Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

A friend once gave me some good advice about women:

"Girls are mean. Throw rocks at them!"

I sat at lunch with PG today. She started out in a sour mood when I saw her this morning, so I asked her to elaborate while we split our lunches down the middle. She explained about how she got rejected twice last week, once with her on-again-off-again-for-five-months-guy, and the other with a guy she's known for a while but decided to do something about.

We somehow got on the subject with me. I think there was a meaningful yet accidental segue on my part where she uttered total frustration for trying and getting the shut down and I offered, "I know what you mean. I really do. I'm going through that, too."

"What's up with you?"

Fuck. I proceeded to tell her about my own frustrations with a particular woman. A small, boiling feeling started inside me, like I was gonna get caught with my hand in the cookie jar. So I did the only thing I could think of: I lied. I tried to be vague about all the details, seeing as it was her I was talking about and not another "friend." All the while my thoughts were teetering on whether or not she would figure out if I was talking about her. I didn't plan on talking about this today, nor did I think I wanted to be having this discussion in the company lunchroom of all places, so I took the nearest opportunity to change the subject. I then said, "...Which is why I'm pretty psyched about this blind date a friend set me up with a few days ago."

I looked at her face to gauge a reaction. PG looked at me kind of blank. It seemed as though she was still preoccupied with her own problems, thus not really listening and not seeing through my half-assed attempt to cover up the truth. It seemed I would be safe for now.

I do want to tell her how I feel because there was a little truth in what I told her. I said that rather than trying to do anything more about this girl, I decided to just leave it alone a while. "I have a feeling that right now isn't the time to do anything about it. Maybe sometime in the future."

I don't like to lie, but I felt this was one of those exceptions where it was okay, somewhere between "fear of death," and "when you don't want to admit to passing gas." Names were changed to protect the innocent. I later realized our conversation over lunch wasn't a real confession on my part, and I would eventually have to do something about my decision to tell her or not. But a part of me wonders if she really did understand what I was saying and just playing things off, in which case we both lied pretty good.

I enjoyed the rest of my lunch with a cigarette in the beautiful spring weather. Later, PG and I were reading magazines and she passed me an article about sexomniacs. I wouldn't mind having that kind of a "problem," though not remembering having sex would kind of suck.

I really do have a blind date this week. A few traded voicemail back and forth and perhaps this Wednesday will have something new to write about. Then Denver!

Somber Sunday

Denver is *soooo* close! Only four days until my trip and I can't wait to blow this popsicle stand for a nice, long weekend.

I've been calling old friends, making plans, and trying to figure out how I'm going to squeeze it all in 5 days. I have a few solid lunch and dinner dates, and the rest will just kind of, well, gel into place once I get there.

One particular friend I'm looking forward to seeing is Dev. She's a gal who became a good friend of mine once she (ironically) moved to New York a few years ago. We'd always been friendly with each other here and there in the bar scene. Then she moved to New York for 6 months and during that time we stayed in touch. Since then, we've been close friends, though not frequent ones. I'll see her every few months for a coffee and we'd check-in with each others' lives. The last I left her, she seemed to finally be in a good place in her life. We're having lunch on Friday and I'm looking forward to it very much. I find that people like her are nice to check in with every once in a while, a kind of barometer for my life.

It's funny when you think about friends. With some it's quality, not quantity. Dev is someone who I think is close to me even though we haven't spent a whole lot of time with. With others, no matter how much time you spend with them you'll never be close.

And yet other friends in my life have been in and out. Scorned and forgiven and vice-versa. They go in cycles around my life. Phase in and phase out. To be honest, I've found that friendship is something you can't put any rules around. They are just there, because you choose them to be.

(...)

Don't know what I'm going through right now. I feel change coming on. I wrote about this a few weeks ago, but I received a better indication of something brewing in my life in the last few weeks. I feel a new direction coming, and I hope I'm ready to make the changes it will require of me. Kind of deep for the moment, but I can't deny my feelings when it comes to this. I'll be 27 in a few weeks. About 7 to be exact. What will life have in store for me in the coming months?

My friend Katie says to take things one day at a time. A common affirmation. But I find a lot more truth in those words now than I have in the past.

(...)

