Some Renewed Vigor

I gave my new online dating profile a face lift.

I had just thrown something up the other day to get it up and running. I didn't like what I wrote about myself. I sounded like such a pansy. I'm not all that "shy and brooding" either, I admitted after a little reflection. Also, I think the Meximo bit might get lost on some people.

So after a few hours of fumbling around with ways to sum up who I was, who I'm looking for, and my ultimate purpose for being here (to get dates!), I logged off pretty satisfied with a job well done. For now. I've never done so much editing for only a few simple paragraphs. I don't even really edit my blog. No, the natural flow of things permeates my desire to package everything nicely with a few deft Ctrl-X/V keystrokes. I think mostly because I just follow my thoughts here and write.

I had a tiny epiphany today, which occasionally happens when I'm in the midst of crushing on a girl (PG.) It all started with my desire to breathe life into my love-life... You know, I should put this much passion into acting as well. Hmmmm. There's a new thought. But it's true. I should. Maybe I'll be met with a better chance for success on both fronts. I decided that the waxing and waning of my feelings for a girl I haven't really dated probably means it won't work out, save a nice little affair. I thought back to all the other botched romances in my life. Yup, I thought, after a few painful shudders. Experience has given you a few road signs. You should be watching the road.

So I guess I just need to find a way to get over it. I wondered briefly if maybe my heart just likes being in this kind of limbo because it's something to do. That might be true. I tried to imagine what I was like a year ago, when I didn't desire to be with anyone. It was a simpler time. But I was freer.

PG and I had lunch today. We sat and shared a 3-cheese sandwich on 7-grain bread. After about 10 minutes, she got paged. She got off the phone, finished her last few bites and headed off. "It's my friend, Ricardo," she said, a little smile on her face. "Sorry so short, but I gotta go. Thanks for lunch." And with that, she walked upstairs.

It didn't really bother me until later. That's what got me started on this whole tangent. Sure, we might stand a chance of dating each other. But I'd have to share her with all these "guy friends," and I'm a little too experienced to know what that means. The whole thought process had a way of making me feel like a little puzzle piece in that Jenga game. And a little familiar feeling started to brew inside me. Wait... I've been here before. Why am I getting jealous? They're only her friends. We're not even dating!!! Why do I feel this way?

I have been here before. On both sides of the fence. I, myself, have a lot of girlfriends. A lot. I know what it is to have a lot of friends whom you have tiny, little crushes on. The dynamics of a boy-girl relationship is riddled with sexual tension, regardless of how you choose to act on it. It's why a lot of us become friends in the first place. Some of it is readily there, while other kinds are underlying. It's also why a lot of us end up losing friends. Fortunately for me, I haven't had too many in the latter. Unfortunately, it's taken the wind out of my sails when it comes to making bold moves with girls.

PG has a lot of guy friends. It's just the way it is. Some she would have been intimate with. A lot of others she hasn't. At least I think I know her well enough for this to be true. I later realized I was (yet again) being ridiculous, and let the whole thing go. But my little episode today made me realize how insecure I can be sometimes. And why it's important for me to start dating. Other people.

And quickly, too. I'll be logging on to see if my profile's made any new friends...

A Door Closes, A New Life Begins

My best friend Daniel just delivered his first-born son.

I don't know quite what to make of it yet. Don't get me wrong-- I'm very happy for him. I guess the whole thing makes me reflect on my own life.

I'm the last one in my family to be without any kids. Not even a girlfriend in sight for that matter. I admit, I feel a little left out in a way. I'm not in a rush to settle down or anything. But the new addition to his family has me wondering about my own future.

It's funny. A couple of years ago, Dan and I were having this type of discussion. I observed that all around us, the people we knew were growing up and settling down. Having children. Getting married. There was a time back then where it seemed like the two of us would be going stag for a long time. Now this. Well, I'm still single. At least.

It's just another fact about life. It has a way of dividing you into its own master plan, with or without your consent. In this way I feel all alone in the world. A part of me is sad because I know the dynamics of our friendship have changed overnight. A new best friend has come into my best friend's life. The bond between them will be unbreakable. There is hope, though. Someday I will have that kind of a bond too.

