Moving To Queens

I just finished my last car load from Brooklyn.

I just HAD to get out of the basement I was living in. I was willing to do anything to move out.

Even take a few roommates.

Now, for those people who know me personally, having a roommate was something I wasn't keen on. I rather enjoyed living alone. But there's something about living in a small, damp space that just takes the piss out of you.

Needless to say, I've gone ahead and moved in with a few people.

This accomplishes two things: First and foremost, it keeps my rent only slightly higher than it was before. Secondly, it gets be out of the basement.

I like it here. I'm spending my second night on the fourth floor, overlooking a nice, convenient view of South Astoria. A little worried about parking my car on a block where there weren't as many cars. But that's okay. The convenience kicks ass.

That's right. My new place is only steps away from everything. Grocery, mailbox, bank, diner, cleaners, laundry, Chinese food-- everything. Except the subway. Subway's still about a ten minute walk.

But only a 15 minute ride to work.

(Yes!)

Anyway, this will be the 14th time I've moved in the last 10 years of my life. But that's okay. I'm used to it.

And the last two days were no exception. I had three car loads. And a strict policy of moving without any help. Not bad in the scheme of things, but today was a PAIN in the ass. It took almost 9 hours to do this last load.

Eh-- forget it. I'm done. And moved. And happier.

I think I live in a building that's 75% women.

Which is very, very good.

Alaska, My Hometown

Going home to Alaska last week was one of the best vacations I have ever taken in the last few years.

In fact, this was my best visit home by a long shot.

The trip was mostly focused on family. It was actually the highlight of my vacation because it brought a lot of closure to questions that needed answering-- questions that I never really put into words. Well, maybe the best way to put it was that I learned to just accept certain things I realized I couldn't change.

For one, I reconciled with my the fact that my little brother is all grown up now. We had a few good talks, went out drinking-- even went to a strip club together. It's pretty cool when you can do the things with your younger sibling activities you would normally reserve for your close friends.

Other parts included accepting that although I'll never really understand my father or his mad-scientist approach to creating the next big thing, I truly do love him. And that, I guess, means that deep down I really do understand him. He showed me something that really amazed me: a book with every accolade, certificate, and letter of acknowledgment he's acquired over the last 40 years, complete with two crowning achievements-- his 98% graded soldering exam (up to NASA specs,) and a one-page account of his educational and employment history. I was floored that someone who only finished with a GED completed over 20 years of schooling and college courses (mostly in electronics and computers.) It's something I'll never forget.

Another highlight was just taking in all the scenery that Alaska has. Everywhere you drive, there's just you, the road, and the mountains (which are pretty darn close compared to most states.) It was awe-inspiring. And breath taking.

I think the better part of my trip was doing uncle-duty. I took my niece and nephew out for a few drives, some ice cream ala McDonald's, and watched them play soccer. It was there I realized that my nephew will never amount to a proper athlete (although for an eight-year-old he can draw some wicked pictures,) and my little niece is such an amazing little ball of fire. And a ham in front of the camera.

All in all, my trip was one of spending a lot of quality time. And I think that, combined with the scenic setting of Anchorage, was worth every minute of the 18-hour journey back and forth.

Why She's Not Right For Me, Vol. 1

We sat down for brunch a little after ten this morning, discussing her plans for moving here. She's in town for a week and wanted to see me before I leave to Alaska tomorrow, so brunch seemed like a good idea.

This would be our second time meeting in person. The first was over a month ago, only after weeks of speaking with her over the phone. We got to know each other pretty fast through our brief and flirtatious calls. Our first meeting was over dinner in her hometown in Florida, and although I was there to see other people, I made a side-trip to meet this intriguing, sultry woman over the phone. It was a wonder she was only 24.

Our meal was fine, punctuated with a few glasses of fresh-squeezed orange juice and coffee. We talked about her desire and drive to find a place in Manhattan over the next week, me offering her a little advice about apartment hunting.

Later, we drove and went to a few open houses, the whole while covering the main areas of Manhattan in the least amount of time possible. To save time, we looked up listings on my phone and called and e-mailed as soon as something fell into her price range. We drove through all the desirable areas-- Spanish Harlem, Upper East Side, Upper West, Alphabet City, Lower East Side, SoHo, Hell's Kitchen. We even took a side trip to Brooklyn and she squealed in excitement over her first trip over the Brooklyn Bridge while she called her mother, teary-eyed. It was a nice moment for me because I thought back to my first moments in the city almost 10 years ago.

We drove to the pier in DUMBO and took a little walk, while she explained her reasons for wanting to move here. I could feel something in the back of my mind bothering me, a subtle reason as to why I should give up this secret little crush I had for her.

I had wanted to like her. A lot. She's strong, vivacious, funny. Very intelligent. And driven. Qualities I like in a woman. And I found myself developing affection for her over the last few weeks since our first dinner together, making the time to talk to her here and there over the phone. But I couldn't deny that something was holding me back, and that little voice inside my head started talking again. You'll only be friends. Don't try too hard.

We finished our tour around three o'clock, with time for me to go home and start packing for my trip. She thanked me for the day, we hugged, said goodbye, and I drove off. I smiled knowing I did something useful today helping a new friend out.

My ride down the FDR was peaceful. I thought more about what it was about our last two meetings that made me decide to just be friends...

When the check came earlier today, she didn't offer to pay or leave a tip. And the first thing she said when we were on our way was that she didn't have any cash. I even suggested we go to an ATM and she balked, saying that she would rather go to her bank to save on the fees. Since her bank was out of our way, she declined my offer to drive her there. The only thing she paid for was the New York Times she picked up for today's classifieds, but that was after I gave her $1.25 and she realized the paper was $4.00. ($4? For a newspaper?!? C'mon, really?)

(To offer a little perspective on this, being single I've been out with my share of women, young and older, and not just in New York. Friends and dates alike, they always offer to leave something after dinner, if not deciding to split the bill. More impressively are the ones who pay alternately with me. Even PG would buy for me.)

And the last time we went out it was the same thing: she didn't pull out her card or anything. And it was her suggestion to meet for dinner. Both times she kept quiet until I paid, then thanked me.

And while discussing how much to budget for living here each month, when I brought up the subject of going out and setting aside money for that she said, rather princess-like, "Well, I'm a girl, so I shouldn't have to pay for drinks."

It made sense. She was... shrewd. And while it's a quality I admire in some people, I found it to be mildly irritating with her, like a blemish that's noticeable yet doesn't (entirely) ruin a pretty face. But it does turn you off. A bit.

So that being said, I have a plan next time we decide to go out. We'll see if I can get her to pay for dinner and a movie. I'll even make it easy on her-- dinner can be catered by a hot dog vendor.

Apartment Hunting, Alaska, and Getting Closure

I have a lot on my mind for 6:30am on a Sunday.

I went to bed early in anticipation of meeting a friend who's here on an apartment-finding trip. She'll be moving here rather soon (pretty cool,) and will be transferring jobs to my location (even cooler,) and quite possibly work in my department (fuckin' awesome!) Anyway, she wanted to meet up and asked we do breakfast and a little apartment hunting. This will be my only day to see her before I leave home to Alaska this week.

Needless to say, I woke up early, but realized soon after that it wasn't the anticipation of our meeting that excited me.

I started browsing online, looking for things I was thinking of today. (Seriously, I don't know what I would do without the internet.) Caught up on light reading (blogs.) Checked out a synopsis for the new Jet Li/Jason Statham movie (saw an ad on the train today.) Checked my messages (MySpace.) Something wasn't clicking.

Then it came to me. Today is PG's birthday. With the exception of the last three parties I ran into her at, one of which was last week, we haven't had a decent (or polite) conversation in almost 6 months. I guess there's nothing to figure out. This kind of thing happens-- people just stop talking to you, for no apparent reason. It's just life. They don't return your calls, they don't call you to say hi, they just cut you out of their lives.

I never get used to this kind of thing because I'm a person that needs closure in my relationships. But it's something that happens to me. And it never gets any easier. What makes matters worse is I tend to personalize things and end up thinking it's somewhat my fault. So it's the guilt that hurts, the possibility that I may be responsible for these write-offs that occur.

But it's not just PG, it's been happening with a few people in my world. I end up thinking that people just hate me for no apparent reason, at least no obvious reason.

But like I said, it's something I haven't gotten used to. I don't like being this venerable. I don't like being this sensitive about it.

It's times like these I was cut from a more rigid cloth.

(...)

To make matters more interesting, it'll be more of the same when I go home this week. I never thought I would be looking forward to seeing everyone again. I am, but only because it's been 10 years. The past is just that-- past. I sent out a few e-mails and got a few numbers, but I don't know if seeing everyone will be a good thing.

And while I'll be seeing those people who reached out to me, I think it's a good idea to let bygones be bygones. Sure, I'll go out to the local bars and shit, but if I run into those other people, well, we'll see.

There is one thing I looking forward to-- going to my favorite spot at home. It's a little bluff at the bottom of a neighborhood not too far from my parent's house. The sunsets there are pretty cool.

And, of course, family time.

Maybe that's all the closure I really need.

Suggestions

Sometimes all you need is a good wingman. Even if they don't know they're being one.

