my nerves. She even lied to other people, saying that she didn't know about our plans for dinner, etc... WTF??
Needless to say, she didn't come (and I think we don't need to invite her next time...)
But B did come, and that was cool.
Dinner was great. There were six of us there. B went to dinner for someone else's b-day (another girl we used to work with,) and met us up for a drink later.
I thought our bartender was pretty cute. She made French Martinis for the girls. As I went to pay our tab when our table went up, I told her to use orange vodka next time. It was kind of forceful and cocky, and I remember thinking how I never talked to a girl like that before. One of the guys next to me said, "Sure, the good-looking guy comes and talks to her..."
Now, I secretly think of myself as "dashing," but never in a James-bond kind of way. I would never say "hot." But something about that made me feel very confident. The bartender handed me the tab, saying, "Here you go, Mister ____________." She even used my first name, which threw me off for a bit. We had a bit of an exchange.
ME: And you are?
HER: Miss P_____ (didn't catch that.)
ME: Is that Greek?
HER: Yes. But call me Pamela.
ME: Nice to meet you, Pamela.
HER: I've never made it with orange vodka.
ME: Yeah. It's like you make it with a kamikaze.
HER: I never made one of those before.
Now I could have said a few things here, like, "Well, maybe I could show you sometime, if you'd like to get a drink?", or, "Perhaps you'd like to tell me your favorite drinks after work or something?" But, no, I didn't say anything.
I missed my chance (again.)
We then went to a Halloween party. There were a few hundred people crammed into this large loft. I immediately went to the loo and as I passed, a really cute girl in a bunny outfit reached out for me. Because I was a little buzzed, I wasn't paying attention, but she liked the fact I had bunny ears on. As I was waiting in line, I was checking her out-- she was pretty hot. But I didn't say anything-- again.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Hypocritical Monkeys, And The Girls Who (Sort-Of) Flirt With Them
Today, while I was on the way home a girl caught my eye. She was mouthing the words to her ipod, singing silently. I kept thinking about how silly she was for the moment, until I realized that I, too, was also singing a silent song while listening to my music.
I had to laugh for a minute, because I caught myself being a hypocrite. Heh. Stoopid Monkey.
I've been having little self-realization moments like this lately. I find I get critical of others and forget that I'm being a turd for getting annoyed at something trivial.
It's like that saying goes, "What you don't like about others is usually what you don't like about yourself." Or something like that.
So do we reflect on ourselves when observing other people? I had a banana while pondering this (like you do when pondering things) and I guess that it's true.
I'm trying to be a better person, but I keep finding things about myself that I want to change.
(...)
So Party Girl (formally New Girl,) asked me to join her again tonight for free food and drinks. I keep trying to figure out what it is I like about her. We always seem to run into each other, but I only notice it because I like her. She kind of flirts with me in a playful way, like the way you do when you're kids. Teasing, kicking each other's knees out, pretending not to notice each other.
Maybe she's just being nice. She keeps talking about her dates with boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, and boy toys, so I don't think she's intrested in me. I just think she likes the attention. I also notice she flirts with all the guys at work, so that's why I think it's the attention. But every once in a while I catch her looking at me while I'm pretending not to notice and it makes me feel funny. Good funny, though.
I definately know when a girl isn't looking at me in that way --it happens all the time. But I get that burning in my face when I know a girl is, and that's what throws me off. (I remember catching a look like that from B a few weeks ago. I looked right at her eyes in that moment, and I got a flash of something that made me blush inside a little.)
Then she does the "invite-out-but-we'll-see" kind of thing. The kind of plan where there's a half-commitment. Which is why I don't think she's going to call tonight.
And she said she wasn't into games...
(...)
I had to laugh for a minute, because I caught myself being a hypocrite. Heh. Stoopid Monkey.
I've been having little self-realization moments like this lately. I find I get critical of others and forget that I'm being a turd for getting annoyed at something trivial.
It's like that saying goes, "What you don't like about others is usually what you don't like about yourself." Or something like that.
So do we reflect on ourselves when observing other people? I had a banana while pondering this (like you do when pondering things) and I guess that it's true.
I'm trying to be a better person, but I keep finding things about myself that I want to change.
(...)
So Party Girl (formally New Girl,) asked me to join her again tonight for free food and drinks. I keep trying to figure out what it is I like about her. We always seem to run into each other, but I only notice it because I like her. She kind of flirts with me in a playful way, like the way you do when you're kids. Teasing, kicking each other's knees out, pretending not to notice each other.
Maybe she's just being nice. She keeps talking about her dates with boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, and boy toys, so I don't think she's intrested in me. I just think she likes the attention. I also notice she flirts with all the guys at work, so that's why I think it's the attention. But every once in a while I catch her looking at me while I'm pretending not to notice and it makes me feel funny. Good funny, though.
I definately know when a girl isn't looking at me in that way --it happens all the time. But I get that burning in my face when I know a girl is, and that's what throws me off. (I remember catching a look like that from B a few weeks ago. I looked right at her eyes in that moment, and I got a flash of something that made me blush inside a little.)
Then she does the "invite-out-but-we'll-see" kind of thing. The kind of plan where there's a half-commitment. Which is why I don't think she's going to call tonight.
And she said she wasn't into games...
(...)
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Lounging Around...
My brother turned 21 a few days ago. It will be his golden birthday.
God! I can't believe we're all adults now. I've been wondering about this for a while, you know, about being all grown up and stuff. He's going to Vegas for a few days and I wish I could be there with him.
(...)
Well, the movie was good, but now I just don't want to go and do chores. But if I don't, then I don't eat for the next week, and that would just suck. And I would stink, too, and that would suck as well.
(All right, all right, I'm going.)
God! I can't believe we're all adults now. I've been wondering about this for a while, you know, about being all grown up and stuff. He's going to Vegas for a few days and I wish I could be there with him.
(...)
Well, the movie was good, but now I just don't want to go and do chores. But if I don't, then I don't eat for the next week, and that would just suck. And I would stink, too, and that would suck as well.
(All right, all right, I'm going.)
Alaska Isn't So Far Away Anymore
I just got in touch with another old friend today.
This is great because she lives in Chicago and I'm going there sometime next year to visit someone else. And while chatting with her, I found out two more old high school friends are in the City as well!
This is awesome because I've been wondering for the longest time if there was anyone else out here. It's yet to be seen if I'll be able to hook up with anyone for a drink and such, but so far, so good!
It's funny that all this is happening, because I've been thinking about not going to my reunion, which is in the next two years.
Ah well.
