Secrets

B and I had it out the other night.

After a series of misunderstandings, fuck-you-hang-up phone calls, and text messages, we finally met up on Thursday. The way I saw it, our friendship was in serious question, and I got the feeling that the only person who would take it badly was me. So I decided to do something about it.

We met up for a drink at my favorite (cheap) watering hole called Subway Inn, which is a great name considering it's right across from the train station. That way we both had a way out in case things went bad. I got our first round of shots and B started into me.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

Cute. Well, what did I want to talk about? It was complicated. Our misunderstanding was the result of her ex-boyfriend's penchant for secrecy-- some things of which I haven't been privy to. I wanted to defend myself under the basis of "plausible deniability," but it wasn't so clean-cut. I argued that I was friends with them both and they've both told me secrets they didn't want the other to know. "Well, technically, we were broken up," she replied. Whatever.

It took a couple of rounds of cheap whiskey, but we finally worked things out. I told her that I didn't think the last year we spent together was worth throwing away because of a little he-said/she-said. She opened up after a while, explaining the reasons why she could cut people off from her life. She has some real deep-seated trust issues which pretty much explained everything.

Then things got really interesting. "You know what's funny," she started, after taking her 5th shot. "I told some friends we were meeting tonight and they thought you would be confessing that you had feelings for me. Isn't that funny?"

I smiled and said nothing. Fuck. I didn't want to broach that subject with her, though the thought did cross my mind. "Because," she continued, "I don't think you feel about me that way, and I sure don't feel that way about you..."

I didn't say anything for a while. I had been thinking about where I stood with my feelings for her over the last few days. The truth is I wasn't sure. Maybe a year ago there was a pretty big crush, but now? I thought back to when it started to fade away, but that only reminded me about how much I really do like her. I had just decided that it wasn't worth getting into it with her.

Later, we took a cab home. She started to get queasy during the ride and had rolled down the window. We held hands while she tried to get a grip on her spinning head. "You know, I love you," she started to say. I didn't know what she meant by that because it was the first time she said anything to me so endearing. I was a little tipsy, too. "Hah," I said, "you slipped." I thought about my feelings again. A drunken cab ride home didn't seem like the place to say anything.

We got to my house and I put her in my car. I sobered up and drove her home. After putting her to bed, I slept over for a few hours and drove back home in the morning.

The whole way I thought of where we would go from here. I knew that eventually I would have to say something about this. We agreed that from here on out, our friendship would be about just the two of us. No more now-ex-boyfriends. I realized that what happened that night was a good thing, and I would have to be careful about building trust between us from now on.

But I still wonder if I should have come clean about my feelings for her.