I took a new friend to a party with my old co-workers. I didn't think about it at the time, but it turned out to be a very good idea, because I ignored the urge to try and talk to some people I really shouldn't be talking to.

It didn't turn out to be a very social setting. We were in a lounge that was playing loud rap and hip-hop so the two of us ended up in a corner talking to each other. And things got pretty boring after an hour, so we left. On our way out, a girl I met a few times came up to me and we chatted for a minute and made polite introductions. After she left, my unbeknown wingman suggested that I ask her out. I thought that was a pretty good suggestion.

But the two of us ended going back to Brooklyn and just spent time talking. We were introduced through a mutual friend, so we had much to talk about. Before we knew it, four hours had wizzed by, so we called it a night.

Our conversation was a good one, because my new wingman lent some perspective on some things about dating in New York. Things that I would love to get into detail now, but I really have to go. See, as soon as I got home, I ran into my neighbor, who suggested I come up for a drink.

Another really good suggestion tonight.

So I'm off...

Good Friends

I am getting home from dinner with J and her boyfriend. The three of us had a great time, and the company was good, too.

It's a nice feeling to have good friends like them. They want to include me in their lives, which is unlike the sentiment I recieve from a lot of people in my life today.

These are the kind of people I want to continue to meet in my life-- genuine people.

And I guess the fact they're rare helps me appreciate them that much more.

Sappy, yes. But it's the truth.

Even after a few glasses of vino.

This Is A Test

Trying out the e-mail feature of blogger.  Now I can go mobile!

Iceland Comes To Me

My weekend social calendar is pretty booked.

Amidst all the exciting alcohol to be imbibed, and friends to be around, I am very excited to be meeting with my host sister from Iceland, Lilja.

There are a myriad of reasons for this, but the main focus for my excitement is because I haven't seen/spoken to an Icelander in almost 6 years (except for yesterday, when a family of tourists came through the shop,) let alone seen anyone I actually know.

My exchange student trip was an amazing one. If you don't already know, Iceland is one of the only countries in the world whose language is still basically the same after 2,000 or so years. This is a paramount fact that Icelanders the world over-- all 300,000 of them-- are proud of. This little fact about their language enables them to clearly understand what happened thousands of years ago, through the Viking Sagas (yes, the word saga means history, which is an Icelandic root word.) A basic understanding of their language, also regarded as one of the most difficult languages to learn, really helps to uncover what had happened many generations ago.

To go along with this, Icelanders are a very friendly people. My host family was amazing at best, and they took me in with open arms and included me in everything they did for the 10 months I was there.

Beyond that, I made many friends there, some of whom I am still in contact with today.

I was thrilled to be from a unique place like Alaska, and even more thrilled that I spent a year in a foreign country so unique as well. I was quickly known as "the guy from Alaska," and gained a lot of notoriety because Icelanders don't meet a lot of foreigners with brown skin. Needless to say, I loved being me.

A few more fun facts about Iceland:

1.) Iceland boasts to have some of the most beautiful women in the world. And speaking first-hand about this tidbit, I must claim that this is also fact. I never encountered a more savvy, more fun culture, chock-full of hotness. I fell in love almost every day there.

2.) The Blue Lagoon is one of the country's most prized tourist spots. It is said to have natural regenerative properties, due to the amounts of minerals and sulfur in the lagoon. It makes for a very relaxing, youthful spa experience.

3.) Icelanders are multi-lingual. Beside their primary language, Icelandic, most of the population speaks Danish, and English. You can choose to be educated in German, Spanish, Italian, Latin, and French, among other languages when you get to their equivalent of high school. The interesting twist to this is that the younger generation learn colloquial British English, yet absorbs American English culture through movies and television, which divides the English-speaking population between British and American accents.

This further enhances the fact that Icelanders speak in both British and American terms (i.e.: using "flat" for "apartment," and so on.) This also influences their tastes in pop culture-- many Icelanders favor British bands and American hip-hop artists simultaneously (how many people do you know love Franz Ferdinand, Blur, Wu-Tang Clan, and Tupac?)

4.) Icelanders love to travel, which means that a lot of them have been to both Europe and America, which, by my opinion, makes them a more worldly people. This is due to the fact that their capital, Reykjavik, is positioned equidistant from London and New York.

5.) The movie, Judge Dredd, was filmed in Iceland. My host dad was part of the production team that filmed the icy, mountainous scenes. Also, a little known film, The Viking Sagas, was also filmed there.

All of these facts were offset by the fact the bar scene also has a legal drinking age of 20, and to frequent the bars and clubs wasn't hard. They loooove to drink. And have lots of sex (there isn't much else to do up there in cold Scandinavia.) I was glad to be a part of it. Soooooo much fun!

I'm looking forward to seeing Lilja again. There's a lot of catching up to do.

Lilja is very dear to me. She helped make my foreign exchange experience a very good one. This was because I went to school with her, and she helped my transition getting integrated. My other host sister, Bjork (no, not the Bjork,) went to a different school and had a more demure personality (and a boyfriend to which they both rarely came out of the house.)

So I am very thrilled to be reuniting with Lilja, since it's been almost 10 years since I've seen her. I hope to be speaking a lot of Icelandic this weekend, which will be a refreshing highlight to an other-wise fun weekend.

Addendum

Okay. Maybe she will call you.

But don't expect anything.

Some Things I Learned This Weekend (In Florida)

1.) Never travel 100 miles to go on a blind date if you don't have reliable transportation (like a rental car.) A Greyhound is NOT an acceptable form of transportation. And rental cars are expensive for deposits. Just don't go.

2.) Never show up to the bus station less than 1 hour of your scheduled bus ride. You'll get bumped to the next schedule. And end up spending 6 hours frustrated.

3.) If your date arrives dressed more casually(read: flip-flops, jeans, and a baseball cap) than you are, you will not be having sex. This is the message she is sending you.

4.) Have a solid plan to get back to your point of origin. Don't "wing it," or "see how it goes." You will be shelling out for a hotel room. Alone.

5.) No matter how cool the chick is or turns out to be, assume that this meeting will be a one-off; she won't be calling you when she comes to your town. Just accept it.

6.) Even though she will say that she's a "private" person, someone you know will find out that you met them recently. Don't be surprised if they ask about your so-called "date."

7.) Be wary of body language. Most girls today aren't appreciative of modern-day chivalry (i.e.: offering jackets, opening doors, paying for dinner, etc.) They will only see your actions like the way Chris Rock pointed them out. ("May I get that for you-- May I get you some dick?") Your seemingly harmless chivalry will only be interpreted this way, albeit being somewhat true.

8.) Agree to go dutch. That way you won't feel like a tool when you end up shelling out for dinner, just because you're a "nice guy." This will also lessen the blow when you get the "hug" at the end of said date.

9.) You're better off trying to date someone closer to home. At least the cab rides aren't that bad.

Ugh. Learning experiences, huh?

I'm (Not) Looking At You

I feel compelled to write about last night's (non) encounter with PG, only because I find it interesting how two people, in spite of friendship and a small disagreement, can be in close proximity. And pretend not to know one another.

I've written about our "fights" before. This will be the longest bout between us, only because we no longer work together, thus the chances of our bumping into each other will be significantly smaller.

But hey, it's New York, right?

I went to this small bar on the LES, to attend the birthday party of an old work friend, Pinchie. I didn't think I would see PG there, only because she doesn't seem to be friends with Pinchie. So while I was having a great time with Pinchie's friends and family, PG kept her back to me the whole time. This gave me ample opportunity to admire her legs. I guess not all fights have to be bad, right?

I think the best part was when I went to grab my beer from the bar. I know PG saw me coming, because she purposely didn't look back when I tapped her on the arm to move aside. I just brushed past her saying, "Excuse me," then promptly took my Corona from the bar. I sensed she was anticipating me trying to talk to her, because she froze slightly when I spoke.

Then I caught her looking my way the rest of the night. Not like before, though. I would just catch her right after her eyes would dart away.

What intrigues me about the whole spectacle was that I was a little turned on by the whole thing. Maybe because she seemed to put so much effort into ignoring me, it seemed like she was trying to accomplish the opposite and garner my attention.

That probably explains why I was checking her out.

On The Thought Of Becoming Twenty-Eight

I'll be 28 next Friday.

I had somehow thought I would be a little more accomplished by this age seeing as how I used to think that "almost 30" was so old. I thought I would have a degree, a wife, a home in the suburbs, and 2.5 kids. I thought I would have a moderately successful movie career.

Pipe dreams, all of them.

I made a semi-evaluation [scroll to bottom] almost 2 years ago. I think that where I am now in my life is a lot better than I thought it would be, especially since there seems to have been a shift in my thinking. It seems that I feel now is when life is starting for me; that now is when I can start to have the experiences I want to have.

I realize that being (or becoming) 28 is the start of a whole new chapter in my life. It's been 10 years since high school, and yet it's taken me this long to get my act together. But hey, no one said there was a deadline on life-- you take it as it comes.

And I would say that my general outlook on life is great.

1.) Although I'm not dating (actively) per se, I have continued to be confident toward the opposite sex. I'm not afraid to hold a passing glance at a girl on the train. Talking to hot women all day (I met a bikini model today,) has deafened the terror of talking to women in general. And I'm not as superficial as I used to be. To me, hot girls are nice to look at (and talk to,) but the girl-next-door turns me on a bit more.