But somewhere inside me it felt like a door closed in my life. It was a lingering thought, buried deep down in a dark corner of my soul. You'll have to make this journey on your own now, the voice in me seemed to say.

But it's for the better. Dan is where he is supposed to be, I guess. And I am, too.

Joining The Ranks Of The "Virtually" Single

I feel silly for admitting this. I finally signed up for an online dating site.

I did it for a lot of reasons. For one, I shouldn't be alone on a Saturday smoking cigarettes and watching movies. And seeing as that I don't have enough friends to go out and meet new people, I'm left with little opportunities. I've never been the kind of guy to randomly pick up girls in my travels. I'm not bold enough to go up to a random woman and say hello. Partly a fear of rejection, partly because I'm not comfortable with that. Introductions I can handle. But even then, it takes a lot for me to talk to people I've just met.

I didn't used to be this way. When I was a younger (and a bartender,) the process was easier. But it was kind of a lopsided way to meet girls. They're already lubed up from the drinks I just served them. My ventures into dating this way were never really fruitful anyway.

I even joined the speed dating trend for a few attempts. A little too rushed and too impersonal. I feel that you can't really learn enough about someone in five minutes. Sure, you'd be able to make up your mind if you want to fuck 'em or not, but not enough to consider a serious relationship. Yeah, that foray went sour, too.

So I thought I would join the millions of other hopeful singles and try my luck online. Why not? It's relatively the same thing, and there is a little bit of a safety net. But now comes the hard part. How do I describe myself? I've tried this before, but it's harder than it looks.

Hmmmm. I'll have to put a little more effort into this. A subscription will cost a nice chunk of change, but it might be worth it. Ugh. Mind you, I have my apprehension toward joining such a cliche of our generation. It doesn't have a great sense of appeal to be getting e-mail from SexyChic943. (I'm being judgmental for humor's sake.) But I'm also pretty serious about injecting some new blood into the holding pattern that is my love-life. I'd read a few books and advice columns about dating over the last few months. The most common piece of advice was to create more opportunities. Even if it means joining such a service.

Sometimes it's the things you try to fight the hardest against that you end up succumbing to.

I wonder what could happen. Could you really find your significant other based on a list of "compatible factors" that match two people up? I remember seeing an old episode of Love Connection the other day. A nice girl named Lisa paired up with some dude from Australia. She came complete with 80's hairdo and heavy red lipstick. Cute, though it was an episode from, like, 1989. Anyway. She scored a 44%, which was the highest of the three bachelorettes. Listening to her testimony, you just wanted her to win. And she did. It made me imagine the powers-that-be, pairing me up with potential matches. Which one will score the highest? Who will it be? It's kind of weird thinking that I'll have to hand over Cupid's job to a computer. But it seems as though lately Cupid's been getting pretty lazy. And, well, if it gets the job done...

Eh. It all depends on how I present myself. I'll have to put a little more thought into my profile. Besides, "Shy brooding Meximo seeks fun-loving city gal to share igloo with" kind of sounds funny. Not like me at all. I'm not brooding per se. And I don't own an igloo. But it was an attempt just to get the profile up and running.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Always A Gentleman

So I just got back from PG's apartment. It started out us going to coffee and I suggested that we take the train over to her place so that she wouldn't be wiped out having to go home afterward. She was pretty bent today after going out last night.

We went to a Starbuck's for a few hours. Talked about this and that. I learned a little bit more about her. She used to be a horse rider. Owns a pony-horse still. Baystar. My mind was trying to see if we'd be compatible. On one hand there are similarities. Band geeks. Sports injuries. Ambition. Wanting more from life than the others around us. Having higher standards. Our upbringings are mismatched. She comes from a pretty good family. Part of me was playing the devil's advocate. Nothing that couldn't work itself out. But she's a few years younger than I. Meaning that her perspective could change over the next few years. Maybe not.

I decided to walk her the few blocks home. She turned to kiss my cheek but offered me to come up. We unfolded on her couch and flipped on the TV to a movie. Walking Tall. Cheesy but entertaining. You could just see the whole movie unwrap in typical Hollywood style. Good guys, bad guys. Plot. Next step. Moral. Everything.