I was wondering the other day about how I'm going through similar themes of life like everyone else. Trying to make sense of it all. Figuring out what I am truly here to do. It's ten years later from when I first started thinking about this and for once, I admit that I really don't know. I don't know how my life will interact with the other people in my world. I once hoped for greatness. Now I just want to be happy and I realize that those might not be the same things. There was a time when things made sense. Now it all seems a jumbled mess. And I'm somewhere in this equation; another soul trying to find his own way.

Yeah, I'm in a deep mood tonight. But a good one.

He Never Takes The Blame

I think I'm discovering a newer level of low for me each day.

I never used to get so angry in my life before. It seems that with this job, my boss seems to draw it out of me so well. If I were an astrologist, I would say it's because we're Zodiac opposites (him - Scorpio; me - Taurus.) There's a reason why they're called opposites.

Today's breakdown has been the result of a lot of little things piling up. We've been a little busier than usual. Also, with the added task of training a new person, it's been slowing me down a little. It was the end of the day. After a very infuriating 45 minutes of solving a problem it came time to find out why the problem had occurred.

All my boss could do was place the blame on everyone else but himself. It was his fucking error and he wasn't taking any responsibility for it. Oh, I was so mad. Not because this had happened before, but because he's so good at just passing the buck. Every. Single. Time. It's the client's fault. It's the cashier's fault. It's security's fault. And the end result is that some poor sap will take the fall. Sometimes it's me. Sometimes it's someone else. But never him.

I mean, how can I compete with that?!? I even tried to focus the conversation on him, but all he did was turn it around on me and deflect the blame again. A part of me couldn't help but think, Man he's fucking good. Either I need to learn better debate skills or quit this fucking mess. I love the guy. Really do. But I can't stand how he gets away with it. All the time. I read something about people who are infallable. The end result of the essay was that you cannot reason with them. Or ever get even. And they never, ever, forget, so it's almost near damn impossible to be right. And they always win.

Not a very encouraging essay. The only piece of advice it gave was to steer clear of them no matter what. Maybe I should try that. Just give in.

I went home so pissed off tonight. All I could do was pray. I realized that it's not up to me to dispense justice to people like that. I'm no vigilante. But I wish I could, you know. I wish I could teach that fucker a nice lesson he'll never forget. I realized that I'd always wanted to be that guy, too. I always wanted to right the wrongs in the world. But I soon learned that it's not my place to do such things. Doing so only complicates matters and you end up getting scarred in the process.

So there's nothing left to do. Just let it go.

But it sure sucks.

(...)

I called the Blind Date Girl today. I thought that the first call should be at her work since A) I've never met her, and B) It would be the polite thing to do. Got her voicemail-- damn! I remember thinking she sounded older by the tone of her greeting. I kept things short and friendly. Kind of to the point, but what can you do? It's the first phone call.

I got her voicemail later tonight only because I got out of work late. She can't meet up this weekend because she's got a friend in town, but could we meet up for sometime in the future? Sure. I think I'll call her again next week. We'll see.

Breaking The News And Meeting The Parents

So I had to do the deed.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. At the end of the night, Boss came by and we discussed our new assistant's day off. Just before he met with us, he pulled me aside in the back. He was on a phone call with his girlfriend, discussing dinner plans. He motioned for me to "hold on" a moment, and in the break of their phone conversation said:

"Is it me, or does she... (face scrunches up to indicate "pee-yew")?

"Nope," I said. "She does."

To preface this, we had a very familiar encounter with a janitor a few months ago. He was there in the evening, just starting his nightly duty. We were closing up, just the two of us. The poor guy came in, walked the entire length of the back, picked up the trash and left. The whole thing took about 10 seconds. But after he left, his B.O. left us gagging for fresh air. Body odor is a natural thing, but in my line of work, a line needs to be drawn.

Which brings us back to tonight. Boss said he would "take care of it." Translation: You take care of it.

The three of us talked for a moment. He asked her how she was doing and we discussed Wednesday as her day off. Then he left. Bastard. He really meant it for me to have to break it to the poor girl.

So I did. I actually started things by asking if she uses any deodorant or anti-perspirant. She didn't seem offended, so I made up how we work so much physically, and our last assistant needed to be encouraged to "take care of business." Totally untrue. But it got the job done. I even took her downstairs and showed her that she could use any of the women's fragrances to her disposal. I thought I did a pretty good job, considering it was a sensitive subject. Blunt, to the point, but not insulting. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

(...)

