Apartment Hunting, Alaska, and Getting Closure

I have a lot on my mind for 6:30am on a Sunday.

I went to bed early in anticipation of meeting a friend who's here on an apartment-finding trip. She'll be moving here rather soon (pretty cool,) and will be transferring jobs to my location (even cooler,) and quite possibly work in my department (fuckin' awesome!) Anyway, she wanted to meet up and asked we do breakfast and a little apartment hunting. This will be my only day to see her before I leave home to Alaska this week.

Needless to say, I woke up early, but realized soon after that it wasn't the anticipation of our meeting that excited me.

I started browsing online, looking for things I was thinking of today. (Seriously, I don't know what I would do without the internet.) Caught up on light reading (blogs.) Checked out a synopsis for the new Jet Li/Jason Statham movie (saw an ad on the train today.) Checked my messages (MySpace.) Something wasn't clicking.

Then it came to me. Today is PG's birthday. With the exception of the last three parties I ran into her at, one of which was last week, we haven't had a decent (or polite) conversation in almost 6 months. I guess there's nothing to figure out. This kind of thing happens-- people just stop talking to you, for no apparent reason. It's just life. They don't return your calls, they don't call you to say hi, they just cut you out of their lives.

I never get used to this kind of thing because I'm a person that needs closure in my relationships. But it's something that happens to me. And it never gets any easier. What makes matters worse is I tend to personalize things and end up thinking it's somewhat my fault. So it's the guilt that hurts, the possibility that I may be responsible for these write-offs that occur.

But it's not just PG, it's been happening with a few people in my world. I end up thinking that people just hate me for no apparent reason, at least no obvious reason.

But like I said, it's something I haven't gotten used to. I don't like being this venerable. I don't like being this sensitive about it.

It's times like these I was cut from a more rigid cloth.

(...)

To make matters more interesting, it'll be more of the same when I go home this week. I never thought I would be looking forward to seeing everyone again. I am, but only because it's been 10 years. The past is just that-- past. I sent out a few e-mails and got a few numbers, but I don't know if seeing everyone will be a good thing.

And while I'll be seeing those people who reached out to me, I think it's a good idea to let bygones be bygones. Sure, I'll go out to the local bars and shit, but if I run into those other people, well, we'll see.

There is one thing I looking forward to-- going to my favorite spot at home. It's a little bluff at the bottom of a neighborhood not too far from my parent's house. The sunsets there are pretty cool.

And, of course, family time.

Maybe that's all the closure I really need.