I had a forty. Then a half. The movie ended. I took my cue to leave. Didn't want to be the friend that "didn't want to go home," you know. Washed out my bottles. Changed the TP. Offered to get her something. Bundled up and went home.

Right before I left my thoughts went to a comment she made. She started to get drowsy after her grande mocha. "My bed's calling," she said. "Yeah," I replied. "Your bed''s calling me, too." She smiled a little and laughed as if to say, "Nice one." Then I smiled the way my niece does when she's being cute for doing something naughty, something she got from my sister. "Just kidding," I recovered. She started, "You know, it's nice to fall asleep next to someone." I thought for a second. Yeah, it would be nice to fall asleep next to you. But not tonight. I could see that maybe this was an impasse into something down the road that could be, rather than take the bet now and lose. Not a big loss, but one you can't recover from.

So I was on my way out. I took a moment. Was this an invitation to stay? Well, there weren't any real signs. She didn't move closer to me while watching the movie. We didn't touch in that suggestive way to invite me to her bed. Even if it was calling her. No. I should go.

I tried one more question. "Don't forget to lock me out." She replied, "It's okay. The door self-locks." Dammit. Oh well, better go.

And I left. The whole time to the train I retraced my steps, making sure I didn't miss a beat. No, this was how it was supposed to unfold. I would go home tonight, alone. Maybe another time. I felt like Neo after Morpheus explained his first visit to the oracle. "What was said was for you and you alone." It couldn't have played out any other way. I got my cookie and was on my way. Except the cookie was a nice buzz from the beer.

I did get a sense that we would be friends from here on out. I made a reference to the friends I've "collected" over the years. Genuine ones. She will have a place in my life like these others. Forever. No matter what happens in the future.

No. Tonight I go home a gentleman. I would want to be remembered as the guy who didn't mistake a friendship for something more. At least this time. I'm sure she's had a few of those. But, that's not to say that it wouldn't be different unless she decided so.

I got the sense that she's been trying out her options in a way. She had a brief affair with a model-type guy who ended up being a dick. It sounded like she wanted more. Now there's this other guy who's promising. But my gut tells me it won't work out. She could tell I don't like him. I mean, how could you go out with someone for four months and not know his last name?

Anyway, I'm home now. Another step into the Friend Zone.

For now.

We'll see. In my experience, coffee ends up being more.

Friendly-Fire

Ick. I'm moving into that familiar territory with PG. We all know it. It's that limbo in a crush/friendship that can go either way. Many, many loves have been lost in this territory, never to be seen again. It's love's DMZ. The front-line where many battles are fought and many a flame gets extinguished by enemy fire.

The Friend Zone.

We had coffee tonight. She gave me shit for not telling her I was going on vacation when I inadvertently called work and she answered at the reception desk. I got flush for a few minutes, stopping to think about whether or not she really liked me. She argued that there were a few phone calls made, but my phone was "out of service." It was probably when I was flying. Okay. I'll bite. I was a little flattered that she took the time to give me shit. If anything, she cares, right?

Our conversation over Starbuck's moved onto the ex-boyfriend/current boyfriend topic. I went Amber Alert. I tried not to delve into my opinions much, just kept asking her questions and listening. The back of my mind started to detach my feelings toward her. I didn't want to travel to the Friend Zone. Not today. I wanted to have a cup of coffee, drop off my present, and go home with another chance to daydream.

I would not get that chance today.

We talked some more as I walked her home. She took my arm and asked me why I wouldn't tell her about what I thought of current boyfriend. I sensed a trap. Do I tell her how I really feel?

No. Made this mistake before. The only thing that comes from this is a wounded heart and a bruised ego. Nah. I'll hold on to my current position. I deftly dodged her bullet with a pretty good reply which was all true, hold the I-like-you-argument.

Me: "I don't feel it's any of my business to tell you about your love life."
Her: "Why? You're my friend and I value your opinion."
Me: "Yeah, but it won't matter what I tell you. You're gonna do what you want anyway."