I even got an e-mail today from a woman I bought a camera from a few weeks ago asking if I was single. (Definite plus, because although she's married, I think she wants to set me up with someone. Not even my friends would do that for me.) Especially funny since I was very professional and NOT flirting with her.

2.) I love my job. I'm selling shoes (among other things,) and I'm having a great time. I feel challenged; I can grow with this company. And it's nice not to be at the top-- currently I'm in the middle somewhere, not at the bottom, but not at the top. Yet.

3.) I'm caring less about what others think and more about what I think. I didn't use to have this kind of confidence, but I'm starting to see why it's important to be unfaltering on your path in life. People will try to influence you, but in the end you have yourself to look after.

4.) I'm making new friends. Different friends. There's the new people I work with, but those friendships will come over time. But I'm making friends outside of that. And that's always a good thing.

5.) I will be traveling more. First is Florida. Then Chicago. Then Denver. Then Alaska. Then (hopefully) Italy, which will be a major accomplishment.

6.) To go along with the above, I'm continuing to learn. Languages are my passion of late. I find myself currently studying Italian and French at the moment. Soon will be Spanish and Russian. And it's funny because where I work, I get to practice quite a bit (we get a lot of tourists.) I hope to be fluent in all of them over the next 5 years.

7.) And I'm reconnecting with my past loves. Photography is resurfacing as a (former) hobby of mine. Graphic Design. And soon, music.

8.) I have a plan. I want to have things within the next 5 years. A sizable 401K. A home. A motorcycle. I have things I want to do. I have places I want to go. I have a better grip on how I want my life to be.

These are (some of) the things I want to make happen in my life. Some of them are things I already have-- others are goals I can obtain. But the greatest change from before to now is my attitude; that I can accomplish them.

I think this is why my life is better at (almost) 28 than where it was ten years ago. It's a full-circle that has brought me to move forward. A nice, albeit interesting, piece of irony.

It seems that I may become more accomplished than I would ever have dreamed of in the first place.

Working Day And Night

Or so it seems my recent foray into the world of women's shoes has been.

I can't seem to stick to my schedule. Today I was supposed to work until quarter after five. I stayed the extra few hours because I had a client coming in (and she really needed a new pair of shoes.) Women are funny creatures when it comes to shoes-- they say they want ONE thing, then halfway through they'll settle on a COMPLETELY different item.

But hey, a sale is a sale.

But I'm doing just fine. I've never been one to turn down a client, even if it means I'll come home later. I just feel that if they're making the effort to come down, I should stay with them until the end. I think it's good form, to follow through.

And the late nights don't bother me.


(Cue Michael Jackson:)

You got me workin', workin' day and night (hee hee hoo!)

My New Fix

I have a new toy.

It's a (sweet) SLR digital camera that I got last week. I'm so proud of myself because I bought it off craigslist at over half-off the original. Yeah, it's used, but it's f*ing sweet, just the case.

This will be the first major purchase I've made in a long time, and I'm happy for doing so, only because photography is an old hobby of mine. I actually have a few photo shoots coming up, and I needed to get equipment, fast.

Now that I have that covered, I have about 300 pages of manual to learn it. Again.

Hells yeah!

(...)

Oh, and I think that actress from Ally McBeal came in today. The blonde with the curly hair. I couldn't stop staring, just because she was really pretty. She was being helped by someone else, but I couldn't help but make small talk with her (secretly, when her sales person was off the floor.) We chit-chatted about what shoes she should take. I would like to think it was my opinion that made her settle on the gold ones, but who knows?

It wasn't even that she was a star, it was that she was beautiful. I don't think it clicked about her being an actress until after she left.

I think I'm in love.

Don't Be Coy

I hate it when girls like to play games. Friend or not, they always seem to try and get the upper hand.

B was just like that tonight. There was a mutual friend's party at a bar (which was, no less, a block from my sister's house-- bonus,) and she came late with her boyfriend a couple of other mutual (ex) work friends.

I tried to talk to her. Twice. I thought perhaps she would have a smoke with me and we could chat. But both times, she purposely invited someone else along to avoid having to talk to me.

Both times she came without a jacket. And both times I offered her mine. And she accepted. The second smoke break, I grabbed her by the elbow to see if she would talk to me. Walking away hurriedly, she motioned that she had something else more important to do.

I really don't know why all the effort.

I made one last attempt, too. During the second smoke break, I took an extra cigarette, just to see if that would cue a "talk." Nope. Her move to block was having the friend's boyfriend continue useless banter. I could tell it was forced because he was running out of things to say and she was forcedly engaging him in conversation.

Needless to say, I even opened by buying her the first drink. Even her boyfriend didn't do that. Weird, huh?

I made one final ditch to chat. When she got up to leave I asked her to talk. A few feet from the group. Her excuse to go into detail was that she was inebriated. There were details about her leaving, then me taking a trip, so realistically, there would be 4 weeks before we could really "chat." I gave up and said all right, as long as we were okay until then. She agreed.

Then outside, when they were leaving I made a final play. "What are you doing Sunday," I asked.

"Nothing. I think," she said.

"Great, then I'll call you."

She said nothing. I trumped her. Finally!

Even if we don't talk, for her this is extremely weird. Extremely.

Settling In. Again.

Today I met my (new) job head-on.

I think the best part about my attitude is I DON'T CARE about making friends. I'm there to work. I caught a few glances today-- people who are watching me. A few of the people in my department are really friendly; the rest aren't trying to get to know me. Those are the ones I know are going to feel threatened by me.

I have learned that it's good to have enemies. Sometimes.

It was my second day at the new job, and I was raring to go. My new uniform was altered, I had business cards, and I completed all the training I would need to. (Sidenote: I spent my day off yesterday studying the merchandise for this season. It felt like I was cramming for a huge exam.)

Seriously, I give extra points to my new job for having everything ready for me so quickly.

Anyway, I thought there would be more training. Nope. We had a product meeting this morning, I had an espresso, then I went out into my new world and started selling.

Admittedly, I felt a little intimidated by the fact that I know very little about shoes. But I got over that after my third customer. It seems that the majority of the people I helped today knew exactly what they wanted, which is a marked difference from the world I just came from. I really did very little in the selling aspect. In fact, I helped a girl today who cried out, "Sold!" as soon as I told her the shoes she was trying on would work with jeans. I just smiled. Then shut up. It was that easy.

And people, I cannot BELIEVE how many kids carry cash on hand. This kid from high school-- high school-- dropped cash for his pair of shoes. And they weren't $50 either. Ho. Ly. Cow.

I know I raved about how much I loved my job a month ago. But I think I'm gonna like this one better.

(...)

I ran into PG's sister tonight on the way home. Turns out she was looking for me at my old job and they told her I was gone.

Now, she knows PG and I are not speaking. And even despite all of that, I actually get along with her sister pretty well. I adore her as a person. It's like she's my little sister. We talked about her job (she's working with some people I used to work with,) and her underage drinking escapades-- apparently PG doesn't know she drinks *shhhhhh!,* and her upcoming birthday, which, quite frankly, I would celebrate without PG just because I think the girl is cool.

So we exchanged phone numbers and parted ways. I had told her to say hi to her sister (out of habit,) then caught myself and said, "Forget it. We're not speaking."

She replied while walking away, "Don't worry. I'll get you guys back together!"

I hurriedly answered, "Whatever."

I thought the sentiment was sweet. But I wonder if her sister thinks there's anything between us. We're not speaking. And I'm tired of being put "on hold." I don't know why she's being a turd right now, and I really don't want to deal with it. Her sister is amazing, though, and it's funny because I feel obligated to keep a separation between us necessary. Just because it seems appropriate.

All in all, we'll see. I don't think that I should let a broken friendship get in the way of a new one, even if they're related. But I also don't think it wise to let a relative get involved in something better left alone, especially since things are kind of fragile at the moment.

Secretly, I hope things could work out. But that's only in the corners of my mind.

For now, I should worry about selling tomorrow.

Ride The Storm

I spent the first nice day we've had this summer at my favorite place.

There's a little promenade in Brooklyn overlooking the city. It's just under the Manhattan bridge in a little chic neighborhood called DUMBO. I would love to live there, but perhaps 5 years ago, before it became chic.

Anyway, it's got the most amazing view, and I spent the last moments of the sunset watching the water and making a few phone calls.

I called my (now-ex) GM. I kept it brief and expressed my desire to move forward with my decision to leave. I also told her I was very moved by the sentiment expressed by the management team. They really touched me in expressing their feelings they had toward me, and in only based from a few weeks. She wished me luck and asked that I stay in touch. I told her I would.

And I know what will happen next. This next job will be challenging. It may take a while for me to find my place, only because I'm in a new environment.

Boss and I spent the day together. Yes, despite the feelings I've expressed about my work history with him, we're actually friends outside of work. And it's a good thing, because he really gave me a lot in preparing me for this moment. A lot of good advice and mentoring in my development over the last almost 3 years. I have the confidence to take this next position mostly because of Boss' investment in me, albeit indirectly.

Anyway, we went to Costco and got some things he needed. And we talked about my next move. He's still behind me and thinks it's a good decision overall. And I trust his opinion, because it's one of the only solutions where we both win-- I won't become a potential "threat" to his business, I get to develop my own standing, and we can stay friends. And he's a good friend to have. For a lot of reasons.