Now, a tough decision. Do I march out into the Sunday afternoon fray to get laundry and shopping done with all the other folks, or wait until later tonight?
Hmmmmm. Don't know. I'd rather not wait endless moments for parking, cashiers, and washer/dryers.
I think I'll watch a movie for now.
Another Saturday Night
I remember when I was in high school that there was a party going on at some kid's house.
I was at home on a Saturday night just like this one, waiting for my friend Joe to call. I remember being excited because there were going to be all these cute girls from school, and I hadn't really been to a party before. I mean, it was Anchorage, and there's not a lot to really do up there.
So I waited. Joe was my friend. We worked out together. We hung out at school, but only once in a while. He was a lot more popular than I was, especially 'cause he was good-looking. Since I didn't have Dan anymore (because he was abroad,) I spent my free time hanging' with Joe.
I waited longer. It was getting to be around midnight. I called his house. No answer.
Then a sinking feeling came over me. That feeling was that I got left behind.
It really hurt because I thought that part of my life where I would get rejected by my peers was over. Even in elementary school there were the taunts about four-eyes, and being a "dog."
(...)
Well, I've since had that feeling. I always wanted to be part of a group, but it's hard when you're a loner. I guess you could say that it's an oxymoron.
I was never meant to be part of a group.
Tonight I have that feeling again. It's not as strong as before especially because this kind of thing happens once in a while, but it still sucks.
What can you do, eh? I wish I wouldn't take it so personally.
I was at home on a Saturday night just like this one, waiting for my friend Joe to call. I remember being excited because there were going to be all these cute girls from school, and I hadn't really been to a party before. I mean, it was Anchorage, and there's not a lot to really do up there.
So I waited. Joe was my friend. We worked out together. We hung out at school, but only once in a while. He was a lot more popular than I was, especially 'cause he was good-looking. Since I didn't have Dan anymore (because he was abroad,) I spent my free time hanging' with Joe.
I waited longer. It was getting to be around midnight. I called his house. No answer.
Then a sinking feeling came over me. That feeling was that I got left behind.
It really hurt because I thought that part of my life where I would get rejected by my peers was over. Even in elementary school there were the taunts about four-eyes, and being a "dog."
(...)
Well, I've since had that feeling. I always wanted to be part of a group, but it's hard when you're a loner. I guess you could say that it's an oxymoron.
I was never meant to be part of a group.
Tonight I have that feeling again. It's not as strong as before especially because this kind of thing happens once in a while, but it still sucks.
What can you do, eh? I wish I wouldn't take it so personally.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Solitary Confinement
So today, I asked New Girl what she was doing after work. She offered for me to come out when she and her friends go club-hopping, right after this loft party they were going to.
I was thankful for the invite, because I didn't have anything to do and I wanted to go out.
A few hours later, New Girl comes in and tells me there's a change of plans because they were gonna stay at their loft party all night, and that tomorrow's gonna be big, so I should go out Saturday.
Now I don't know New Girl that well, but she strikes me as a person who doesn't stay in one place for too long. So I think she was trying to artfully un-invite me without really doing so. All the while she had her hands in her pockets, a glazed look in her eyes, like she was just out last night until 10 this morning, and that kind of I'm-so-stoned-right-now demeanor. That, and she deftly left the room once I started getting paged and called. Actually, it was quite cleaver, if not coincidental, that she came in during the only lull I had that day.
I think this is the part where I should realize that she isn't the kind of person I want to be hanging out with right now. I did all of that when I was a bartender. And I don't need to be friends with a person who I can tell will let me down. Maybe I'm wrong, but the signs are all there, and I'm just calling a spade "a spade."
I guess it doesn't help that B is kind of giving me the brush-off as well. I only think so because her replies back to be are, like, two or three hours after I message her, and she's been "too busy" or "tired". It's likely that she's at home watching TV, but it doesn't help the fact that I'm still bored.
I don't like it when I'm bored. I start getting lost on a tangent of loathing for about thirty minutes, when really it's that I just didn't have concrete plans tonight and that nothing's wrong with me, and I should just go to bed.
Besides, I'm kind of enjoying these early Saturday mornings. I've a lot to do today, anyway.
I was thankful for the invite, because I didn't have anything to do and I wanted to go out.
A few hours later, New Girl comes in and tells me there's a change of plans because they were gonna stay at their loft party all night, and that tomorrow's gonna be big, so I should go out Saturday.
Now I don't know New Girl that well, but she strikes me as a person who doesn't stay in one place for too long. So I think she was trying to artfully un-invite me without really doing so. All the while she had her hands in her pockets, a glazed look in her eyes, like she was just out last night until 10 this morning, and that kind of I'm-so-stoned-right-now demeanor. That, and she deftly left the room once I started getting paged and called. Actually, it was quite cleaver, if not coincidental, that she came in during the only lull I had that day.
I think this is the part where I should realize that she isn't the kind of person I want to be hanging out with right now. I did all of that when I was a bartender. And I don't need to be friends with a person who I can tell will let me down. Maybe I'm wrong, but the signs are all there, and I'm just calling a spade "a spade."
I guess it doesn't help that B is kind of giving me the brush-off as well. I only think so because her replies back to be are, like, two or three hours after I message her, and she's been "too busy" or "tired". It's likely that she's at home watching TV, but it doesn't help the fact that I'm still bored.
I don't like it when I'm bored. I start getting lost on a tangent of loathing for about thirty minutes, when really it's that I just didn't have concrete plans tonight and that nothing's wrong with me, and I should just go to bed.
Besides, I'm kind of enjoying these early Saturday mornings. I've a lot to do today, anyway.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Twenty-six And Nowhere To Grow
Yesterday the new girl from work asked me to join her for a night out of drinks and food. On a Monday.
Normally, I would be apprehensive about going out on a "school night." But I decided "What the hell," and met her out. Besides, she was kinda cute.
It turned out to be pretty cool. I met up with her and her friends at a place somewhere in Alphabet City. Every time I go to a new bar, it makes me think of the places I want to own someday.
The atmosphere was cozy and laid back. There were girls everywhere. Not bad for a Meximo, I have to say. And the drinks and food were FREE. Definately not bad.
What was funny was the whole night I was sitting in front of these younger girls and something was striking me funny. They were cute and all, but a little on the kiddie side of things. One of them kept scooping ice cubes into her sangria. The other one didn't really talk much but kept giggling next to her friend. And the last one couldn't help but talk about how grown up she was.
Then it hit me after the second drink. These girls are only 18, I thought to myself. Is that what 18-year-olds sound like?
I instantly felt old. Not really like I should be retiring old, but just a wee bit out of place.