I told her vaguely about my past relationships. I was being general about liking the "wrong" girl. "I always seem to like these girls who either have boyfriends, party too much, do drugs--"

"What if I did a lot of drugs," she asked, half-smiling.
"Why? Are you trying to make me want you more?"

Oops. Did I just slip? Or did she? Maybe we both did. Her question seemed to say, I know that you like me; I kinda like you, too. It was her tone that affirmed it for me.

We talked about my relationship with Angela. I was mentioning how I hadn't expected us to be more than friends because I didn't think I was her type. I was kind of alluding to PG and I because that is the way it seems to be unfolding for me. She said "See, you just never know," in a way that made me think that she's got me somewhere on her list.

I walked her to her building. Ironically, she lives a floor above where my sister used to live. PG invited me up for a minute, which I didn't expect. Her roommate, The Intern, was home. I chatted with them both.

Intern asked if I was seeing someone. "We'll, you're lookin' at 'em," I said. PG laughed, as if to say, That was not too obvious. Or subtle. I recovered. "Both of you, I mean." Yipes. I'm really bad at this not-making-it-obvious-I-like-you thing.

I had some water, sat for 30 minutes, then politely excused myself to go home. PG walked me to the front door. Always a classy gal, I thought as I walked home.

I thought back to Angela and the course of our relationship from 7 years ago. Ang and I went to coffee for a good 6 months. And that was after a year of knowing her. The whole while I would listen to her flavor-of-the-month stories, secretly wanting to be with her. She must have known. We went from once in a while to three/four times a week in a matter of months. Then we had sex for two months. Then we didn't speak to each other for another year. Now we're really great friends.

I wondered if that was where I was headed with PG. Into that DMZ for now, only to get into relationship territory eventually. Nah, I rationalized. She's too busy. She's dating other guys right now, one whom she says she's serious about. Then she's graduating college in May. She out there partying up a storm right now.

That's okay. Things will work out.

I have to wonder why the little voice in my heart "knows" we'll have a chance to try things out.

But not today.

And probably not for a while.

Vegas, Baby, Vegas!!!

So I finally got outta work. Barely, by the skin of my teeth, it seems. The day was littered with all the loose ends from the last two weeks. Since I'll be gone until Wednesday, I thought it best to leave everything tied up. This is to prevent Boss from calling me while I am out drinking and partying at various casinos, cafes, and strip clubs.

Amazingly, everything did wrap up pretty nicely considering it's been a pretty hectic week. I can only imagine what Boss will do without his personal assistant (me) there to handle all the crap there is to do each day. You would be surprised what can happen in four days with this guy.

Appointments are booked. Customer orders are neatly bagged and labeled. No faxes to make. He should have it pretty easy.

Now I'm home. I'm debating on what to do for the next few hours before I get up to leave. Sleep isn't important as much as tying up the loose ends at home. It will only be for five days, but I would like to come home to a clean house.

Yeah. Good luck with that one, buddy.

Excited to see my sister. We haven't spent a lot of time together since I've moved away. I listened to a voicemail from her today. She's so perky. Always was, but hearing her message today made me feel good because she's a really positive individual. I lost my happy edge like that years ago. I'm much more reserved nowadays. Ah, youth. I thought back to when I was 24. Two years ago. I had a lot more optimism back then. And a drinking problem. Something in her voice says to me that she will only be successful in life. And happy.

That makes a big brother feel good. Even if he can be a sour puss sometimes.

But no matter. It's Sin City tomorrow. Fun to be had.

A Slight Change

There is a tiny shift in the way PG and I interact with each other now. She has started to back away a little. The winks, stares, and pokes in the side have subsided a bit. She doesn't come around into my area as often. We don't pass each other in the halls as much. I've decided that for whatever reason it's happening it will be for the best. I must make an effort to become less interested and more neutral.

I'm bummed out because deep down I would like the chance to explore that different kind of path with her. It would never work though, for obvious reasons being that we work together. There is more to that, though. She has got way too much going on with her life, anyway. She's got a lot of things-- "priorities" that she deems important. I would be the one plant in her garden that could never get enough water or light. She's not flaky. Rather, she's just the opposite. Over-committed. So it comes off as flaky.