On another note, I met PG's parents today. Nice folks. PG was a little more chipper than per usual, and to my surprise actually called on me to come out and meet her folks. I was glad to oblige.

Her folks were pleasant. They were very friendly, and we talked about how her mother was enjoying coming out to see her daughter as often as she did the last year. I briefly joked about how PG doesn't seem to have any time to meet up, seeing as she was "so busy" and all. Her father replied that she doesn't call home as often either and she wouldn't have an excuse after May when she graduates. I thought to myself, We'll see about that.

Boss then came out and met with the group. They talked of Italy, Florida, and traveling. PG was bouncing about, and winking like she used to do with me. Flirting. She seemed a little happier than usual, though I couldn't figure out why. I kept looking at her parents and imagining what we would look like if we were married twenty years later. Would we be as happy as they seemed?

The conversation went on a little bit longer. I kept getting paged 911. The whole freakin' day passes without me getting paged and I'm getting all the calls now while I'm meeting PG's folks! Figures! Boss had to attend to other matters so I took that as my cue to shake hands, dispense a few polite "Nice to meet you"s and head back to the grind. I kinda hoped I would impress them enough to where they might invite me out to dinner some night, but that was just wishful thinking. It was my own selfish plot to try and win her affections, which is probably why it never materialized. Oh well. This would be the only chance I would get for now.

Later, as PG passed me she said, "So, how'd you like meeting your future-father-and-mother-in-law?" Oh. That joke again. "I think we should have coffee first, don't you," I said back with a little smirk. "I know." And we went about our business.

I thought about PG's comment on the way home tonight. I imagined what it would be like, married to her. Kids. Her looking pregnant. And lovely. I thought about whether or not it was meant to be. Then I scolded myself for daydreaming. The reality is we aren't really good friends yet. We're just "sometimes friends." And that isn't enough. I realize that if things could be, then I would have to do my best to let go right now and wait. Just chill. Like I've said before, I tend to jump the gun sometimes.

And I still don't know what it is about her that I like so much. She's so much like the girl next door. But there's something underlying about her that drives me crazy. It's her little quirkiness I find so endearing. I think she's so beautiful, but something inside me tells me that now's not the right time for any of that. Now maybe that means it will never be, but I know it means that my pursuit of this right now could undo any hope of something later down the road.

Maybe in a year or two. Maybe sooner. But not now.

So today was pretty nice, overall. A social issue tackled. And some parents met.

Blind Dates And B.O.

Today, after leaving a work event, my co-worker's wife handed me a business card. I was pretty flattered because it was the first time anyone's ever really set me up before. "You should give her a call," she said with a smile.

Her husband, my buddy, had to interject. "You know I never like to mix business and friends," he started, "but she might be down for a little... (fist doing that popping motion.)"

"Oh and she lives right by you, too."

"So she might definitely be down for..."

"Yeah," the wife said. "Not to say that she's that kind of a girl. But yes. She'd be down."

All I could say was, well, Thanks.

As I walked home, a big smile came over me. Aside from being good timing for a really nice gesture, I couldn't help but think about how life has started to change for me over the last few days. I had a great time with that girl from work on Sunday. And now this. It doesn't even have to work out. It's just the fact that I think these are definite signs I should be moving on.

I'm not even fazed about the fact that PG didn't reply to my invitation to coffee tonight. I messaged her last night because I figured I'd be getting out of the work event right as she was finishing school. I wanted to talk to her about some stuff because she's been acting weird around me lately. I want to fix what might be wrong because it bothers me to have beef with someone. I don't like having a rift if there's no need to or if I'm over being upset (which happens pretty quickly.) But not only did she not reply to my text (which she usually doesn't,) but she didn't even talk to me today about whether or not she wanted to go (which she usually does.) We passed by each other enough times for there to be an opportunity to say something. Nothing aside from Hi and Bye.

Like I said. Not even fazed. Fuck it.

Goes to show you that life (and God) have a funny way of moving you right along.