Ultimately, I feel this is the best course for me. Should I decide to stay with the (old) company, I don't think I would be happy in the long run. I would always be wondering "what if." I told this to my GM. I also expressed that this is the first decision I get to make on my own merits, and not "influenced" by anyone else.

That is what I believe is the most empowering point to all of this. I don't need to fix something I think is broken. I'm moving on. Just like with PG. And B. And a lot of other things in my life I cannot do anything about.

And it's through this decision that I'm also setting the tone for the rest of my life. I gave each and every one of those parts my all. I gave my heart (and sometimes) soul to those elements in my life. They didn't work out-- great. Okay. Let's try something else. Let's stop worrying about the past. And let's move on to what could be my future.

It's with that I realize that I will come back to these unresolved matters in the future. With B, I will find a way to fix things. PG can fuck off. I gave her more than a few chances, and it seems like she's taking things the wrong way.

Anyway, all in all, tomorrow will be a great day. It's a new beginning. And I feel ready to take on the storm that life will bring.

I can ride it out now.

Last Day

I've said before, I'm never one for goodbyes.

Had one final talk with my GM. And after that, another final talk with all the managers. They didn't want to see me go. They even made one last play, asking that I think about things after tonight.

But they know my decision is made.

I did all the important things. Divided up the clients I've developed amongst the team. Put all my receipts, paperwork, and faxes in a box.

I even sold a little today. Just a little. Today was fun, though. The fish weren't biting, but I still committed to the very end.

And I'm proud of my work. I performed better than expected. I think ultimately, this is how you should leave a job-- fully committed to the last possible moment. And even now, my job isn't finished. I still have to follow through with a few items. But that is something I will do next week.

Monday starts a new career. And I still feel that this is the right move to make. I explained that my reasons are because I feel that I am in control and not at the whim of other factors. The fact that I'm leaving while things are good means that this is more along the lines of a good decision.

And that's what I know it will be.

Parent For A Day

I had a good day with the kids (niece and nephew.) Sister was having a business lunch with her husband, so I gladly volunteered to pick them up after school and do their activities.

It was interesting being a "parent" for a day, mostly because I got to see this whole new world for a few hours today. And while I think that parenting is a universal thing, New York parenting seems to be on a completely different level.

It's nerve-wracking to be a New York parent. There just seems to be so much more danger at every turn. I felt my heart leap out of my chest a few times when I couldn't find my niece at the playground (little turd ran so damn fast when I turned around to her brother,) and started worrying about the germs they were picking up just playing in the sandbox.

But kids are amazing. Resilient. Fearless. Brazen. You almost have nothing to worry about.

Almost.

I think the one moment that made my day was this kid at the sandbox. I swear he must have been 4 or 5. He stood up in front of everyone and was pretending to be the host for a kids show, complete with sing-alongs. Now, there were at least 20 kids at the sandbox and almost as many parents. No matter how many or how few were paying attention, this kid just belted out song after song. Didn't care who was watching. Stayed in character the whole time. By the end of the second or third song, even I was clapping, just because I was impressed. Simply impressed.

Anyway, the three of us just had a ball. Soccer, pizza, ice cream (twice.) I'm a rad uncle. And I had fun driving them home during rush hour traffic. It was a nice Friday afternoon down Lexington Avenue.

We got home and I cooked dinner. Homemade pomodoro al fresco. With spaghetti. And somewhere along there I fell asleep for a quick nap.

So it was fun being a parent for a day. I'll be fine when I have kids. Just not in this city.

But you never know.

The Devil You Know...

...Is Better Than The Devil You Don't.

Those are the words of wisdom a good friend parted on me today.

And it does create a sliver of doubt as to whether or not my choice will be a good one.

Granted, my friend does work for the company I work for. Currently. But he's also the only one who wanted my succession to be at my current position. There is a little part of me that still believes in loyalty and making sacrifices for a greater good in the long haul. But there is also a part of me that sees why I should be making this choice right now.

Why I Should Stay:
1) My current managers love me. This is because I get along with all of them great. No qualms. They love that I produce. They love that I take initiative. And don't complain. And despite my tendency to challenge, I have received no problem feedback. So far.
2) Another associate just quit. And he's established. That's almost given business to me. More opportunity to succeed beyond what I planned.
3) I'm on a roll. I finished 4th in the company last week. That is huge! Especially for a new associate. And that was despite a slow week. Within a month of being there.
4) I'm building relationships. A little of my business so far has been with corporate employees. And they love me. I am willing to work for them and call them until they get annoyed. As long as they get what they want. Right?
5) I can shine. I know where I stand with my current staff. I can still succeed with the current staff in place. I have all the skills to make the extra dollar. It doesn't bother me that they don't like me. Who gives a fuck? Really?

Why I Should Go:
1) I was passed over. I really wanted a job at my old store. Granted, it's another division in the company, and I was definitely qualified, but I was passed up. Three times. Then I was told I was not qualified.
2) Boss has too much influence. And if he's able to affect my old GM's decision to keep me from working there, then I wouldn't want to work with him, anyway. Fuck that.
3) Volume. Just on volume alone, I can succeed at this new position.
4) Message. The underlying reason is to send a message to the people that matter: Fuck You!
5) Success. While I still have yet to determine my level of success with the new company, the only way I feel I can get the other party to take me seriously is to make a statement now.

Does that make any sense? It isn't about money as much as it is about respect.

Respect.

Doesn't anyone know the meaning of the word today?

Counter-Offer

I met with my (current) GM today.

We hadn't had the chance to talk since she went on holiday almost two weeks ago. Since my notice is almost up, she asked if we could have a moment to speak.

It's how (in my mind) most conversations go when your current employer doesn't want to lose you. We went back and forth over the benefits to my staying, the growth of the company division, and the potential for my future. I argued that where I would be going will be a better opportunity.

I felt that she wouldn't give up on me unless I gave her an answer so I gave her the ultimate stall tactic: I said I needed to think about things. I told her that we should meet on Saturday, which is my last scheduled day. This is for added effect.

There is only one question to ask at this point. If she believes in me that much, then I should ask her if she would let me come back if my new venture doesn't work out. A reasonable time frame, like a month, I think would be acceptable.

To me, it's a win-win argument. If the answer is "yes," then I could say that I have nothing to lose and should see this arrangement through, on the grounds that I can have my position back, although I understand that she can't "hold" a job for me. If the answer is "no," then I should agree that my decision to leave is a good one. After all, why would I want to work for a manager that throws out ultimatums or "last offers"?

I think that this course of action would be the best, only because I've made my mind up. There really is nothing I can think of at this point.

Can you?

Breaking Up Is (Fun!) To Do

Giving notice to your old bosses is kind of like telling an ex that you're "moving on."

You know, it's not you, it's me, and I think we're better off seeing other people. Ouch.

At least, that's what it felt like all day yesterday. I went by the old job after completing paperwork for the new one, and proceeded to share the news that I would be moving to another company.

I'll be honest-- part of my doing so was because a) I was practicing professional courtesy, and b) I wanted to spread the news instead of Boss doing so (that little gossip!) But the other part was to send those people who passed me up a nice, big, fat middle finger. In a way, it was like telling that ex to "sod off," and that you're moving on to greener pastures (or a much, much, hotter new relationship.)

So there was a mild satisfaction I received out of it. Albeit to my (non) surprise, Boss had already told a few people before I came by on Friday (read: the whole store already knew.)

And I'm not sad for doing so. In a way, it was a (huge) blessing that I got passed up and looked over-- it just spurred my determination to perform better.

And speaking of performing, I just closed on a personal best this week! My performance this week was on par with the top associates in my store. I will probably finish #2 in sales this week, which isn't bad for only a month.

I plan to give my last week my absolute best and make my sales goal for the month, even though I'll be leaving a week early. I told my managers that I would see this job through, even though I gave notice. It's the least I could do.

Message

I left a message for Cute Girl last night. It went straight to voicemail when I called at around 9:30pm, which made me think that she might have a night job. Maybe.

"Hi, this is Recess Monkey. I wanted to call you and say thanks for the cup of coffee last week. I would like to ask you out so that I can repay the favor. And I thought I should tell you that since I've met you, I've been having a lot of good luck lately, so I would like to continue my lucky streak and see you again.

"Give me a call when you're free this week. (My number.) Talk with you soon. Ciao."

That didn't sound too cheesy, did it?

I guess if she doesn't call back by the end of the week, I should forget about hearing from her. For now, at least. I even thought I would try and gift her a coffee card-- just to make one last effort, but that is something the old me would have done, so I vetoed myself. Then I proceeded to scold myself for being such a sap. It should be enough that I've called her. Twice. If she doesn't reply, then she must not be interested.

It's a wrap. Move on. Too bad, sweetie.

I remember this guy I used to work with speak of "the law of averages." Basically, the more women you go out with (hot or not,) the better your chances of finding someone you'll be happy with. Now, I'm not entirely sure I want to start dating women at random, although I have been noticing more attractive women randomly lately...

Hmmmmmm. Might need to do the math on this one.

On The Thought Of (Relative) Adulthood

Tonight I caught up with an old friend.