Then my friend from work kept poking fun at me when I said I needed to go home. It was 1am. I had to be up for work in 5 hours, and all she could say was that I was a pansy. Ohhhh, that's when it really started to hit.
But I'm 26, I thought. I'm not THAT old, right?
Right?
Normally, I would be apprehensive about going out on a "school night." But I decided "What the hell," and met her out. Besides, she was kinda cute.
It turned out to be pretty cool. I met up with her and her friends at a place somewhere in Alphabet City. Every time I go to a new bar, it makes me think of the places I want to own someday.
The atmosphere was cozy and laid back. There were girls everywhere. Not bad for a Meximo, I have to say. And the drinks and food were FREE. Definately not bad.
What was funny was the whole night I was sitting in front of these younger girls and something was striking me funny. They were cute and all, but a little on the kiddie side of things. One of them kept scooping ice cubes into her sangria. The other one didn't really talk much but kept giggling next to her friend. And the last one couldn't help but talk about how grown up she was.
Then it hit me after the second drink. These girls are only 18, I thought to myself. Is that what 18-year-olds sound like?
I instantly felt old. Not really like I should be retiring old, but just a wee bit out of place.
Then my friend from work kept poking fun at me when I said I needed to go home. It was 1am. I had to be up for work in 5 hours, and all she could say was that I was a pansy. Ohhhh, that's when it really started to hit.
But I'm 26, I thought. I'm not THAT old, right?
Right?
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I feel so accomplished.
I finally got those little things done that were pissing me off for the last few months. Maybe that's why I've been so cranky at work lately, 'cause I hadn't taken care of the little things.
I got my haircut, as planned. Went totally short. I had a friend tell my boss that I shaved my head bald. It was funny, 'cause he said, "What's wrong with that boy?"
Then I got my closet organizer. It took all day and about three trips to Lowe's but it's finished. Ironically, I didn't need half the shelves, so I could have saved even more money, but it's too late now. Besides, I had been fucking with it for 7 hours.
I got that annoying running toilet fixed. The new mechanism sounds so much quieter now.
I scrubbed the tub. And the bathroom.
I installed the mini hanger in my room, so I now have a place for my coats. All both of them!
I finally got bedsheets! Blew $200 bucks on 'em, but sooooo worth it!
I got the blind for the kitchen window.
But the best part was setting up the convection oven, 'cause I needed an oven today.
I realised that I don't think I've ever made myself breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in the same day until today. I like to cook, actually. Hmmmm.
Yeah, this has actually been a great, relaxing weekend. I did all my chores, and then some, and I feel soooooooooo good and ready for bed.
I guess I never had a "normal" day in so long, it almost feels like a treat. I guess it was a good thing that B didn't call, 'cause I would have never gotten anything done (again.)
Now I've got to start working out.
I finally got those little things done that were pissing me off for the last few months. Maybe that's why I've been so cranky at work lately, 'cause I hadn't taken care of the little things.
I got my haircut, as planned. Went totally short. I had a friend tell my boss that I shaved my head bald. It was funny, 'cause he said, "What's wrong with that boy?"
Then I got my closet organizer. It took all day and about three trips to Lowe's but it's finished. Ironically, I didn't need half the shelves, so I could have saved even more money, but it's too late now. Besides, I had been fucking with it for 7 hours.
I got that annoying running toilet fixed. The new mechanism sounds so much quieter now.
I scrubbed the tub. And the bathroom.
I installed the mini hanger in my room, so I now have a place for my coats. All both of them!
I finally got bedsheets! Blew $200 bucks on 'em, but sooooo worth it!
I got the blind for the kitchen window.
But the best part was setting up the convection oven, 'cause I needed an oven today.
I realised that I don't think I've ever made myself breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in the same day until today. I like to cook, actually. Hmmmm.
Yeah, this has actually been a great, relaxing weekend. I did all my chores, and then some, and I feel soooooooooo good and ready for bed.
I guess I never had a "normal" day in so long, it almost feels like a treat. I guess it was a good thing that B didn't call, 'cause I would have never gotten anything done (again.)
Now I've got to start working out.
Friday, October 14, 2005
One For My Homey
Right about now I'm usually at B's house smoking a pack of cigarettes and watching TV. It's funny when you get used to doing something.
But tonight I'm at home, drinking a Corona and smoking alone, and I realize that I'm not with my trusty side-kick.
It's like Shaggy without Scooby. Like Tom without Jerry. Like Batman without the Boy Wonder (though technically, Batman always went solo, except for that series in the 60's.) As Forrest Gump would say, "We was like peas and carrots."
I miss my carrots!
Maybe she just needs to be alone right now. She just dumped her boyfriend (but I don't think it's for real, because her mom's coming to town tomorrow.) We've been hanging out religeously for the last three months, so it feels funny that I haven't talked to her at all since last week.
What's funny is that I know I could text her and we'd be blissfully doing nothing right now. Together. But if she needs a little space, then I'll just wait for her to buzz me.
On another note, tomorrow there are changes afoot. I'm giving up on growing out my hair and just cutting it all off. And I think a closet organizer is in my future. Mmmmmm. Wire shelving. And bed sheets. Definately some bed sheets.
To B, (sip of Corona,) here's to you, homey.
But tonight I'm at home, drinking a Corona and smoking alone, and I realize that I'm not with my trusty side-kick.
It's like Shaggy without Scooby. Like Tom without Jerry. Like Batman without the Boy Wonder (though technically, Batman always went solo, except for that series in the 60's.) As Forrest Gump would say, "We was like peas and carrots."
I miss my carrots!
Maybe she just needs to be alone right now. She just dumped her boyfriend (but I don't think it's for real, because her mom's coming to town tomorrow.) We've been hanging out religeously for the last three months, so it feels funny that I haven't talked to her at all since last week.
What's funny is that I know I could text her and we'd be blissfully doing nothing right now. Together. But if she needs a little space, then I'll just wait for her to buzz me.
On another note, tomorrow there are changes afoot. I'm giving up on growing out my hair and just cutting it all off. And I think a closet organizer is in my future. Mmmmmm. Wire shelving. And bed sheets. Definately some bed sheets.
To B, (sip of Corona,) here's to you, homey.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Airport, ho!
To think that I drove here from Colorado, all for the pleasure of having my car and taking "excursions" or "vacations" to exotic locales on the East Coast. Like Philadelphia, for example.
Boy was I ever wrong.
Instead I get to drive to the always exciting and enthralling journey to... JFK! (Somebody, hold me down from all the excitment--I can't wait to go!)