So. We finally got some help. A new girl started yesterday to work with Boss and I. Today was the first day I got to show her a few things. I think she'll work out because she's older and seems like she's got great work ethic. There is, however, one little detail. She needs to invest in a little deodorant. I have a feeling it's because she's European, but she smells more like a locker room than a girl. And I hope she'll get the clue before the store starts talking about it. They can be such cruel bastards sometimes. Besides, it would be kind of harsh coming from me because I wouldn't be delicate about it.

I feel like a dick for saying that but presentation is a big part of our jobs. Those are the details customers and the rest of us are critical about. And I know it was because she was sweating, but it was pretty noticeable.

Other than that, she was pretty cool. I think she'll work out just great.

Smoking And Ikea Day

I wanna cigarette! I can't believe that I've strayed so far from trying to cut down, let alone quit. I was doing so well about 3 weeks ago. Down to a smoke a day. Now I'm back up to old habits. I finished a pack in two days, the most I've smoked in almost 18 months.

I don't know what parts of my life are prompting the spike in tobacco use, but I'd like to find out. Somehow, the anti-smoking campaigns aren't working for me. Not even the gross-out things I've seen or read about.

I was doing so well, too.

(...)

Today was Ikea Day. With the girl from work (haven't yet thought of a name for her on this blog.) We were supposed to do something last week, but she had to cancel. The pessimist in me was pretty sure she was gonna cancel today but she shone through and we met up, despite the fact I was running late. I wouldn't call our adventure today a date, rather than two-friends-from-work-meeting-up. I've realized part of my problem with women is that I get ahead of myself rather quickly.

[Sidebar: Naturally, when you're with a girl (at least I for me,) you start thinking about what she's like in bed. You imagine what they're like, naked, and all the screaming and hair-pulling that ensues. Now that's the normal part for me. The part I get myself into trouble is where I start reading into all the little gestures and meanings of our time together. Then I would start developing feelings and then we're in a situation like PG's all over again.

Well I decided not to do it this time. I allowed myself the kinky fantasies because I can't help myself. I'm a guy. But I did talk myself out of getting ahead of the game. We're not really even friends yet. Just two people getting to know each other.]

So back to the day. We wandered Ikea for a few hours and I picked out the little things I needed to get my new apartment up to par. A rug here. A colander there. Some drapes. She picked out a few things too while I got to know her a bit better. Found out that we have a few things in common like not going to college and keeping our relationships short and sweet. Well, short anyway.

After a few laughs, some $1 munchies at the refreshments counter, a long line, and about $78 later (love that Ikea,) we piled back into my car and headed back to the city to the nearest Barnes & Noble. We picked out a few books we both needed. She mentioned something about wanting to audition for acting (she's a ballet dancer,) which kind of surprised me a little. Made me smile a bit. We got our books, left the store, and I dropped her off downtown so she could meet up with her brother before heading home over the Manhattan Bridge.

All said and done, we spent about 5 hours together, which was a good time. Now, considering it wasn't really a date, it was one of the best first dates I've been on in a while. We got on very naturally and comfortably. I asked her out to a theatre show I wanted to see sometimes soon. She said yes.

So things are good.

(...)

Saw a sermon this morning on TV. Couldn't help but think that the guy reminded me of Matthew McC... um... that actor in Failure to Launch. Texas charm and all.

What got to me was the part about how God sometimes says "No," or "Not yet," to our prayers. The pastor went on saying that God is a gentleman, and if we really want something, he'll let us have it. But if we're not ready or if it's not for us, then things will definitely turn out sour.

It struck a chord with me because I think I've forgotten that. Sometimes I think I'm ready to have what I want. Maybe the stall in my love life is the fact that I'm not ready yet. Perhaps I should think about things and remember that they always end up working out for the best.

Just some closing thoughts before I have a smoke.

Weighed, Measured, And Found Wanting

Today was review day at work. Not something I was looking forward to. Actually, the reviews were done a few weeks ago and now it was time for the managers to dole them out. I kept going through scenarios about how I would react based on the positive/negative points of the asessment. I rehearsed my surprised/angry/inquisitive looks (in my mind) for a few minutes.

Then I remembered something. I haven't been reviewed in almost 10 years. This was due to the fact that I worked for private bar owners who don't care about your "effectiveness" or "team-building skills." All they wanted was money in the register and happy customers.