I think the strangest phenomenon for me is realizing how fast time has been flying in my life. I have a lot of friends from the city I lived before NYC, and I stay in touch with a good number of them. It's often when I'm talking with them, when I think of all the moments leading up to our current friendship at present, when I start getting a funny feeling: I'm going to be 30 very soon.

And with that is the realization that every one else's life is progressing toward adult-hood. It's natural; people getting married, buying houses, having a kid. Having another kid.

These are the same people I partied my ass off with almost 7 years ago. Back then, life was in no certain terms. We didn't have stable jobs or "career paths," for that matter. We were transient, moving from relationship to relationship, from city to city, apartment to apartment.

Now, it seems, life slowed us down a bit. 401K's are of concern. The financial ability to buy a house is suddenly a valued commodity. Being able to raise 1.5 kids is a viable skill set. All the accoutrements that come with being an adult are now overshadowed by the looming responsibility of debt, death, and taxes.

It's a strange place to be. Outside of this circle. Reasonably speaking, I don't fall into these certain terms. I've still got my relative youth (read: freedom.) No girlfriend, new job, almost zero-debt. I have my whole life ahead of me at this point.

But I'm starting to think differently. I'm starting to make plans for nest eggs and "the future." I catch myself thinking about the "next step in my life," and it scares me, quite honestly. I didn't think these things mattered until now.

In a few short years, it seems, I think they will.

2 Weeks Notice

I gave my two weeks last night.

I think this has been the first time since I've started working that I've ever given a company notice because I was taking another job. I've had "extenuating circumstances" in the past, but nothing that was professionally driven.

I was a little nervous. I didn't want to do it this week, but my GM was taking vacation for a week and would be leaving today. I had printed my letter of resignation the night before and saved it on a flash drive, just in case I would need to use it sooner. When no one was using the computer (or looking,) I printed it, signed, and kept it in my pocket.

She looked a little surprised when I told her. I mentioned that the other company approached me, although I sought them out a long time ago. Then she asked if I had any reasons at my present job to influence my decision to leave...

I thought about this a moment. It just so happened that within the previous 24 hours I went through an ugly ordeal involving a customer's order. The package was lost. And it took me 2 hours of my day off to track it down. Over the phone. And it was the lack of urgency on my management team's part that really turned my screws about the whole situation. I called back and forth between two offices, perhaps, 15 times before the matter got resolved.

When I got to work yesterday, my GM apologized for the mix-up. Her undertone with the matter was to implicate the individual who packed my things, saying that he had a few complaints already against him. I did my best not to press the issue, only because that wasn't where I felt the competency lacked. Later that day, I found out the package was mis-delivered. Again. They resolved the matter, but because I found no one had told me, I was a little more infuriated.

Then I got reprimanded for another separate incident where I went over her head to get an answer from our corporate office. Or it seemed, at least, to her.

So I thought before I answered. It would be unwise for me to pass the buck on what transpired over the last day. And my other reasons for leaving would be unfounded, because I would have to take issue at my old store. So I said my decision was purely professional. No need to burn bridges now. Or ever.

I handed my letter and smiled, keeping the conversation as light as possible. I decided to keep my future place of employment a secret for now. The only people that know are a few from my old job, and I won't make an official announcement until the last possible minute. I'm sure that my GM will tell my old store, then everyone over there will know before I get to say anything.

Sure enough, at the end of my shift one of my managers asked where I would be going. I said I would not be telling for now. She pressed, asking if it was a financial decision. I said it was. Then she asked if I would be doing the same thing-- selling. It was at this point I tried to end the conversation. I told her that despite my decision, I really respected her style of management.

This took her by surprise. She smiled as she held the door open for me. I offered my help over the next two weeks, mentioning to let me know if they want me to end my employment sooner, and that I would understand.

My walk home felt good for a change. I feel good about this decision, albeit the suddenness. And I decided that I wouldn't be making any more moves for a while. Not for the next couple of years, anyway.

Unless I get offered a part in a movie.

I Confessed

Tonight I told someone I know that I blog.

It's like revealing your secret identity in a way. For most of us, blogging has the capability of being anonymous, allowing us to be free about expressing our feelings, thoughts, desires, and general hub-bub. But that's the whole key: anonymity. Some people choose not to be, and that's okay, but it's a release to be able to freely talk about anything knowing it can't get back to haunt you at a later date.

I tried to be vague about things. I was relaying on how it's easy to do so if you keep things anonymous, and even then, if someone you do know finds your page at random, you'll have changed enough of the names, places, and details for any ties to come back to you.

So I got home and went right to my computer. I did a search, just to test and see if anything could come back to me. Just to be safe.

First I searched my e-mail. Nothing. I was relieved.

Then I searched my name. There were enough hits just with that, but no links to my blog or any posts. I felt even better.

Then I typed my First and Last name, followed by "blog."

One entry came up in front of a lot of random links. This link was a comment that I posted to someone almost two years ago.

I flipped down to the comment page, where my name, all bright in hyperlink stood out. I cringed. I clicked on the link, barely looking at the screen.

There it was. My blogger profile. Along with the link for this blog.

Shit. I'm screwed. If he, or anyone I know, gets that cleaver...

I'm not too worried, only because I don't gossip about anyone. It's the personal things I'm concerned with. There are a few mentions to people we work with, but hopefully I've been vague enough. And even if he told those people, (I'm counting on the hope that he'll keep quiet about things,) it's even more of a tiny chance any of it will get back to me.

I'm crossing my fingers.

My New Alarm Clock

I have never, in my life, been woken up by my stomach. From hunger. Indigestion, perhaps. But that was when I was a teenager and eating an entire Pizza Hut pizza seemed like a good idea. No, it's not. Or when I was a bit younger and thought you could survive off Corona, cigarettes, and a late-night helping of Monica's Idea/Mass Confusion at the Denver Diner. (This is a breakfast mountain of biscuits, scrambled eggs, white gravy, and topped with bacon bits.) Also not a good idea. But I digress...

My tummy went off at 5:45am, blaring like an alarm clock. Mind you, my clock isn't set to go off until 7am. Growl! Growl! Growl!... I shot out of bed and pacified myself with a small glass of OJ, but that's so I can sleep for another 30 minutes (after I write this.) No need to upset an already upset stomach, right?

Geez! I didn't think eating 6 times a day would have this kind of effect on me. It is working, though, as the spare tire around my tummy has gone from the size of an inner tube to the size of a hula-hoop. Or at least it feels that way.

Maybe it's anxiety over what I will be doing for a job over the next few weeks. On one hand, with Offer #2 I could be earning a lot more money. On the other, longevity with my current employer might be a better fit.

But I remember thinking that Offer #2's benefit program had a free gym membership. And I've been scheming on a way to get to the gym for free. Hmmmmm.

Must deliberate more on this. After a huge breakfast.

I love breakfast.

Things Are Moving Along

So I got the call from Offer #2.

They want to make an offer.

It was against my usual rules for professionalism (don't search for another job at your current one,) but I made an exception, mostly because this has been going on for almost 6 months now. And just as I was talking to their HR department, one of my managers comes back to make a phone call.

I wasn't nerve-wracked, mostly because I observed that people tend to be self-absorbed with their own "shopping lists" (Did I leave the gas on?) kind of things, so I tried to ask and reply as cryptically as possible, keeping the questions and answers as ambiguous as possible. This is so that I can always say that I've got to see the doctor, dentist, or take my car in for repair. I set up an appointment for later this week, which gives me a few days to think things over. And get a much-needed haircut.

Most of what has been going through my mind is the aftermath of what will happen if I take the job and subsequently give my notice.

Yes, my reason would be mostly money-driven (and this job could pay significantly more,) but a lot of it is because my current position isn't what I really wanted. It felt as though I was shuffled off to the side. Now, while there has been a lot of buzz about me-- I say this because a lot of the company people have said, "I've heard a lot of good things about you," that still doesn't make up for what I've come to realize has been a political move to transfer me out for a lot of reasons I don't want to go into right now. A lot of it has to do with (now ex-) Boss. And just because I'm making more money here doesn't mean there isn't something better out there.

I'm just contemplating if I should write a letter stating my reasons for leaving. It's not a wise move, considering the old adage that you should "never burn your bridges." And perhaps that might just be the rule to follow.

I am tempted, though.

(...)

I called Cute Girl (which will be her name for now, until things progress.) Message. That's okay, since I waited a few days. Admittedly, I've been thinking about her a bit, but I'm trying to keep things in perspective since I just met her.

(...)

I did talk to PG today, when I called the old job. She was answering phones today because there was no one else on Mondays. I asked how she was doing. "Not good," she said, which has been her answer the last few weeks. She said that it was because she was sick, but I know better. She's been going through a really rough patch since last year after she graduated college. Searching for jobs, but no really good offers. In and out of the company. She's really frustrated right now because of it, and it seems to be taking a toll on her. Timing maybe. Who knows. I asked if she would call me soon. She said she will. I don't know when that will be, but I'm sure it will happen. She knows I care about her still. I just don't know to what degree she cares back.

But that's the way things happen with me. Eventually. And right now, things are looking up.

So it's only a matter of time.

Okay, Now What?

So the girl from yesterday? As promised, I went to the cute girl's job during my lunch. She was there, working on some stuff with a customer. I walked over and said hello. She looked up and smiled. "Oh, what a nice surprise," she said back. I saw she was busy and said I would walk around a bit.