I was talking about similar patterns in my last entry. That's another thing all these girls have in common-- they have/had a lot going on in their lives at the point I am involved. They were all "party girls" in a way, so they were very popular in some way or another.

I don't think I'll be able to find the "switch" that controls my attraction to these kinds of women for now. It would be nice if it were that easy, huh? Rianna told me tonight that it's probably something within myself. Duh. I know that. But what? Could someone point it out to me, please?

In other news, the 10 inches of snow I wrote about on Sunday turned out to be more like almost 3 feet. Now that it's been a warm last few days, my car went from being a sno-cone to more like an ice cube in a tray. A tray made of dense, melted snow. I'm hoping that when I move it tomorrow night I can drive out rather than have to dig.

I am looking forward to one thing at the end of this week: Vegas with my sister. Haven't seen her since I moved out here. The trip away from the crazy-shopping-bitches I work with will be welcome.

At least it will be a vacation. Finally.

Complete

Being shrouded in insecurity isn't exactly how I imagined being 26 would be like. I'm being sentimental tonight because tomorrow's Valentine's Day and I haven't got someone to share it with.

I've been taking stock of my life recently and have wondered why certain aspects of my life seem a little underdeveloped. Take relationships, for instance. In a lot of ways I feel that I am up to par when it comes to relationships. I can navigate my way through a lot of life's little problems that keep rearing their ugly heads between friends. But when it comes to intimacy with women, I sometimes feel like I'm 16 all over again.

I shouldn't be teetering back and forth between my feelings for a woman I haven't been intimate with. I started thinking about my situation with Party Girl. I haven't even gone on a "date" date with her and already I'm falling for her. I thought about all the other girls I've had similar feelings for. I spend up to two years pining for a string of lost-cause women. They're all great girls, but something's missing deep down for me. Unattainable on some level. They all end up becoming friends, but no romance. And I end up getting together with some random woman that I hit it off with inside of a week. A sexually intense couple of days ensue. But the week-long romance is just that, and I find myself finding all the faults in this one girl I've known for a fraction of the time versus the others.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

My fleeting romances are pseudo-intense. My mind usually wanders into thinking about our possible futures together. "Is this it," I ask myself, "or is this just for the moment?" All of a sudden I back off, thinking I'm going too fast. Then I start falling out of love with them. Done. Almost 2 years will pass without anything, except my chasing the unavailable.

I'm taking note of this because it's been 18 months since my last affair. Conveniently she had to move back to Romania. But I'm left with the few girls I've been pining for since then.

Where does this pattern come from? Why am I still desiring to go after the wrong girl, when the right one could be passing me by? And why am I so unwilling to break free from it?

I sometimes equate my dilemma to an episode of Friends. The girls would use Phoebe to find out if a guy was the wrong kind to be dating. Humorous but true in my case. Given my history. I am attracted to the wrong kind of girl.

It's not an absolute truth, but one that suits the situation. Especially over the last 10 years of my life.

I do however, have a rebuttal. The women I do tend to fall for all posses human qualities I want in someone. Rianna is always thoughtful and understanding. Jessica is independent but needed someone to be there for her. Mihaela is strong spirited. Jennie is hard-working and honest. Party Girl is kind and playful. B is caring and considerate. Angela is a great listener and has a very good voice of reason.

In fact, all of them have a little of each quality, which makes them great friends to have. All of them have qualities like my mother, which could be a Freudian thing. Like pieces to a puzzle.

I wonder when I get to meet the girl who has all these except the one piece missing.

Me.

(Somehow, I don't feel so insecure anymore...)

Let It Snow

I was supposed to help my sister today with an errand. Fuck that!

There are about 10 inches of white, powdery, slightly sticky goodness outside. The kind that makes killer snowballs. Yay! (I don't have anyone to get into a snowball fight with though.) I definitely don't have to move my car tomorrow for street parking. Maybe, just maybe, I won't have to go into work tomorrow. But I won't keep my hopes up.

I called B's boyfriend to find out what our policy is about snow days and an incapacitated city trying to get it cleaned up. Surely, the subway system will be limited. Only a smattering of buses. So there. I won't have to go to work.

