Where I Want To Be

I'm moving. Again.

But this time, it's back to the neighborhood where it all started for me 10 years ago.

Back then, I came to New York with only $300 in my pocket. I lived in a hostel on the Upper East Side (UES for those who don't know,) and stayed for two weeks, up until I landed a job as a barista and ended moving to Harlem.

Now, after about 2 months of craziness trying to find roommates to no avail, I looked on the internet for an apartment. I found a listing and put a deposit down on a place smaller than the room I'm currently in.

After a week of grueling paperwork, and a rather large check to secure my new "apartment," (if you call it that,) I picked up the keys to a place that landed me 6 blocks away from my sister. Sure, it's expensive, but the benefits are many.

For the first time in a rather long time, I'm where I want to be.

It's a small alcove studio. Humble. But it's all mine.

And the sort-of-sucky part is that I have to pay rent on my current apartment as well-- which isn't so bad, since that'll give me a month (now 23 days) to move out. Slowly.

I haven't been this broke since 10 years ago. But in a way I'm happy. No roommates, no leftover dishes to drive me crazy, and no one else to answer to in my new apartment. Just me.

Another added bonus: I'm also 6 blocks away from The Boss.

(...)

My crush on her hasn't been easy. I'm still rather quite taken by her. I saw her tonight at a going-away party for another colleague. I had barely enough money to get her, the colleague, and myself one drink each (I curse this city sometimes,) but it was worth it.

But somehow, I feel like total crap. I think part of it may be that I'm afraid someone at work might have picked up on my feelings for her.

(...)

The other side of it may be because I'm thinking about leaving.

So another interesting development: My old employer has been recruiting me. Mostly because of The Old Boss, who I think is still responsible for my leaving in the first place.

Long story short: Supposedly he's also responsible for guiding my old employer to ask me to come back. So they have. And I'm seriously considering the job. It will pay a lot more money because I'll be selling a better product and working with a more sophisticated clientèle.

But the fact remains-- I was denied this very job a year-and-a-half ago.

So I don't know what's going to be my next move. Do I give up a new family who has accepted me and provided many more opportunities and successes over the last 15 months? Or do I go back to my old family, who shunned me away when I asked for an opportunity 15 months ago? Granted, a lot of it will come down to money, but there's one little thing...

Will leaving give me a better chance having a personal relationship with The Boss?

The situation is tearing me apart at the seams. On one hand, I can't lose, professionally speaking. If I take the job, I make more money. If I don't, I still have a good job (which I'm doing VERY well at, at the present moment.) And I'll still get to see The Boss every day. And I'll be in her neighborhood, so there's still a good chance there.

But, like someone said to me tonight, "It's good to be wanted."


I wish I knew which situation would allow me to have my cake and eat it too.