Truth be told I was only coming in to say hi. But she said she was about to take her lunch and asked if I wanted to join her. "Sure," I said, "but I can't stay long." I waited around a bit more and wandered around.

[**SIDENOTE: I should mention that one of the reasons I decided I liked her was that she is European. (Extra points for being exotic.) I find I have better luck with non-American girls. (Or if they are American, they tend to be older-- which might explain the pass Kim made at me.) She's from the Ukraine, originally, which has no bearing other than it means that she's not from here, which to me, means I have a better chance of getting along. And perhaps that's been my stigma all along: dating American girls on or around my age. Just no luck. At all. Europe: no problem. Older: no problem. I have NO fucking clue as to why. Yet.**]

We went for a nice (albeit short) walk and decided on a cup of coffee. When she decided to pay, it kind of threw me off. Granted, a nice sign. But I was actually, like, Wow... I don't think that's ever happened... to me... before... We walked a little more, looking for some shoes (the one thing I couldn't sell her yesterday.) I recommended a store across the street and we picked out a pair. She made sure to compliment me, saying I "was good," and that I really knew my stuff. I was beginning to think she might have the wrong idea about me, so I made sure to ask what her future plans were for the next few days, with the tone of I-totally-want-to-date-you. I told her I had to get going before I got the third degree from work. When we exited the shoe store, I handed her a card with my cell phone. "You have mine, right," she made sure to ask, to which I acknowledged. "Then call me anyway," she smiled. I told her I would.

But I noticed that she flipped. Earlier in the conversation, she said she might be open to a cup of coffee Sunday afternoon. Then when we parted ways, she said she might be busy later tomorrow. My first impulse was, that it was to make sure she didn't come across too easy. After all, she was the one who suggested we go for a coffee. I only told her (yesterday) that I was going to show up. And that's all I did. She led the rest of the way.

So here's where I'm at: I think the only thing to do is NOT call her tonight or tomorrow. Yeah, I think the 2nd Day Rule should be observed in this case-- after all, I don't want to come across as too easy as well. But I think I should definitely call her and ask her out for something this week. Something easy, and cheap (since I paid off my car-- ouch!) That rules out a lot of things. But I know I need to make a move pretty soon, or I'll lose the momentum that has been going pretty well so far.

Any suggestions?

Oh, And The Other Reason...

As to why yesterday was pretty awesome.

I got a call from Offer #2. Now while I don't know for sure, I'm pretty certain that it's for a job offer. If I work for this other company, there's a very good chance that I could double my income, just on sheer volume.

And making a LOT of money right now does kind of appeal to me.

All In All, A Good Day

Today was awesome!

First thing I did when I got to work: Paid off my car!!!

For those of you who know what it's like to finally pay off a big loan, I shared that feeling with you. I made my final payment on a 5-year car loan that I was more than happy to get rid of. I mean (at least) from here on out, that every paycheck I earn from this moment on will be that much more I'm saving. For trips, hopefully. And dates. And to start putting away for the future.

And speaking of dates-- I met this really cute girl at work. She was a customer that needed a simple top. And being that she was pretty hot, I devoted a little more attention to her, running the gamut of my expertise in choosing something to fit her request. At first, she seemed a little standoff-ish (as I would expect most women would be toward me.) But it seemed like I won her over, as she allowed me to see her in the tops and offer my opinion. I found out that she had just moved to the City a few months ago and was working in retail around the corner from my shoppe. It was in the end when I realized that she might be interested. After I got her information, I joked that I would be calling her cell phone a lot. "Maybe you should," she flirted back, half-blushing.

"Let's start with me coming to visit you," I offered. "How about I come tomorrow?" She seemed all right with that. I noticed that I started blushing, as the temperature started getting a little warmer from where I was standing. I walked her out as she expressed how impressed she was by my service.

The end of tonight was okay. I met B and a few of the girls from her office out. I noticed her tone with me was a little harsh in between comments she made. When she got up for a smoke, her girlfriend mentioned that we might want to talk about something. For the rest of the night, B and I sent texts back and forth (even though we were sitting across from each other.) I asked if we were okay. She said we were "not really okay." Since the other girl was headed her way, I couldn't really talk to her. But the other friend was there. I made sure not to try and get anything out of her, complimenting our friendship and how much I loved her (as a friend.) Her friend said it might be over "something stupid."

Then she asked the dreaded question. We were at the platform and she said, "So, did you ever have feelings for her? Romantically?"

I froze. Oh fuck. Not THAT question. I paused for a moment. I was about to answer, then she did. "Probably right from the beginning, huh?" I acknowledged, making sure to mention that a lot of it had to do with the fact she was dating my friend at the time, BEFORE I knew her, so I had to move on. I explained the way guys sometimes think about women who are taken by another friend. "Chris Rock said it best," I started. "If you meet a girl that your (boy) is dating, you think, Wow. She's nice. I'm sure I could meet a girl like her. Now when a woman meets a man that her girl is with, she thinks, I want... him!!!." The friend looked at me. "Hmmm," she said. "That makes sense."

All I kept thinking was, SAFE! No foul! I felt that it was the best way to put my feelings for B, albeit the truth, which in itself is really complicated and back-and-forth over this matter. Ultimately, yes, I realize that B and I would never be compatible romantically. But my answer is a half-truth, mostly because my feelings for her come and go. There are times when I wish things could work. And there are many times that I understand why we're not together.

And regardless of this, my only concern is that we work things out. I want her in my life. I don't know why, though. I just like having her there. She's my most objective friend, and it's her objectivity (her sense of plainly telling her point of view) that I value her. I love her. But it's more platonic than anything. And I know that she would never admit that she liked me, even in the slightest. So I have to accept her as my friend. And while I might get jealous if someone else comes into her life, it just makes sense not to lose her over my feelings. Not this time. Not ever.

I might change my mind in the future. I might. But I'm not to the point of being THAT fed up over the matter. So staying in the background is what works for me. I'll 'fess up, but only if she does.

And it's also the same with PG. And with her, I know there's something there. But she's just as stubborn.

I admit it. It's about power.

I just don't want to give up mine. I've realized that (at least) for me, that's when I truly lose with women.

All in all, it was a good day.

Why I Work In Sales

I did a little reading on escorts the other day.

(Sidenote: About 97% of the things I learn today are found on the internet.)

The courtesan has always been of interest to me, especially since I read The Art Of Seduction, by Robert Greene. Seduction has also been a huge fascination for me, but even more are seductive women. I've known many, many women who use their guile to acquire things they want and need. And like most people, I'm also taken with people (especially women) who are sexually charged. It fascinates me how we can use sex as a tool. And how some people can separate emotion from intimacy. Sometimes I don't think I am capable of accomplishing this, although I often find myself realizing otherwise. It led me to believe that seduction and power are more related to your state of mind situationally versus something that is part of your moral constitution.

Anyway, about the article. It was this girl from Iceland. (I have an affinity for anything Icelandic, so I was thrilled to be reading this.) As I got into the article, Lara's life seemed reminiscent of some other people I personally know. One of them is a girl whom I recently met up with again and went on a date. Even though I decided to end my friendship with her, Lara's article brought up a few suspicious thoughts I had filed away regarding my friend's unwillingness to divulge details. This in regard to her London trip, a few other out-of-town weekends , and the general person I'd seemingly known for the last 6 years. (How else can a girl survive in New York City waitressing 3 nights a week?)

But there are other types of modern-day courtesans. One of them is another girl I know, Marie, who has a continual string of beaus. In fact, I count almost 5 or 6 over the last three years, each one succeeding the other after a break-up. To my knowledge, Marie has also never held a steady job in the last few years, at one time holding 3 jobs simultaneously. I think that Marie has boyfriends as a means for financial stability, especially since she told me her new boy just moved in after the other one broke up and moved out.

The point in all of this is that I realize why a lot of us acknowledge women as the more superior species. Granted, a lot of ideals are changing in the wake of the feminist movement, but a woman's instinct for survival of lifestyle in this day and age are truly remarkable. In fact, when I think about it more, a lot of the women I personally know have had a continual rotation of beaus.

The other point about courtesans and escorts is it had reminded me of a time when I had strongly considered becoming a part of the World's Oldest Profession. This was a long time ago, almost out of high-school, when sex was fast becoming all I would think about. I wanted to be a lover to many women, very Don Juan, et al. Back then I had a lot of moral issues (as one does) and decided against it.

But my encounter with Kim the other day and my recent reading has brought the subject back, just to have something to think about. Me Today would probably consider it if I didn't think it would ruin my chances at finding a special girl. Believe me, having a job where I pleased many women sexually and got paid for it would be pretty fun. That's why, I guess, I don't mind my current occupation: selling clothes to them.

Minus the sex, it's a lot of fun.

Choosing To Be Happy

It's funny how accomplished I feel today even though I did very little.

I think the only thing I really did today was cook. And move my car.

I have noticed a marked increase in my appetite. I have been eating (huge) salads for lunch at work, prefaced with a decent breakfast, and "elevensies"-- a term an English friend of mine likes to use. And after that, I still have to eat another meal around 5 o'clock, then usually something when I get home.