Well, the review was hum-drum. I did well, according to my boss and my manager, who were both there. They kept congratulating me on how well of a job I was doing, though we lightly skipped over the more avarage parts of my evaluation. I kept a very normal face, to my surprise, and just smiled and nodded when appropriate. It's just a piece of paper, I kept telling myself. It means nothing more. Just get it done.

At the end of it all, I did ask about a raise. My manager seemed to proudly present me with a little scrap of paper, then proceeding to explain how the big corporate budget only allocates a certain... blah, blah, blah. It all translated into (drum roll...) fifty cents.

I was a little purturbed. For all the crap I put up with, fifty cents doesn't seem like a huge reward. Especally for someone who was recieving praises for being "so valuable to the company," et al. I pursued the issue, asking is there was a way for me to make more commission. Well, I'd have to take it up with the GM. Tomorrow.

Eh. I think I will. Maybe a fifty-grand raise would be nice, but not fifty cents. I should have had that after my first day of signing my life over to these people. They seem to forget that they need me more than I need them. Me, I could (and would) find another occupation in a heartbeat if I ever got fed up with what I'm doing. But I happen to like this job. And it pays the bills enough for me to only need a single job.

(...)

On the part of Wanting. PG and I are in this weird kind of uncomfortable groove right now. All the pleasantries of being co-workers, yet no flirting or little jokes or laughs like we used to. No lunches together. No chatting. It's like we've both backed off in a way. I sense something in her, a sadness. It might not have anything to do with me. I know that I want to clear the air with her, but I don't know if I'll get the chance now.

I'm not sure what I want from her right now. I have to keep reminding myself that she's got no room for someone like me.

I have been able to let things go a bit. Each day that I'm around her, the butterflies that were in my stomach have seemed to flown off somewhere else. I'm starting to look at her more like another person I just happen to know, rather than a girl I fancy. It's working. I just can't help but think there's something unrequited that needs to be put to rest. I want to tell her how I've felt about her. I just don't think this is the time or place for that now. Maybe never.

So there's where it is. Two more weeks. I'll be in Denver. Maybe I'll be over her by then.

It's sad, though. Sad because I've never really ended a friendship like this before. Sad because the hopeless romantic in me wants there to be a happy ending. I can tell she doesn't want this, either. But why can't she just tell me how she feels? Be pissed at me! Something! Anything! Don't just pretend like there isn't anything there.

Tired Little Turds

As an uncle, I get a pretty good gateway into the aspects of fatherhood. For a few hours (and a lot of headache) I get to have kids. Rentals, of course. Sometimes it's the little things that can ruin a perfectly good night.

(About the Turd thing. My sister and I always called each other "turds" growing up. They are precious little turds, though.)

Take my nephew, for example. I always have the best time with children, but for some reason, he's the toughest little kid I've ever known. He's like an arch-nemesis, always trying to foil my dastardly scheme to get him to eat right, or be good, in some way. He's a conniving little knave, too. Likes to play the Bargain Game. Take dinner tonight. He wants soda. His parents want him fed. He got a little soda from his dad, but as soon as he left the room to get ready to go out, he stopped eating and proceeded to play with his toys.

Me: "Why aren't you eating?"
Him: "I want soda!"

Now this exchange went on for a good melee, until he stated to bargain with me.

Him: "How about I take 1 more bite, then you give me soda."

I looked at him sarcastically. I'm looking at an almost full plate of food. And a little smart-ass-yet-innocent-smile. He, the little negotiator, really did think I was gonna agree to his clever and generous offer.

Me: "How about you finish 10 more bites, then we'll see."

Now, I think my nephew likes to push my buttons because his Dad is the only one he truly looks up to. I know this. But it still doesn't make up for the shit I have to put up with from him. And he's only four.

Later on, he picked a fight with his sister, just to spite me after I warned him about being a brat. I picked him up, and tossed him in the bed. Turned out the light, and sat in the living room with his shutters closed. He must have said "I don' wanna go to bed," for about 20 minutes before he started crying and calling out for his mom and dad. It was the only way I knew to deal with him. Let him cry it out until he sleeps. Worked like a charm.

I hate laying down the law with kids, but it has to be done. He has to learn that I don't fuck around. He thinks he can do whatever he wants around me.