It wouldn't be so bad if I could go there, make my pick up (or drop off,) and be home in an hour's time. It takes about 25 minutes to drive there (no problem,) then AN HOUR to get from the exit to the terminal, then ANOTHER HOUR to get out of the terminal.
Now, all things aside, this only happens during heavy rainy nights.
Oh, what's that I hear? Is that the pitter-patter of the rainiest day we've had this year?
(...)
I know what's going to happen. I'm going to get my friends, come home, and tomorrow when I get to work, my boss will accuse me of "drinking" the night before, which is what he always does when I look "tired", when in fact, I haven't had enough "sleep." (Though he is right most of those times...)
Sometimes, you're just damned if you do.
Boy was I ever wrong.
Instead I get to drive to the always exciting and enthralling journey to... JFK! (Somebody, hold me down from all the excitment--I can't wait to go!)
It wouldn't be so bad if I could go there, make my pick up (or drop off,) and be home in an hour's time. It takes about 25 minutes to drive there (no problem,) then AN HOUR to get from the exit to the terminal, then ANOTHER HOUR to get out of the terminal.
Now, all things aside, this only happens during heavy rainy nights.
Oh, what's that I hear? Is that the pitter-patter of the rainiest day we've had this year?
(...)
I know what's going to happen. I'm going to get my friends, come home, and tomorrow when I get to work, my boss will accuse me of "drinking" the night before, which is what he always does when I look "tired", when in fact, I haven't had enough "sleep." (Though he is right most of those times...)
Sometimes, you're just damned if you do.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Yeesh...
Maybe what I'm waiting for is a big slap upside the head, 'cause I sure haven't sounded like myself lately.
Maybe it's all the tuna fish I've been eating. Might need to switch to Chunk White instead of Chunk Light.
Okay. Chunk White Tuna. Slap Upside Head.
Got it.
Maybe it's all the tuna fish I've been eating. Might need to switch to Chunk White instead of Chunk Light.
Okay. Chunk White Tuna. Slap Upside Head.
Got it.
Am I Really That Wrong?
There's a line from one of my favorite songs:
"After all the crushes have faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong,
I'm jaded. I hate it."
Why am I so wrong about my love life? Why do we do that, anyway? I wonder if I should stop liking a girl when I realize I like her, because it's a sign that I'm liking the wrong person.
It's so confusing.
I'm just frustrated. I'm 26, alone, and haven't had any in, like, a year.
I don't want to be a 40-year-old virgin (or not have had any in so long it seems like I am one.)
What does that mean, that I'm getting in my way? Does it mean that I cockblock myself? Do I not try hard enough?
My friend Bri said that her first impression of me was that I was creepy, because I started calling her "sweetheart" without really knowing her. I wonder if I give off a weird vibe or something.
I like being alone, though I know there is a difference. I like being single. I like coming home alone and waking up by myself.
I have to be honest: I haven't ever really known what it's like to be in a relationship. I don't know what it's like to sleep with someone every night for a few years, or have a regular date to do anything.
But I don't think I'll need to worry about that. It's like that part of me's already taken care of, like I don't need any practice or anything.
Maybe I don't need any practice at all. Maybe it's just timing. I have to say about the girls I have been involved with, that it didn't seem like I was new at dating or sex, or anything like that. Maybe it's God's way of saving me all the trouble, stress, and heartache for no reason. Maybe I don't need anything like this right now.
Ah, who knows. I guess I want something to happen right now. But it doesn't feel like now is the time for anything in my life to be going that way, even in acting. It's like something has yet to happen to me before I'm ready for everything I always wanted.
I remember a tarot card reading I had 10 years ago. I had, like 11 of the 22 special cards, and the reader said that there was something big in my life that I had to either do or change before I could be truly happy.
But what?
"After all the crushes have faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong,
I'm jaded. I hate it."
Why am I so wrong about my love life? Why do we do that, anyway? I wonder if I should stop liking a girl when I realize I like her, because it's a sign that I'm liking the wrong person.
It's so confusing.
I'm just frustrated. I'm 26, alone, and haven't had any in, like, a year.
I don't want to be a 40-year-old virgin (or not have had any in so long it seems like I am one.)
What does that mean, that I'm getting in my way? Does it mean that I cockblock myself? Do I not try hard enough?
My friend Bri said that her first impression of me was that I was creepy, because I started calling her "sweetheart" without really knowing her. I wonder if I give off a weird vibe or something.
I like being alone, though I know there is a difference. I like being single. I like coming home alone and waking up by myself.
I have to be honest: I haven't ever really known what it's like to be in a relationship. I don't know what it's like to sleep with someone every night for a few years, or have a regular date to do anything.
But I don't think I'll need to worry about that. It's like that part of me's already taken care of, like I don't need any practice or anything.
Maybe I don't need any practice at all. Maybe it's just timing. I have to say about the girls I have been involved with, that it didn't seem like I was new at dating or sex, or anything like that. Maybe it's God's way of saving me all the trouble, stress, and heartache for no reason. Maybe I don't need anything like this right now.
Ah, who knows. I guess I want something to happen right now. But it doesn't feel like now is the time for anything in my life to be going that way, even in acting. It's like something has yet to happen to me before I'm ready for everything I always wanted.
I remember a tarot card reading I had 10 years ago. I had, like 11 of the 22 special cards, and the reader said that there was something big in my life that I had to either do or change before I could be truly happy.
But what?
Friday, October 07, 2005
No More Saturdays!
Aaaaaarrrgh!
It really sucks that I have to work Saturdays again. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't so busy.
I knew this would happen eventually. But I want to have Mondays off, and my boss says, "We'll see." I mean, a simple YES would do. I don't have to keep waiting on the edge to see if I'll get one simple day off.
It totally sucks!
It really sucks that I have to work Saturdays again. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't so busy.
I knew this would happen eventually. But I want to have Mondays off, and my boss says, "We'll see." I mean, a simple YES would do. I don't have to keep waiting on the edge to see if I'll get one simple day off.
It totally sucks!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
I Dream Of Iceland
I guess I realised that one of my dreams is to live in Iceland for a year.
I just have to save enough money to do that.
Why can't I win the lottery, so I can have the money to do what I want for the rest of my life.
If money wasn't an issue, I'd move to Iceland for a year, perfect my Icelandic, then travel Europe for another year or so, then work on becoming an actor.
Maybe I should really look into making that happen in the next few years...
I just have to save enough money to do that.
Why can't I win the lottery, so I can have the money to do what I want for the rest of my life.
If money wasn't an issue, I'd move to Iceland for a year, perfect my Icelandic, then travel Europe for another year or so, then work on becoming an actor.