Despite all the eating, my stomach has been getting a little more trim. This is a very good thing. I just find it funny that I've progressed into eating almost 5 times a day, mostly because I have been eating pretty healthy. And it's only been a month since I've changed my "evil" ways.

Perhaps it's the act of cooking and cleaning up afterward that makes me feel so accomplished. So grown up. I'm proud of the fact that I can look after myself. I have adopted the idea of going to the grocery more than once a week. And doing my chores regularly makes me feel like I'm ready for the next part in my life: involving someone to share it with.

Still working on this part. I seem to be of the mind that I will be ready for this when mind, body, and soul (and chores) are in sync. I have yet to accomplish a regular exercise routine. Granted, it's a work in progress. But finding the joy in doing such "mundane" activity is very fulfilling.

I think this means overall that I'm pretty happy with my life. Or have chosen to be.

And that's all that really matters.

Still Got It

Kim was my last customer before we closed. Petite, sexy, and maybe mid-to-late-thirties. She blew in and picked out a whirlwind of clothes. "I make up my mind quickly," she said, rushing into the dressing room. I ran like Superman, bringing new pieces and having her pick out the ones she liked.

I didn't realize how brazen this attractive woman was. On her first few items she invited me into the dressing room and disrobed her top, revealing a washboard stomach and black satin bra. When I came back with more trousers, she comfortably revealed her black lace panties. Considering my prior employment, I'm no stranger to women taking their clothes off in front of me-- just not sexy, smoking financial firm managers.

She rushed on about the time. "I'm going on a blind date," she blurted to me through the menagerie of tangled garments. It was 6:40. "And I'm late," she continued. "And he's texted me asking where I am." She seemed a bit perturbed about her date being a little pushy for their first night, then again, I don't think I would be shopping for clothes minutes before a first date. I acknowledged her predicament and asked for her information so I could ring her up.

A few minutes went by and she came out just as I produced her receipts. She was about to walk away, then came back and gave me her cell phone. "I want to come back and shop pretty soon," she hurriedly said. I thanked her for the visit and gave her my card.

Just as Kim was walking out the door, I wished her Good Luck on her blind date. Then she turned around, smiled, and asked in front of the whole store, "So what about you?" I hollered back that we'll talk about it sometime, realizing right at that moment why she gave me her private number just a moment ago. Just as she left, I caught the surprised looks from a few of the girls at work.

"Guess she wants to come back," I shrugged. The sale wasn't that great, but it was pretty clear to see that Kim made my night.

I think I'm going to like working here.

Dear Torvo,

I don't like the fact that I cannot read your blog anymore. I'm sure you need a minute to straighten some things out. Please don't take it out on your Monkey friends.


Sincerely,


RM

Settling In

The first week is almost at a close. Had a nice sale today, which puts me in 2nd place for high sales this week. Not bad for a rookie in the first week.

And don't get me wrong. It might sound like I'm tooting my own horn but I've got something to prove. I feel there is a lot riding on my shoulders in terms of me doing well. It's only because I want to make a good first impression that I'm trying to short circuit all the pleasantries and get down to business.

But for all things considered, I will give myself a little pat on the back. Just a little one.

I hope that each day will be as fun as today. I picked up a really attractive (married) woman about 2 hours into the shift. Tight. Hot. And from Miami. I think she was Cuban-American. But I hope to be helping a lot of women just like her. Easy. Simple. Decisive. She knew what she wanted, so I let her lead the sale. I brought her probably 1/3 of the store but it was worth the effort. Some of the training kicked in again and took over my instinct. It was nice that she wasn't put off by my being a regular guy. And that goes to prove that perhaps I am cut out for this job.

And so my last shift for the week will be tomorrow. I'm a little put off that it's the Sunday AFTER St. Patrick's Day. I hope that my ex-GM will come in and shop. And that I can start pulling some of the girls from corporate down to see me. I think it will create a nice buzz and help jump-start my business.

I must get off-line so I can start developing a business plan. Back to work, right? At least it seems like I'm hitting the ground running.

First Day

Today was a good first day.

I remember going over a few pointers on the train ride this morning. Behind my steel gray Ray-Bans, I mentally chanted a mantra, "Keep your mouth shut, Monkey. Keep your mouth shut." See, I have a tendency to passively come across like a know-it-all, a virtue I am all too aware of yet don't like to admit. It's plagued me since I was in high school. I've always felt like I had something to prove. That I wanted to be the best.

Today was no different. I found myself chanting today (in my mind!) because I was wisely advised by my friend and ex-coworker, Pinchie, to do so a few weeks ago, after the assuage of a few well-placed beers. She assured me it was for my own good and that I should tone down my know-it-all-ness.

I figured I was doing pretty well. All day long I listened intently to my managers and new co-workers. I said nothing, aside from a few friendly (read: corny) jokes. I did a lot of nodding and question-asking (two other virtues I am proud of, as they tend to soften the know-it-all in me.)

I had been stepping away from customers all day long, allowing other people to sell and had decidedly taken a more observatory route. Things were going smoothly.

Then it happened.

I helped a couple of ladies in need of a dress. I was showing the daughter a few pieces. All of a sudden, my instinct took over and I was suddenly selling to her mother and the girl. The next thing I knew I had two customers instead of just one and it turned into a pretty nice sale. Not bad for a first day.

I thought I was going to get reamed. Mostly because it seemed like I was supposed to be "hanging back" for most of the day. Partly because I worked without any real coaching. And that part of me that took over was a little bit of the know-it-all. Thankfully nothing happened. No harsh words came to pass.

But I thought back to my interview with my (now) managers. They wanted someone to shake things up, to hit the ground running. I told them I was their man.

Nothing wrong with keeping one's word.

Can't Sleep

It's almost four in the morning.

I live in one of the greatest cities in the world and I'm home alone, wide-awake, on a Saturday night, in bed. Alone.

That's not the issue though. Tonight was actually more enjoyable than most. I think it's because I realized that I saved a few hundred dollars by not going out and getting drunk. I watched a few flicks, ate some cookies, and browsed the 'net.

This could all be a side-effect of being older. It probably is. Knowing that my night is better spent home alone rather than being out with people and getting wasted. Knowing that I'm being-- no, choosing to be more responsible with my life than in the past.

I did throw some things out. One of those things was my attachment to PG.

I have come to realize that I can no longer be afraid to let go. Especially when it comes to feelings that aren't based on anything tangible. Sure, the feelings are real. Were real. But they were never founded on anything solid.

Here's the truth: she never called. She never reciprocated. She never let me know that she was interested beyond being friends. And even then, she didn't do a good job of it either. I don't know how many times I asked her for a cup of coffee. Even one time I said it with more gravity (I wanted to tell her I was leaving.) She never replied. Even my last message to her, when I asked that we stop "fighting," she never replied.

Is that the kind of person I want in my life? Is that the kind of friend I want in my life?

No.

Not anymore.

So I have to let go. It's not that it's painful to do so. It's just that I don't like the idea of writing someone off. But I hate being lied to-- and she lied to me a lot. Excuse after excuse. About how she was too busy to call back, or how she didn't get my call/page. And I knew she was lying because she said it with a rushed indignation each time. That she was justified for not replying and that I should just accept it.

And I did try. I gave it my best. Boss was right-- I gave her too much attention.


(...)

This will eat at me for a while. Only because I know that I will play out every scenario of us working it out. And every possible "happy ending." I will hope for the best, as I always do. But the truth will show itself again: I loved someone who didn't love me back.

We did have that moment. Once. When we worked things out. But I don't know about this time. We've had quite a few stand-offs in the last year.

It's not fair. I didn't ask for this. To have this ability to care for women who don't ultimately deserve my capacity to love. I know the problem lies with me, with my power of choice.

I just have to get better at choosing.

I will go through a period of self-doubt. But this time I hope it will be short-lived.

I also wish I didn't have to let PG go. Underneath it all, she would still make a nice friend.

See, there I go again.

Ugh.

Clutter

I started getting rid of shit today. Part of the stuff I have thrown out so far was ruined in the flood from earlier last year when I first moved down here. Mold. Yuck.

I'm in that phase where everything is awry and all over the floor. I hate this part. But shelves are making their homes in the proper cabinets and, in turn, books are making their new homes there. Well, for the moment, there are all of less than 10 books. That's okay.

I hope to attack and finish the rest of this by tomorrow. My vacation is almost over. Just the weekend now.

But it's been a nice week.

The All-Mighty Allah

I used to be a crusader. You know, one of those religious-types that would go around and convert people to my religion, all the while thinking I was racking up points for my eventual entry into "heaven."

I would say that was during a more idealistic phase of my life (maybe it was because I was twelve.)

Tonight's cab ride proved insightful into the other side of things, especially how I must have seemed so long ago. It all started with a simple question. I asked my driver, "Did you say you just got done praying?" It was, after all, 11pm at night. I mean, who prays at 11 at night?

This lead into the history of the Muslim faith. Mind you, this was a ride to Brooklyn, with my driver explaining everything from the creation of man to the 124,000 prophets of Allah. The whole ride I kept silent, mostly because I couldn't get a word in edge-wise, other than me pointing for the next turn. My passionate little missionary proceeded to make arguments about how many people converted to Islam after 9/11 and how it is necessary for Muslims to make a pilgrimage to Mecca every year. And even why, allegedly, men "don't have bones in their pee-pees" anymore. No really. He went there. (Apparently, it was the work of an angel.) The whole time I thought Adam only lost a rib, but I guess that was wrong. (And to think this whole time...)