My niece, on the other hand, is quite content doing her own thing. She's only two. But at least she listens.

Anyway, it's nice to get a glimpse of parenthood and realize that I'm not ready for it yet. Raising kids has got to be one of the hardest things to do. My little episodes with them only make me think about what kind of dad I'll be someday. Only the best kind, I hope.

(...)

Earlier today I met with an old friend who's a working actor here in New York. He's light-years ahead of me (only about two.) But he gave me some good advice on how to get started. He confirmed what I've known all along: just gotta get your feet wet. Start somewhere. Get an agent on the way. Just get out there. He claims that he got lucky breaks with agents and managers. Now he's in a five-man cast in a show at the Lincoln Center. Pretty big fucking deal. Definitely a big break.

I've got to be ready to make that sacrifice. The next 10 years of my life will be dedicated to finding out what I'm made of, if I choose it to be. While I was asking questions and he was responding, my mind kept flashing to all the potential problems I'd encounter along the way. Admittedly, I'm scared about having to quit my day job and going back to the bars, just so I can audition. I want to pay off my car first. I'm scared about failing, but I guess there are worse things. I'm scared about not realizing my dream, but I'm even more scared of who I'll become if I don't try.

If I have the same tenacity with acting like I do with women, then I think I'll be fine. Slow and steady, right?

There is a plan, though. I'm putting things together, little by little. I'll ride out the day job for as long as I can, then I'll put in my notice once things start picking up.

(...)

Speaking of my tenacity with women, I asked out another girl at work to hang out tomorrow night. So far, it's been 24 hours and she hasn't gotten back to me about whether or not we'll still be on. It really doesn't matter, though. If she doesn't call back after my 2nd call tomorrow I guess it's off. But it won't bother me because it'll be the first time. I'm still pretty bent about PG. I was explaining to someone today about how I'm not interested becoming friends with her right now. I'm just too razzed about the whole thing. Too old for this shit.

I have been thinking about her though. I had a little fight with another co-worker the other day. Really crossed the line in a manner. But I felt bad enough about things to apologize and we patched things up. It took just 2 minutes. I can't understand why PG won't say she's sorry for letting me down. Maybe she doesn't see that she did anything wrong.

Eh, don't wanna talk about this now.

Don't Look Back In Anger

You should never go to bed drunk and angry. You get a 3:30am wake-up call when you least want or expect it. Now I'm up and have 4 hours until I have to get ready for work. I think I'll do some laundry and shopping.

I've been having a hard time getting over my feelings for PG. A lot of it has to do with the fact that we work together. We'd been talking a little bit here and there, but I've been making sure not to offer anything personal. She even brought up the fact that I renegged on the bet to quit smoking. I wondered why she even tried to find out. She offered that she broke the deal too, after going out last night after her mid-terms. I said nothing and just smiled.

Anyway, I'd been making sure to just be friendly around her and go about my business. I tried a suggestion from Angela to think little affirmations while I'd walk by her all day. I think it backfired because she snapped at me passing on the staircase. "Why do you keep looking at me like that?!?" Oops. Maybe I came off creepy instead of friendly. This was in front of a few people, so I said nothing and just kept walking on. I realized that I was embarrassed about it, so I left work rather quickly, hoping to avoid an confrontation. She's leaving to Florida today anyway, so that's better for me to have a few days to get over the whole thing.

It's a lost cause. For one, I'm beginning to realize that the best thing is to let sleeping dogs lie and forget trying to forge a friendship with her for now. Her little snap at me made me think of my time with Becca and how it didn't end well, and the last thing I need is for this to escalate into something involving people at work. I was pretty upset that she blew me off (again) last week, but I don't think PG will not try to understand where I'm coming from. I gave her enough chances. I tried to be a friend, even. She's going to continue being a bitch in self-defense instead of apologizing. She can and will try to use my feelings to her advantage, so I'd best lose them. Quickly.

Obviously I like her more than she likes me and I mistook her friendliness for affection. That I can take responsibility for. That I can do something about. I really don't have any room for people like her in my life right now. She's got too much going on and I don't think I want to be friends with a flake. It's okay. I did give things a fair shot. Maybe there will be something in the future. But not today.