Maybe I should really look into making that happen in the next few years...
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Have We All Gone Our Separate Ways?
I got an e-mail tonight from an old friend from home. I wrote her back and all, trying to decide what to disclose and what to keep for later.
But while I was writing it all, I kept thinking about how long it's been since I've seen anyone from home.
I mean, there have been a few people here and there. But on the whole? Butkus.
Have I been that bad of a friend? It's funny to think that there were some people in my life who were what I considered close to me. We think that we'll never lose touch, then one day, it's almost 10 years later. And we're so quick to go, "Oh well, that's life..."
I'm not saying I want to hold on to the past, but I don't want to give up so easily. There are a few people in my life I want to keep around, but do they want to keep me?
I have to start somewhere. One friend at a time. I cannot be the same friend I was (I don't even remember what kind of a friend I was,) but maybe someone from my past will become a part of my everyday life.
That would be nice, I think.
But while I was writing it all, I kept thinking about how long it's been since I've seen anyone from home.
I mean, there have been a few people here and there. But on the whole? Butkus.
Have I been that bad of a friend? It's funny to think that there were some people in my life who were what I considered close to me. We think that we'll never lose touch, then one day, it's almost 10 years later. And we're so quick to go, "Oh well, that's life..."
I'm not saying I want to hold on to the past, but I don't want to give up so easily. There are a few people in my life I want to keep around, but do they want to keep me?
I have to start somewhere. One friend at a time. I cannot be the same friend I was (I don't even remember what kind of a friend I was,) but maybe someone from my past will become a part of my everyday life.
That would be nice, I think.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Lazy Sunday
I don't feel like doing ANYthing today. Well, that's not entirely true; this morning I did laundry. I might clean up my room.
Maybe.
I've just been farting around on the internet and looking at other people's blogs. I kind of like the other designs I see from other people. I'm looking into templates so I can modify mine.
I also have been experiencing a CRAZY Gatorade craving the last few weeks. I get upset if a store I walk into doesn't carry it. I then settle for Vitamin Water, then go on about my day.
Yeah, but I think it's the strangest thing.
Maybe I need more fruit in my diet...
Maybe.
I've just been farting around on the internet and looking at other people's blogs. I kind of like the other designs I see from other people. I'm looking into templates so I can modify mine.
I also have been experiencing a CRAZY Gatorade craving the last few weeks. I get upset if a store I walk into doesn't carry it. I then settle for Vitamin Water, then go on about my day.
Yeah, but I think it's the strangest thing.
Maybe I need more fruit in my diet...
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Some Things You Should Know About Me...
1.) I know I'm going to be an actor.
2.) I'm from Anchorage, Alaska, born at Elmendorf AFB in 1979.
3.) I went to Iceland when I was 18. Had some of the best times of my life.
4.) I'm a smoker.
5.) Occassional drinker.
6.) I love Corona. And Grand Marnier.
7.) I used to bartend.
8.) When I was 16 I decided that I wanted to live in either New York or California (see #1.)
9.) I'm currently living in New York City.
10.) I did a seven year stint in Denver, Colorado, where I learned to love Corona and Grand Marnier because I was bartending.
11.) I love watching movies. I'm especially into classic movies, like from the 40's and 50's.
12.) I don't really have a favorite musical artist, although I listen to almost everything. I'm currently into Reggaeton, and I've always loved good house music.
13.) I like to learn languages. Currently I'm learning Icelandic, Italian, and French.
14.) I would really like to meet an Icelander out here so I can practice my command of the language.
15.) I've decided that I like my own space too much to live with roommates anymore. I like living alone (for now.)
16.) I used to run a 20,000 square foot nightclub. Now I dislike large nightclubs. (I think it was all the people crowding me.)
17.) Now I like dive bars and lounges.
18.) I like the challange of trying to get what I can't have.
19.) Which is why I probably like bad girls.
20.) I love karaoke. Really bad karaoke.
21.) I tend to be a know-it-all. This is because I tend to read about anything that catches my interest, and because I like to do things myself. I don't care about being right, just get your facts straight, that's all.
22.) I like graphic design.
23.) And photography.
24.) I want to learn guitar.
25.) I don't like to be confrontational with people.
26.) But I'm learning to.
27.) I could make you a mean drink.
28.) My favorite foods are macaroni and cheese, chocolate chip cookies, and prime rib.
29.) I used to play the saxophone.
30.) I love to dance.
2.) I'm from Anchorage, Alaska, born at Elmendorf AFB in 1979.
3.) I went to Iceland when I was 18. Had some of the best times of my life.
4.) I'm a smoker.
5.) Occassional drinker.
6.) I love Corona. And Grand Marnier.
7.) I used to bartend.
8.) When I was 16 I decided that I wanted to live in either New York or California (see #1.)
9.) I'm currently living in New York City.
10.) I did a seven year stint in Denver, Colorado, where I learned to love Corona and Grand Marnier because I was bartending.
11.) I love watching movies. I'm especially into classic movies, like from the 40's and 50's.
12.) I don't really have a favorite musical artist, although I listen to almost everything. I'm currently into Reggaeton, and I've always loved good house music.
13.) I like to learn languages. Currently I'm learning Icelandic, Italian, and French.
14.) I would really like to meet an Icelander out here so I can practice my command of the language.
15.) I've decided that I like my own space too much to live with roommates anymore. I like living alone (for now.)
16.) I used to run a 20,000 square foot nightclub. Now I dislike large nightclubs. (I think it was all the people crowding me.)
17.) Now I like dive bars and lounges.
18.) I like the challange of trying to get what I can't have.
19.) Which is why I probably like bad girls.
20.) I love karaoke. Really bad karaoke.
21.) I tend to be a know-it-all. This is because I tend to read about anything that catches my interest, and because I like to do things myself. I don't care about being right, just get your facts straight, that's all.
22.) I like graphic design.
23.) And photography.
24.) I want to learn guitar.
25.) I don't like to be confrontational with people.
26.) But I'm learning to.
27.) I could make you a mean drink.
28.) My favorite foods are macaroni and cheese, chocolate chip cookies, and prime rib.
29.) I used to play the saxophone.
30.) I love to dance.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Another Six Months
I don't know if it will be a continuing tradition, but I'd like to go home to Colorado each March and August. I think it's a great idea because it's not too long or not too short in between visits. So I bought my tickets and will be going for 10 days this time.
Funny things start happening when I think about going home. A little bit is about me wondering if I'll ever hook up with those girls I never got the chance to before. Another part of it is thinking about all the lonely Coronas that will need my immediate love, care, and nurturing. Most of it is reminding myself that moving to New York was a great idea.
