The Stand-Off

PG and I haven't talked since Saturday's fucked-up-ness. She tried to call me on Sunday. I didn't pick up and messaged her to "Enjoy the rest," of her weekend. She tried to call me again. I told her "We'll talk later." And that's been the end of it.

I didn't want to take her call because I was too angry for what she did, which was straight out diss me-- again.

But now it's turned into the I'm-not-talking-to-you-right-now game. The last time PG dissed me, I didn't talk to her for a week. She seems to have remembered that as our passings at work have been minimal and we've gone into a "professional-only" kind of banter. Other than that, she will leave the room I'm in and vice-versa. And whenever we do cross each other, we're not looking at each other. Forcedly. It's like a staring contest to see who blinks first.

(...)

Now I'm not really used to this, but I kind of like it. To me, it presents a new area of exploration for my relationships-- tension. I didn't used to like tension. I would always be the first to blink. This was because my esteem depended on people liking me. I would do almost anything to "fix" a problem between me and my friends, regardless of fault. But I realized that sometimes the relationship would fail anyway, and for almost no reason.

Now I know where I went wrong. If someone had wronged me in the past, I would just excuse the matter for the sake of saving the friendship.

I realize now why this is wrong. A part of relationships (for me) is about setting boundaries.

This brings me into how I'm choosing to handle PG. I want to "deal" with her. On my terms. I don't want to talk to her at work. I don't want to talk to her on the phone. I want a drag-out-let's-bitch-it-out-face-to-face, kind of talk.

And I want to win.

So I'll wait. I know that somewhere down there, she wants to talk to me, too, but is fronting because she's trying to be tough about it. I also didn't want to talk to her right away because I know she'd be passing the buck.

And now that it's been almost a week, I also realize that the point is not really to win the battle. The point is also to see if I'm willing to stand up for myself this time. And to see if she'll rise to the challenge.

If not, then at least I'll have my answer.

But I think it'll just be a stand-off for now. There'll be a gun fight at noon.

I just don't know which day.

Besides, a little tension is good now and then.