I'm bitter about the whole thing because I'm disappointed and I can't seem to get her off my mind. The heart wants what it wants, though. I'm also upset at me because it's the same fucking story all over again. Each one of the women in my life are there with a friendship forged out of heartbreak and pain. It started out as something I wanted more than they did, then a fight to keep a friendship after that line was crossed. It's great that they're in my life, but it was such a hard path to take. I don't need to go through this right now, though I feel that we're heading in that direction.

And I'd been praying for a way to get over this, so maybe it's gonna have to be this way. So. Fucking. Hard. I can be sure that everything will work out fine. But I'm not sure I want to go through another roller-coaster ride. Again. I'll be thinking about how I can do things differently this time.

Spring Cleaning A Month Early

I am so lazy today.

Over the last three hours of "moving" I have only brought a few crate loads of personal effects. I don't think I'll get the bulk of this done until tomorrow when I've cleaned up a bit tonight. Dust bunnies are everywhere.

I guess I should mention the free TV and cable box awaiting me downstairs. I can't wait to watch Saturday Night Live for the first time tonight. I'd been catching old episode skits over the internet, but due to copyright infringement, those clips have been taken down. Oh, pooh.

I made a bet with PG that I would quite smoking for lent. I have never quit anything for lent before. I'm not even Catholic. And it seems as though I'll be reneging on that promise, as I'll be having a square shortly after this post. Oh well. I guess I lost. I'll have to take her out to a somewhat reasonably expensive dinner.

That is, if we're still talking by then.

B's been acting funny lately. We've been out with her and her boyfriend the last few nights and she's been acting quite the bitch. Two nights ago she's bashing him at dinner. Last night she screamed at him on the way home. I don't know what's up, but I intend to find out when I see her tomorrow. I'd like to talk to her anyway. It might have to do with untimely news from home concerning her ex, which is never good news.

I admit I'm a little depressed right now. I really have no reason. I'm just in another rut and I fail to see the bright side of things. It has some to do with my crush, which feels a lot like all the other ones I'd been through. The best thing is to just wait it out and let it pass, like the storm you can't avoid. The rest of my depression is about why I haven't taken hold of my life the way I'd imagined it to be by now. I don't have an explanation for this. It's just-- blah.

So between the milk-crates of stuff between now and tomorrow and a few errands I hope to get some mental "cleaning" done as well. A new beginning for the spring, eh?

I Called It, Back Then...

Today I move apartments and I can't get out of bed.

Last night was fun. No surprise that PG didn't come after she said she would. I could tell she wasn't going to make it because of how many times she kept asking me about what was going on. Oh well. I did my part and kept her posted on where we were the whole night. I even told her not to come if she didn't want to.

She's been acting weird around me lately. She's been a little self-absorbed and has been avoiding me a lot more. I called her on it yesterday and asked what's up. She didn't tell me. But I know it's there.

It might have to do with a few weeks ago when I told her it wouldn't work out with her and that guy she was seeing. She asked for my honesty and I gave it to her. I even tried avoiding the subject, but she insisted. I told her what I really thought. And a guy we work with confirmed it for me-- he said that over lunch today, PG told him that she went on a date with a guy from CT. The date was a bust, but when he asked her about the guy she was seeing, she said they weren't talking.

Funny thing. He asked why don't I go out with PG. I simply said I didn't think she was into me that way. Truth is, I don't know anymore. I read all of my old posts about her and I called it 5 months ago. She just isn't the kind of person I need in my life at the moment. I see so many of the underlying things I want in a woman, but it's more or less like she's not ripe yet. She isn't ready for me. Maybe in a few years.

We have a friendship started, but it might need some time to set. It still reminds me of Angela-- we didn't talk for almost a year before we started to really become friends. I shouldn't worry then. It will all work out like it's supposed to.

I think I was dead on about a few of those things in my posts. I think she did like me and still does, but it's not strong enough to do anything about it yet. I also think she won't set me up with any of her friends because she wants to save me for later-- but that's just my dreamland ego talking. Who knows about this girl? I should just find a way to let go for now. We'll meet again, I'm sure.

(...)

For now I need to get up and start moving.

How Do You Un-Like Someone?

So it sucks. I'm here at work and I just keep running into PG wherever I go. Trying not to think about things but it's so freakin' hard.

Arrrgh!