I think that it was. As much as I love Denver, my life didn't seem to be getting anywhere I wanted it to when I was there. Sure, I had a pretty good life, but I wasn't happy, for the most part. I kept thinking something was missing.
It's been almost a year now. I've said before that I feel different about life now. Better. But that has little to do with the city I'm in and a lot more to do with not working in a bar.
The only thing that is a bummer about moving away was that I made a lot of great friends back there. And that my best friend is still there. But that's nothing a plane ticket and a few shots of Grand Marnier couldn't fix...
And some Coronas.
Funny things start happening when I think about going home. A little bit is about me wondering if I'll ever hook up with those girls I never got the chance to before. Another part of it is thinking about all the lonely Coronas that will need my immediate love, care, and nurturing. Most of it is reminding myself that moving to New York was a great idea.
I think that it was. As much as I love Denver, my life didn't seem to be getting anywhere I wanted it to when I was there. Sure, I had a pretty good life, but I wasn't happy, for the most part. I kept thinking something was missing.
It's been almost a year now. I've said before that I feel different about life now. Better. But that has little to do with the city I'm in and a lot more to do with not working in a bar.
The only thing that is a bummer about moving away was that I made a lot of great friends back there. And that my best friend is still there. But that's nothing a plane ticket and a few shots of Grand Marnier couldn't fix...
And some Coronas.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Old Friends
Today I found some old friends. I love blogging!
It's been almost 8 years since I've talked with David and Bjarni, two brothers (twins) that became my good friends in Iceland. I recently found their blogsites tonight.
I also wrote my friend Hofi, whom I've been in touch with over the years. Maybe she has a website, too.
So we'll see. I dropped the brothers a few greetings in their guestbooks. I hope they'll write back soon!
It's been almost 8 years since I've talked with David and Bjarni, two brothers (twins) that became my good friends in Iceland. I recently found their blogsites tonight.
I also wrote my friend Hofi, whom I've been in touch with over the years. Maybe she has a website, too.
So we'll see. I dropped the brothers a few greetings in their guestbooks. I hope they'll write back soon!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
My 4th Of July Weekend
This is going to be an great but exhausting weekend. Dan comes in later tonight with my car. We'll hang out tonight and tomorrow. Thursday I bartend in Brooklyn. Friday, JB and Dana come in, but I'll be only able to pick them up and hang out for an hour or so. Then Saturday, it's Canada!
Acutally, I'm pretty suprised that I've had a few visitors from Denver. Oleha was a few months ago. And I spoke with Rianna last night and she might come in August or September as well. It's gonna be a great summer!
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I should be doing laundry while waiting for Dan, but I just want to chill out tonight.
Eh, I can do it all tomorrow.
Acutally, I'm pretty suprised that I've had a few visitors from Denver. Oleha was a few months ago. And I spoke with Rianna last night and she might come in August or September as well. It's gonna be a great summer!
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I should be doing laundry while waiting for Dan, but I just want to chill out tonight.
Eh, I can do it all tomorrow.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
My Problem - Part 1
There is something different with me.
I have a tendancy to turn problems inward, as a way of gaining perspective to see if there is something wrong on my end of things and how I can change, instead of blaming others or results of my behavior. I'm not sure is this a good or bad quality in myself.
The last couple of weeks, I've noticed a change in my relationship with my boss at work. I've been a little more confrontational instead of taking direction. I also notice how I haven't been paying attention to details. Maybe something is distracting me. He's been poking at the issue, making comments about my "attitude." And my department manager said something like, "He's getting a little too big for his britches," at the end of the day today.
My first reaction(s) were to get defensive. Then I felt a little hurt. Then I became upset with myself because I'm usually seen as a model employee, always doing what needs to be done.
It's bothering me because I've also been showing up a little late to work lately.
(...)
I'll leave off here for now. I think I can sleep now.
I have a tendancy to turn problems inward, as a way of gaining perspective to see if there is something wrong on my end of things and how I can change, instead of blaming others or results of my behavior. I'm not sure is this a good or bad quality in myself.
The last couple of weeks, I've noticed a change in my relationship with my boss at work. I've been a little more confrontational instead of taking direction. I also notice how I haven't been paying attention to details. Maybe something is distracting me. He's been poking at the issue, making comments about my "attitude." And my department manager said something like, "He's getting a little too big for his britches," at the end of the day today.
My first reaction(s) were to get defensive. Then I felt a little hurt. Then I became upset with myself because I'm usually seen as a model employee, always doing what needs to be done.
It's bothering me because I've also been showing up a little late to work lately.
(...)
I'll leave off here for now. I think I can sleep now.
Monday, June 20, 2005
The Last True Role Models
So I'm staring at a picture of Jessica Alba on my desktop and I'm wondering, "How many people look up to celebrities?"
When you think about it, Derek Zoolander wasn't too far off. "Models help people. They help them to look good." Actually, maybe it was Meekus who said that.
But, seriously, what if that's true? A person's image is so important today, how they look, act, dress, what they say, and so on. What if those in the spotlight were all we had left to aspire to? People have their inspirations from others around them, but there is always a more symbolic kind of ideal, a higher ideal to aspire to.
What if celebrities were the last true role models?
I want to be part of this group of people. Honestly, that is a reason why I want to be an actor, which is probably why I'm having trouble dedicating my life to it. Maybe I really want to just help people in the most positive way.
But I'd still like to be in pictures.
Maybe I'll end up being that kind of person, celebrity or not. At least I should try.
When you think about it, Derek Zoolander wasn't too far off. "Models help people. They help them to look good." Actually, maybe it was Meekus who said that.
But, seriously, what if that's true? A person's image is so important today, how they look, act, dress, what they say, and so on. What if those in the spotlight were all we had left to aspire to? People have their inspirations from others around them, but there is always a more symbolic kind of ideal, a higher ideal to aspire to.
What if celebrities were the last true role models?
I want to be part of this group of people. Honestly, that is a reason why I want to be an actor, which is probably why I'm having trouble dedicating my life to it. Maybe I really want to just help people in the most positive way.
But I'd still like to be in pictures.
Maybe I'll end up being that kind of person, celebrity or not. At least I should try.
Where Have All The Old-Fashioned Values Gone?
I was having a conversation the other day about relationships. My friend said something along the lines of how we can never have a relationship like our parents had because women today are becoming too equal to men, in a way.
Now, in all context, he comes from a different culture, so I understand that he means that he wants a relationship like his parents but feels like it's almost impossible to try and find that here in the City.
I don't think he's too far off from that. But that's here in the City.