Me: "Do you think they'll close the store tomorrow?"
Him: "Of course not! Last time, they made us all come in. We just opened up late."

Fuck. But it's too early to tell right now. I'll have a better idea tonight, when it's all stopped. Hopefully not, though.

And today would be the perfect day to be holed up with a girl. Oh yeah. Don't have one of those yet.

Oh well. I've got some reading to do. And a few movies I could watch.

Okay, It's Cool Again

So I forgave her. We went out for "Fridays" tonight, and I offered a little back-story into why her little attitude set me off this week. Note: I've never been able to be successfully "mad" at someone for more than a few days. And she had a "day off". Anyway, a few shots and beers later, we were cool.

I never offered really why I was upset, but I got the idea across never to fuck with me that way. And, it's so superficial how I could get over this, right?

We ended the night with a friend of hers joining us and relieving the tension, which leads me to believe that Party Girl is a little smarter than she lets on. We can definitely remain friends. But I'm gonna be a little more cautious on my part. No need to batter down the hatches so soon. I do genuinely feel like she's a good person. But I give her the fact that she's a few years younger and therefore doesn't see all the shit she yet has to go through to truly appreciate where I'm coming from.

Me, on the other hand, must realize that she is just another girl. Another notch in the bedpost of life. And she's someone I can learn from, too. The lesson is in how I deal with our friendship from here, instead of trying to make it something it may never be. But that's where I stand.

Gotta say. I love the girl. Figuratively.

Revamp

After a lot of thinking (and a little healthy snacking,) I've decided that maybe it's time to change direction with my journal. After all, who want to read continuous chapters about failed attempts to pursue an unavailable girl, anyway? Isn't that the definition of insanity-- expecting different results from the same factors? 1+1 = 3, 7, and cheeseburger? I admit, even I cringed a little after reading some previous posts. Yikes.

So while I will undoubtedly post about the holding pattern that is my love life somewhere down the road, I promised myself to try and write about the other interesting aspects of my life.

Here goes.

(...)

I wish there were an easier way to do laundry. It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that I've got to drive to get to the CleanRite, which is the only laundromat that is open after 9pm. It wouldn't be so bad, if I didn't have to put in my keycard every 15 minutes to get a decent dry cycle. It wouldn't be so bad, if laundry didn't take up 2 hours of my time, every time. I could be doing clothes, blankets and sheets, or I could just be doing my socks, and it still would take TWO HOURS! This is a very annoying aspect of laundry day that keeps places like Target in business. That way I can buy enough undergarments to last two weeks.

My episode today was a mild one, but I'm forced to do laundry on a Tuesday because places like CleanRite, a place with over 40 washers and 50 dryers, gets tied up with 15 Brooklyn moms trying to do laundry for 20 people per household. On a Saturday. At 8am. You ain't seen nothin' until you've seen a single mom load/unload two 50lb bags of laundry into the largest machine CleanRite's got. Truly. Truly. Annoying.

I took up a second reading of The Abs Diet supplement book I got, just to refresh my enthusiasm about my change in eating habits. I've been pretty good at sticking to a healthier eating plan for the last two weeks, though I need to change it up. Celery, carrots, grapefruit, and tuna fish are starting to lost their appeal after this long. Dan told me to change up my routine every week or so, which sounds just about right. But what to eat now?

(...)

I've never seemed to grab hold of an exercise program and it's the only thing left to accomplish on the road to a better bod. I don't know what it will take for me to get my ass in a gym or at least in a pair of running shoes for a few miles a day. I keep getting "angry" enough to want to try, but work zaps the life out of me by the end of the day. By the time I get home all I want is to crawl into bed and browse around MySpace for a few hours.

(...)

More to the point, I feel my life is in transition right now. I feel more and more aggravated with myself each day because I know I'll never be happy unless I start following my dream. It's just the road to that dream has been littered with self-doubt. And it doesn't help that I'm going through another "funk" this time around. I think my upcoming Vegas trip will be a nice escape for a while.

Yipes! Time to sleep. New non-girl related things to do tomorrow.

