All In All, A Good Day

Today was awesome!

First thing I did when I got to work: Paid off my car!!!

For those of you who know what it's like to finally pay off a big loan, I shared that feeling with you. I made my final payment on a 5-year car loan that I was more than happy to get rid of. I mean (at least) from here on out, that every paycheck I earn from this moment on will be that much more I'm saving. For trips, hopefully. And dates. And to start putting away for the future.

And speaking of dates-- I met this really cute girl at work. She was a customer that needed a simple top. And being that she was pretty hot, I devoted a little more attention to her, running the gamut of my expertise in choosing something to fit her request. At first, she seemed a little standoff-ish (as I would expect most women would be toward me.) But it seemed like I won her over, as she allowed me to see her in the tops and offer my opinion. I found out that she had just moved to the City a few months ago and was working in retail around the corner from my shoppe. It was in the end when I realized that she might be interested. After I got her information, I joked that I would be calling her cell phone a lot. "Maybe you should," she flirted back, half-blushing.

"Let's start with me coming to visit you," I offered. "How about I come tomorrow?" She seemed all right with that. I noticed that I started blushing, as the temperature started getting a little warmer from where I was standing. I walked her out as she expressed how impressed she was by my service.

The end of tonight was okay. I met B and a few of the girls from her office out. I noticed her tone with me was a little harsh in between comments she made. When she got up for a smoke, her girlfriend mentioned that we might want to talk about something. For the rest of the night, B and I sent texts back and forth (even though we were sitting across from each other.) I asked if we were okay. She said we were "not really okay." Since the other girl was headed her way, I couldn't really talk to her. But the other friend was there. I made sure not to try and get anything out of her, complimenting our friendship and how much I loved her (as a friend.) Her friend said it might be over "something stupid."

Then she asked the dreaded question. We were at the platform and she said, "So, did you ever have feelings for her? Romantically?"

I froze. Oh fuck. Not THAT question. I paused for a moment. I was about to answer, then she did. "Probably right from the beginning, huh?" I acknowledged, making sure to mention that a lot of it had to do with the fact she was dating my friend at the time, BEFORE I knew her, so I had to move on. I explained the way guys sometimes think about women who are taken by another friend. "Chris Rock said it best," I started. "If you meet a girl that your (boy) is dating, you think, Wow. She's nice. I'm sure I could meet a girl like her. Now when a woman meets a man that her girl is with, she thinks, I want... him!!!." The friend looked at me. "Hmmm," she said. "That makes sense."

All I kept thinking was, SAFE! No foul! I felt that it was the best way to put my feelings for B, albeit the truth, which in itself is really complicated and back-and-forth over this matter. Ultimately, yes, I realize that B and I would never be compatible romantically. But my answer is a half-truth, mostly because my feelings for her come and go. There are times when I wish things could work. And there are many times that I understand why we're not together.

And regardless of this, my only concern is that we work things out. I want her in my life. I don't know why, though. I just like having her there. She's my most objective friend, and it's her objectivity (her sense of plainly telling her point of view) that I value her. I love her. But it's more platonic than anything. And I know that she would never admit that she liked me, even in the slightest. So I have to accept her as my friend. And while I might get jealous if someone else comes into her life, it just makes sense not to lose her over my feelings. Not this time. Not ever.

I might change my mind in the future. I might. But I'm not to the point of being THAT fed up over the matter. So staying in the background is what works for me. I'll 'fess up, but only if she does.

And it's also the same with PG. And with her, I know there's something there. But she's just as stubborn.

I admit it. It's about power.

I just don't want to give up mine. I've realized that (at least) for me, that's when I truly lose with women.

All in all, it was a good day.