To make matters worse, I found out that my aunt has been divorced from my uncle for the last 3 months. As far as I know, they had been together for something like 30-40 years.
How can you divorce someone after that long?!? I ask again: How?
Are we giving up too soon? Are we becoming so absorbed in the wrong ideals that we would rather divorce someone than fight to keep the relationship going?
Now, you're talking to a guy who still wonders about the girl he first kissed 12 years ago. And every girl after that.
I still believe in love, but I'm scared for my future. I see and hear firsthand so many people cheating on one another. I see so many heart-broken guys, thinking about relationship therapy after 6 months with their girlfriends. There are people so scared of committing that they propose moving in too soon and end up driving the other person away after a few months.
What kind of a world do I live in? What happened to "Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, girl says yes, and the rest is history?"
On the flip side, I see a few happy people. I have some married friends who are still together, and so much in love. But there are so many people who aren't.
So I ask again: Where have all the old-fashioned values gone? Why are women so wrapped up in becoming career-driven and independent, that they won't let a guy walk them home, especially when I was just being nice (like what happened to me a few weeks ago)? Why can't a guy see past his own foolishness to dump a girl who hasn't seen him in a month (like what's going on with a friend of mine at work)? Why can't people just get over themselves and admit they love each other and get it over with (like two friends of mine)?
I'm too intimidated to ask women out. Maybe it's my own fucked up deal, but it's not the rejection I fear sometimes, it's a girl who might ridicule me in front of a bunch of strangers... Now that I think about it, that's pretty ridiculous. Anyway, I'm on the subway, and all I see are blank faces. No one's checking me out. Why is that? I'm not a bad looking guy. I dress all right, I shave in the morning, I put on a little cologne. What's wrong with me?
Or is it them?
Now, in all context, he comes from a different culture, so I understand that he means that he wants a relationship like his parents but feels like it's almost impossible to try and find that here in the City.
I don't think he's too far off from that. But that's here in the City.
To make matters worse, I found out that my aunt has been divorced from my uncle for the last 3 months. As far as I know, they had been together for something like 30-40 years.
How can you divorce someone after that long?!? I ask again: How?
Are we giving up too soon? Are we becoming so absorbed in the wrong ideals that we would rather divorce someone than fight to keep the relationship going?
Now, you're talking to a guy who still wonders about the girl he first kissed 12 years ago. And every girl after that.
I still believe in love, but I'm scared for my future. I see and hear firsthand so many people cheating on one another. I see so many heart-broken guys, thinking about relationship therapy after 6 months with their girlfriends. There are people so scared of committing that they propose moving in too soon and end up driving the other person away after a few months.
What kind of a world do I live in? What happened to "Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, girl says yes, and the rest is history?"
On the flip side, I see a few happy people. I have some married friends who are still together, and so much in love. But there are so many people who aren't.
So I ask again: Where have all the old-fashioned values gone? Why are women so wrapped up in becoming career-driven and independent, that they won't let a guy walk them home, especially when I was just being nice (like what happened to me a few weeks ago)? Why can't a guy see past his own foolishness to dump a girl who hasn't seen him in a month (like what's going on with a friend of mine at work)? Why can't people just get over themselves and admit they love each other and get it over with (like two friends of mine)?
I'm too intimidated to ask women out. Maybe it's my own fucked up deal, but it's not the rejection I fear sometimes, it's a girl who might ridicule me in front of a bunch of strangers... Now that I think about it, that's pretty ridiculous. Anyway, I'm on the subway, and all I see are blank faces. No one's checking me out. Why is that? I'm not a bad looking guy. I dress all right, I shave in the morning, I put on a little cologne. What's wrong with me?
Or is it them?
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
A Little More Conversation...
So I've been searching for Icelandic learning websites and programs to help me learn this language that I've been thinking about for the last eight years. I finally joined an online group, and I think this might be the start of something cool.
(...)
On a side note, I've been having little dreams about Iceland over the last few months. It's really strange because I haven't really spoken the language since I was an exchange student. But now, I have such a desire to learn and conquor this language.
I find myself thinking in Icelandic phrases, and I realize that I remember more than I thought I forgot. Isn't that wierd?
But I guess I really desire to meet someone from there who lives in New York that would meet up with me so I can practice talking with them. I don't know to what lengths I'll have to go, but I think I should try it out.
(...)
Random!: I also need to join a gym pretty soon, as well.
(...)
On a side note, I've been having little dreams about Iceland over the last few months. It's really strange because I haven't really spoken the language since I was an exchange student. But now, I have such a desire to learn and conquor this language.
I find myself thinking in Icelandic phrases, and I realize that I remember more than I thought I forgot. Isn't that wierd?
But I guess I really desire to meet someone from there who lives in New York that would meet up with me so I can practice talking with them. I don't know to what lengths I'll have to go, but I think I should try it out.
(...)
Random!: I also need to join a gym pretty soon, as well.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
The Cycles of (My) Life
Life goes in cycles. I sometimes think that I'm the only one who notices this, but then I realize that is a silly thing to think. However, I might be the only one to sayt this online.
So what are my cycles? They go like this, but not in order:
1.) The quest for learning Icelandic.
2.) The quest for learning something new.
3.) A desire to catch up with long lost friends.
4.) A desire to improve myself in some way.
5.) A few nights of little sleep.
6.) Normalacy.
This usually happens every three months. I'm at the part where I lose sleep for a while and don't know what to do.
Tonight, I started learning Icelandic again. I also have been learning Italian. One thing I have to say that I never noticed before was that Icelandic and Italian verbs don't do any "am-ing", "is-ing", or "are-ing", but rather stay in the infinitive form of "to be." I think that's a huge step after eight years of fooling around here and there.
But I think it will be an important breakthrough in my desire to learn. Next comes verb conjugation. Ugh.
I've only been studying Italian for a few weeks and I'm picking up a lot. A funny thing happened, though. I've been thinking of Icelanic phrases as well. So I'll think of a simple sentance and think the words in Italian, then Icelandic.
I'm pretty proud of this so far.
(...)
As far as work goes, it's been great. We just finished pre-sale so now there are tons of clothes everywhere in bags just begging to be fitted (and hopefully kicked out) of all the little corners in the store. I get scared when I see a lot of backlog. But I guess it's up to me to work on that kind of stuff.
I think that now I'm moved into my new place I'll be spending more time with this journal. At least I hope so.
I also hope to run into some Icelanders soon.
So what are my cycles? They go like this, but not in order:
1.) The quest for learning Icelandic.
2.) The quest for learning something new.
3.) A desire to catch up with long lost friends.