Yes, even after we stopped, I endured another 5 minutes of explaining all to come to the point of what I learned by tonight's dissertation, that I should walk away understanding that "Muslim" means "submission," as in "all things in the world are in submission to Allah." And then I got handed a few (five) little pamphlets with an invitation to join my newfound "friend" when I wanted to convert to his church.

A very nice man, indeed. One thing, though. I never got to ask why you need to pray 5 times a day to Allah. Had it not been for my lesson in the Muslim faith, I think I would have had the chance to ask that.

I guess some things are better left un-asked.

And I guess some people have to pray at 11.

Psyche!

I decided my last day would be today.

It was a last minute thing. Asked for tomorrow off through Boss and got it approved. Got a form signed for all next week, too.

I thought about it. People started talking. And I know that tomorrow would be hell. I would not be able to stand another 8 hours there. I'd be all distracted and stuff. I think this would be better.

So the other assistant and I went for beers after work. It's been almost 7 months since we went for a drink, and it made it better that we weren't working together anymore to be able and hang out.

We went to the local dive and started pouring them down. Good times. She's all pissed that I'm skipping out on the "last day," seeing that tomorrow is a store meeting. Personally, I think I made the right move. Just chill and not talk to anyone, which is what I'll be doing today.

That way I still get the upper hand. And I don't have to worry about the rumors going out early.

Ha ha ha.

It's fitting for me this time.

See ya, sucka!

Moving On

My last day will be Friday.

I accepted an offer today. It's not the one I was hoping for, but it's definitely a good one. There's no issue of a "transition period" because we're slow right now. My replacement will start Monday, no worries.

I'm not sure why Boss didn't really put up a fight this time. I seem to think he was trying to call my bluff to see if I was serious. He started making jokes, as he always does, about me leaving. I guess that's his way of saying goodbye.

I asked my GM not to make an announcement. Personal reasons, I guess. I'm uncomfortable with goodbyes, and I don't want Friday to be weird. She'll announce it Saturday, when I'm off. Plus I'm at ends with a few people right now and I think this would just be the best thing for everyone.

One of them is still PG. We're still not talking. Not looking. Not anything. I still catch her avoiding glances-- she catches mine. We've graduated into the gloss-over-walk-by kinds of passings now. I met eyes with her once, and we locked glances for a moment, but that was that.

What puzzles me is that I texted her last week for her to stop being upset and for us to stop fighting. I'm not surprised that she didn't respond. But I thought we would at least be talking by now.

But the more and more I went through the history of our friendship-- good, bad, and all in-between, it just sucks that we should end like this. We should be cracking jokes and sharing lunch for our last few days together. And it's more than that. I have never felt that I mattered that much to her, not since that first day we met.

And so, in a way, I'm fine we're not speaking. Until that changes, I'm not giving in anymore. I care for her, sure, but I'm done. Maybe a little separation will do us some good. I did everything, made every effort-- both times. That's enough. It's sad that I might have to let a friendship go because of this, but I think I'll be fine with it. It's the lesson that will be important this time.

I was taking the train with a new co-worker who just started and she asked me why I wasn't in a relationship at the moment. I replied that I realized where I went wrong in the past and I am now willing to change. And it's girls like PG and the way I've let them treat me that account for a lot of my misery over the last 10 years. I even saw a photo of another girl, KD, from my distant past. Same story. I liked them, they didn't like me back, and I kept trying until it hurt. Sometimes it hurt too much. And even when it hurt, I didn't stop trying. I went too far sometimes.

It's the process of moving on that I need to improve upon. I have moved on from these women. Eventually. But I'm getting the hang of things. I have to be a little more guarded next time. And I can't keep expecting friendship to turn into romance.


So, two more days. And then a little vacay before I start my new job. Perhaps Offer #3 will call. We'll see. Fingers crossed.

Relaxing For A Change

My growing love for cooking has been good for doing something constructive with my time. It has been more of a stress-reliever lately (a double benefit considering I get to eat the proceeds,) versus doing something out of necessity. Yesterday I made baked mac 'n cheese and caught up with a few movies. Tonight, I couldn't wait to get home and make some lemon peppered chicken with potato-- a feat that will prepare my lunches for the next week.

I wondered if my recent culinary foray has made me a little more wussy. Then I remembered that most of the world's most celebrated chefs are men. I felt a little better. Whew! My masculinity is still intact. What a relief! And it's a plus, I guess, if I ever find myself on a "cooking date" scenario.

Besides, my favorite pastime- driving- is not always available to me. The most driving I did today was finding a parking spot, a task that isn't very relaxing after all. Plus it's only enjoyable when there's no snow on the ground.

I need every opportunity to relax at the moment. I'm still waiting for Offer #3 to come through. And I need to give Offers #1 & 2 an answer this week. That will hopefully buy me a few more weeks until I can know for sure.

But now the thing I'm working out is a back-up plan. Would Offer #1 or Offer #2 be better? One involves me leaving my location, the other doesn't. Frankly, I don't know right now. I'm trying to work out the figures and it seems like a dead heat-- the real dilemma is working out the "political" advantages.

I guess it's enough to make me wanna... put something in the oven.

At least working off stress this way smells delicious.

Playing Hookey

Great.

I'm with the flu (sort-of) and have been holed up for the last two days. The cold medicine I took to put me to bed somehow made me wake up after an hour of sleep. And so here I am, wide-awake, surfing and blogging until I go to sleep.

I called out of work the last two days hoping to get a quick recovery, but I still haven't shaken this stupid cold. Nor has the blemish on the MIDDLE OF MY NOSE decided to go away yet. How embarrassing.

Research of the last few days has lead to a few important questions I thought I would share:

1.) When did Claire Danes get so hot? I came across a photo of her in New York Magazine the other day, and-- holy fuck! I couldn't stop staring. I just couldn't.

2.) And the same with Christina Ricci. When did she get so hot as well? What hole have I been hiding in the last few years? All I know is that I'm going to see Black Snake Moan when it comes out. Hell. Yes.

3.) How exactly will Sun-Tzu's The Art Of War help me become successful in a sales world? I can't exactly envision my co-workers as "the enemy," and I can't really see myself crushing them into oblivion. And I'm not sure chariots and soldiers will be necessary for dominating Madison Avenue.

4.) How many axioms of Robert Greene's 48 Laws Of Power has Boss mastered? Jesus. Maybe that's why I sometimes get mad with him. 'Cause he seems to get the better of me EVERY TIME. Fuck. I could swear that he's got that book memorized to the T. The T.

These are the questions that have been on my mind the last few days. Important, yes, I know.

Caught up with Nicole earlier today. These days find her with a new job and a pretty good relationship, though she confessed that her mind has been "wandering" lately. Same old Nicole. Not unlike a wild stallion. I guess it was a good thing I didn't end up with her after all.

(...)

I was thinking about the meanings of my recent observations of body language. How, in one instance last week, PG purposely turned away from me as I approached a table she was nearby. It was like she did it so I would notice. It's funny how that moment sticks out in my mind, because it was purposeful. Deliberate. It's just fascinating to me. Not because of the whole PG thing, but because I'm interested as to what that one motion means. And how my on-going interest in body language relates to this.

Okay. I think I'm ready for bed now.

Opportunity Knocked Today

I met with the third prospect today.

For starters, he's someone I respect and admire. We've known each other for almost 9 years, and though we didn't work together all nine of them, I've always held him in a high regard.

Our meeting today was good. Relaxed. Easy. It wasn't really an interview. He told me what the project was: a new product line. As we talked and shot questions and answers back and forth, something inside me told me that this is the opportunity I was waiting for. In fact, it would all be easy for me-- training, clients, etc. It wasn't even about money, though it seems that it might be even more than I could expect to make my first year at my other prospects.

"I want you to work for me," he said flatly. Yes, I accept, I said in my head. But there was no offer. No contract. I can't move just yet. He thinks I've got the talent he needs for his venture. I want to be a part of this. But I don't have an offer. Yet. And it behooves me to be wise in this matter, especially with an unknown venture like this one.

We talked some more. I noticed that I was mirroring his movements and gestures, down to the nervous shake in my hands. I started saying "We," as if I had already accepted the position and was on-board.

I checked the time. I decided to meet him before work, so that I would avoid suspicion and not have to use a "doctor's appointment" excuse. But I had also run 15 minutes over and was now running late. So I thanked him, and we walked to the elevator. "You know," he said just as the doors were opening, "I wish I could choke you right now, telling you that this is the job you need to take." He mimed a little "choke" around my neck as we nervously laughed. I thanked him again, shook his hand, and hurried off to work.

I was tittering with excitement in the cab ride over. I've been in this situation before. I've opened quite a few new businesses and am familiar with the prospective ups and downs. This was very exciting to me. But even more so was the realization that things have worked out in this way. That, in spite of me seeking work elsewhere, was the one opportunity that sought me.

The more I think about it in this perspective, the more it seems clear what I should do. And it also gives me hope for the other areas of my life where things seems darker. I wonder how things will unfold in the next few weeks?