What Happens Now?

It seems like I didn't do a good job of "letting go" of the situation from Saturday.

I don't know why I can't just forget it and move on. I guess I haven't been the forgiving type lately. I just cut her off today. We talked for about 30 seconds. I wouldn't look her way, look for her, not even look her in the eye. Nothing. We did meet eye to eye for a brief moment passing though the hall, and I caught a smile from her eyes-- the way she usually looks at me. I looked away, and I could see her change inside, like she knew I was still upset. It was only a brief moment. I was pretty fascinated how true it is about the eyes being the window to the soul, because I felt that I understood everything about that look.

I think what irked me the most is that Party Girl's blowing me off wasn't the first or second time. More like the fourth. I guess I'm really angry at myself. She did call to apologize, but even so, there is only so much you are willing to put up with. I take it personally because I allowed myself to like her and only set myself up for disappointment. And thus, was disappointed.

I set myself up. It wasn't her. She didn't give me a real reason to put that much faith in her. But it's the chance I took.

So why am I still angry about it?

I think it has to do with the lesson I'm supposed to be not learning again. A friend told me today that it was God's way of making sure I learned the lesson. Well, if I'm pissed off about the situation, then maybe I haven't learned it yet.

It would be so easy to leave it there. There seems to be more to this. Sometimes I tend to project that, but I really believe in a reason for everything. It could be that I'm here to teach her a lesson, no?

Either way, it's what I'm feeling right now. Do I want her as my friend, in the true sense of the word? I remembered when I went through this with Ri and we turned out fine. Angela, too. I just sense that there's more between us that is worth waiting for. We click a little too well in certain ways. I like that I can read her, just like I did when we were passing by. I want it to work, I really do.

And I really do like her. I just don't know how much yet.

Super Full Sunday

If I ever see another bite of chili it will be the end of me.

Oh. My. God. I've never eaten so much in a long time. I had Super Bowl Sunday over at a friend's house from work. It was great to enjoy new company, since I've been used to hanging out with the same bunch of people all the time.

Now I've stuffed myself to the point where I know I'll be getting up a few times tonight. Ugh.

(...)

Party Girl did call to apologize last night. AT THREE IN THE MORNING! All she kept saying was, "I'm so sorry, babe. All right, babe? I'll call you tomorrow, babe." I'm thinking: When did I become "babe?" Fine. I'm not mad about it.

Then I got another call round 7:30 from old Colorado friends. Totally cracked out of their minds, but the sentiment was nice. My friend RI told me I was over my 6 month due date for a trip back home. That was sweet. Oh, good times. Being wasted all hours of the morning on a Saturday night. A part of me misses the camaraderie, but not all the cracked-outness.

Eh, just a few thoughts before bed.

Cut To The Chase

I must be a glutton for punishment.

I mean, really, why else would I count on Party Girl to make good on her invitation to me? Frankly, I think she purposely over-extends herself because she wants to be a nice person. This isn't the first time, either. And I shouldn't let it disappoint me, but it does. A little.

PG is only a work friend. Someone to have lunch with. And the occassional post-work coffee. I think I should just really work on abandoning my feelings toward her and leave it there. This is why it would never work between us. There would be a lot of disappoinment. I understand now why Staten Island is so guarded. Actually, it's why everyone I work with is so guarded.

It's a slightly different atmosphere than I'm used to. Working in bars and clubs, you can get attatched to people a lot easier because a lot of boundries that exist in the white-collar world simply aren't there. That, and there's the alcohol.

But you have to be guarded to work where I do. So many people come and go. And when you're in my situation, where you like someone who just isn't available to you, you lose sense of the truth because you see them all the time.

What's sad is that I like her more than she likes me. If she likes me at all. What's worse is that she knows. Which probably explains the snuff. I can't get angry about it or take it personally. It's not my shortcoming. I can't help liking her, either. It's probably the only way she knows how to deal with unwanted affections.

It doesn't make the situation better or right, but I need to accept that she's trying to tell me to back off. "It's not you, it's me." Yadda yadda yadda.

She likes me as a friend. That's it. End of story. And she's being nice about it.

Now it's my move.