4.) A desire to improve myself in some way.
5.) A few nights of little sleep.
6.) Normalacy.
This usually happens every three months. I'm at the part where I lose sleep for a while and don't know what to do.
Tonight, I started learning Icelandic again. I also have been learning Italian. One thing I have to say that I never noticed before was that Icelandic and Italian verbs don't do any "am-ing", "is-ing", or "are-ing", but rather stay in the infinitive form of "to be." I think that's a huge step after eight years of fooling around here and there.
But I think it will be an important breakthrough in my desire to learn. Next comes verb conjugation. Ugh.
I've only been studying Italian for a few weeks and I'm picking up a lot. A funny thing happened, though. I've been thinking of Icelanic phrases as well. So I'll think of a simple sentance and think the words in Italian, then Icelandic.
I'm pretty proud of this so far.
(...)
As far as work goes, it's been great. We just finished pre-sale so now there are tons of clothes everywhere in bags just begging to be fitted (and hopefully kicked out) of all the little corners in the store. I get scared when I see a lot of backlog. But I guess it's up to me to work on that kind of stuff.
I think that now I'm moved into my new place I'll be spending more time with this journal. At least I hope so.
I also hope to run into some Icelanders soon.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
The Right Threads
I got some new clothes today and I feel like a million bucks!
It's funny how a few garments can make you feel, especially when they feel right. I always used to buy clothes that were okay, but not really anything that fit me the right way. Always a little too big somewhere.
Well that's different now. For the first time I can really say I actually have threads that look good.
It started me on looking about with what I already have and rethinking how I could use them better. I've been getting rid of a lot of things here and there and now I'm down to a few good basics.
Yay!
It's funny how a few garments can make you feel, especially when they feel right. I always used to buy clothes that were okay, but not really anything that fit me the right way. Always a little too big somewhere.
Well that's different now. For the first time I can really say I actually have threads that look good.
It started me on looking about with what I already have and rethinking how I could use them better. I've been getting rid of a lot of things here and there and now I'm down to a few good basics.
Yay!
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Okay... She called back
My friend called me back tonight. It was great to talk with an old familiar voice again. I don't know what I get so worked up about sometimes. I guess even though I sometimes do things without thinking them through all the way, I hope they will work out.
Maybe I just shouldn't think too deeply on it. I know I say that a lot but I'm trying to keep my attitude light lately. It's not easy.
Maybe I just shouldn't think too deeply on it. I know I say that a lot but I'm trying to keep my attitude light lately. It's not easy.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Going Home
I just bought a plane ticket to Denver. I guess I could call it home because it was the last place I've been over the last 7 years. It's funny to think of one place as home since I've been constantly moving during the course of my life. I haven't been even in a single apartment for more than 2 years.
I just feel unsettled. Every time I get into a place I don't really put those little touches to make it more homey to me. I figure I'll be moving soon anyway. I guess you could put me up in a hotel and I'd be happy.
But I'm looking forward to the trip later this month. I don't feel so far away from my life back there. I still talk to quite a few friends now and again. Those little parts of my life seem closer now that I'm away. Funny, huh?
So I'll come in, visit a few friendly faces, go for a little side trip to Grand Lake, and come back. I don't miss Colorado that much, but there are a few little things that I do miss: Pho '79, La Boheme, Paris on The Platte, and the Denver Diner, to name a few. Places I used to spend a lot of time in, but so many memories from them...
I just feel unsettled. Every time I get into a place I don't really put those little touches to make it more homey to me. I figure I'll be moving soon anyway. I guess you could put me up in a hotel and I'd be happy.
But I'm looking forward to the trip later this month. I don't feel so far away from my life back there. I still talk to quite a few friends now and again. Those little parts of my life seem closer now that I'm away. Funny, huh?
So I'll come in, visit a few friendly faces, go for a little side trip to Grand Lake, and come back. I don't miss Colorado that much, but there are a few little things that I do miss: Pho '79, La Boheme, Paris on The Platte, and the Denver Diner, to name a few. Places I used to spend a lot of time in, but so many memories from them...
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
One Call
I called an old friend from home today. She told me she was in LA now, instead of New York. That bummed me out a little; I was hoping to see her. I gave her my number and she said she'd call me after work.
But it made me think again about why I want to catch up with my past so much. I guess I think of her as kind of significant in my life in a way. But I want to see several people from years ago. I kind of left high school rather abruptly and cut all ties, charging ahead and not really looking back.
Now I'm older, and I want to check into life from the past and see how it's been. I know I've changed some over the years, but every time I run into someone from before I feel like I'm still that same confused teenager I used to be.
But instead of running from it I want to understand. I want to understand so I CAN move on. I feel like I'm ready to confront all those issues I wasn't ready to face back then.
Maybe too much time has passed... Maybe I'm too late.
Back to the old friend. If she does call back, maybe I can stay in touch and keep an old friend. But maybe it's time to let this friend go. Maybe I need to grow up and let the distance that has grown between us remain. I guess if she doesn't call me I can't blame her.
But it made me think again about why I want to catch up with my past so much. I guess I think of her as kind of significant in my life in a way. But I want to see several people from years ago. I kind of left high school rather abruptly and cut all ties, charging ahead and not really looking back.
Now I'm older, and I want to check into life from the past and see how it's been. I know I've changed some over the years, but every time I run into someone from before I feel like I'm still that same confused teenager I used to be.
But instead of running from it I want to understand. I want to understand so I CAN move on. I feel like I'm ready to confront all those issues I wasn't ready to face back then.
Maybe too much time has passed... Maybe I'm too late.
Back to the old friend. If she does call back, maybe I can stay in touch and keep an old friend. But maybe it's time to let this friend go. Maybe I need to grow up and let the distance that has grown between us remain. I guess if she doesn't call me I can't blame her.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Freedom of Speech(es)
It's become more apparent to me over my last few months in New York about how much people speak their minds over here. What's even more astonishing is how the rest of us just listen or ignore those people.
Almost every other day there is someone on my train speaking against some outrage or asking for help somehow. More often than not is someone asking for a handout now and again.
But it's the way that each plight is a different one. Just today there was an outrage at the current state of affairs in the world. It's like the subway is their own personal soapbox or something.
Personally, I thought the speaker was being obnoxious, so I just moved cars.
Almost every other day there is someone on my train speaking against some outrage or asking for help somehow. More often than not is someone asking for a handout now and again.
But it's the way that each plight is a different one. Just today there was an outrage at the current state of affairs in the world. It's like the subway is their own personal soapbox or something.
Personally, I thought the speaker was being obnoxious, so I just moved cars.
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